Read my SAP appeal feedback please!

I’m going to submit my SAP appeal soon and I would like some feedback. Please and thank you!!!

I do have access to all the documents such as proof that I sought help for my mental health and am visually disabled.

"Hello, my name is X X and I am writing an appeal to my Satisfactory Academic Performance financial aid suspension. During the 2015 spring semester I did not pass a 4 unit course which has subsequently placed me 2 units below the SAP minimum unit requirement. While the following reasons do not by any means excuse my poor performance, I hope that they can at least provide insight into the situations I faced this academic year.

Throughout the last two years of my life I have suffered from persistent-depressive disorder. This condition began to manifest itself on a larger scale as my freshman year drew to a close. At the beginning of the 2015 spring semester my grades were excellent and in some classes far above average, but as everything began to wind down I found myself entering an extremely dark state of mind. Some days I found myself unable to get out of bed and even to merely feed myself. Extorted by my own mind, I finally decided to seek psychological help for my depression on April 3rd, 2015. This day began a series of a therapeutic mental health sessions that occurred on a weekly basis till the end of the year. While these sessions did aid in improving my mental health, my therapist, X X, had come to believe that this depression was due in part to my brain’s neurochemistry.

On April 27th, 2015 I was able to see a psychiatrist, Dr. X X, who gave me a prescription for an anti-depressant called XXXXX. After a week when the side effects such as migraines and insomnia subsided I began to rediscover the motivation and competitive drive that got me into UC Berkeley. Unfortunately, this drive for excellence had returned slightly too late to save all of my grades. Despite my best efforts to get my outright terrible academic performance together I did not have enough time to thoroughly consolidate a semester’s worth of material with mere days before finals. I do, however, wholeheartedly believe that this rediscovered motivation did aid in augmenting my final grades in most of my classes.
My psychological evaluations after beginning XXXXX can also prove that I have regained motivation and confidence and am now fully capable of demonstrating the same academic excellence I had shown in high school. I accept the full responsibility of my subpar performance, but I beg that whoever reads this understands that I am finally equipped to get back on track to earning my degree.

In addition to beginning treatment for my depression I have also decided to seek help through the Disabled Students Program. I suffer from visual disabilities called Motor Nystagmus and astigmatism which cause my eyes to shake uncontrollably and significantly decrease my vision respectively. Combined, these two conditions can make reading very difficult for me. In high school, I was accommodated by the state of California by being given extra time on examinations which significantly helped my performance by allowing me to process what I was reading without feeling severely overwhelmed. I believe this measure should ensure my academic success for the rest of my years at UC Berkeley.

I have talked with my major advisor and devised an academic plan for the next 3 years that will ensure that I earn my degree on time, and I ask that you please reinstate my financial aid for the 2015 Fall semester based on the circumstances I faced this year and the measures I am taking to guarantee my academic success. My parents cannot afford to put both my brother and I through college simultaneously without your gracious assistance."

Have you considered taking a medical withdrawal for last semester? Some schools will allow it after the semester ends if you have documentation.

Your letter is too wordy. In almost every sentence you could reduce the number of words and say the same thing.

Remember, yours won’t be the only letter being read. Keep your info to the point. State the facts. Don’t ramble.

Your letter needs to succinctly state:

  1. What your issues were.
  2. What you did during the term to get assistance.
  3. What you have already done to help correct this issue.
  4. What you will be doing in the upcoming year...you mention that you have devised a plan...but don't tell what it is. This is the time when you need to state what you will be doing.

Two minor things, because I’m not too knowledgable about the rest:

“Whoever reads this understands” – you don’t want to seem like you haven’t done your homework and/or don’t know to whom you are writing. You use the second person later, so why not “I hope you understand”?

The last sentence – DO NOT end on a random guilt trip! You didn’t talk about financial issues being a reason for your performance, so don’t throw it out there at the end to manipulate their emotions.