<p>Q: Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>
<p><<<< please give me feedback on how well it answers question>>>>></p>
<p>It took three times. Three times my mother was left crying. Then we left. I often see this conflict between my mother and my father’s side of the family as the reason why we left to America. The years before our departure were the ones that hold most of my memories, mainly forged in the villages of provincial Peru from which few have arisen amidst strong international racism against indigenous cholos.
I come from deep within the common class – the class that embraces, preserves, and lives through tradition despite relentless exploitation. The phrase “Primero es dios, segundo nuestra patria, y tercero nuestra familia,” which translates to “first is god, second our fatherland, and third our family,” is what we have been taught. Apart from that, into my head was and still is embedded a strong hatred of the people who so cruelly took away the culture and civilization of the most happy and peaceful people and turned paradise into an over-polluted sea of slums. We have experienced five hundred years of oppression, whether at the hands of Spanish conquistadores or the influence of capitalistic/imperialistic powers. To leave Peru was to leave not only my extended family but also to leave my culture. It is the only culture I have been exposed to as America possesses the opposite of culture – something that absorbs then destroys it. Something that is scared of culture. Yet tradition and loyalty have become my stance ever since I found myself in that artificially lit room – an American classroom – next to people with white faces. Eight years later I am proud to state that I have resisted assimilation and retained the same mentality with which I came. To return to Peru every few months is to pick up where I left off, and forget that America exists. To be part of the traditional festivals is inherent because “yo soy del pueblo,” or I am from the village. I am part of the extended Peña family which is based in the village of Carmen Alto up in the Andes – I am serrano (a racist term meaning from the mountains). This is my fatherland; this is the center of my life; where I emerged from and where I return to. Every aspiration I set is done with humility and with my priorities in mind, for no gift or achievement can do me greater than “Dios,” “la patria,” or “la familia.”
I do not consider myself bicultural because I have only one culture. But I am a witness to two different societies to an extent that so few experience especially at my age. I wish to study at an American university not just because it will open opportunities for me, but because it will open opportunities for the people ahead of me. I do not dream of riches, but control over my future and leverage with which to aid my country in its fight to preserve its culture from outside influences.</p>
<p>Interesting detail about your background and how your identity was formed. The hook about three times is unresolved–three times what? You indicate that the decision to come to America was conflicted, and it seems that this was important in your formation, but I would like to know even a little about why your tradition-bound, culture-preserving family made that choice.
Honestly the transition from that to the second paragraph seems weak. The first sentence of the 2nd paragraph isn’t closely enough related to be a transition, so it comes off abrupt and disconnected. (However; I completely agree with you that everyone has only one culture–despite how many traditions have influenced it) Maybe delete that. Your last two sentences do explain your dreams and aspirations; I think it would be better if you balanced the essay out a little more evenly between the two parts. I can’t really see where you have developed the ideas stated there in relation to your background. Let me think of some possible ideas–maybe more specific about why studying in the country and culture of the oppressor will enable you to preserve Peru’s culture. Logically, educating yourself in that worldview and environment would maybe not seem to be the best way to protect Peru from U.S. influence. You should explain why you think that would further your goal. That could be pretty powerful, demonstrating you have really thought this through and have a high motivation to succeed. Everybody can say he wants to go to college to be successful, but really sharp people can show how college fits their particular goals. Be aware that the strength of your first section needs to be balanced out by a strong finish, otherwise it looks like you just got tired and ran out of steam. You can do this! PS just a syntax thing, you don’t leave TO America. You can leave for america, come to america, or go to america. However, you were already IN America LOL. Maybe change it to the United States. Good luck!</p>
<p>Good essay but in many opinion the sentence construction is week at many places For e.g I had corrected your last fee lines as below;-</p>
<p>But I am a witness to two different societies to an extent that “very few of my age experience”. I wish to study at an American university “not because” it will open opportunities for me, but because it will open opportunities for the people “in my country through me”. I do not “dream to be rich”, but" want to control my future" and leverage it to help my country in its fight to preserve its culture from outside influences.</p>
<p>It took three times. Three times my mother was left crying. Three times my grandfather placed me in a salt-covered straw room to keep me from hearing the screams of my mother arguing. Then we left.
I am Peruvian. Of the class of people who embrace, preserve, and live through tradition despite relentless exploitation. The phrase “Primero es dios, segundo nuestra patria, y tercero nuestra familia,” which translates to “first is god, second our fatherland, and third our family,” is what we have been taught. Apart from that, into my head was and still is embedded a strong hatred of the people who so cruelly took away the culture and civilization of the most happy and peaceful people and turned paradise into an over-polluted sea of slums. We have experienced five hundred years of oppression, whether at the hands of Spanish conquistadores or the influence of capitalistic/imperialistic powers. Yet when I was nine, my mother, weary of heightened conflict with my father’s extended family, took me and my sister right into the hands of the oppressor.
To leave Peru was to leave not only my extended family but also to leave my culture. It is the only culture I have been exposed to as America possesses the opposite of culture – something that absorbs then destroys it. Something that is scared of culture. Yet tradition and loyalty have become my stance ever since I found myself in that artificially lit room – an American classroom – next to people with white faces and western clothing. Eight years later I am proud to state that I have resisted assimilation and retained the same mentality with which I came. To return to Peru every few months is to pick up where I left off, and forget that America exists. To be part of the traditional festivals is inherent because “yo soy del pueblo,” or I am from the village. I am part of the extended Peña family which is based in the village of Carmen Alto up in the Andes – I am serrano (a racist term meaning from the mountains). This is my fatherland; this is the center of my life; where I emerged from and where I return to. Every aspiration I set is done with humility and with my priorities in mind, for no gift or achievement can do me greater than “Dios,” “la patria,” or “la familia.”
I do not consider myself bicultural because I have only one culture. But I am a witness to two different societies to an extent that so few experience, especially at my age. I have come to a conclusion with American society, but nevertheless do not wish to abandon the country yet. I wish to study at an American university because it will open potential in me and more importantly give my descendants new opportunities. I do not dream of being rich, but of being able to rise to the same level as the oppressor, look him in the eye, and then use the leverage he gave me to preserve my culture and fight against his corrupting influences.</p>
<p>I like that at the end of the 1st paragraph, you reveal a little about what the conflict in the beginning was about. Please correct the sentence fragment, sentence #2, 2nd paragraph. Also, I suggest sentence 3, take out of passive voice and put into active voice. You have made several very helpful revisions.
This sentence I do not understand; can you re-state the first clause?
" I have come to a conclusion with American society, but nevertheless do not wish to abandon the country yet."
I also do not understand what you mean about rising “to the same level as the oppressor, look him in the eye.” If possible, can you develop this?How can one person rise to the level of an entire 300 million-person nation?</p>
<p>on the “rising to the same level as oppressor”, I meant the actual power people who exploit other country’s economies. the average american does not participate, but the lobbyist, businessmen, etc with degrees from top schools and very intelligent (although heartless).</p>
Right, because your essay would apply to so many people.</p>
<p>You might want to explain why you would speak the language of your oppressors (Spanish) instead of learning original Peruvian, Incan, whatever it is. Seems inconsistent to rail against the lack of culture of the oppressor and yet abandon your language, adopting theirs. After all language is a key aspect of a culture. Also it seems wildly hypocritical to say that the USA has no culture and yet the education here is vastly superior to what you would get going back to Peru (a statement you made in another thread). Education is a fundamental element of culture. Besides, what could anyone here possibly have to teach you when you reject everything this society has wrought? How can it open potential in you when that education is 100% based on our completely corrupt society which lacks any culture (which I am sure the arts departments at any these schools would find highly offensive as a statement. Better hope the reader of your essay at these schools wasn’t an art history or music or dance major.)? If your desire is to return to some ancient Xanadu untouched or at least uncorrupted by Western values, why are you wasting your time wanting to be even more indoctrinated in these teachings? If I were an admissions person, those are the kinds of thoughts I would have. It makes no sense at any level, once you are an adult free to make your own decisions, to continue to subject yourself to all this corruption when bliss is an airplane trip and burro ride away.</p>