<p>Sorry if this is in the wrong place (I really didn't know where to post it).<br>
I was just wanting some feedback for the EC writing section on the Common App. since it's the first writing I've done for my essay. Please, be brutally honest! Thanks!! :)</p>
<p>My body aches; my ears ring from the stereos’ intense bass; my eyes are heavy with the unbearable hunger of sleep; the gymnasium is so hot that my clothes cling to me. “WE ARE THE BULLDOGS, AND THE BULLDOGS ARE GREAT” is echoed, exemplifying the overwhelming unification of the student body. There are no judgments or prejudice, just the similar ambition to make the community a better place. After months of planning – after hours of dancing and hearing the year’s total revealed – I know that in the end it was all worth it. The annual South High Marathon Dance is dedication of twenty-eight hours to change someone’s life (twenty-two worthy causes and people in need to be exact). Over thirty-two years, SHMD has raised $2.08 million (and in 2009, $260, 020.51). To be part of the most successful high school marathon dance is like no other extracurricular activity I have taken part in.</p>
<p>Sorry I can’t be more constructive/ helpful, but I think that this is very well written. It explains the event well and is written in such a way so as to not only explain the activity, but to make it sound interesting. Describing your physical condition is a nice touch and a great intro.</p>
<p>Also, I just checked the word count of your paragraph and it totals 153 words. I’m not sure how strict the Common App or each individual school is with word count, but your paragraph exceeds the 153 word count limit. It’s probably not a big deal but I thought I’d let you know.</p>
<p>a little wordy, but great start
i like the descriptions of your senses</p>
<p>“– after hours of dancing and hearing the year’s total revealed –” - you can take this out, it’s really not necessary.</p>
<p>“to change someone’s life (twenty-two worthy causes and people in need to be exact)” - you should reword this, it sounds a little awkward.</p>
<p>Otherwise, good job!</p>
<p>I think that you should read it out loud and see if it sounds like you want it to. In my opinion, “exemplifying the overwhelming unification” is really not good (in terms of sounding natural) and I don’t even think that it says what you want it to say. (It seems like an overwhelming unification would be a bad thing, and if it’s exemplified by a pretty clich</p>
<p>^^^^agree with the above</p>