read this rough draft essay (positives and obstacles of being Black)

<p>just whipped out in about 25 min, rough draft!!!
Discuss how your family's experience or cultural history enriched you or presented you with opportunities or challenges in pursuing your educational goals.</p>

<pre><code> Being the first born child of two immigrant parents presented me with a knowledge of two cultures and languages, but a series of obstacles while growing up. My parents settled in the states about twenty years ago for what many other families travel to the states for; a better life for themselves and for their children. Luckily for me, my parents infused me with our culture ever since birth; [language], the traditional language of [country], was my first language. I was taken to weekly Orthodox church services and celebrated holidays based off of the [country's] calendar. However, all of this changed when I started school. I went to an elementary school where there were no students like me. Not only did they not look like me, our cultures were completely foreign from each other. I saw this as more positive than negative; my friends learned about my culture while I would learn about theirs. Unfortunately, it was not a positive experience with my teachers. They doubted my intelligence to the point where it began to take opportunities away from me. For example, in my elementary school there was a program called GATE (Gifted and Talented Education). Students were allowed to sign up for GATE to take an entrance exam. My parents gladly signed me up, but certain faculty of the school did not want me to take the exam, excuses ranging from “she’s a second-language learner” and “we’re reserving these exams for students who we are absolutely possible will pass”. My fed-up teacher finally persuaded the school to allow me to take the test, which I passed.
Although there is arguably less racism in this country today, it still exists, rampaging subconsciously in the minds of many American citizens. Yes you can not force a Black person to leave the store, but when your eyes follow her around as if she has already robbed you bankrupt, you might as well have. Here’s another example; the high school I am currently attending is made up of two distinct groups; the “high preforming Whites and Asians”, and the “low preforming Blacks and Hispanics”. This is how our Leadership teacher grouped our school throughout the year, words taken from her own mouth. She would bombard us with statistics, showing us the results of API scores- divided by race. Black and Hispanic students were not encouraged to sign up for Advanced Placement and Honors classes, participate in Student Government or even take the SAT’s and ACT’s. This further led to the distinction between our two aforementioned groups. Freshman year my parents had to request (more than once) that I be transferred to Honors classes instead of mainstream; when a friend of mine transferred over from a different high school, she told me that the counselor highly recommended her to enroll in advanced classes because it would look better on college applications. The only difference between us was the color of our skin.
I am happy to be different and have my own unique characteristics. However, when I am judged as incapable just because of my race, it does present obstacles. These experiences push me to do well in school to show that Black students are capable of anything other students can do. I feel as if I have left a footprint in my school, encouraging younger Black students to do well and participate more.
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<p>Have you read any essays that deal with the immigrant experience? There are some really strong essays published on this topic, but most of them relate experiences very vividly, more like short stories than arguments. </p>

<p>I think your approach here is too general, and it reads like a lecture on racism, which could alienate your readers. They don’t want to be patronized. You make statements that you are unique, that you value your culture, and that you’ve left a footprint, but you haven’t supported any of this yet. Show us! </p>

<p>I’m sure you have some excellent material for this topic, but this feels more like a warm-up than a start to the real essay. Your readers will have read many essays on being an immigrant in America. What can you share that is going to be different? Think about the food, music, stories, household rules, names for family members, assumptions about money, fashion . . . anything that helps reveal the richness of your cultural roots.</p>

<p>Try writing deeper and narrower, if that makes sense? And I think you might want to be careful about focussing on the negative. The experience of being blocked from taking a test was unfortunate and yes, it is a good example of racism, but is it really what you want to focus on when you have this one shot to share who you are and how you see the world?</p>

<p>crap i already turned it in and now i feel like i just ruined my chances of going to my dream school -_____- thank you though</p>