Really sad and lonely at college. Really long. Lots of drama. :(

Student Lounge College Life
1

This is my first year at college. I was so excited to be away from home, however, this college is an on campus community. This isn’t my first choice of school, but nonetheless, this is where I am now and plan to be for the rest of the year. We live in an apartment complex in the college and 2 of my roommates are from High-school and one is from another state. The new girl never picks up after herself, takes our stuff, and starts rumors. She specifically starts them about me. I’ve bought her stuff, tried being nice to her, include her in anything, yet she still hates me. I’ve even picked up her vomit all over the toilet seat and have asked her politely if she would help buy items for the apartment like toilet paper or paper towels because us 3 do every week. She straight up said no.

The reason why I am writing this today is because it really upsets me. Because of her rumors, it’s harder to make friends on campus and I even get stares everywhere I go (from the people living on campus only about 96) like I’m tainted. I try to go out of my way to be nice to people and am the type of person who would give the shirt right off my back if someone needed it. She stays out until 12 am and she’s always with two of the RAs. This is another issue because both of those RAs are in my biology class and sit behind me. Both of those RAs are very rude to me every time I see them, they will scoff me or bud into my conversation and put their inputs on things that aren’t even any of their businesses. I truly believe this is because they are besties with my roommate. Maybe I’m wrong. All I know is she has ruined my first year so far for me and it really sucks. I am not sure what I should do, and I can’t evict her out of the room. She’s also called me names behind my back like insulting me for buying a bag of doritos (because I am overweight.)

My roommates are absolutely terrified of her. They see the stuff she does to me and most of the time both of them get really scared because they don’t want that to happen to them. (They both have told me this.) I feel like they are betraying me in a sense because neither of them stick up for me due to fear. It makes me feel as though I’m a horrible person and that this is all my fault. There aren’t any clubs on campus so friends aren’t really an option that way. Very little events that are usually controlled by the people she hangs around with. I don’t know what to do. This is extremely highschoolish. And I’m no saint. Today, I made a friend and she asked about my roommates. I was honest and told her one of them made me upset because she refused to help out and said it was because we all knew each other beforehand so she’s not going to help clean. Well, that girl went and told her, so she found me outside screamed at me (even though she starts rumors about me daily) and I said I would never do it again. And I won’t. I’m done talking about her. If people ask about my roommate situation I’ll just say good.

The only real friends I feel like I have here are my professors and the actual adults. I know I’m 18 but the only people who seem to be genuinely nice to me on campus are my professors. I’m so thankful to have really kind teachers. They are really fun and kind-hearted. Sometimes, I get to class early just so I can talk to them. (I know that sounds creepy.) I really wish I could have friends my own age, but it seems impossible for the most part. I have met few nice people my age and am so happy when I talk to them. But, they are all off campus and more often than not, in the med programs. I was talking to one of my professors today before class and I asked her how she does it. I said (paraphrasing both conversations) “How come you are always happy?” She said that you should try to find something positive each day. And that’s what I’ve been trying to do, but each day I feel it’s harder to find things. I’m in a college paying $20,000 a year to attend to be sad, I’m somehow involved in all this drama, my highschool friends aren’t really there emotionally and my best friends went to different colleges, my grades have begun to slip (I’m now down to a B rather than my 4.0 GPA), I started therapy because of college and my therapist just started to make me feel bad by joking about my problems and kind of insulting me for being overweight or “fat” as she put it. I’m not even sure if this is me being overly sensitive or if I’m a drama queen. And my grandmother just died a week ago. I know this is a long rant and I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like I have anyone to turn to and that I am a bothersome person. I have began to hate myself since coming to college. Even done some risky sexual acts I regret 100%. I just want to become a neuroscientist and help people someday. That’s my dream. But, even though it’s my dream I’ve felt too depressed to even read my text books (that’s why my average is dropping.) And is a community college neuroscientist even a thing? Will I even get into another college where I can get my degree and move to a city? Will I lose weight? I don’t know anymore. I don’t know what to do. Where to go. Who to turn to. I just want friends.

One more thing about my roommate: I found out she likes a guy who talks and hangs out with me a lot (he’s only my friend) but she said him and I were doing things because I shut my door when we do our Sociology homework… And people believe these things, which has put a huge damper on our friendship because he doesn’t want to be known as a guy who did it with me a socially awkward fatty. :frowning:

I think I’ve posted pretty much everything. I want to know what you guys think about what I should do or if you have a personal story. I want your honesty if I am overreacting or if feeling bad is justified. I am sorry again for the long rant. Thank you for reading.

2

I had forgot to mention I have one friend besides my other two roommates. I have known him from highschool. I love hanging out with him, but I tend to stay away from the parties he goes to due to drugs and alcohol. He’s still a good person just that type of thing makes me uncomfortable.

3

I’d look for other friends. Join clubs or other activities. Get a part time job. Worry about your grades, not what the RAs think. Don’t live with her next year. Stop worrying so much about what other people think.

4

Go to the dean of res life and explain the situation. Ask to be moved immediately. If you can’t move right now, move at the end of the semester. Tell them it’s affecting your grades and mental health. Get a new therapist immediately. You have done a good job by realizing you need a therapist, but not that one.

I do think you are amplifying things in your mind. I doubt people are staring at you. And you seem to have at least a couple of friends. Do you get along with your other roommates? If so, suggest getting a coffee together or ask what time they go to the dining hall.

It’s also clear that you are self-conscious about your weight and I think you might be a little overly sensitive about some things because of it. Is there any kind of nutrition club in campus? Go to your school health office and see if they have any suggestions to start a weight loss program. Maybe doing something about the issue will help you feel a little more in control of the situation.

Keep yourself super busy by joining some clubs or volunteering. People who volunteer are probably less likely to be judgemental. Is there any kind of campus ministry? At my daughter’s college, the chaplaincy hosts all kinds of multi-faith programs that people of no fwith participate in too. I would think that they would also be nonjudgmental. What about a group meditation club? Also probably very welcoming.

Finally, the next time that roommate says anything to you, either totally ignore her, or tell her to her face that you are sick of the lies she tells about you and to grow up. Say it less politely if you like. Be prepared for her to say something nasty, but I bet she will stop if you stand up for yourself. Don’t be a victim. Bullying is only fun if the bully gets the desired reaction. Tell her you are glad you aren’t a small-minded b-word like she is.

Tell your parents too. They want you to be happy. They can help you feel better about yourself. Good luck.

5

Get a spine.

In other words, you are an adult now so act like one. Don’t let some wench have control over you and control how you feel.
If the witch calls you fat, ignore it and proudly own it. So what? She’s trying to get a rise out of you. Lots of Americans are overweight. My Texan Dad used to say: “more to grab!” But if that’s an issue for you, make an appointment with yourself to go to the gym. I had an acquaintance in college who was obviously overweight and some people were mean to her, but you wouldn’t know it by her. She was funny, smart, popular, and beautiful. She was in one of my gen ed classes and we were assigned group work. People wanted to be around her because she was so kind and funny (dry sense of humor). There’s no rule that says you have to be thin to be wonderful.

Avoid being in your room! Be too busy to care about what the girl says or thinks. She obviously is always there because no one likes her and she’s probably jealous that you have friends. You obviously are smart, so use that. Your professors are role models, emulate them.

At most schools, you can book a room in the library and study with friends. If you plan to be a neuroscientist, you ain’t got NO time for drama. You need to seek out some future research opportunities by asking your professors now.

As for your therapist, when and if she makes “jokes” about your weight you need to speak up for yourself.

“I know you think it’s a joke but that hurts my feelings. Isn’t there a rule in your licensing that says you can’t insult your clients and make them feel worse?”
Change your therapist.
Good luck! Keep us posted!

6

Normally the first step would be to talk to the roommate and the second step would be to talk to the RA.
This would seem not to work. I would go to the Housing office and say that you want some advice on how to deal with your roommate. Then state facts… not “this is all so highschooly” but "How do I deal with a roommate who leaves vomit in the bathroom, won’t buy shared items like paper towels, takes my and my roommates stuff like (show examples), and also is starting rumors about me. Normally I would talk to her but I feel like the retribution would be immediate. Also she is very friendly with the RAs and when i am in Bio class with them they have said things like and . I feel like if I talk to them there will be more retribution and it will get back to roommate. "

Then think about what you want. To move apartments? Then ask for that.

How did you find your therapist? They do not seem a good fit.
Have you talked to your college’s counseling center?

7

I don’t think I would even ask for advice for how to live with her. This person sounds like a nightmare. I would just go and ask for a room switch as quickly as possible. Also get a footlocker and lock your stuff in it. If I were you, I would lock my toilet paper in my room, too, and only bring it with me when I go to the bathroom. But I’m petty.

Other than that, though, I agree that you may unfortunately need to be the first to break from the high school mindset. She sounds like a girl who used similar techniques in high school and it probably worked for her - being the ‘mean girl/queen bee.’ But you - and your roommates - can break free and realize that she has no power over you and you don’t have to take her mess.

So the next time she screams at you, calmly say “Amber, I’m going to need for you to stop screaming at me.” This will probably infuriate her and only make her scream more, to which you respond “If you keep screaming at me, we’ll just have to end this conversation.” And when she does continue, just walk away. You are under NO obligation to listen to someone screaming at you. If you have to leave the apartment do so. Or lock your room door.

I also agree that it’s unlikely people are actually staring at you because of her rumors - you may be imagining some of it. But even if they are, just ignore them and go on about your business. If you act like your normal self and befriend people, at least some of them will realize that the problem is with her and not you.

As for the two RAs who butt into your conversations…take the same tack with them. When they start talking, stop and stare at them silently for a moment, then continue your conversation as if they never began talking. (If they are actually rude to you, they likely also have a housing director who is their boss. Document the rudeness and report them. I used to supervise RAs and I’d be livid if some of my RAs were blatantly treating a resident rudely.)

Is your therapist a school therapist? If so, I would report her comments to the counseling center. If she’s an outside therapist, you have less recourse, but I’d still find another one.

Unfortunately it sounds like you are surrounded by a lot of stunningly immature college freshmen.