Regret My Initial College Decision to go to Yale (Parents Too Involved), Want to Transfer Out

Transfer Students
1

Hi all,

I originally got into Stanford and Yale, but ended up going to Yale and deeply regret my decision. My dream school throughout the entire college process was Stanford, but my parents forced me to go to Yale using harsh language (I will spare you the details) and managed to peer-pressure me using some tactics that in retrospect, were incredibly manipulated and misleading. I don’t understand why they did this considering that they had generally been reasonably trustworthy people prior and had no involvement at all with my college application process (I did everything myself and they had no idea how the college application process actually worked), but I suspect that the fact that one school was an Ivy League university and the other wasn’t played a big role in this.

I tried to make the best of it, but I don’t feel connected at all with the residential college community and don’t feel adequately supported socially. Yale doesn’t really offer a great science program or start-up scene, and I honestly hate the weather so much—I realized from several experiences recently that I really value being outside, and the relatively cold weather has seriously dampened my experience here. I feel that a lot of people at Yale are a little too elitist to be my type and I feel that a lot of the community is kind of fake happy/open at times. I think my biggest issues with the university are how socially elitist certain systems are and how people seem to look towards the immediate future and social cachet over prioritizing meaningful relationships or coming up with seriously new, big ideas to change the world as opposed to just trying to follow a path that has been traveled before by many. I realize I would thrive in a more entrepreneurial, not status-quo culture, that would actually help me thrive as a person.

I feel mixed about my experience so far after my first semester. The academics have been outstanding, with fantastic professors, and I am ending the semester with a 4.0 gpa in relatively challenging courses. I have been involved in a few campus organizations and have a fine relationship with my roommates. I know that on the surface, I am doing quite fine, but I don’t feel happy internally. I feel that I could’ve grown so much more outside of academics if I were not stuck inside every day in such a competitive, elitist culture. Some people worry about whether they’ll get the grades for a prestigious law school way too much for my taste, and I would rather take it easy and go with the flow. I know that Yale is not the worst offender here, but I still feel that I am not at “the place,” especially considering that this was never the place I wanted to go to most.

I have thought about transferring a few times but have tried to keep those thoughts out, but now that the semester is over I am seriously considering it. I was wondering whether you have any advice that may be helpful. Thank you in advance.

2

Will your parents support you (financially) if you transfer? If not, then they basically veto transferring.

It does look like the conflict with your parents about college choice, rather than anything major about Yale, is the real problem. But you have to realize that your parents have full veto power over your college choice, so you may be stuck with what they say until you graduate. However, after you graduate, you will no longer need them financially, so you can keep them at arm’s length to avoid further conflict.

3

“I did everything myself and they had no idea how the college application process actually worked…”

First, do you have any inkling as to just how many kids in this country as well as around the world who’d love to be in your shoes right now, to have been accepted to both Yale and Stanford? Second, were you born Yale or Stanford bound without all the suckling and nurturing that went into by years of your parental guidance, money and sacrifice? I sure don’t know a single soul who has been accepted to such schools all by himself from the birth. You sure sound that way. Perhaps your parents are indeed crappy parents, but they were at least responsible for getting you to where you’re now. Have some gratitude. If not feeling all that grateful, then at least don’t malign them in such a public manner. Imagine how your parents would feel if they perchance read your post? As a parent, the worst kind of posts that I often run across here on CC are those that dis their parents.

Now, as for going from Yale to Stanford, what makes you cocksure that Stanford is going to be a better place for you? What makes you think that Stanford would make you “feel more connected with the residential college community” and “feel adequately supported socially”? I’m not saying they couldn’t. All I’m saying is that, likewise, they may not be all that different from Yale. There’s no way of knowing what it’s like to be at Stanford unless you’ve already been there. As for Yale’s not-so-great “science program” and “start-up scene,” are you seriously suggesting that a world-class institution like Yale isn’t adequately equipped to produce great scientists or tech start-ups? Doesn’t that have more to do with the student initiatives rather than the institution? As for weather: as a college and a grad student in California myself, I remember swearing never to leave the Golden State for any other pasture. Well, when I was offered a dream job from the East Coast upon earning my grad degree, I just couldn’t turn that down in spite of having to leave the great weather behind. I told myself that, after a few years of my new job, I’d return to the Golden State and live there until my retirement. Well, over the decades hence, a funny thing happened. Each time I visited my hometown in California in ensuing years, I started to appreciate the variety of weather that four seasons afforded me more and more and how increasingly bored I became with the same old California weather, the same old palm trees, the matchbox houses, the Spanish roof tiles, the dreadful traffic, the same beach scenes with no sense of history nor character, etc. Yet, these are the very same things that I swore to never part with – once upon a time. The point is that things change, perspectives change, everything in life changes – with time.

It could very well be that Stanford is just perfectly suitable for you and that your chance of achieving the greatest success in life may be through Stanford. No one knows. Just think very carefully about passing judgments about your circumstances, your parents, your fortune thus far in your young life, things that you take for granted, what makes your “dream school” truly a “dream” as opposed to youthful and fanciful imagination – all these things that can change with the vicissitude of time.

4

I dont doubt you believe your feelings to be valid but I do feel you are idealizing college and your expectations of fellow students and university culture. Top schools are full of driven, ambitious, competitive and elitist students and professors. Elitism is not just the elitism of wealth but also of academia. Stanford may have better weather and proximity to start ups but other than that you will find that many of these schools have very similar students–that is how they got there. If you REALLY want less elitism and more real world then I suggest a flagship state university–like UC Berkley or UT or UBC or UNC. (Im keeping your weather commentary in mind) Somehow I dont think those choices will appeal to you either.

5

You sound determined to be unhappy at Yale. And so you are.

6

um… no. op does not. s/he sounds unhappy at yale for decent reasons in my opinion. the weather, the elitist culture, and not feeling connected to the community are some of the many reasons a student would be unhappy at an institution like yale. it’s not for everyone. don’t point fingers/make assumptions.

now that that is out of the way, op, i hate to break it to you, but the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. also, although i think your reasons for wanting to transfer are completely valid, yale “not offering a great science program” is not a good enough reason for stanford to accept you as a transfer… at all. none of your reasons are good enough, really. you’ll need better reasons than the ones you already have.

i say spend another semester at yale and see how it goes. if you end up deciding to transfer, that’s fine. but don’t give up a (literal) once-in-a-lifetime opportunity just willy-nilly.

7

However, his/her first paragraph was about being forced to go there instead of Stanford by his/her parents. Losing that battle probably prejudiced him/her against Yale, while leading him/her to idealize Stanford.

8

@op there’s most certainly a different vibe between the NE schools and Stanford. If your heart is telling you to transfer then why not see where it leads. I had a similar choice between Yale and Stanford years ago and made my choice. As a mid-Atlantic native there was pressure to attend the Ivy. I can say with certainty that had I gone on to Yale I’d be well into med school rather than knee deep in a different sort of stress having launched a funded startup the moment I graduated. Startups are very much the fabric of the Bay Area. If you are serious about entrepreneurship then there is no better school than Stanford.