Rejected - Worried Kid Will Do Something Stupid

Parent Cafe
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<p>Wow, guiltguru pretty strong post - I do not need my d to walk in my footsteps. We are as different as night and day. Frankly I would love to have been as well rounded as my d is, she has pursued so many varying activities and excels at all of them. I will support any decision she makes but yesterday was reactionary based on a bad game and a rejection letter from her first choice. I just want her to make sure that quiting is what she really wants. Last night we made fun of the coach, gave her a nickname etc, we laughed alot. Not the most mature response but it lightened the mood. </p>

<p>As ar as the LAC coach she will have to deal with him now as he calls weekly and is expecting a tape. He is a nice guy, we have spent alot of time with him, but she would have to explain. </p>

<p>The sleeping alot only started yesterday, this is not something that has been going on for months. </p>

<p>I know how hard this is for her, we are very close. It has always been just the two of us. Her dad walked out when I was pregnant, she never met him although he is a teacher about 90 miles from here. It breaks my heart to hear her say "I used to be so good". She is still good, I caught for her over the winter and know what she can do - maybe it is the pressure of the nasty coach.</p>

<p>Once again, if she wants to quit she can, I just don't want her to regret it next week. Yesterday was an incredibly bad day, pitched poorly and rejected from number 1 school. Maybe when she wakes up today things will look different, it is a new day. Some of you make me sound like a monster, I am not. I have never put expectations on my d, she puts enough, too much, on herself. I am always the one saying call in to school, take a day off etc, although she never does. If I were as demanding as some of you infer we would not be close and she would not tell me to be worried. She would be out drinking or whatever. As a single parent I have raised a child who is top ten in her class, talented in music and softball, on the state championship mock trial team etc.. that did not happen by me berating her constantly. It happened with unconditional love and support and she will always have that from me.</p>

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<p>juba2jive - we really appreciate the catchers - honestly. You are unsung heroes. </p>

<p>Coaches are an interesting breed, we have dealt with many over the years but I have never disliked a coach so strongly. I agree another position would be an option but the team has only 2 pitchers. My d actually pitched every game her freshman and sophomore years. Due to the lack of pitchers the coach keeps them in a bubble, they pitch and sit down. My d playing outfield is a funny thought, she is skinny but as slow as a turtle! Also those long throws would not be great for her arm. She plays first base in the summer - sometimes. She's not bad and she can hit but this coach would never accomodate her that way, I know it for a fact. It is a great suggestion and if the coach actually cared at all for my d's feelings I would suggest it. At this point I think my d 's choices are to sit and pitch only a game of the Saturday doubleheader (until she proves she is better then the other pitcher, which when she is on she definitely is) or throw in the towel.</p>

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<p>If the girls on the team shun her or are rude if she feels the need to leave and heal her body and soul, then they are terrible people </p>

<p>There is a truth to having team loyalty, but its a two way street</p>

<p>I am not saying quit, and I am not saying stay, but imagine yourself being around people for hours a day who treat you poorly</p>

<p>If she decides to stay, she stops helping them with their work and focuses on herself</p>

<p>If she decies to stay, she needs to change her expectations from the other players, this team sounds icky, and if you don't expect anything from them emotionally, you can't be disappointed</p>

<p>So if she stays, she should approach this like a job, show up, do her darndest with her goal toward stats for college, be courteous, have class, but don't assume these are her friends</p>

<p>This is sad to say, but sounds like it might be the case</p>

<p>Does she have one girl on the team she is close with? Nurture that friendship, if not, REALLY put energy into non-soft ball friends</p>

<p>Getting out of that envionmnet, stopping the homework calls, and hanging with people that like you for who you are, not whether to you won or lost the game, can heal lots of wounds</p>

<p>My D had a really rough time in 7-8 grade, classic mean girl stuff...difficult to deal with, we talked and her stratgey was no do well to show them up, to have fun and ignore their antics, and when she learned to do that, no expect anything from former friends, she felt freed</p>

<p>THis will pass, and I can understand not wanting her to do somethin rash, but she needs to trust herself</p>

<p>As for the coach, been there, done that</p>

<p>My youngest D has a saying, an oldie but a goodie</p>

<p>This to shall pass</p>

<p>If she sticks it out, at least she is aware and she needs to not be embarrassed, I mean who cares really</p>

<p>It is not like all the fans are counting her time on the mound, and if anyone asks why she is playing less, she can say, well softball and coaches....and let it go</p>

<p>Often teens are so concerned about appearances- and part of growing up is letting go of that concern, your D may think that people are talking about her playing time, etc, but they aren't....and if the players are, then they have fallen into the coaches trap</p>

<p>And remember, if she was pitching as a frosh and soph, what about those senior players she replaced? So, maybe this is her tme to let go of her pride an ego a bit, and start enjoying herself...so what if she gets let playing time, many coaches bring up younger players, and if this coach is doing it out of having a teacher's pet, believe me, the other players know it</p>

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<p>Explanation to the coach, who calls weekly - "I had an injury that has been hampering my efforts, so I cannot send you a tape. I'm hoping it will heal in time for tryouts next fall."</p>

<p>End of call.</p>

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<p>*The stupid thing in your title "worried kid will do something stupid" is that she will quit the softball team?</p>

<p>You do understand that all of us thought you were referring to a suicide attempt? That's why everyone was recommending immediate professional help.*</p>

<p>pretty much here too- after all it isn't unusual
just this time of year last spring a girl my daughter practiced soccer with stepped off the Aurora bridge- she might have had a chance if she had landed in the water but she didn't :(</p>

<p>I almost want to laugh- a sports team?</p>

<p>Read my response to laserbrother on another thread
if our kids learn, that by limiting their choices, that then limits subsequent choices, that is * their* lesson to learn.
We HAVE to give them a chance to learn their own lessons and make their own mistakes.
Choices we make our selves and then have to live with, have greater resonance and value than choices others make for us.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
As ar as the LAC coach she will have to deal with him now as he calls weekly and is expecting a tape. He is a nice guy, we have spent alot of time with him, but she would have to explain.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Let me see if I can put this politely. If your daughter has her acceptance letter from the LAC, screw the coach.</p>

<p>It is extremely unlikely that the LAC used one of its athletic recruiting slots on a girls softball player who had the stats to get accepted on the basis of academics. She doesn't owe him a tape or anything else. Once she sends in her deposit, you probably won't even hear from him until it's time to show up next fall. He's calling because he wants her to enroll at his school.</p>

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<p>It was about suicide not quitting a stupid team. Maybe I did not articulate that clearly. She was leaving to go to the gym and made a comment about doing something stupid - softball was the catalyst, along with the rejection letter. She feels she "has not accomplished nothing this year". As she was leaving I asked if I needed to be worried and she said maybe. I would not be worried about her quitting a team, for God sakes I am not a psycho softball mom. I do not think my d would really do something that rash but one never knows, a boy from church that I had taught for years stepped in front of a train, absolutely the last kid I would have expected to do something like that.</p>

<p>Wow, amazing that any of you could think that "doing something stupid" referred to softball although maybe you did not read the entire thread as that is what is has come down to.</p>

<p>My d has made her own choices her entire life I don't have time to be a helicopter parent. If I would have had my way she would be taking ceramics and photography second semester of senior year, not six AP's. I read on this board what some parents do for their kids and am amazed. I talk and listen but never actually do things, or make decisions for her. </p>

<p>I am afraid she will attempt suicide? I was yesterday. She is still sleeping, maybe things will look different to her today. Yesterday was just a really, really bad day. She has worked incedibly hard to get into a great college and be a great pitcher, yesterday she got slapped in the face by both. She is not used to disappointment, like most on these boards she is successful at most everything she attempts. Learning to deal with disappointment is an important life lesson, I just want to make sure she is able to handle it in a constructive matter.</p>

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<p>Oh, one other thing, d pitched for JV her freshman and sophomore years as varsity had an all conference pitcher so she did not displace anyone, just made the natural progression.</p>

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<p>daviban: Sorry to hear about your daughter's situation. Believe it or not, your/her situation is not unique, you just don't see it come out on these threads. Also, your daughter's situation is one that occurs behind closed doors in many communities across the country, they're just not the things that people like to talk about in public. People in most communities are often unaware of the number of hurting and/or stressed-out teens that are out there, even when it may be occuring right next door.</p>

<p>In response to your opening post, I would treat your daughter's "maybe" seriously. Doesn't necessarily mean that she would actually do something, but it's always best to err on the side of caution. Also, her "maybe" may be a cry for help. Apparently, she hurting inside and would like to do something to address it. She's not alone....kid's these days are under a great deal of stress.</p>

<p>My suggestion is to deal with this right away. If you need suggestions, talk to her guidance counselor immediately, as he or she is a professional who has probably dealt with similar issues on numerous occasions. If this is something that requires expertise beyond the scope of the guidance counselor, he/she will be able to refer you to an appropriate professional.</p>

<p>You probably don't see this right now, but in the long run it's probably a good thing that this situation arose while she's still at home. Hopefully, through good counseling, she can learn some good stress management techniques and coping mechanisms before she leaves for college.</p>

<p>Also, while your thoughts are focused on your child, be sure to take good care of yourself, too.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

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<p>Two cents from another stranger: your daughter should quit or not, it doesn't really matter. But once she gets to college, she should drop softball and try another sport, one in which the body functions symmetrically and which can be done after college--like swimming, running, ultimate frisbee, soccer--because a) she clearly enjoys sports, and b) softball doesn't seem to be a good choice anymore, with the repeated injuries.</p>

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<p>One of the most important jobs of a LAC coach is convincing as many players who have the academic stats to ... apply. However, even more important is convincing admitted players to ... enroll. To understand the difficulty of the latter, take a look at the yield numbers. When it comes to LAC's, it is just a reality that many students have options for academics and athletics, and the absence of non-need based scholarships does not help </p>

<p>It may help the OP to set aside all this NONSENSE about "recruited" players at Div III teams. For all purposes, most of the talks about "being recruited" and "being offered money to play ball" is fodder for parental discussions in the bleachers --and often riddled with partial and half-truths, especially in the non-headcount sports. How many parents do you see correctly pegging the value of a 1/8 scholarship at a Div I, Div II, or even lower programs? The price for bragging rights is a high one to pay!</p>

<p>An acceptance at a LAC means that the student has the academic background; the possibility to help the school on the athletic front is pure gravy. It will never be the other way around. </p>

<p>As I wrote before, time has come for the OP to relegate the importance of sports to its relative insignificance. Being honest with the coaches should not be hard at all. In return, the coach will be honest and help navigate through this ordeal.</p>

<p>Fwiw, I would encourage the OP to read older posts by Curmudgeon, or contact him. Ask him about how his daughter who won a basketball state championship in ultra-competitive Texas transitioned to a Div III team. Also, check the roster of the team your daughter "might" have played in college ... count the juniors and seniors. Read the stories of Interesteddad about girls missing Christmas and studying at banquets honoring them. </p>

<p>It isn't as glamorous as one might think! Sports should be about fun and camaraderie. Is that happening to your family now?</p>

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<p>First, I do believe we will hear from the LAC coach this summer. The DIII schools do not really have recruiting spots since money is not given for sports and this LAC in particular will not lower its' standards for athletes. He calls about one a week and emails frequently. He has asked what tournaments d will be at this summer so he could come and watch. He is rebuilding the program and needs a pitcher. He called immediately after their spring trip and admitted he really, really needs another pitcher. She is the only recuited pitcher for next fall. That being said I don't really care, I have gotten to know him well over the last several months and would not have a problem with d telling him she is taking a break and indecisive about playing in college. In the scheme of things this really doesn't matter. For my d, however, it is a matter of pride at this point. She was wined and dined at her last visit and spent the weekend with the team. Eating crow is difficult for an adult, extremely hard for a teen.</p>

<p>As far as picking another sport d is not an athlete, she is a pitcher. Ironically the injuries are not to her arm or softball related. The injuries are stress related due to her extensive workout regimen, too much running which is part of her OCD (a whole nother thread!). Her pitching talent is still there, I agree with the poster who says she has performance anxiety due to the coach. I also believe that being a pitcher is completely different from most other sports/positions. It takes a certain type of person to handle and enjoy that kind of pressure. I have coached girls who were remarkably talented but would cry when they walked a batter. </p>

<p>Guidance counselor overworked and useless. I doubt she could pick my d from a line up and she never returns a phone call. Not her fault, way too many kids to deal with, she got out all the college apps in a timely manner and I am greatful for that. </p>

<p>I am not a big fan of psychiatrists as they always seem to want to medicate. I honestly wish that I could find a recent college grad, a psychologist, who would just walk and talk with my d, I think that would be the most effective.</p>

<p>D has always dealt with the stress well. She works out 2 hours every day and that seems to relax her (wish I could do that). Of course, working out is the obsessive component of her OCD at the moment. </p>

<p>Coaches, like bosses and teachers, can be idiots. It is a life lesson learned if nothing else. I would just like to see some empathy from this woman but I honestly do not believe she is capable of it. No one on that team worked harder then my d in the offseason, I just wish the coach would recognize that but I am dreaming.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
For my d, however, it is a matter of pride at this point.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>That is so unfortunate, especially if pride is mixed with the expectation of adulation!</p>

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<p>
[quote]
That being said I don't really care, I have gotten to know him well over the last several months ...

[/quote]
</p>

<p>That's the problem we are trying to point out. A parent shouldn't get to know a Div III coach well. It's your daughter's college and your daughter's life. It's fine to be interested, but we've all got to step back and let our kids work things like academics and college sports through for themselves. Scary as it may seem, they are becoming adults. That's what the high school to college transition is all about.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
The DIII schools do not really have recruiting spots since money is not given for sports and this LAC in particular will not lower its' standards for athletes.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Yes. They do have recruting spots and they will lower standards for recruited athletes. Williams does, Amherst does, Swarthmore does, Haverford does, Bowdoin does. They all do.</p>

<p>However, the recruiting slots are typically reserved for sports where they cannot get an impact player accepted based on academics. Football, ice hockey, basketball, mens baseball. </p>

<p>Athletes with high academic qualifications don't get recruiting slots. They get recruited by coaches showing interest and calling all the time until the enrollment deposit is sent in. Your daughter needs the reassurance that she got accepted by a good LAC because she impressed them academically. Softball is an extracurricular activity. If she enjoys the extracurricular activity, great. If she doesn't enjoy it, then she doesn't owe the college anything. It's not like they are giving her a $40,000 a year scholarship to throw a softball.</p>

<p>I can't tell you how common it is for athletes at Div III schools to get interested in other things (including academics) and drop their sports. That's fine. College is supposed to be about getting interested in "other things".</p>

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<p>Interesteddad summed it up. </p>

<p>Daviban - You were worried about thoughs of suicide, but you still want her to "give it one more week". What kind of message, unintentional, I'm sure, do you think that is giving her? At the very least , the pressure she feels must be almost unbearable.</p>

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<p>Okay, you are way too judgemental for me. I am done. I have read thousands of posts on this board where I thought parents were wacked but have never judged them, except I think for one who was complining about his kid being spoiled. I'm done, I was looking for support and am not finding it here.</p>

<p>As far as knowing the DIII coach well it is hard to spend a couple weekends with the team and not know him. I am also an alumni who played in the alumni game last fall. D knows him better. He emails me on occasion but that is the extent of it, he talks to d regularly.</p>

<p>As far as the adualtion comment, not sure what you meant.</p>

<p>I am leaving now. I will go and pray that one day I can be the perfect parents that you all obviously are, it is what I aspire to be.</p>

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<p>To have your self worth wrapped up so much in jst one aspect of your life is not healthy</p>

<p>Lots of things can happen- cancelling the program, coaches stinks, teammates are horrid, injury, personal stuff</p>

<p>And, you D is an athlete. not just a pitcher, and to me it is kind of disparaging to not acknowledge that</p>

<p>There are so many issues here....and the coaches feelings are at the bottom of the pile... he is paid to do what he does and has worked with many different players and situations</p>

<p>Decisions shouldn't be made because of the college coaches' feelings, but your daughter's health and well being</p>

<p>So she doesn't play in college...it might be nice to have a different focus and not have life wrappe up for another for years in a sport</p>

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<p>Daviban, I think what you can do for your daughter at this moment is to go to her and tell her that you are behind her whatever she chooses to do right now. Don't assume she already knows that you are always behind her. Tell her directly that, while you've previously seaid she should stay with the softball right now, you're no longer sure that is the right decision. That she should quite right now if she wants.</p>

<p>Sometimes that is the best gift we can give our kids, whatever the stress that they are suffering. She is feeling all kinds of pressure and you can relieve one part of it. The fear that she might let you down. The freedom to consider no one else's perspective but her own, at this moment, is an important freedom.</p>

<p>I don't think I'm really putting this quite correctly. But what I mean is that the moment she feels it is her decision alone, her choice to make... is the moment that she may feel such relief that it will change her whole perspective.</p>

<p>That sleep is avoidance and/or depression. Give her the one thing you can at this moment, which is one less worry - the worry of what mom thinks.</p>

<p>Don't get me wrong. I am <em>not</em> saying that you are an overbearing stage-mom. Nor that you are the cause of the stress she feels. Just that you have the power to relieve one part of it. I can feel your love and concern for her. And I can feel (even though other posters may think otherwise) that you are not - and would never - push her for your own motives. But just as tiny little kids can believe it is their fault when parents divorce or a parent dies - and we know that this is not possible at all - our teenaged and young adult kids can feel their choices are limited because they might let us down. Even when we absolutely don't want them to feel that. Even though we are behind them no matter what they choose. You simply need to say it to her directly right now. You might be amazed how much it can help.</p>

<p>If it doesn't help as much as I think it might, still there is nothing lost.</p>

<p>Good luck with this. We all hurt, and even bleed, when our kids hurt. We have pretty much all been there with our kids, whether its over sports, academics, lost love or whatever. It is the hardest part of parenting imo.</p>

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<p>Unfortunately, you are dealing with fallout from more than one area. Rejection from No 1 school, lack of validation from coach, and the way OCD exaccerbates these kind of things in an individual. OP seems okay with daughter cutting back on an obviously rigorous schedule but kid won't do it. This is the problem with OCD. It is so hard to watch someone you love drive themselves to be perfect and then watching when the tiniest crack or flaw drives them to the brink of utter and complete failure and breakdown. As more things go wrong, even small things like a computer problem, a friend who bails on an invite to the movies, etc, the obsession becomes worse. Nothing you do or say can make the individual realize the insignificance of these things in the long run. Because of their illness, there is NO insignificant thing. It is a really hard way to live. And sometimes, pointing out the insignificance makes them feel stupid and useless because they feel betrayed that you can't see things as they do. </p>

<p>Baseball seems to be one of the ways daughter kept control in her life. Important for OCD. A sense of accomplishment and long term continuity. At this point in time, she would probably be better without it but what will replace the obsessive need for control? Can she replace it with something less destructive to her ego or will she replace it with something equally or maybe even more destructive? Because of the additional stress involved with the OCD, the choices are not as simple as encourage her to quit or stay long enough for other things in her life to settle down and then make the decision. It is a question of how to help her cope once she loses this anchor in her life which has helped stabilize her in previous years but maybe isn't now. </p>

<p>My heart goes out to you and your daughter. Just keep loving her and helping her deal with these things. And yes, it may be good this happened at home so that she has better coping mechanisms and a soft place to land before she gets to college. 18 or not, grownup or not, individuals who are dealing with emotional, mental or physical issues can always use the extra support.</p>