Religion and Love

<p>Like everyone else said, be up front and say that you don't find it necessary to convert you personal beliefs to make your relationship work. Love isn't conditional on personal beliefs.</p>

<p>Tell her that if she really loved you, she wouldn't make you change yourself for her.</p>

<p>Because that's true. If she absolutely needs you to convert that means she only loves you conditionally.</p>

<p>(Desistant may have disappeared, so I guess this is for couples who are considering marriage but do not see eye-to-eye on religion.)</p>

<p>Part ways now, and consider it a blessing that she is not so self-confident/self-righteous as to think that she can be religious enough for the both of you. She is telling you now that she needs her boyfriend and future husband to be religious right along with her.</p>

<p>Here is one likely scenario if you decide to do the minimum religiously to stay with her:</p>

<p>She will agree to marry you under certain conditions such as 1) if you go to certain church services and 2) if you allow the kids to be raised Baptist. You say yes - it seems easy enough because you love her and she's a good person, and the kid part is so far in the future that who knows what might happen? Time goes by and you go to church with her as you promised, but frankly you begin to resent it more and more and... your resentment becomes obvious to both of you. She gets to thinking "I'd rather have him stay home with his attitude" and she lets you off the hook, but resents you for not keeping the spirit of your original bargain.</p>

<p>Meanwhile your kids (congratulations!) are growing up and wondering, "Why doesn't daddy go to church?" She HATES answering that question, but what she really hates is when YOU answer it because you just can't keep the disdain out of your voice. She sees the other families at church and it breaks her heart a little every time she goes. She sometimes thinks back with regret and wonders who else she could have married instead who would have shared her faith, but realizes she must make the best of her situation, especially because of the kids.</p>

<p>And when the rest of your family go to church, you stay at home and do useful things around the house or take up some hobby. You are SO glad not to be at church! You thought your wife might grow out of the whole religious thing (you've tried lovingly reasoning with her) but if anything, she could be more religious now than when you first got married. You wonder why she seems more distant, especially on the weekends. She seems mostly fine and happy, but unaccountably bitter at times. Intimacy and other things important to a good marriage suffer somewhat.</p>

<p>Your kids grow up and as they approach adulthood, one remains Baptist like his mom and the other is a [how would you define yourself - non-religious theist? moral agnostic?]. Your wife blames your other kid's lack of faith squarely on you, because you were religiously absent and not a good example as the kids were growing up. You assure her that you do indeed believe in God - just not in being a Baptist - and that kids will find their own way as adults. Yet, she is unhappy and still feels like a failure in an area of her life that is extremely important to her, her religion. She wishes she had paid more attention to the warning signs years ago, when you were both still single. ...</p>

<p>Yeah... so be strong and part ways, and thank her for being honest with you and for knowing what she really wants in a husband. Neither one of you should convert your beliefs - unless there is a HUGE amount of common ground (one hint: if a strong belief of hers seems "retarded", then there is not enough common ground). Make a clean break now and be thankful.</p>

<p>
[quote]
Meanwhile your kids (congratulations!) are growing up and wondering, "Why doesn't daddy go to church?" She HATES answering that question, but what she really hates is when YOU answer it because you just can't keep the disdain out of your voice. She sees the other families at church and it breaks her heart a little every time she goes. She sometimes thinks back with regret and wonders who else she could have married instead who would have shared her faith, but realizes she must make the best of her situation, especially because of the kids.

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<p>it doesn't have to be this way. my dad's jewish and my mom's a methodist. my little sister and i went to a methodist church when we were little and were baptized and confirmed. however, my parents made an effort to be inclusive--they taught us about judaism; we celebrated both hanukkah & christmas, along with other jewish holidays like passover (and easter!). we stopped going to church because we moved around a lot and my mother had a problem with a couple methodist churches being anti-gay despite their "open doors, open minds" slogan. </p>

<p>i'm agnostic now (atheist on a bad day haha), and i've never questioned why my parents didn't participate in the same religious activities--they always made tolerance a strong value in our family (and we've always listened to my grandmother share her stories of nazi germany--her jewish family blessedly escaped to america shortly after kristallnacht). you could make this kind of "interfaith" relationship work if you both keep an open mind about things.</p>

<p>^ Leah, as a fellow agnostic, I would have to say religious zealots would see your family a a failure rather than success. See, you dad's Jewish and your mom's Methodist - you're now Agnostic. The OP's girlfriend probably wants her kids to be Baptist, not atheist/agnostic, and many religious people don't want their kids to necessarily be openminded, but follow their parents religion.</p>

<p>How old are you??? If you are college age, then don't worry about this. Your relationship is unlikely to last and you shouldn't be giving yourself grief over this.</p>