<p>“She knows that I would not refuse my D. I can still refuse my wife and may take a stand on staying but if D will ask me to come then I’ll move.”</p>
<p>Why? Do you really think it’s in your D’s best interest that you pick up stakes and move like that? How is it that so many other students move coast to coast and do fine without their parents following them? Surely you’ve seen students who’ve moved continents away from their parents to come to completely new cultures here, and still have flourished.</p>
<p>Personally, I think that both you and your wife are using your D as an excuse to avoid looking at the difficulties in your own marital relationship.</p>
<p>"But honestly, Parent, you need to man up and insist that your wife not wreck your daughter’s life in this way.:</p>
<p>He needs to man up and insist that his wife not wreck his marriage that way or if he doesn’t want to do that, he needs to admit that there’s not much of a marriage there, and perhaps it’s time for both he and his wife to move on…</p>
Yes, that might provide a better solution but the way the number of application increased at Stanford (20%) that seems like a long shot. Also if she gets into both S and H then also my wife is going to make sure that she matriculate at H.</p>
<p>No, I won’t expect my D to visit you every weekend.
Also I would be able to make D’s life much pleasant if I move with my wife and that is why D will force me to move with her.</p>
<p>I don’t think culture is a factor here. Not many people on this board can claim being more Asian than I am. To prove, I have two 25-lbs bags of rice in my house, one in use and one in storage just in case Or, you can see a neatly row of shoes on my front porch. We don’t wear shoes inside the house. It’s the Asian thing, you know I am sorry to say, but I feel creepy when I read through the thread.</p>
<p>to those of you who think this is a cultural issue, like a large extended Mexican families living close by, etc ---- well, I disagree. We are not talking about adult families living close to each other to enjoy their life together. We are talking about a wife who definitely intends to be separated from her husband and may be even willing to divorce him if he does not support the idea of their moving 3000 miles to chase the college bound daughter !!!</p>
<p>As I mentioned previously, I am very familiar with the Asian helicopter parent culture, and even there, this would be considered absolute abnormality. </p>
<p>this is NOT a cultural issue. This is NOT parental dedication for the child’s welfare. This is all about this mother’s (unhealthy) emotional needs to cling to her rapidly growing/maturing young adult daughter to the detriment of everybody around her, INCLUDING her daughter.</p>
<p>By the way, OP mentions that the daughter would like him nearby if her mother is nearby because that will make it better. Doesn’t it sound like the daughter DREADS the idea of having to deal with her mother and her excessive needs all by herself without the buffer the father provides? It sounds like she needs her dad nearby because she cannot handle being the sole emotional lifeboat of her mother.</p>
<p>The move to NYC or even boston seems like not a bad plan if its financially feasible, and the new location is somewhere you would want to live. I really enjoyed going to school ~60 miles from my house, since that way I could go home when I was sick, or really stressed, or meet my parents in the city for dinner or whatever. But I did not go home every week, I probably saw my parents ~4-5 times/semester.</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s crazy to want to be on the same coast as your D, but to expect her to come home for multiple days every week and/or to live at home after freshman year is. MIT and harvard are not commuter schools. 95% of socializing takes place on friday and saturday nights, because people are so busy with work/ecs the rest of the week. If she was expected to come home every weekend it would severely negatively impact her social life. In addition, NYC is not all that close to boston. It is close enough to be able to go home for a weekend, but it still takes 4-6 hours travel time to get between the two, and expecting the D to come home every weekend in that situation would make an already stressful freshman year at MIT way worse.</p>
<p>So- being with your wife will help keep your wife from over involvement in your D’s life? You would be better able to stop your wife from interfering too much?</p>
<p>POIH, different scenarios suit different people. A planned move to the east coast could be OK.</p>
<p>But YOU have to decide. This all sounds like your wife is wearing the trousers. Stand up for yourself and I bet things will work out just as you want them to.</p>
<p>I just talked to my wife and told her that a colleague of mine was indicating that students at MIT doesn’t get any time during the semester to go off to their homes even if these are with in 10 miles.
She was too mad to hear that I’m rethinking about moving. So I don’t think she is open to any logical reasoning at this point.</p>
<p>“She was too mad to hear that I’m rethinking about moving. So I don’t think she is open to any logical reasoning at this point.”</p>
<p>It really doesn’t seem like you and your wife have much of a relationship. Counseling may help you figure out what are your best options. From what you’ve posted, it doesn’t seem like your marriage is much of a partnership. It seems like your wife calls all of the shots.</p>
<p>Is there anyone you both know that you think your wife would listen to? Not today, but once she calms down. If you go to church- then maybe the clergyperson? Or maybe she has a friend that is able to help her see reason once she clams down. </p>
<p>How about her family, who I assume are still in Asia? Would any of them be able to help her by telephone to talk through this?</p>
<p>POIH, can you tell your D about what you’ve been telling us? That you’d rather not move because of financial issues, but since wife insists, then you will have to move but you will take a financial hit. What would your D say to this? Can she talk to your wife?</p>
<p>POIH says in so many words that the daughter is the puppet master of this family. All she has to do is ask the dad to come and he will gladly move East with the mom. The daughter appears to expect POIH to be the voice of reason but it has been revealed in his last post he JUST wants to be asked to come along. Am I reading between the lines correctly?</p>
<p>“I do have old college friends on the east coast and I’ve started locating them so that we can create some network if we have to move.”</p>
<p>My question was what would your wife do? Why does all of the work seem to fall on your shoulders? </p>
<p>If you don’t move, what will your wife do when your D isn’t around? She’ll have nothing to do? Most college students who land at a place like MIT would be able to stand up to a parent who’s demanding that they spent lots of time with the parent instead of enjoying campus and academic life. As I said before, it’s not as if your wife can drag your D out of the dorm. Your D is a grown woman.</p>
<p>So, my guess is that your wife would be very miserable all by herself in Mass. or NYC and would eventually come home and start living a more normal life. </p>
<p>Of course, this won’t happen if you cave in and move to be with her.</p>
<p>It sounds like POIH is a “man in the middle”- trying to keep the peace between mother and daughter. A very difficult place to be. </p>
<p>Also difficult for daughter- at some point she needs to learn to stand up to her mother and not expect her father to always take care of her by holding the mother back. </p>
<p>If W goes east with D, the D can always turn off cell phone, not answer the door, and keep herself busy with the many things college offers. And not comply with W’s demands to visit. In theory, W would eventually come home or at least figure out that D doesn’t want the same things she does. </p>
<p>POIH- what would happen if you just flat out said you were not moving East under any circumstances? How would your wife and daughter react?</p>
Or, you can see a neatly row of shoes on my front porch. We don’t wear shoes inside the house. It’s the Asian thing, you know