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All in her families support the idea of her moving. She also get the support of my family too in this case.</p>
<p>“It sounds like POIH is a “man in the middle”- trying to keep the peace between mother and daughter. A very difficult place to be.”</p>
<p>And a place that he doesn’t have to be. Counseling could help him see there are alternatives. He really does have choices.</p>
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She tells that she is here in this country because of me and so I need to make sure that everything works. If she had her ways she would have not left her place of birth.</p>
<p>I think you have 100% unanimity in the responses on this thread that your W hovering over your D and forcing your D to come stay with her every weekend is a very bad idea. I think there’s about 95% unanimity that the move of your W is not a good idea, expecially given the reasons behind the move. </p>
<p>Personally, I think you need to lead the family and not end up in a victim role with your W and D manipulating you to their own benefit (i.e. W will move regardless of what you say/do, your D will “force” you to move with your W). If your W would move away from you regardless of your stance just to be hovering over your D, I agree with others that there’s a basic relationship issue you probably need to address. OTOH maybe she’s just used to manipulating others and is doing that here.</p>
<p>So, given that the response to your question are overwhelmingly that it’s a bad idea and exposes other basic issues, what will you end up doing?</p>
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As far as I understand my wife, she will never come back and she will be able to manage.</p>
<p>Obviously, you want us to agree that there is nothing you can do and that you should just give up and give in to your wife. But you need to shoulder your responsibility as a husband and father–especially as a father-and take steps to deal with this situation. Insist that your family go see a counselor to discuss the situation.</p>
<p>Why did your wife come to the US? I don’t see how anyone could force another to come- she may want to blame you for “making” her come here, but in reality- she did not have to get on the airplane. How long have you been here in the US?</p>
<p>PIH
At this point, your D is accepted to Caltech, which is at least an easy plane trip from Bay area. The problem will assert itself if she is also accepted to MIT or another terrific east coast college. I am torn as to what I wish for you come Pi day, when MIT acceptances go out.</p>
<p>How do you feel about going to counseling for yourself? How would your D and wife feel about going? I know from personal experience that it can help- I have struggled greatly with letting go of my only child to school 1300 miles away. </p>
<p>I know things may seem like there’s “no way out” right now. But- you do have the strength to get through this and the responsibility to not risk your finances and your daughter’s academics.</p>
<p>^I think this is a great idea!</p>
<p>“As far as I understand my wife, she will never come back and she will be able to manage.”</p>
<p>Then, perhaps that’s for the best. From how you’re describing things, it doesn’t seem as if the two of you have a relationship that is supportive of each other. “My way or the highway” doesn’t seem like much of a marriage.</p>
<p>“She tells that she is here in this country because of me and so I need to make sure that everything works. If she had her ways she would have not left her place of birth.”</p>
<p>I doubt that you tied her up and forced her out of the country. Sounds to me like she’s exceptionally good at laying guilt trips. You don’t have to take that. There really are happier ways to live. Your life doesn’t sound happy at all. Again, more reason for you to go to counseling even if she has no interest. You have more options than you are aware of.</p>
<p>I’m still not understanding why POIH would have to pay alimony to a woman who has a job and enough money salted away to live without working for four years. I don’t know why a judge would award a penny in alimony.</p>
<p>California is a community property state, so the marital assets (house, his bank accounts, her bank accounts) would be split evenly in a divorce settlement.</p>
<p>cptofthehouse:
I also don’t think it’s necessarily a negative thing, though it is highly unusual. I think people are seeing the problem in the worst possible light and predicting disaster. Yes, the wife is overly dependent on her daughter. But look at it another way – you have two very devoted parents and a successful, loving daughter just trying to navigate the next stage of their lives. Things could be worse</p>
<p>For the record, I know some parents who wish to do this and others who have actually done it. And they are NOT Asian. It is a <em>cultural</em> issue – obviously most mainstream Americans would never consider this. But many families from different cultural backgrounds have different feelings about sending a child far away to college. </p>
<p>Now in this case the wife has made her intentions clear for many years that she will be following the daughter to college. She has made no secret plans; it’s been very open. I think it’s highly presumptuous for anyone here to tell POIH that his marriage is in trouble and that he needs counseling, or that his wife wants a divorce, etc. POIH seems to be a very devoted dad who is trying to do the best thing for his daughter, and as he describes it, the best thing is to function as a buffer between his wife and daughter.</p>
<p>This may not seem ideal to you or me, but chances are no one is going to change his wife at this late date. I hope POIH can discuss his financial concerns about the move with his wife and hopefully this can be evaluated in a non-confrontational way. And his wife will have to realize sooner or later that daughter’s visits home will be infrequent if she is to do well at MIT. I do have hope that they can resolve this successfully because the priority for both parents seems to be their daughter’s success and happiness.</p>
<p>Would it be better if the wife didn’t insist on following her daughter? Yes, obviously. But, as POIH describes it, his daughter also seems to want her parents nearby. I’m not sure it’s only coming from the wife and I don’t think it’s necessarily a dysfunctional situation. </p>
<p>POIH: I’m sure you also know many families with children who have successfully gone off to college alone. I would encourage some conversations between your wife and these people, as well as with any parents you know who could discuss how little free time their children at top colleges have. I would also suggest giving Stanford another look if your daughter is accepted.</p>
<p>bookworm, she got into both Caltech and MIT EA.</p>
<p>Anneroku- I agree that it is not helpful to try to badger others into counseling or to quickly analyze a situation and come up with very painful statements. Particularly when one is not face to face. It is particularly disturbing when this is done by someone who has attended Harvard and worked as a psychologist/therapist. Such behavior does not lend a lot of support to the “get into therapy” argument. </p>
<p>While going to counseling is a fairly accepted thing among affluent American- borns, it is not the norm in many other cultures. For example, the Chinese and the Mexicans are not really into it and are somewhat skeptical of its merits. Many folks, of various backgrounds, have a “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” ethic that does not lend itself to seeking help. Think of many of our Depression era American parents. </p>
<p>That’s why I would not tell the OP that he had to get counseling or that his wife should- for some folks, that’s an insult akin to saying- you are not capable. </p>
<p>It takes a lot for someone to humble themselves enough to accept that they have a problem that they cannot themselves overcome. Some people never can. I know from personal experience how devastating such an attitude can be. But if the goal is to assist someone in seeing that they may need to consult a professional, the way is not to insult them into it.</p>
<p>POIH, I have no more advice for you, but I want you to know that I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this and I wish you all the best. If you ever need to talk, please remember that we’re here.</p>
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D already have acceptance from MIT/Caltech and she has made up her mind for MIT over Caltech.</p>
<p>OP</p>
<p>It sounds like your wife is exceptionally talented at laying a guilt trip on you. She did not come to USA at a gun point. Obviously, you are catering to all sorts of her needs. you cannot forever do “penance” for your crime of being the reason why she is here. AND, at some point, the baton will be passed from you to your D, and it will be your D who will have to counter your W’s claim of “I am here all because of you, and it’s your job to make everything all right”. </p>
<p>The more this thread is developing, the clearer it gets that your wife’s desire to follow your daughter has nothing to do with your D’s needs, but everything to do with your W’s abnormal needs masquerading as parental devotion. On a short term, you may be the victim of your W’s fixation, blackmail, and tantrum, but on the long term, it’s your D who will pay the price of having to deal with your W’s problem unless you intervene now. Your W needs serious a reality check, and you owe it to your daughter to handle this problem now before your W does much more damage.</p>
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We already have equal amounts in bank and I’ve more in my 401K than hers. I make 5 times more than her. So even after equal division of property, I think I’ll have to pay to even out the difference in our earning capabilities.</p>
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I know it might be just emotional black mail but what if she leaves then it will cause damage to my D’s education. I believe in co-operating towars making the marriage works than revolting.</p>