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Yes, we have gone to the same places on our own; stayed in different hotels; invisible to our daughter without meeting her in person but just to be there.</p>
<p>IMO, that’s going a bit too far. It’s one thing to have a strong bond with your children. It’s another to rationalize stalking your child.</p>
<p>I agree with Anneroku. This is a very American experience and kids and parents in most other countries and cultures do not worry about their kids moving away to grow up. Americans are a distinctly mobile lot. </p>
<p>As but one example, here in Canada it’s much more the norm to go to the school near where you grow up rather than move away for example. I think many Canadian parents can’t fathom having their kids move so far away like their American counterparts do. Kids seem no worse for it. </p>
<p>Having said that our daughter definitely wants to move away and would be mortified at the thought of us coming with her. But families and kids are different and I see nothing wrong or abnormal about wanting to be closer to where your kids are if you can do it, the other practical risks and downsides pointed out on here aren’t a problem for you, and your child <em>genuinely thinks it’s a great idea</em> (certainly no worse then than kids not wanting to move to another coast or leave state or in some cases leave town).</p>
<p>Absolutely no harm meant here if I’m off, but is there maybe a ■■■■■ in action here? This is reminding me of a DadII post.</p>
<p>^ Funny, I often think ParentofIvyHope and DadII are the same person. They sure have a lot in common!</p>
<p>It’s different when a child resides at home while attending college (my nieces and nephews all do). In fact, the whole French system is predicated on that idea. But I have not heard of parents moving to be closer to their children’s colleges.</p>
<p>Each person is different and I can feel your wife’s sadness in “losing” her only child. I am not American-born, am Asian but never did it ever, ever occur to me to move to be closer to my only child (he is 3 hours away). Yes, three hours is definitely a lot better than a plane ride, but I wouldn’t have considered moving if he decided to go to the West Coast. And why not? Because I want him to discover himself, to find his wings, to make decisions on his own, to feel good about himself that he’s an independent and separate being from his parents, to grow up. And I also want to have my own life because I don’t own his.</p>
<p>What is it that your wife is so afraid of if she’s not 50 miles away from your D? I really hope you all find the solution that truly works for all of you.</p>
<p>I would like to provide a slightly different perspective.</p>
<p>Our family moved from Northern California to Connecticut in 2001 where my wife had many relatives. We live one hour from NYC and 2 hours from Boston. </p>
<p>D1 is a sophomore at MIT where she is extremely busy. Being nearby certainly helped while she was a freshman and would occasionally feel overwhelmed by the workload. She could take the train on weekends or we sometimes drive up and spend the day in Boston. There is absolutely no doubt that it made a big difference for her psychologically to know we were just a few hours away if she needed us, and frankly during that very tough freshman year, she needed us a lot. A close friend of hers, a boy she grew up with and left his family back in California had a much tougher time adjusting. </p>
<p>As a sophomore, she now lives in a sorority across the river with many friends and needs us less for emotional support. Despite her hectic schedule she finds plenty of time on weekends to go out to parties, mostly at nearby fraternities. Boston is also a great place to be as a student. She really wants to stay in Boston and as a pre-med woul ideally attend the school up the river than can’t be named! </p>
<p>(It is actually very easy to stay on for grad school at MIT. If you suck up to some professor doing research, they are generally more than happy to recommend you for grad school, just so they can keep you a slave for another 5 years! Quite a few alumni end spending their entire careers at MIT; undergrad, grad and then join the faculty They are called lifers!).</p>
<p>We certainly miss the California climate especially during late winter/early spring. By now everything was in bloom in SF while here we still have to wait for more than a month to just get the first leaves to appear. </p>
<p>On the plus side, we got twice the house and more than an acre for the 1/8 acre we had in the Bay Area, and we live in one of the more expensive parts of CT. The public schools are excellent. Boston and NYC are great cities and there are frankly a lot worse places to live than New England. We may eventually move back to CA to retire, but we don’t regret our move. D2 will probably end up at some other college in the area.</p>
<p>A friend of my husband’s came to Stanford from Venezuela to get a master’s degree when he was in his late 30’s. His mom, with whom he lives when he’s at home, came with him for the two-year program. His mom is a very adventurous person, and the son liked having all the comforts of mom’s cooking and company. This is a very different situation since the son was not traditional college age, not living in a dorm, etc. but it suited both of them just fine.</p>
<p>While I find the situation unusual, I agree that there is not necessarily anything dysfunctional about it. If this moving suits all involved, then fine.</p>
<p>Canada is much the same as France about kids living at home and going to school (in our province, they’ve greatly expanded the university system so students can go to school closer to their homes, making it much more affordable). </p>
<p>I’ve never heard of parents moving with their kids either. But at the same time, just because something is unusual doesn’t make it dysfunctional or harmful per se. For most families, even if everyone in the equation wanted to, it’s simply not at all practical. </p>
<p>Maybe there is something wrong here. But then again, I sometimes think there can be too much negative judgment on this board, as if there is just only one right way to parent or one right way to have a childhood. In other words, if you don’t follow the way ‘we’ do it, your child will turn out messed up. The reality is most kids turn out just fine under all kinds of different environments.</p>
<p>POIH - Would your daughter still want to attend MIT if you and your wife decided to stay in CA?</p>
<p>If everyone agrees with it then it is fine. It is when there is a disagreement or bullying that it can be an issue. If Mom can understand that DD will not always be with her, that she will be studying and socializing, living in dorms, going to events without her, I see no harm. There are many times DD wishes we were closer. But of course there are also many times she is glad we are this far away :)</p>
<p>I considered moving if DD had decided to attend UCLA. But that was to establish residency in CA and cut that tuition bill! It probably would not have been near the school.</p>
<p>Did not read all the replies so forgive if someone pointed out the following. </p>
<p>Your daughter may want to have a familiar place to return to during breaks from college and after graduation. I think many people underestimate the power, security and comfort that comes from having a ‘home’(that one has grown up in) to come back to. If your family has spent any considerable time in your current home, please think long and carefully about leaving it. If she had a healthy and happy life in your hometown, she will want to reconnect with friends, hang-outs, schools that she went to in the past, if you leave her hometown behind you may unwittingly cause a lot of pain. I know my kids have asked that we never leave our home, they want to bring their children here someday, and I hope that we will be able to oblige them of them of that.</p>
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<p>That’s an important issue that the OP is not addressing. While I understand that not all cultures are the same, is this common in the OP’s or his wife culture? That a wife would leave her husband for four years so she could be within 50 minutes of her adult child who will be wildly busy? </p>
<p>Also, the “going on vacation” with the daughter that is really just spying on the daughter without interacting with her is sending up red flags as well.</p>
<p>Something is going on here. I agree that this is sounding more and more like a made-up ■■■■■ “problem.”</p>
<p>A lot of Asian moms in my area left their husbands in their countries and came here with their children for American high school so it’s not dysfunctional.</p>
<p>I completely agree with observation by nysmile and pugmadkate about parents’ vacation plans built around the daughter’s summer activity locations so that they will always stay within 50 miles of their daughter. This is not closeness between the child and parents. This is obsession/compulsion. This, combined with the wife’s willingness to separate from the husband to be near the daughter and stated desire to stay within 50 miles well into the future beyond college, really sets all the alarms off.</p>
<p>There is something psychological going on. Please, let’s not chalk this off on cultural differences. I am from the Asian culture, and even there, this whole dynamics would be abnormal. Not just respectable difference from the norm , but abnormality.</p>
<p>columbia student,</p>
<p>the practice you are talking about: it’s for the MINOR children who are going off to a foreign country and who cannot live independently <strong><em>by law and practically</em></strong>. I am well aware of this phenomenon, some of my own relatives do this. </p>
<p>Even in my native culture where a lot of parents with resources do this, it would be considered way out of the normal boundary to do this for college bound young adults.</p>
<p>POIH,
Your wife is anticipating that she will miss her D very much when she goes off to college, as all parents of only children do [mine is an only child too]. This thinking, that she won’t be able to live without her D close by, is, I’m assuming, driving her “decision” to move to Boston. You both may miss her terribly at first, but that ache will diminish over time. But you are making a big mistake by planning on pulling up roots and following her to Boston, just to be closer to her, especially if you don’t have friends or some social connections in the Boston area. I know you are asian, and believe me, there are far fewer people from the Far East living in that area than are in Calif. There is a great likely hood that you will be more isolated from people with similar backgrounds there than if you stay in Calif. And your D will not be able to spread her wings and learn to get along on her on nearly as well other students with “Mommy” close at hand. In this day and age, with instant communication available 24/7, and the ability to “see” your D through the use of videocams and the internet, there are lots of ways to stay in touch.</p>
<p>I know the reason behind it but I wouldn’t do it. No schools will separate my family period.</p>