<p>" is true a teenager at 18 change her mind every other day. That is the reason my wife would like to be close to her so that in time of difficulty our D can come to us for advice."</p>
<p>? If after growing up and leaving home, your D wants your advice, she can just pick up the telephone or use the computer to contact you.</p>
<p>How is it that hundreds of thousands of young people manage to do quite fine while going to college far from their parents yet you don’t think your D is capable of doing this?</p>
<p>I agree with those who say that your wife is the person whom you and your wife are trying to take care of by this plan to move near your D’s college. Sounds like your wife has no life of her own. It seems that your wife is concerned about not being able to live without having your D around. That’s just not a healthy way for an adult to act.</p>
<p>I’m with you drizzit, I don’t believe this is real.</p>
<p>That said, I do like the daughter’s response. Move 2 plus hours away from Cambridge and have a place where she can crash. This would be what my kids would say!</p>
<p>Mine would just add… and please don’t be there, but would you mind leaving cold beer and lots of snacks?</p>
<p>I thought that our DS would stay at his school or visit typical Xmas vacations and springbreak locales. He decides to fly the 2K+ miles home (Oregon - Pittsburgh/Toronto), everytime, 19 times in 6 years.
All DS did during the visits was to visit a couple of friends, and mostly sleep and email.</p>
<p>Hmom5, you are off base. POIH has been a long time CC contributor with occasional controversial opinions, but always very genuine. Though I’ve argued with him in the past, he’s added much needed diversity of thinking to these boards for years. </p>
<p>POIH: I think your daughters NYC idea is a very wise compromise. Close enough for comfort, far enough to rule out unplanned visits. </p>
<p>Also, MIT Freshman year is indescribably brutal. I went home to NYC a lot freshman year. After the end of sophomore year, I didn’t go home at all for more than a weekend, not summers, not even Christmas week. I had other things going on. </p>
<p>Though POIH’s daughter sounds very well prepared, an occasional break, and Mom in the same time zone sounds like it would be very comforting. </p>
<p>After re-reading this thread again, IMO the OP (I don’t believe for a minute that he’s an equal partner in wanting to move within an earshot of his daughter) and his wife have total control over D. Is this more about control than love?</p>
<p>My older daughter was very sick a few times since she started college. We’ve had to bring her home to take care of her. I have changed my view on going cross country for college. I will say that to my younger daughter when she is ready to look at colleges. But at the end of day, if she feels very strongly about going to a college out West, I am not going to stop her or move there with her.</p>
<p>Many Asians, myself included, tend to cuddle our kids more, especially if they are girls. My Caucasian husband will protest from time to time about “it can’t always be about them, they need to know we have a life and they need to have their own life.” This usually comes up when I’ll change our plan to fit the girls’ needs.</p>
<p>Our D1’s biggest adjustment in going off to college was to have to do everything on her own - no more reminder of sending out various forms for the school, make appts with advisor or professor to finalize schedule, make payments for various things… She told me that she was very stressed to have to try to remember to do everything on top of her schoolwork. At home, she was doing all of those things in HS, but we were always her safety net in case she missed something. A few months into her freshman year, she was able to handle all of those things by herself. We still get the occasional - “Just lost my ATM card, what should I do,” “My computer just froze,” “I can’t make all of my schedule fit,”“My boss at work is a bit upset with me.”</p>
<p>It’s good to let go, like so many people have posted. More importantly, if she wants to go into IB or any part of finance, she needs to be very independent and able to make decsion on her own. I find most people I work with are not necessary that smart, but all of them have a lot of confidence (even confidence to make mistakes) and with a lot of can do attitude. Someone who needs parents’ guidance into adulthood is not a good candidate for going into IB.</p>
<p>The more I read this, the less I think the family is dysfunctional. The solution offered by the daughter re NYC suburbs sounds pretty well reasoned. Remember, we don’t have all the facts here, nor do we Americans really understand the cultural differences that might be at play. So, although I wouldn’t personally do what the OP is suggesting, it doesn’t necessarily make it wrong, not does it make the family in need of therapy. </p>
<p>Now- back to the OP’s original query- re economics. Economically- I like NY suburbs better than Boston. If you have the money and the ability to swing it- look at buying something- the prices are going down. Rental prices should be coming down too, though. </p>
<p>Selling the CA home doesn’t seem feasible at this point, unless you are willing to take a major hit on sale price. I assume you will rent out the CA home- what type of income will you make from that? How do you feel about being a long distance landlord- what to do when the toilet breaks? </p>
<p>Now for jobs- how comfortable do you feel about your transfer possibilities- are they available in NY,NJ? How comfortable does your wife feel about job opportunities in that area? Have you made any substantive inquiries? This may take a while to navigate, which is why in one of my last posts I suggested planning for the sophomore year, not the freshman.</p>
<p>And lastly what is the back up plan if neither of you can land jobs?</p>
<p>Are you kidding? The housing prices of NYC suburbs are astronomical. I suspect the daughter is smarter than we think. By suggesting NYC as a place her parents can live, it keep them 3-4 hrs away and not under her nose. Sounds like the OP 's daughter knows what she is doing.</p>
<p>I think prior to the economic crisis, the move to NY/NJ would have been brilliant. However, we have been beaten with a stick here and THERE ARE NO JOBS. Not in education, not in pretty much anything else. Rental prices haven’t gone down because of rent control, but since THERE ARE NO JOBS it’s very hard to pay those prices. The suburbs are a good idea, but taxes are very high, as is the cost of living, and THERE ARE NO JOBS. Also, this area is going to take a lot longer to recover because (thank you Elliot Spitzer!) we have incredibly inept elected officials. Spectacularly inept. Anyway, if the parents can wait it out for a while and if the economy recovers, they can come to this area and be near daughter when she’s sure what she wants and where she’ll be. But not now. Definitely not a good time. Did I mention that THERE ARE NO JOBS?</p>
<p>How can people say this whole scenario isn’t crazy? It has nothing to do with cultural differences, family values, or staying close to your parents. Lots of kids stay close to their parents – it’s called going to a school that is only an hour or two away or living at home while commuting. What’s crazy here is the idea of the parents quitting jobs and moving cross country. Do many Asian families do THAT? Oh, that’s right – it’s no big deal because the OP just needs his Internet and mom is “very social” – WHATT???</p>
<p>No- I’m not kidding. Although high, the prices on the East coast are dropping also, although perhaps not as quickly as CA. I am by no means knowledgeable of real estate prices throughout the US- I was suggesting that the OP check into it. Perhaps there is a deal out there. One never knows unless one checks. </p>
<p>I believe that the OP wanted thoughts about financial implications of a move- not long discourses about how wrong he and his family are from a psychological standpoint. Just my opinion. </p>
<p>In any case- perhaps there are some financial gurus out here who know the markets- I am trying to help the OP by bringing the discussion back to what I think he was after.</p>
<p>as zoosermom said, THER ARE NO JOBS. Husband is a teacher and there is a hiring freeze in many districts. His district had to let go of some programs and staff to keep their budget down. Everyone here is hanging tight to their jobs. Normally in my job, there was plentiful overtime, now all overtime has been eliminated. In each of our professions and places of work, administration is looking at everything to see where they can cut even more. Even in my “recession proof” job, they are looking to shave off any excess. Not a good idea at present to relocate here. I would imagine Boston is even worse.</p>
<p>I’m no financial wizard, but having one salary disappear, on top of adding another house payment on the east coast sounds rough to me. (Didn’t OP say he was going to stay in California?)</p>
<p>“The more I read this, the less I think the family is dysfunctional. The solution offered by the daughter re NYC suburbs sounds pretty well reasoned.”</p>
<p>It doesn’t make any sense to me. The family is looking at making a coast to coast move in the worst recession in decades. They will lose money on their house, will leave friendships, professional contacts, health practioners, jobs in which they have seniority and benefits (including health care), and will completely change everything about their lives to live near an 18-year-old who, from what I can tell, has never lived on the East Coast before.</p>
<p>There is nothing reasoned about this. The parents are unlikely to get employment. They also will be losing their health care. Even if they land in jobs on the East Coast – which is unlikely given their age and the economy – they probably will have to go a while without health care. If the parents move one at a time, the parent in Calif. will be at big risk of losing their job. Employers may choose to lay off or fire an employee who’s obviously getting ready to move to the East Coast. Far more pleasant to lay off such an employee than to lay of an employee who seems to be planning to remain in the area.</p>
<p>And for all we know, the D may hate MIT and decide to transfer to a Calif. school.</p>
<p>If they are so concerned about being near their daughter, they need to send her to one of the many excellent universities in Calif.</p>
<p>Another thought to consider with such a move- what will the implications be on financial aid? The loss of one salary might be a benefit there, while owning a second home might not. </p>
<p>Another cost to consider is the actual moving cost as well- as well as the travel back and forth to CA if one is an absentee landlord.</p>
<p>Perhaps the OP could consult, if he hasn’t already, with a financial planner who is wise in this type of thing and who could get into the real numbers to determine the feasibility of it all. </p>
<p>Of course, no one can predict what the economy will do right now, and clearly confidence is down- my bet is the recession is here to stay for a while and may likely get even worse. In any case- I caution that this type of move should not be done without full research of the financial implications- there is too much at stake dollar wise to rush into anything.</p>
<p>“It is true a teenager at 18 change her mind every other day. That is the reason my wife would like to be close to her so that in time of difficulty our D can come to us for advice.”</p>
<p>What, can’t you all get on the telephone and talk if the daughter wants or needs your advice? Why does it need to be in person?</p>
<p>The daughter’s suggestion of moving to NYC really says it all. She’s used to this smothering and she’s telling you in so many words, I don’t want you around me, not right now. Listen to it. Your daughter’s a smart cookie.</p>
<p>You have money – you’ve made that point before. Why can’t you plan that you and your wife will fly to Boston for X number of weekends a year while daughter is at college? Surely that will satisfy your need for interaction while still letting her have her freedom.</p>
<p>What, PRECISELY, is your wife so afraid of, if she is not within 50 miles of the daughter?</p>
<p>I agree with the posters who warn that this move sounds financially risky. OP stated that he may have to take a pay cut and on top of that they will be paying the full price for MIT. So yes, the parents need to weigh the financial aspects very carefully.</p>
<p>As for the family dynamics, it sounds like the daughter has known all along that her parents planned to move with her for college, so it’s not like this is a surprise. And she has attended summer programs out of state while her parents vacationed in the same area just to be nearby, so there is a precedent and presumably it worked out. The daughter sounds both accomplished academically and mature in how she deals with her parents.</p>
<p>Obviously this situation is far outside the American cultural norm, but I don’t think it’s as horrible as many posters seem to assume. I went to college far away from home and enjoyed the freedom and distance, but most of my classmates lived much closer to home and they were neither more nor less independent than me. I do remember how much easier travel and breaks were for those who lived a short drive away.</p>
<p>My own daughter is an engineering student at a school close to home. She lives on campus and has a brutal workload, so we don’t see her much. But it is convenient for her to be nearby and she did spend an occasional night at home during that first year. She is very independent and took a gap year abroad, so I had no worries that she could not have handled a college far from home, it’s just a nice convenience that she’s nearby.</p>
<p>In contrast, I know students who attend college across the country, but call their parents many times a day to consult on every detail of their lives. So I don’t think distance alone necessarily creates independence.</p>
<p>Good points annaroku. Distance in an of itself doesn’t mean anything about the ability of the student to achieve independence. And it sounds as if the “togetherness” of this family’s closeness appeals to all. I don’t think we can assume that the D is just not saying what she really feels about all of this. I don’t think we can assume that the D is immature if she wants her parents relatively close by. She has suggested NY- taking into account her parents’ like of that city and setting a 2.5-3 hour boundary. The parents also, seem to have no problem with that as a boundary. </p>
<p>Of course, the D may not have a full understanding of the finances here- I wouldn’t expect her to at this age. It’s complicated enough right now for adults to figure out. That’s why, at this point, I think the focus of the parents’ actions needs to be on the financial implications- deciding what is acceptable vs unacceptable risk to everyone’s financial future. </p>
<p>While it may be helpful to the OP and family to raise the issues of D’s independence, I think it is not helpful to tell them they are flat out wrong for even considering how to make a move such as this work to all’s benefit.</p>