<p>Once when I was considering sending one of my kids to boarding school, I had a discussion with the head of school. During our talk, I told her that my biggest issue was that during these important years, I would not be there to guide him. She was kind and gentle, and showed much respect as she asked me why I would assume that I could provide the best guidance compared to a campus filled with professionals trained to help kids get where they wanted to go.</p>
<p>At the HS level, I did want to be the one to guide. At the college level, I think the pros are better equipped.</p>
<p>hmom5- on a day to day basis, I agree that the professionals at college are better for the student. But, a student will always need his/her parents for some degree of guidance through these years. How each family accomplishes that will vary, based on distance, personalities, cultural, religious values, etc. </p>
<p>All of child rearing is in one way or another a “letting go”- but we each do it in our own way. Sometimes we mess up, sometimes what seems to be the “right” way is actually the “wrong” way for people in other circumstances.</p>
<p>Thanks ClassicRockerDad!, I really appreciate the support here. It is really a genuine problem for me. It is becoming tough to handle it on my own. I was upbeat about moving to where ever D matriculate 2 years back but with economy in dire straits I’ll prefer to have the safety of my current income over the next 4 years to be able to fund D’s education then moving to a new place with all more stress.</p>
<p>POIH, I’m very sorry that you’re dealing with this controversy. It must be very tough and it seems that you are between a rock and a hard place. Perhaps your wife could take a trip east and scope out the job situation? That might give her pause. In any case, good luck.</p>
<p>I agree. Take a serious relocation “trip.” Meet with Realtors and visit homes/apartments/condos etc in Mass and NYC. Find out the cost of purchase/rent/lease, utilities, transportation/groceries/living expenses. Make appointments to meet with school districts about hiring. Get the “goods” first, then decide what will work, what you can afford. For everyone’s sake, NYC sounds like a healthier separation than a mere 50 miles. But figure out what is even possible. Hard to guess as to whether it will work or not. Get there and find out what it will mean. </p>
<p>Then review the reality with the wife. Unfortunately, might make sense for you to stay in CA and work, and let the wife go if she insists; with her staying in a small efficiency apartment somewhere affordable, spending as little as she can in order to be close. If she must go, she will be willing to make the sacrifices.</p>
<p>POIH, it’s not just the income, it’s the health insurance too. My family had to deal with a child being seriously ill during undergrad years. Even decades ago, the medical bills were in the high six figures. It is unlikely that your family will be in a similar situation, but it’s important to remember that having a job with good benefits isn’t just about the salary.</p>
<p>I went to college a few miles away from where my aunt lived. We met for breakfast several times a week and I usually had Sunday dinner with her family. Maybe it’s a cultural thing (we’re Mexican American), but I loved having her emotional support as I went through college. We are still very close all these years later because of that time, and she jokes about having breakfast with my daughters if they choose the same school.</p>
We won’t be selling the home. The rental income should cover the P&I on mortgage, Property taxes and Management fees with still couple of 100s left. The management company takes 7% of the monthly rent and will take care of the maintenance as per out neighbor who moved to Irvine to be close to their daughter attending UCI last yeat.</p>
<p>It was announced last month that the Boston School District is cutting nearly 1000 jobs, including more than 400 teaching jobs. There has even been talk that some schools might have to be closed. </p>
<p>They might save some jobs if they negotiate the wage freeze, but it’s still going to be very, very, difficult, and very, very, competitive to find any kind of teaching job in Boston. There will be very few jobs in any kind of school and very many qualified and experienced people wanting them.</p>
<p>I don’t imagine it will be very different anywhere near Boston or NYC where you might want to live, although from a psychological point of view, I think NYC sounds a better idea than Boston.</p>
I used to think that with my skills I would be able to work from anywhere without any issues, but I’m not that confident now looking at the job situation everywhere. I always had the backup of going on my own as I thought with D at MIT I might be able to use the MIT students to develop some software that will help me go on my own in no time. She told me MIT have a well chalk out way to use students to develop software.
But now I’m not that confident and my stocks portfolio is way down so I don’t have that cushion too.</p>
<p>I don’t know about NYC itself, but most of the suburban school districts are cutting teachers. Some may go back into budgets if stimulus money becomes available. I went to school near an aunt and uncle. It was nice to have them nearby, but I only saw them a few times a semester. They usually took me out to dinner.</p>
<p>After reading this whole thread, what I’m missing is any real explanation of WHY the mother insists on moving to be near her daughter. The “advice” explanation doesn’t begin to explain this. I think you need to sit down with some helpful third party–a counselor, a clergyman, etc., to discuss what’s behind this. If it’s fear for the daughter’s safety, for example, that’s an issue that can be worked out with help. If it’s a feeling that D will “need” her mother’s help, that is highly unlikely unless D has a chronic health problem. If it’s just that mother and daughter have an extremely close bond and one or both can’t bear to be apart, a counselor can help you figure out if that’s really the healthiest thing for your daughter. You obviously are willing to go to great lengths to do what is best for your daughter–if you are willing to move across the country at great cost, you should also be willing to get some family counseling to make sure you are really doing what is best for her.</p>
<p>POIH, it is really, really hard to start a new company even in the best of economies if you do not have connections within the local VC circles. The folks who start their own ventures usually do not venture too far from their homes. In this economy, you will have to work very, very hard to even get VC’s attention. It is not as simple as getting a few MIT kids on board; you will have to have a very solid business plan and exit strategies for your startup.</p>
<p>From your posts, you know the relocation is probably a bad idea, and you are aware of the significant financial risk. It sounds like you need to talk wtih your wife. Have you discussed this with her? I would suggest that you and your wife sit down and discuss the financial aspects of this situation, and the realities of the job market in the Boston area. Here, as everywhere, teachers are being laid off, the school system is broke, and businesses are laying off employees, and many are failing. Does she know what the financial realities are? </p>
<p>However, it seems that the attachments factoring into this decision go beyond the ordinary “difficulty letting go.” If you have followed your daughter on her school trips and activities, even if you are on “vacations” of your own in the same place, I think that some counselling might be helpful.</p>
<p>Thanks, that is what my primary concerns are. I was looking for help in finding out all that is required to help make a decision to move or not. I would like to know what might be the stumbling issues.
Till now I gathered
Housing; maintaining two residences or renting one.
Jobs; Working for the same employer, looking for another job, one job or two jobs.
Actual location to move, Cambridge, Boston, suburbs or NYC
Health Insurance
moving cost; moving fully or partially; i.e putting some into a storage in CA and move with some to MA</p>
<p>I would add to your list: the possibility that you are making a huge mistake that will not be in your daughter’s best interests. You need help from a counselor to deal with that issue.</p>
I think it is the ultimate fear of loss. My wife lost her father when she was 10/11 year old and ever since she has been clinging to her close people. Before it used to be her mother and sister and now it is my D and I.
She has never gone to meet her mother and sister if we couldn’t go with her.</p>
<p>My mother-in-law’s mother threatened to come live with my m-i-l while she was in graduate school (and living away from home for the first time), and my m-i-l promptly went and got married. (Not my solution as to how to prevent this, but it worked for her, at least for the short while that the marriage lasted.)</p>
<p>I can’t begin to imagine how stifling it would be to have my parents move to my college town for the purpose of staying near. Do they up and do the same when D graduates from college and moves to take a job? Kind of a scary thought.</p>
<p>I suspect that some counseling might help here, and I wish the OP all the best in finding a solution that works.</p>
<p>Of course, I’m the mom who told her kid that she darn well better learn to type and use Word in middle school because I wasn’t going to college with her. (This at a time when way too many parents were actually typing their kids’ papers.)</p>