<p>I have twins who are quite successful academically, have taken honors, have taken APs, and are great college candidates. However, when I mention college, they always groan and won't talk about it. I get it, they are hearing tons at school and I kow there is the ambivalence of knowing that life as you've known it is ending and you are starting a new part of your life. I've tried to be enthusiastic, I've tried standing back, but we are down to interview and application time and they get upset if I even mention the word "college". I'm stumped. I know they each have first choices and really want to go there, yet at the same time when I try to encourage them to reach out and act on their own behalf they freak out with anxiety. I should say that they are dealing with the stress of my husband having pancreatic cancer as well, but we have to move ahead on this.</p>
<p>Is there a local college they could attend? Perhaps they would like to be closer to family at this time.</p>
<p>They have both worked hard to attend good schools. My husbands cancer is a rare form - not curable, but will likely go on for a few years. We don’t want them to limit themselves for that reason - and the main schools they are interested in are within a couple hours or so of us anyway(they also refuse to discuss his condition whatsoever). How can I encourage them to see college as a positive experience?</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Perhaps if they view it from the perspective that it is what their father (and mother) desires for them (the children). I know that I want my children to attend college because I understand that it dramatically increases their odds for a better life. I think that’s what most parents desire for their children (a better life), and I know you share this thought. </p>
<p>first, so sorry about your husband and hope things go very well for him. Second, this may be a time to enlist an outsider such as a college consultant (even for only one or two times) to get them on the road. Or even a friend or family member that can step into that role. They may be more willing to abide by deadlines set by someone else. I would also go to their Guidance counselor and see if she/he can give them some extra attention given what is going on at home. And, if necessary, get them some counseling to deal with the stress of their dad’s illness on top of the applications. </p>
<p>The other question is how far behind they really are. Are they applying to rolling admission schools or planning on ED so that it is crucial to get their apps in soon? Or are they looking at Jan 1 or Feb 1 deadlines, that still seem far away in September. It could be that in a week or two they will get on the stick and get it all done. My procrastinator got his big schools in early, but ended up at the deadline (holiday week) for some of the smaller schools. He needed the pressure of an actual deadline to get this done. And yes it drove me crazy. </p>
<p>It seems like your only other option is to get tough. Sit down with them and make them start the common app and do an essay draft or some consequence. In the end, however, it is up to them. If they don’t apply to college they will end up at community college or working for a year. Not what you (or they) want, but they have to be the ones to apply. </p>
<p>OP,</p>
<p>I’m very sorry to read of your husband’s cancer. I can imagine that adds to their stress, though they probably can’t verbalize that.</p>
<p>Applying to college is overwhelming enough as it is. My son is exactly the same way as your twins. What I’ve tried to do is break it down into more manageable steps, though I did a good job of overwhelming him last weekend, unfortunately, so I’m doing things a bit differently now. </p>
<p>Just take one step at a time. Make a little schedule where you work no more than one or two hours a week. Find a time that seems open. Have everyone sit with their computers open and guide them through the process of beginning the first application until they are understand what it requires.</p>
<p>Start by filing out the mundane stuff on the Common App. Make a copy of the essays they will have to do, in order of when they are due, and just start by showing them one essay. Don’t even talk about other essays. Oh, and if you’ve saved any essays from previous classes, programs, scholarships, etc. (I save as much of my son’s writing as possible), they might be able to use previous essays by editing them to fit the prompt.</p>
<p>Do baby steps, starting with the first choice school. If they end up only applying to 2-3 schools, that’s ok. That’s more than zero.</p>
<p>I bought a calendar just for college stuff, and my kids and I sat down and wrote down all the deadlines - official and unofficial (like when to ask for recommendations, when to fill out the Common App, when to order transcripts, etc). Then I gave the calendar to the kids and they put it up in their room. And I stood back. I did ask occasionally how things were going. But they knew that they had to meet deadlines, or pay the consequences. We did have a firm fallback of one year of community college, if they failed to get their applications in. </p>
<p>Talk to the Guidance Counselor at school. Tell them what is going on.
Find out if they work on college essays in English class.</p>
<p>Ask them how far away they want to go to college, Urban/rural, Big/small/ and use the supermatch tool over on the left and Naviance if your school has it to come up with ideas. Also include your state school and close by schools.
Send them the list and tell them to take a look and hand them the Fiske guide if there are any colleges in it.</p>
<p>Tell them that you are taking them on a visit to State school on <date>. Let them see what it is like.</date></p>
<p>'I think in your case that I would not say “come up with a college list and apply” but tell them “here are some colleges that I think would be good for you to consider”
and “could you list all of your extra curricular activities”</p>
<p>Oh, I feel your pain. I pretty much dragged my D through the application process. It’s a difficult thing to watch a kid who loves school, has done well, you know will thrive in college but is crippled by their own fear and anxiety. For D, it was like all the progress we’d made with her perfectionist issues just flew out the window. The essays were a nightmare. She was totally blocked. She got all passive aggressive and weird about deadlines… missed some really important ones. Trying to have a conversation about college always ended in tears. I know, one would hear this and think “not ready” but we’d been through this sort of thing with D before and we had enough experience to know that sometimes, D needs help pushing through her fears and each time we’ve decided to be that hand on her back, D ended up thriving and so grateful. Her applications did not match the quality of student she is but they were eventually done and done is good. She’s in college now and like we anticipated, just loving every moment of it. </p>
<p>Of course, your situation is a little trickier. I’m so sorry to hear about the cancer. We have a friend in a similar situation and while their child did go through the application process (and it wasn’t easy for her either,) she decided to stay home and go to community college 3 weeks before term was to start. No regrets though and I think it really was the best decision in her case (there were other valid reasons for her to shift gears.)</p>
<p>What helped us was to have set days for “college talk.” Otherwise, it would happen everyday and even a little thing like “oh, I printed out that resume for you” would set her off. No, high anxiety kids need days they KNOW won’t involve college chat. Applying to some schools Early Action or rolling was a big bonus. Once that first college acceptance came she started to mellow out even though it was a school quite low on her list. Personally, I stopped giving any critique. I’d seen much better writing from her but ANY sort of critique from me (even something like “I think you missed a quotation mark” would set her off.) At one point, I just said “fantastic” just so she’d get that stupid thing out. Good luck to your family on all fronts.</p>
<p>My son is behind the curve on applying, so I started the app for him. Which was a good idea, because there is a TON about where I and his father went to school, stuff he definitely would just bug us about. </p>
<p>I don’t think it is “too late” but maybe it is “too early” for them in their minds. Maybe Columbus Day break, take them out (individually would be best) and ask them what they plan to do if they aren’t going to go to college. Maybe that would help them think about it.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t worry too much if they have good grades and so on. Let them be. IMHO, the GCs are pushing “APPLY TO COLLEGE NOW” waaaaay too much, and it stresses the kids out.</p>
<p>turtletime, sounds so like my son. What he was complaining about was having his essay edited and reedited. (He’s a homeschooler and using his online writing tutor to help edit essays, though he’s on a break now) So, I gave him permission to just crank them out and maybe get one edit by me or tutor. I think I’ll take your advice (even though our perfectionists know what’s fantastic and what isn’t, but somehow, if they can just own it and be satisfied, that’s the goal).</p>
<p>There is a parent who posts on the 2015 parent’s thread who said something that really resonated with me. He tells his kids “You have to want this more than I do.” My S is much like your twins and it is so frustrating. I know it’s a maturity thing and some kids need a lot of help from parents, but I feel like it really should be him doing and caring about the process. Or at least doing most of it with me as the travel scheduler and credit card holder. I went through this with older sib and just can’t repeat.</p>
<p>It’s so strange because these kids have all been managing complicated school and activity schedules for years with all sorts of deadlines and appts and at least in our family, not too much assistance from me, except driving and paying and maybe reminders about doctor appts or things that I scheduled. They are capable, but don’t seem to want to do it.</p>
<p>I insisted that he complete 2 very simple apps to public universities that are safeties and that he would be fine attending. No essays, maybe a brief personal statement on one. That was something he managed with some pestering but without total meltdown by parent or child. He doesn’t care to investigate or visit other schools. So that’s fine. If he never completes our flagship app, well then, he won’t finish it and it won’t be an option come May 1. It’s his college life. He has been told that if he wants to take a year off or longer after HS, that is fine too. </p>
<p>Good luck. Senior year is busy and fun and it’s hard for kids to change the focus to college. Your husband’s illness may also be affecting their ability to engage in some subtle way. The consultant idea is a good one. I hope things work out well for you.</p>
<p>I told both my kids that they needed to apply EA to schools that offered it. That gave them a reasonably early deadline to get the hard parts of applying to college done - those pesky essays! My older son in particular has always had real writers block. He’s actually a perfectly decent writer, but he’s a computer nerd and the kind of personal essay that colleges want to see was something that made him hugely uncomfortable. I finally sat him down and said, I wasn’t going to nag him every day, but I needed to nag him once a week if nothing had been done. In the end we found that what worked for him was for me to be in his room when he was struggling with ideas. During one of these sessions he was looking at model essays on line and he wrote a computer program that combined sentences from them. It was pretty funny and I said, “Why don’t you start with that”. So his essay began with a paragraph of nonsense and then he started, “I’d rather write a computer program than a personal essay” or some such thing. This was after several weeks of nothing . I also think applying somewhere with an easy application is a great idea. RPI had a special application they apparently sent to NM probable finalists which required very little work. He sent that off and was accepted before Thanksgiving. That was also hugely helpful. I know other people have found hiring someone else to be the nagger helpful too.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry about your husband. Even if they won’t admit it, I’m sure it’s hugely stressful for your kids.</p>
<p>If they have first choices, relax. There is still time for the applications. They do need to have their ACT/SAT done and to ask for the letters of recommendation. But perhaps you are looking at their applications going in within 24 hours of deadline.</p>
<p>Oh, memories or nightmares of last year 
We too went through the same situation with the wishy washy behavior, no interest and the “tomorrow syndrome” until late December of last year. Had been talking about college for years, test taking, resumes; assumed the process would go smoothly. What motivated my child was an adult staff member at school, whom they have great respect for, asking two simple questions one day, “How is the college process going and Why have you not started yet?” After that, you have never seen someone work so fast in their life and they were telling me, “Mrs. SoandSo says I need to work on my application immediately”. I guess they forgot the year of encouragement, nagging, from the parents, the links to cc, the books and wanting to take them on ANY college visit…lol Maybe find out who that “person” is in their life and ask them for help,. FWIW, this child is doing fantastic at the university and maintaining all A’s at this point. Just thanked her at school last week for giving my child the extra push. </p>
<p>Can you talk to some other parents of twins? My best friends in HS were twins and the thought of separating, no matter how much they might bicker, was really unappealing to them. Though they did start college at different schools, one transferred and they completed college together. They certainly lived separate lives but bought a house together (one was married, one single) later in life. They even went into the same profession.</p>
<p>Could it be that at this point in time, with their father ill, the thought of having to go off apart from each other is just too much to handle? Maybe they’d be happier considering going to school closer together? You don’t mention other children-I know twins can feel almost like half a person alone-that’s how my HS friend describes it now that her sister has died. </p>
<p>I’m sorry about your H-maybe a gap year or living at home while he recovers is what your D’s need. Try sitting them down in a quiet moment and ask what’s really going on with their resistance to applying to college.</p>
<p>So sorry to hear about your husband. I too, am a twin girls mom. Mine are freshman. I still think that there is plenty of time to get apps in. Good luck with your girls. </p>
<p>My D’s idea of an early application was turning it in at 9PM the night before it was due because that was “midnight on the east coast”. She only heard back from 3 of the 7 schools she applied to, probably because something was missing (a transcript, recommendation, etc.) but she did get into her first choice, a top LAC. Her app schedule was very different from what a lot of parents on CC report; I think it’s because those of us with kids who aren’t on top of it don’t post those things. We didn’t visit any schools until Feb. of her senior year; it was pulling teeth to get her to show any interest until then. And this is without the added issues of a father who is very ill. In my opinion, a gap year is highly underrated. If they can’t get themselves into college on their own, then they probably shouldn’t be going and that is not the end of the world; it may be the beginning.</p>
<p>Oh, just wanted to add, I don’t think anyone can be considered a reluctant applier in September! My kids all got in their applications at the last minute and they made their decisions about where to go on the last day too. Older son hadn’t seen ANY of the schools that accepted him, except for being dragged to a Harvard reunion when he was younger. </p>
<p>OP, I’m sorry you and your family are going through this. </p>
<p>First, it is September. If they’re anything like most students, they need an approaching deadline to get in gear and that hasn’t happened yet. I think freak out time is a couple months away. </p>
<p>Second, I understand the stress of an ailing parent in high school. Both of my parents were in really poor health and I chose to go to a close school to be closer to them. I have zero regrets and still thrived. </p>
<p>Third, this might be the perfect situation for a gap year. Even if they go off to college, their dad might be weighing heavily on their minds. My sister in law lost her mom to breast cancer our sophomore year of college. She did terribly that last semester because she kept making the 6 hour commute home. She doesn’t regret spending that time with her mom, but she does regret not taking time off. Now that she’s older, she realizes college wasn’t the race she thought it was at 19/20. </p>
<p>I’d walk away for a little bit. Come back in a few weeks and see what is going on then. Be open to a gap year. </p>
<p>Best of luck, OP. </p>