Rev up the helicopeter or back away?

Parent Cafe
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<p>If you had posted this 2 months ago I would have said to stay out of it but after watching my junior college d trying to arrange all her utilities and services for a new apt this year I say get involved. I was apalled at how rude people were to her on the phone - because they knew she was young and thought they could take advantage. She had similar experiences with her school’s career placement center and HR depts where she applied for summer jobs. I’m not sure how much of it is an east coast thing and how much is due to her very young sounding voice on the phone.
Get the asthma documentation and dont wait another day. </p>

<p>My d actually had all 3 of her roommates plus the 4 friends across the hall plus her boyfriend all study abroad last fall - she lived with subletters and survived (no crazies - only Kimchee smells in her kitchen). It really helped her branch out and be independent.</p>

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<p>Doctor’s letter. Present it in person. Hover. D will have more important things to stress about and should not have to have the worries this situation would put on her.</p>

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<p>If all these things about the roommate are true I would get involved. Talk to someone and followup with a letter. Keep to the facts, state your problem and offer a solution - I was just talking to some of the other parents and we thought it would be easier in the long run to re-assign the one person now as opposed to (what ever … all the drama, counseling, criminal activities, health issues). College costs a lot of $$ and your daughters welfare and education should not be jepordized by something that can be easily fixed.
If the school is aware of all the problems this person has caused I don’t understand why they don’t put her in a single; due to her known history they are potentially putting other students at risk and opening themselves up to a lawsuit. </p>

<p>On the other hand your daughter will still have to live with someone and you don’t know if that someone else may be worse - better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.</p>

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<p>I would ask the D if she wanted my involvement. If yes, then I would play the smoker/medical condition/sue you down to your carpet tacks card.</p>

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<p>Then all three suitemates need to protest. If the college wants to put CrazySmokerGirl in Suite 105, that is apparently its right (if that is what the contract says; you might want to read the contract)–but the protesting girls should get to move to another suite. </p>

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<p>I am a lawyer (but am not currently practicing and have never researched this particular issue). I find it hard to believe that smoking with a window open in a nonsmoking location makes it legal (even if the head is outside the window). The one instance I can think of that this could possibly be legal is when the girl’s entire body and the cigarette are out on the balcony with the sliding glass door closed.</p>

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<p>Then the interested parties need to make the maximum amount of fuss. As your daughter already tried to protest and was rebuffed, the other suitemates and perhaps their parents should get involved.</p>

<p>Let us know what happens!</p>

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<p>It’s also interesting to note that ToxicSmokerGirl was placed into this suite - this tells me she has no friends - no one who wanted to room with her.</p>

<p>I agree that parents need to be involved here - strongly - firmly - going up the chain to the President of the University if need be. If you can enlist the other parents to join you - so much the better - strength in numbers.</p>

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<p>Even though I think it’s really important not to constantly fix things for our children, this situation would be very hard for me to stay out of. I would bet that if you do get involved and pull the asthma card, they will offer to find another room for your D, which may or may not be a single. Probably not a single, because those tend to have a waiting list. Your D will essentially be faced with a choice of a lesser evil. </p>

<p>On the other hand, it is the squeakiest wheel that gets the grease and depending on your stomach for it, you could demand that this toxic girl be removed. This might mean getting some kind of documentation about this girl’s behavior, or threatening to, and letting them know that you will hold them liable. Basically you have to be so difficult and demanding that they will fold. It’s too bad that things have to come to that, but I’ve seen it work before (as an observer, not a principle actor).</p>

<p>To keep things in perspective though, it wouldn’t be the end of the world if your D had to move to another living situation. She might meet a whole new group of people.</p>

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<p>If there are 7 girls in the suite and they unanimously put their names to a letter with their reasons:
1} I have asthma and cannot live with a smoker
2} I roomed with her before, she stabbed me
3} I was accused falsely by her before
etc
Would they not be motivated to assign her a single perhaps??</p>

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<p>I have an asthmatic child - I read a statistic that said 5,000 people die from asthma each year. There is no way that your daughter should be expected to live with a smoker - even if she never smoked in the room her clothes alone could trigger an attack if she is of the “chain smoking chimney” type of smoker.</p>

<p>I would become your daughter’s partner in fighting this, using a doctors letter and a letter from a lawyer if possible. This proposed arrangement is endangering her health and her education.</p>

<p>If there is a no smoking policy in the dorm, blowing smoke out the window doesn’t count as being outside - but if no one reported her before, the university will claim that they have no evidence of the behaviour you object to. For that reason I would have the doctor’s letter cover the potential of smoke laden clothes. </p>

<p>From your description, this girl has been cut a lot of slack in the past (accidental stabbing???) so this is an instance where I would bring in the medical/legal support. Your daughter could do this herself but I’m pretty sure she needs your financial support to do so and right now it sounds as though the university is counting on her youthful inexperience to make their lives easier.</p>

<p>You are paying the bills - you should not be forced to pay for a situation that may very well harm your child (even if this potential roommate were a saint, her smoking is a real threat). Make that helicopter an Apache!</p>

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<p>I know, sounds dumb when you put it that way, bchan1!</p>

<p>Housing departments will also want to do what is easiest for them. Finding space to move TWO girls is more of a hassle then finding space to move 1 girl. Let’s hope they see it that way.</p>

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<p>I’m not a huge fan of parental interference, but I love “teaching moments.”</p>

<p>This is a teaching moment, because this is where you teach your daughter about her ‘rights’ and how to find legal assistance when her ‘rights’ are being violated by somebody else, just because they say they can.</p>

<p>It is also where you “show” her about how to get a medical person involved, since she has asthma anyway, and how to advocate.</p>

<p>So, I wouldn’t “do it for her,” but I would show her how to do it, while you make the hard phone calls, she’s there with you, and you let her talk to the doc or the attorney, as well…</p>

<p>Help her to make a list, “Should you text everyone and write a letter and have everyone sign it?” You can suggest helpfully.</p>

<p>Parenting and teaching these things doesnt end at 20, I sometimes think that’s when a lot of it starts…</p>

<p>Good luck. The squeeky wheel gets the grease, unfortunately.</p>

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<p>I would most definitely contact the Housing Office, and if the girl isn’t moved I would take it up the chain to the college president. College presidents don’t like to be bothered with this kind of thing – particularly when they receive an e-mail, which means a paper trail – so they typically tell the Housing officials to make it all go away. Emphasize in your e-mail to the president that your daughter is willing to take any other roommate but this one. It makes her look cooperative, and it makes the Housing people look rigid and mean. And also emphasize the stabbing incident, perhaps asking if the university community was made aware of this crime as is required by the Clery Act, and asking what kind of safety measures the school has put in place to protect other students from this one student. That will get the president’s attention.</p>

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<p>gimmechocolate has the right idea.</p>

<p>They need to stick to health and safety issues. One would think that asthma and a stabbing would do it but, in my experience, the housing offices main directive during first contacts is to do nothing.</p>

<p>It would help for several of them to write clear, concise letters to the housing contact and cc it to the higher ups at the housing office. I would also write a letter, detailing more of this girls history in a sympathetic yet firm tone. If that does not work, then everyone sends a similar letter to all but also cc it to the appropriate Dean, VP and the President.</p>

<p>I got involved at my son’s orientation due to a safety issue. They gave my son the run around for two days. If we lived closer that would have been one thing but I was getting on a plane the next day to fly 1500+ miles home. I showed up at the housing office and told them I needed to see someone. Waited politely for awhile and then told the housing officer who met with me what needed to happen, she also gave me the run around (about a safety issue!!!) I listened politely and told her I was not leaving her office until the issue was resolved to my satifaction. It got resolved.</p>

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<p>All of your reasons concern me, but definitely the asthma issue. I also have asthma and totally understand those problems - the cigarette smoke is a very big deal.</p>

<p>However, you are also PAYING for this housing. Contract or not, they owe YOU some kind of cooperation.</p>

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<p>I agree the asthma means you need to get involved. Look at that housing contract, and don’t take what anyone says over the phone as accurate. If you just call the housing office, you usually don’t get to someone in charge on the first try. And universities hate paper trails. </p>

<p>Do keep everything factual. However, if the other girls who have have run ins with this toxic one write, too, that should help. Only refer to what is actually in the record, and use lots of specifics.</p>

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<p>I really like Poetgrls suggestion and it is what I would do as a parent in this situation.</p>

<p>There are two issues- one is not being roomed with someone who might create an illness for your daughter. It seems that absolutely has to be addressed and I’m sure with your help form the sidelines, it will happen.</p>

<p>The other issue is whether your daughter will have to be the one that will move. I think it might happen and I can’t imagine you will be able to do anything about it. But she will survive. She’s 20 years old, this isn’t the end of the world (and it might as easily turn into one of those great things that looked like a bad thing at the outset).</p>

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<p>This young woman sounds very disturbed, to the point that she may be a significant threat to the campus community, with of course the biggest threat being to those she will be spending the most time with – roommates/suitemates.
I would play the psychiatric/Virginia Tech card.
These sentences in the OP jump out at me: “requiring administrative intervention because she refused to clean up her dirty clothes, dirty dishes, and food wrappers.” </p>

<p>“Additionally, this girl … has gone to campus authorities with false accusations against acquaintances requiring the accused to take time and effort to decline counseling for non-existent addictions, alcohol abuse, and pregnancies.”
“D has witnessed this girl threaten other students with scissors. Her response to authorities was that it was all in good fun, and that IN ONE INSTANCE (emphasis mine), the resultant cut (to her freshman roommate) was only superficial and was an accident.”</p>

<p>None of these things are “normal college student behavior” – far from it.</p>

<p>SOOO, the campus authorities -and probably several “branches” of them-- the housing office perhaps for the incident in the 1st sentence, the counseling office for all the weird false accusations, and, apparently, some authorities somewhere for the apparently MULTIPLE threatening-and/or-wounding-with-scissors incidents - are aware of this person’s very disturbed behavior. Your daughter directly witnessed one of the scissors incidents – did she report it to anyone? Even if not, you and she (not just her, because it’s just too easy and too common for these people to be dismissive of student complaints/concerns) should speak with someone in the counseling office and detail that incident to them now (as well as the other “scissors incidents” she is aware of) as well as remind them also of the various run-ins they have had with this student making bizarre accusations. Your daughter, the stabbing victim and possibly the other suitemates should tell the counseling office, the housing office, the Dean of Student Affairs and possibly the President’s office that they are frightened of living with this disturbed student, they have already been significantly threatened by her and that things are likely to be even worse if they are in even closer contact with her. Make SOMEONE (the Dean of Student Affairs might be the appropriate person) review the entire paper trail that should already exist on this student and have your daughter and friends fill in any gaps – SOMEONE needs to be aware of the full picture involving this student.
The college is really putting themselves out on a legal limb here (with their bare behind flapping in the breeze) to have this disturbed student live with and near other students with whom she has already had significant confrontations. Make them aware of that fact. Get them thinking – If this student were to hurt someone, do they really want your daughter and her friends saying to the press “yeah, we knew this person was really psycho, but the adminstration just wouldn’t listen to us!”</p>

<p>I’m surprised she hasn’t been kicked out of campus housing (or suspended/expelled) already. Make SURE that the counseling office (and the Dean of Students and President) have as much documentation and statements concerning her past transgressions as possible. One would hope that the Counseling office would already be monitoring her, but if they’re not, they need to start. In the wake of various campus incidents in the past few years, many schools are quite wary about keeping mentally ill students on campus.</p>

<p>In such a serious matter, it is totally appropriate for a parent to be involved – you have much more experience than a 20 year-old in dealing with authorities and bureaucrats of various flavors. You’ve likely been the recipient of the infamous "Bureaucratic ‘NO’ " many times, whereas your daughter may have only received that lovely item once so far (her phone call last week, or whenever it was). They will not find it nearly as easy to “blow you off” as they would your daughter and her friends. If at all possible, get the stabbing victim’s parent(s) and possibly other parents and students involved as well.</p>

<p>The smoking/asthma angle is a good one to emphasize as well.</p>

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<p>One other thought – the RA (or RAs) who had knowledge of all the prior problems (including the smoking, as well as the psycho stuff) should be enlisted to provide details to the administration. The housing office should give the name(s) of the RA to the Dean of Students so that the Dean can get a full picture of the situation.</p>

<p>Something else to consider - perhaps a call to the school’s Legal Office to apprise them of the situation, both the psychiatric and smoking issues…</p>

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<p>This is definitely not helicoptering. You should get involved.</p>

<p>Adults who deal with students alot often become skeptical of student complaints. “Yeah, right, asthma. I’ve heard that excuse at least a thousand times.” When a parent gets involved, then they realize it’s for real.</p>

<p>The asthma angle should work; smoke-filled clothing is almost as bad as the smoke itself, so it’s irrelevant if she smokes outside.</p>

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<p>I really skimmed through tis quickly, but isn’t anyone the least bit miffed at the “very good friend/roommate” who has decided to spend a year abroad? She had to have known that fact for a long time and has really mucked things up. Maybe that’s a different topic.</p>

<p>It seems odd to me that a person of the character who has appeared as the new roommate is even allowed to stay in the dorms.</p>