Rev up the helicopeter or back away?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>D is a rising junior who has been excited all summer about living in a 4 person suite with some really good friends this fall. It is two doubles with a shared bath and common area/living room. Her suite is across the hall from the suite of 4 other good friends.</p>

<p>Her roommate decided to take an entire year abroad, leaving a space in her room, and D found out this week (two weeks before the semester starts) that the housing office has filled the empty bed with a very disturbed and toxic individual. This girl roomed with one of D’s suitemates as a freshman, requiring administrative intervention because she refused to clean up her dirty clothes, dirty dishes, and food wrappers. This girl does not get along with the girls across the hall for similar reasons. </p>

<p>Additionally, this girl thrives on drama and has gone to campus authorities with false accusations against acquaintances requiring the accused to take time and effort to decline counseling for non-existent addictions, alcohol abuse, and pregnancies. She seems disturbed, and D has witnessed this girl threaten other students with scissors. Her response to authorities was that it was all in good fun, and that in one instance, the resultant cut (to her freshman roommate) was only superficial and was an accident.</p>

<p>One more strike against this girl is that she is a heavy smoker, and D has allergy-induced asthma with smoke (and dust and mold) as triggers. This girl smoked in her rooms (out the window), so she was legally doing it outside, both freshman and sophomore years. This past behavior, coupled with a history of leaving presumably smoky, unwashed clothing all over the room, has me worried that D will wind up with medical problems. The last time D had long term exposure to her asthma triggers, she wound up in the hospital with pneumonia in the middle of the summer. Because D will be over 900 miles away at school, if she gets seriously ill, we really can’t help her unless she takes a medical withdrawal from school.</p>

<p>D called the housing office to see if she could have this girl removed as a roommate and asked that anyone else at all put in the room. The housing office responded by saying that D signed a contract which says that the university can put anyone in any room and the policy is to remove the protesting party (D in this case) from the room. So, if D objects to this girl, D would be moved away from her friends. Also, the dorms are very full for upper classmen, and she might not have any space on campus. </p>

<p>So, do I helicopter and call the housing office? Or, do I sit on my hands, bite my tongue, and let my 20-year-old D deal with it for the year?</p>

2

<p>I would helicopter - PRONTO!</p>

<p>The asthma issue overrides all else – If your paying for housing and your kid needs a smoke free environment it is imperative to get involved.</p>

<p>Without the asthma issue, I’d advise to back off, but I’ve experienced too much with a family member that has asthma to let this go.</p>

<p>I would focus ONLY on the asthma/smoker issue when discussing with the housing office.</p>

3

<p>Ask your daughter if she wants you to get involved.</p>

4

<p>ditto longhaul…</p>

5

<p>ditto Qwerty…</p>

6

<p>Pairing a smoker with someone who has asthma is so clearly wrong that it’s hard to imagine a university doing it. If your daughter can’t work things out with housing, in this case I don’t see any reason not to “helicopter.” Is there anyone else your daughter knows who might fill the space? Also, what about enlisting the student who is taking the year abroad to find a replacement for herself? </p>

<p>I shared a 4-person apartment junior and senior years. During senior year, one of the group took a semester-long internship, and also took responsibility to find a sub-letter for the semester. I realize it’s a little late for that. On the other hand, if your daughter had known that her prospective roommate was taking a year abroad before the housing arrangements were set, presumably they would have configured the suites differently. So I feel that the roommate going abroad does have some responsibility here.</p>

<p>Is there anyone among the remaining 6 in the 2 suites who would be willing to room with the newly assigned student? If so, maybe there could be an internal rearrangement, which would at least put your daughter in a different suite.</p>

<p>My condolences!</p>

7

<p>Also, I think when someone is inside a room, smoking “out the window” does not actually count as smoking outside. It wouldn’t at my university, anyway.</p>

8

<p>I can’t believe your university would do that either. My university not only goes to great lengths to avoid putting smokers with non-smokers, they put those with allergies and asthma TOGETHER so that there is no chance your roommate will take up smoking midyear and make you sick. Either you or your daughter needs to jump on this. Does she want your help?</p>

9

<p>Rev it up. Your D make the first attempt and failed. Now you have to look out for her health. When she is an adult on her own, she will have more choices available to her, but as the person paying the bill, you hold the cards. I don’t find this to be a helicoptering issue at all. There are some circumstances in which parental intervention is appropriate as a last resort. This is that.</p>

10

<p>My D is bewildered by the response of the housing staff. Personally, I think that they are trying to deal with all sorts of last minute changes with a minimum amount of fuss.</p>

<p>The roommate who decided to study abroad knew that she was going second semester, but did not know about first semester until about a month ago. Everyone that the 7 remaining girls know well enough to room with is settled in a situation by now.</p>

<p>D is going between anger, outrage, and resignation on having an awful year. She tried going through channels and is at a loss as to what step to take next. She tells me that she can take care of it, but isn’t really sure what might work to resolve the problem. Something tells me that a call from an upset parent might be that next step, just because housing departments can’t intimidate parents as easily as they can intimidate students.</p>

<p>The texts have been flying fast and furious between the 7 girls, and nobody wants to be in the same room with this new roommate. One of the girls is the one who was stabbed, three of the girls had to fend of “well-meaning” counseling for non-existent problems, and the other two don’t want to deal with her either.</p>

<p>Please keep advice and coming with any suggestions as to approaches that either my D or I can take.</p>

11

<p>What Qwerty said. Ask D if she’s willing to have you try to do everything you can to get this person out too. Work out a plan together.</p>

<p>The most interesting thing you’ve said in this is that this individual has already lived with one of D’s suite-mates. What do they think? If they had to have housing take action against this person for being a disgusting roommate, why were Ms. Toxic and ex-victim put together? Has Mom-of-ex-victim called? What about the third person?</p>

12

<p>if you have your D’s support on this I would get a letter from her physician stating her medical condition and I would contact an attorney and have him/her write AND call the head of housing and make it very clear that your’re daughter’s health is endangered. I would request a single for my D or that the smoker be reassigned. I would set that in motion now. I wouldn’t stand for this crap from any university.</p>

13

<p>limulus, you may be right on the merits of the girl’s craziness (I have some experience in a similar area – my D’s high school years were blighted by what I call a psycho stalker), but your best argument is the asthma. Saddle that horse and ride it till you get to your destination. Enlist your D’s doctor and the school’s disability services, if need be. Also get in tough with the Dean of Students if you don’t get what you want. But don’t make this about personalities. It’s much too easy for the school to say “it’s a she said/she said thing” or “they have to learn to get along.” I’ve been there, we had police intervention and that is still what we were told until that lovely girl in MA committed suicide. Anyway, that’s my advice. Work the medical angle, leave out the crazy.</p>

14

<p>DOCTOR’S LETTER. That should take care of the situation. It is a medical condition and should be dealt with in that manner; making it objective not subjective with no wiggle room from the school. A college is not going to chance a medical emergency and law suit when they are given full knowledge of potential implications based on their placement of this other student. Oh, and go straight to the Head of Housing (Dean, VP, whatever they call it), event the President of the University/College whatever. It is not your problem that they’re busy this time of year, this should never have happened assuming that your daughters medical record says she has allergy-induced asthma.</p>

<p>If you have a friend who is a lawyer you can also ask them to send a letter stating the possible implications.</p>

<p>This should all be done in writing (email might be acceptable to begin with but you should definitely follow up with a snail mail letter).</p>

15

<p>Last year my S was in a suite (four single rooms) with two other guys. At his university, which also reserves the right to fill the extra space, being a smoker is an automatic disqualifier if any of the other roommates say they not want to room with a smoker. You don’t have to have health issues to say no to a smoking roommate. The housing office called them with three potential roommates. Each was a smoker, and they said no to each one. (It’s not clear why the housing office kept trying!) Eventually the university just locked the fourth room and let it go.</p>

<p>For smoking alone, this person should be moved to other housing. But this is not only about smoking, and absolutely you and your D should protest, as should the other roommates. Your first post sounded bad enough, but your post #10 is even worse. And yes, you should rev it up, in collaboration with your D.</p>

16

<p>AMTC is correct. Definitely write a letter immediately. I’d probably start with whomever is the immediate decision maker and perhaps “copy” a friend who is a lawyer. I would follow-up the next day by telephone with that person. The only downside, is that they may move your D to a room that accomodates her and leave the smoker where she is.</p>

17

<p>

</p>

<p>Seriously! Of course, the downside, as LaurenTheMom points out, is that your D may be the one to move.</p>

18

<p>“This girl smoked in her rooms (out the window), so she was legally doing it outside, both freshman and sophomore years. T”</p>

<p>This doesn’t sound like it would be acceptable according to housing rules or even legally.</p>

19

<p>First, I would let the girls handle it. It’s one of those great learning/problem solving moments, there are several voices and they are old enough.</p>

<p>Second, I don’t think you’ll win on the asthma. They’ll tell you the dorm is smoke free and if the girl smokes, to report it. I think they’re much more likely to win on the stabbing incident.</p>

20

<p>So have the suitemate’s M get the past history of physical confrontation complaint going and you get the asthma complaint going. Will any housing department be able to withstand the power of TWO moms?!</p>