<p>Hey everyone. I am a freshman at Villanova and I have a question regarding a situation with my roomate. I am in a double and my roomate and I are considerably close - in other words, we have many of the same friends and will occasionally hang out, but if It had to pick out my 5 closest friends, he wouldnt be on the list (probably 9 or 10).</p>
<p>anyway, the other night, after working on a paper in the library until midnight (and not being in my room since 8:30 AM) i came back to my room and fell asleep. at 3:45 AM, he walked in with a strange girl, turned on a loud movie, and started making out with her on his bed (which is above me, being we have bunk beds). the girl then began to look at me and laugh at me while i was sleeping. needless to say, i decided to walk out and leave...i then had no where to stay for the remainder of the night.</p>
<p>the thing is, this has happened many times before! i get really REALLY upset but then seem to cool down about it. I DID approach my RA about it but he did little to help the situation (in fact, he didn't even speak to my roomate). </p>
<p>my question is, what is the best way to approach the situation? we are friends and I don't want to blow up at him - I have always been a cool and collected kind of guy. </p>
<p>ps - listen up c/o 2009; this is the stuff most of you will encounter at school</p>
<p>Wow thats kind of creepy. I hate when people look at me while I am sleeping.
I think you should wait until he is sleeping and then have two gay people having sex right next to him. And also laugh at him. Hopefully, you will leave the room because that kind of thing can traumatize someone.</p>
<p>Definitely plan on finding a new roommate next term!</p>
<p>RAs can be supportive or complete a**holes. Unfortunately, it sounds like you have the latter. Seriously though, start checking around for a new roommate.</p>
<p>I know that I could never sit down and "express my feelings" with any of my friends. I think that if you are unable to do that either, Faxanadue idea is truely not that bad. I think it would work.</p>
<p>At my college, we're lucky and have a seperate common room. But I've had a similar experience, to a greater degree. When I woke up, they had progressed far beyond making out.</p>
<p>The next morning my other roommate and I (triple) told the guy never to do it again. He apologized, and since then hasn't. Either in the common room (not an option) or the girl's room. Tell your roommate that you object to what he's doing - and hopefully he will listen and go somewhere else. As of now, it sounds like he doesn't know how big of a problem you have.</p>
<p>Is there anyone above your RA that you could talk to? A head RA or a dean of housing, or someone else in the Res Life office?
Try to set up a meeting with your roommate and someone with more authority to mediate. Explain that you have some needs that aren't being met-- you don't have to say exactly what bothered you, just say that you have trouble sleeping when he has visitors or music.
If you haven't already, write up a brief contract of room boundaries together and sign it. It it happens again, whip that sucker out and make him feel guilty.</p>
<p>I don't understand why you can't simply tell your roommate that your dorm room is not a Motel 6. There are ground rules that you both need to agree to, since you both pay for and must live in the room:</p>
<ul>
<li>no loud music after a certain hour of the night.</li>
<li>no sexual activity, including make-out sessions.</li>
<li>any other ground rules you two need to mutually agree on.</li>
</ul>
<p>He'll never know that what he's doing is objectionable if you don't say something. It's really not that complicated.</p>
<p>Before going to someone higher up with your problem, talk to your roomie, it's only fair that he knows what he's doing wrong before he gets yelled at about it.</p>
<p>It's unreasonable to ask him not to bring girls over anymore, but you can tell him to bring them at a reasonable hour when you're not in the room.</p>
<p>Your biggest problem is that you didn't say anything the first time it happened, so your roomate assumed you were ok with it. That doesn't mean that its ok and you have to put up with it, it means that you lost the easiest opportunity to fix the problem. </p>
<p>The next and most basic problem is one of assertiveness. College is a time for learning, and not all the learning happens in the classroom. It seems like you have difficulty being assertive and standing up for your rights, instead just hoping problems will go away. Viewed in this light, the roomie has done you a favor pointing out something you need to work on, and its better to find this out at 18 than at 28 or 38 when a coworker/boss/spouse is walking all over you.</p>
<p>The solution is right there at Villanova (but not the RA anymore). To be honest I think the RA may have tried to do the right thing and you weren't ready to hear it. You treated it like it was his problem to fix; go tell the RA of the problem, let him fix it. The RA sounds like he got the right training and did the right thing; he probably tried to give you advice on what to say but let it stay as your problem, not his. You are surprised at this, writing "he did little to help the situation (in fact, he didn't even speak to my roomate)". You are operating out of a model where other people are obligated to solve your problems, but as you're discovering this doesn't hold in adult life.</p>
<p>There is someplace else for you to turn. The Villanova counseling center says on their web page "Freshmen who live away from home typically have to learn to relate to and negotiate conflicts with new roommates.". Sound familiar? The point is you're not the first one to be in this situation, and there is help at hand. Make an appointment with them and they can help you figure out what to say and do with your roomate so that you're not confrontational or dictatorial, but at the same time stand up for your rights. They may help you role-play the conversation, etc. See <a href="http://www.studentlife.villanova.edu/counselingcenter/generalinfo/index.html#individualcounseling%5B/url%5D">http://www.studentlife.villanova.edu/counselingcenter/generalinfo/index.html#individualcounseling</a> I think you'll be surprised at the end when you talk about this in the right way with the roomate that you'll not only solve the problem but learn new things about friendships and assertiveness. Viewed from an outside perspective I think this is a great experience for you, hard as that may be to see or believe while you're in it.</p>
<p>You gotta set some ground rules...but no sexual activity? Where are you supposed to do it? If you set it that strict, its just gonna get broken</p>
<p>Maybe you could try a signal on the door and have an attatched time limit if you knock...If you're out and the roommate brings a girl back and puts the sign on the door or whatever, knock on the door but then go hang out in the commons for 15 minutes or half an hour or something. You know you wouldnt want an immediate interruption if you were the one in the room.</p>
<p>If you really just need to get something from the room...just do like they do in the movie Sideways ;)</p>
<p>^ then don't let yourself be - i'm always amazed at people who complain about being "sexiled" from their room.... it's as much their room as it is the roommate's. If it is something that both roommates can agree on, then fine, but otherwise, don't let yourself be pushed around.</p>