So my roommate lives an hour away from campus. Her high school boyfriend still lives in that town and they are constantly talking to each other on the phone (which as annoying as it is, I have accepted). The first few weeks of school he came over Thursday-Sunday, and slept over, for a month and a half straight. I had to finally be like “hey can we have guests once a month?” because I was getting kicked out of the room for at least three days at a time which was ruining my ability to study since there is not a library or study space on the campus where our dorms are. Since then she has been going home every weekend or only having him over when I go visit friends at different colleges or go home which I appreciate. The only issue is that this week is finals week and she decided that she needs to have him over from Thursday-Sunday… I am not sure what to do because I am too nice to say no she can’t have him over because she really has not had him over that often but also I need the dorm to study in. I can’t be kicked out of my room for three days straight not being able to study or do anything I need to to prepare for finals like sleep or study. Also, I have never had a guest over the past three months we have been in roommates. We also don’t know each other because she is always talking to her boyfriend from the time she wakes up to the time she goes to sleep so I never really got to talk to her or get to know her. I was hoping this weekend to maybe try to get to know her. When we have a free moment at night we could like pick a movie and bond over that but as I have mentioned she is having her boyfriend over so I won’t be able to be in the room at all for the next three days.
Being kicked out of your room for 3 days is not cool. Especially during finals. If you don’t want to say no outright, could you tolerate a compromise? Say one night is fine, but not 3? If you need help with these negotiations, confide in your RA or someone from the Residential Life office. They are trained to assist w/ roommate issues!
Being kicked out of the room just because her boyfriend is there sounds unfair and dumb. That’s a bad situation, I don’t really have advice, but good luck.
I think you just need to say no – that he is not welcome to come Thurs-Sunday next semester. Let her know that you have tried to let her have things her way but it has proven to be an unworkable, untenable, and completely unfair situation. It is your room, you are paying half of the cost, and you have every right to be there as much as she does. Her BF, who is not contributing to the room, has no right to be there. If they want to be alone together they can get a hotel room near campus or she can go home for the weekend. I would bring your RA in for this discussion if need be and get ResLife involved if necessary.
Talk to the RA - and frankly I probably wouldn’t bother with “getting to know her” at this point. I think she has given you a good idea about who she is already.
Some times you just have to say no, I have finals, I have to study.
I really don’t think you should ever feel like you have to leave for the weekend. If she needs to have overnight company, she needs to have a single room. she’s in a double and you are entitled to be there all the time. It’s great that you can go home sometimes or visit others, but you don’t have to.
RAs aren’t just there to report problems to - you can also talk to your RA for strategies to manage your roommate relationship. So you can talk to your RA and ask them - “Hey, I want to negotiate with my roommate on my own some compromise about how often she can have overnight guests, and I was wondering if you could share some tips or strategies with me.”
For the record, though, you’re not being mean or unreasonable for not wanting her to have her boyfriend over during finals week. In fact, many colleges actually have rules against having overnight guests during finals week specifically for this purpose. You are BOTH supposed to be studying and preparing for finals; she can do whatever she wants - that’s her business - but bringing her boyfriend is disrupting your studying. So I’d pull her aside and say “Hey Jane, I understand that it can be hard to get together with your boyfriend - I really do - but I really need the room to be quiet and distraction-free for the weekend of finals week so I can study. Could you arrange for him to come a different weekend that’s not this one?”
But the other thing is why are you getting kicked out every time he’s over there for three days straight? Why are you saying that you can’t be in the room at all? Is she asking you to leave or are you choosing to leave? Or is she expecting you to leave the room? Another thing you can do is tell her that he’s welcome to come (on a different weekend) but since you have nowhere else to go, you’ll be staying in the room. Just because he’s come to visit doesn’t mean she gets to monopolize the room or that you have to find somewhere else to stay. If they want to find a private place to be where you are not…they can rent a hotel room.
Really…that’s part of being in college and having a roommate. You can’t have your boyfriend over all the time. She’s got to learn that.
Tell her no, you have finals and have to study and be in your room. You will go to the RA if necessary.
In any case, don’t leave your room.
She sounds like she has no need to get to know you better because she has her boyfriend as emotional support/social support. People will get away with what they can because other people let them. Do not let her/them drive you out of what you are paying 1/2 for (especially since you have had ZERO guests of your own).
Yeah, I’d drop the getting up know her from any discussion you have. I’d say, “Sorry, but it is finals week. I know you’ve been great about adjusting this since we talked, but I really need to ask if you can limit this visit due to finals”.