If the roommate is deeply religious and in a religion that doesn’t negotiate this kind of issue, OP has two choices:
Respect this
Or disrespect.
If it’s no one’s business what you choose to do, then, as the expression goes, “Don’t bring it home.” Don’t put it in their faces. Don’t tell her to respect your wishes because you don’t respect hers.
I’m as liberal as can be. Seems many of us here had plenty of fun in college.
But should a conservative roomie really be expected to share her schedule, adhere to that, never come back to her room unexpected…or look for a sock on the door…all so OP can “explore herself” in a shared room? And like it??
If the point of living in the dorm is your sexual freedom, get a different roommate.
For sex in the room, the roommate has to be complicent (agreeing to it, agreeing to heed some schedule.) This one sounds like Not.
Add me to the side that says she should not have the right to tell you what to do in the room when she’s not there. You are paying for the room just as she is, so it goes both ways. A fair compromise to me is that if it doesn’t affect her - i.e. she doesn’t need to see it or be around it - then she shouldn’t have say.
I practice Orthodox Judaism but I always went in with the expectation that my roommate would be living a regular secular college lifestyle. So even though it would be great to tell her that we can’t mix milk and meat in the microwave, I just got my own extra microwave. Or even though I technically shouldn’t be watching TV or listening to music on Shabbat, I could and would NEVER tell her that she has to follow that, too.
I feel bad for OP. She’s not asking to turn the room into a sex dungeon, and having a roommate who is a little flexible and will compromise with you on a very common expectation is not unreasonable.
OP and roommate are incompatible. Simple as that. No one is in the wrong, but they simply aren’t a fit. I bet that roommate can find someone who shares her beliefs and attitudes, and OP can find someone who has more in common with her.
Almost seems that this should’ve been something that was figured out before rooms were assigned, sort of like substance free dorms. “Sex Free” dorms?
I think the problem with asking those kinds of questions on roommate questionnaires is that it is not uncommon for an 18 year old to modify their practices once they are exposed to different thoughts than what they’ve received from parents and in their hometown. Doesn’t happen all the time but it isn’t rare.
OP: I think you need to seek a change. If religion is the issue, is she aware of your orientation? You said your orientations were different, which I take to mean you are Bi?
I think this rm will make you very uncomfortable…what else? R rated movies? Rap with curse words, you cursing? The “not even when I’m not there” part worries me. You are respecting her personal feelings, but they are inconsistent with the lifestyle you want. Find a better fit. Surely someone else has this same issue.
However, if one’s religious beliefs are such that any sexual activity in one’s living space could be considered spiritually polluting as is the case with some sub-sects of religions(i.e. Buddhism, fundamentalist Christianity, etc), then someone else…especially a roommate having sex in one’s living space would be considered the roommate’s business.
It’s be no different from their perspective than a roommate who decides to bring home something with a strong lingering pungent odor into the shared room, light up a cigarette/cigar/joint in the room*, etc. Even when it was done when the roommate wasn’t present, the roommate will be affected negatively and unlikely to be happy about it.
Especially if the roommate concerned has severe allergies which could result in bad allergic reactions....especially considering the confined spaces of many shared dormrooms.
My daughter had almost this exact scenario, and it worked out fine. Her roommate didn’t even want boys IN the room, and daughter went along with it (roommate was the first to break the rule). Roommate’s mother thought my daughter was a fallen woman because D read, and owned copies of, the Harry Potter books. Roommate and family were very religious, but she could have been assigned a roommate who was a lot more wild than my daughter.
We also don’t know what school OP is attending or what the rules are for the dorms. At some schools, the roommate would be justified in her strict stance and the RA and the school would not support a roommate change. At other schools, there would be an immediate switch.
Both my D and I were turned off at Smith by the talk of sex on the housing tour. It was a big part of the tour. There were signs about sex in the bathrooms, and the tour guide said that guests, male or female, basically move into the room and the roommate just has to put up with it. Some people thought it was cool, my daughter and I didn’t.
I think it is less like a RM who brings an item with pungent odors in the room as it is like a RM who eats things that cause him to smell of that funky odor. Very hard to raise an objection to as he should get to eat funky food if he wants. It’s a basic human freedom.
There are reasonable limits to the expectation that someone respect your beliefs.
@cobrat If someone is a member of a religion that stains them with the sins of another simply because they were randomly assigned to the same room as the sinner and in no way were complicit in the sin itself, they should request a single room. Same is true with severe allergies. Though there won’t be lingering effects of sex in the room.
Some of the more extreme observers of the fundamentalist Christian sect some extended family members attended have similar notions.
Ironically it was more often the younger ones who felt anyone who even went so far as to hand out candy to trick or treaters were “in league with the devil”. Funny part was the older relatives and most of their kids felt this went too far and ignored this…and received a fair amount of grief from it from the more extreme members of the congregation who tended to be Gen Xers or younger.
Not all colleges allow for singles for first-year students and request for room changes to singles aren’t always honored due to availability (usually because there aren’t enough and upperclassmen…especially seniors get first priority).
@cobrat Find a college that allows for single rooms for freshman. There are plenty that do. We see so often the notion of “fit” for colleges. If you follow a religion that means every sin committed in your room by your roommate is a sin committed by you, you should find a college that allows for single rooms, has a large number of kids with the same religious views or has a very detailed roommate assignment process which includes religious views.
Are these attributed sins limited to sex? What if I swear while my roommate is out of the room or watch an adult movie (or even an R-rated movie if my roommate is a Mormon)?
@lookingforward From studies I have seen, at least 60% of college students are engaged in that exploration.
Ah. I’m with you OP, that the roommate can’t dictate what happens while she is out of the room. I’d chat with your RA when you get there. I wouldn’t expect her to leave for you, or allow him to stay when she is there. And I think it would be out if line to pressure her to do so. But dictating what happens if she is off campus or out for a known period of time is a different story.
Regarding walking in – happened to me in college once when roommate came back unexpectedly. :"> Hard to avoid if they have a key and there is no chain on the door, and roommate won’t agree to a prearranged signal (the old sock on the doorknob or something). Pretty sure “Sex Dungeon” on the bulletin board on the door wouldn’t be appreciated, either. But maybe the RA can help you work out a compromise.
Birth control must be covered for free by all insurance companies. Am I fostering the exploration of everyone in the group plan in which I am a member? As a taxpayer, am I fostering the exploration of everyone on government insurance? The idea that a roommate in this situation is fostering their roommate’s exploration is silly. And its the reason someone called it puritanical. In this case I think that label fits.
But using your definition of fostering, and looking at the number of kids in shared rooms, my guess is there are a lot of college kids fostering their roommate’s exploration.
“However, if one’s religious beliefs are such that any sexual activity in one’s living space could be considered spiritually polluting as is the case with some sub-sects of religions(i.e. Buddhism, fundamentalist Christianity, etc), then someone else…especially a roommate having sex in one’s living space would be considered the roommate’s business.”
That might be valid, @cobrat, but I still don’t think the OP should have to bend over to accommodate. Special arrangements should be made between the religious roommate and the housing office to accommodate her religious needs if she feels so strongly about it. I’m sure there are solutions that don’t involve stepping on the freedoms of the OP.
“We also don’t know what school OP is attending or what the rules are for the dorms. At some schools, the roommate would be justified in her strict stance and the RA and the school would not support a roommate change.”
The OP seems like a straight shooter to me. I assume if there were rules about it in the dorm, this thread either would not exist or it would have been framed in that way. Again, any advice should be based on details as provided.
“How many are engaged in fostering their roommate’s exploration?”
A person engaging in an activity when their roommate is no where near the room isn’t being “fostered” in any fashion by that roommate. I honestly think Res Life would not be nonplussed by the discussion. It’s college students. It’s normal college stuff. Small potatoes.
How come the first page answers were all about finding somewhere else to go, and now it’s OP’s inalienable right to have sex specifically in the room? There is no reason she can’t go elsewhere.
That is 10000% on them to deal with. They need to find a school that allows them to get a single, or to be matched up with someone else who shares that belief. If you’re coming to a secular school with a religious restriction, the onus is on you to find a way to work around it without asking your roommate do anything. I can’t have pork “spiritually polluting” my kitchen but when I lived with non-Jewish roommates, I NEVER told them what they could and could not bring into the kitchen. I personally double-wrapped up all my stuff and didn’t use the oven. I was theoretically paying for an oven I should be able to use all the time, but the restriction was my problem, and it wasn’t my place to ask my roommate to inconvenience herself for my religious choices. If I was so observant that I couldn’t even eat in the same kitchen where pork was being cooked or stored, then I would’ve gotten a single, or lived with another kosher roommate.
Again, I feel bad for OP. She’s not asking for anything unreasonable. Most students in college are sexually active and bringing that back to the dorm is a common occurrence. Roommates have the right to ban boys from sleeping over when they’re there, absolutely, and they shouldn’t be obligated to leave to give them space. But to be so inflexible that you won’t “let” it happen when you’re not even planning to be there, that’s too far for me, and I don’t think it’s fair.
Because it’s her room that she’s paying for. And she’s not asking to do anything illegal or unhealthy or toxic, if the roommate isn’t there then she should be able to use it as she sees fit, as long as it isn’t affecting the roommate. And there really isn’t anywhere else to go other than a hotel, and that just doesn’t seem right to me. In my college town it was a huge shlep to get to a hotel, it’s far from campus, it’s expensive, and there’s no reason to have to do it when there’s a perfectly good empty room that I’m paying for just sitting there.
Because the roommate shouldn’t have to leave specifically for the OP to have sex. But if the roommate is out anyway, I don’t see how the roommate has authority to say not to do something that is not illegal. The roommate can pick her nose or dance naked when she is alone in the room, too.
Apparently it affects the roommate very strongly: “she was so troubled by the questions dealing with sexual relationships in the dorm that we had to skip it.”
