<p>It could be that you are over-reacting to some part of her behaviour, but if this was my DD I would appreciate the call. Maybe her parents can take control and have her do a WD from school with the option to come back later when she gets together.</p>
<p>Right now she is basically ‘messed up’ and she needs help. It is difficult enough to transition to college from HS without any problems, so much more difficult to dig out of the hole she has made for herself especially when she is not seeing things clearly.</p>
<p>I have a kid who is very prone to getting sick, and recovers slowly, that does not mean it is not a problem. Missing a week in some classes is virtually a guaranteed F (labs etc)</p>
<p>Call her mom; keep it mellow, suggest a surprise visit might help clarify things. Just tell her mom you are simply worried.</p>
<p>My first thought as well is could she be pregnant? During the early months you can be sick as heck and tired as all get out.</p>
<p>Next thought was maybe the flu. Contrary to another poster the flu can last longer than 7 days. My son had it once for 2 weeks and yes it was confirmed flu and he was down the whole time. He did not end up dehydrated because we really pushed the fluids.</p>
<p>Rebel, ironically that was my first thought, too. Supposedly “sick” in the morning, broke up with the boyfriend, depressed, sleeping all the time all “rang” pregnant to me. Who knows. The advice is all good, elevate the situation to the RA’s manager. Start turning lights on and “living” a normal life (Twisted). If nothing changes this girl will be put on probation at the end of the semester and then the parents will be involved whether or not this girl wants them involved and perhaps Twisted can switch roommates at semester’s end if this one can’t get her life turned around.</p>
<p>My mom suggested she could be pregnant right away. She DID go to student health and claims to have gone to her family doctor, so I would hope if that were a concern they’d have addressed it. I know she’s on the pill and claims she hasn’t slept with anybody, but by the sounds of it when she’s gone home to drink with friends at the other college they’ve been getting her pretty hammered. I really hope that’s not it. But that is even more speculatory than everything else, I think, and I am hesitant to let my imagination run too far. </p>
<p>She got out of bed and watched a movie with me today and we had some stuff to eat, which would be indicative to me that if it is the flu she might be getting better, so in the next couple of days I will resume normalcy for me and look into who I could contact and if she’s not showing improvement by the time I figure it out I’ll talk to someone. I’m not sure how I could get a hold of her parents, I know I could send her brother a message on facebook but he’s our age and I feel like it’d be wrong not to go directly to her parents. So we’ll see what I come up with and how the next couple of days go. I think it is possible she really is sick, but I think she’s definitely depressed, too-- and maybe that’s why she’s sick. So you guys are right that something probably needs to happen here. I’ll find out what my options are and do something.</p>
<p>Twisted,
As others have said, you’ve handled this so maturely. Try to put as much balance as you can, to prevent yourself from getting emotionally drained from the situation. Its great that you guys were able to do something fun. You are indeed a wonderful roommate, you should be proud of yourself…!!</p>
<p>Twisted-- just read this thread since I saw it was you and you are one of my all time favorite posters. Your roommate is lucky to have you there. </p>
<p>The best thing you can do is to be a good example. So, don’t buy into it. Open the shades, turn on the lights, invite in your friends and talk and study and just go about your business. Believe it or not, that might be enough to get her moving, to some extent.</p>
<p>I def agree with everyone that you need an RA or whoever is above her to help out with the depression issue, since you really can’t do anything about that. I hope you are taking care of yourself in all of this, as well, and making sure to do all the things you need to do for you. It’s important cuz you can get sucked into this kind of stuff like a black hole. Even professionals get burnt out on it.</p>
<p>Twisted, I’m really sorry you are having to deal with this. </p>
<p>There is someone who taught the RA how to be an RA, someone whose full time job is managing RA’s; this person is a professional and knows a lot about mental illness and about the mental health resources at your school. If you were my daughter, I would tell you to let that person know that you think your roommate is very depressed. She may be pregnant (morning sickness), she may be going through a phase that she will snap out of soon on her own… or she may be suicidal; I think it would be good to have a professional considering this possibility. </p>
<p>(I’m not particularly optimistic that you calling her mother would help.)</p>
<p>Wow, you’ve really had a lot to deal with and you’ve done a really good job of keeping everything in perspective and being a good responsible roommate.</p>
<p>If you decide to contact her mother (and as a mom, I would want to know), maybe you could check her cell phone under “Mom”? Worth a shot!</p>
<p>Twisted, you certainly have had your share of issues to deal with this first term at UM. I agree with the other posters that you are handling this in a very sensitive way. I would offer support for the proposition that you should resume normal activities in your room. If the rm is really sick, a week and a half of tip-toeing around her is kind and generous. If the illness is so severe that it requires a longer recovery period, she and her family should figure out a plan B, you have a right to be in your room and to have the lights on! </p>
<p>I think your plan to see how the next few days go, makes sense. I know it it difficult to contemplate calling the parents, but if she really is depressed, you may be doing her a great favor. Friends of mine had to go up to school and intervene in their child’s world when he was acting similarly to your roommate. They were lucky to have noticed something amiss in his phone calls, as his several roommates never called to tell them that he was not going to class, was drinking too much and not functioning. They would have considered it a favor. Maybe the thing to do is to come clean with the roommate on that – indicate how concerned you are and tell her that if things don’t improve, that you are thinking that she should call her family to come help her. When she says no I don’t want to do that, suggest that maybe it would be easier for her if you called them and explained how she needs them. It could help you guage what is going on with her and if you need to call them or not.<br>
I wish you luck.</p>
<p>Hi, Twisted. I would suggest that you request a joint meeting with your RA and the Residence Hall Director or head of RAs. Tell both that you have serious concerns about the mental health status of someone on your floor and the meeting needs to be immediate. Then they can decide who to call and what to do next. If your roommate is staying in the dark all day and has a history of depression, then you need to move on this right away. Let the Residence Hall director deal with this; that’s his/her job. That person is trained and paid to do things like this. </p>
<p>You could also call the counseling center and ask to speak to the counselor on duty. Then you can lay out this issue and ask the counselor what to do. You could also go to the counseling center and ask for an emergency appointment; all college counseling centers have this. Tell the appointment person you are worried your roommate is suicidal and isn’t getting out of bed or turning any lights on. Tell the counselor what is going on with your roommate; the counselor will take appropriate action (contacting the head of your dorm).</p>
<p>Hi! I agree with everyone that you’re handling this in a very sensitive and mature manner, TK! </p>
<p>My kids do have chronic health issues and have been known to be down and out for long periods of time. Fortunately, they DO put up a good front for their room mates & as far as I know have not had the extreme you describe for your room mate (at home when they were in HS, they would sometimes literally go weeks only waking to use the bathroom and eat, lying in the dark resting & recovering the rest of the time). If your room mate was prone to this, her folks should have been aware & they DID get to see her over the weekend, so either they’re not very perceptive or she acted differently when she was “home.” For most folks with chronic health issues that involve long periods of illness and recovery, it is something they learn to deal with if they are going to be able to proceed in life.</p>
<p>I’d definitely talk with the RD (person above the RA) about your concerns. It is THEIR DUTY to watch over the kids who live in student housing and they do get training on how to helpfully intervene in situations such as the one you describe. Please give housing a chance to help this young woman figure out her options.</p>
<p>If she really IS ill (whatever the cause–pregnancy, depression, stomach flu or some combo), she needs to contact her profs about make up work and all of that. Many are quite understanding but it does take the student’s initiatve. If she isn’t ill, she’s still quite behind from missnig so much school & needs to meet with each of her profs to figure out her options. It is disappointing that the RA didn’t do ANYTHING at now that more time has gone by with no return to classes, it is time to take action and the RD has the duty to help address the issue.</p>
<p>(If I’ve correctly gathered where you’re at school). I’ve had occasion to ask NU’s CAPS center for help for others on two prior occasions, and it’s helped a lot. Of course, I had to get them to go, which was the hard part. If the center asks you to bring her down, try inviting her to go for a walk with you, and lead her (perhaps via a roundabout path) to the CAPS center. A little underhanded, yes, but it sounds like this is a serious situation if its not just the stomach flu.</p>
<p>So, an update. I decided I would talk to the RA one more time in a more formal manner than I had before if she didn’t perk up in a few days (or immediately if it somehow got worse), and if that did not yield results I was just going to call CAPS and ask what they thought (our RD is a complete ■■■■■). But then she got up and started watching tv with me, which she now does just about every evening. She wakes up at 2pm now and goes to bed around 4 or 5am (skipping 1-3 classes to do so) but she goes out to see people periodically and went tanning yesterday. She claimed that she was told not to return to class until after 48 fever free hours, which she said would be last wednesday, but didn’t go to class wednesday or thursday, did go to the one she has Friday morning, but did not go today. She seems her old bubbly self (but she’s always like that and I KNOW she’s really having a hard time), however she came completely unhinged yesterday when two of her friends broke up and sat on the phone with her mom for an hour sobbing about how now she really doesnt have any friends and then slept the rest of the day. So I would say an improvement, but she still has some major issues. </p>
<p>An aside, I do believe she actually had some sort of stomach flu like ailment for at least a while there because I think I caught it and was sick for three days-- no 101 fever like she said she had, just queasiness. It is my suspicion that the illness just exacerbated an underlying problem or she would have been back to class by now. </p>
<p>At this point now that she is not completely sleeping through life, is it still my business? If she wants to blow off all her classes I feel like it isn’t any of my business as long as she is eating and otherwise behaving normally, but I do know there’s something extra going on here so I don’t know how far my obligation goes. (Obligation is a colder word than I want, but I think you know what I mean.)</p>
<p>Twisted I think you have been a sweetheart and have done everything you can. At this rate she will crash and burn on her own when she doesn’t pass her first semester classes.</p>