Over the summer I asked to room with someone who seemed like a cool, mature person. After we moved in together everything seemed alright, but I quickly realized she’d lied to me about her mental health. I told her that I needed to room with someone who could take care of themself because I have a tendency of putting others before myself, which can be detrimental to my own health. I told her about all the friends I used to have who manipulated and took advantage of my willingness to help them, and she told me I didn’t have to worry because she hadn’t been depressed for over a year.
A few months after we moved in together her anxiety and depression became apparent and started causing many problems for her. She was constantly on the verge of a panic attack and would have one several times a week, which I would have to drop everything to go help her with. Eventually she began lying to me and her friends so she could hurt herself and I became very worried about her. Recently she got very angry with me after I made a doctors appointment for her, in her presence, which she consented to beforehand (she had been sobbing in pain and couldn’t call herself). When I called the RA to mediate a reconciliation she cried and made me out to be a bad person when her actions and the hurtful things she’d said to me had been the cause of needing mediation. I didn’t feel safe or welcome in my room because she’d flip from having a panic attack and needing my help to being angry and ungrateful for the help she asked for.
I alternate between feeling worried for her safety and wishing I had time to take care of myself. Sometimes I get so tired from taking care of her that I will have a sudden and violent panic attack. She causes me enough stress that I get frequent migraines and my stress induced seizures happen multiple times a day (these are benign and myoclonic but they cause me to drop things and scare people around me).
I honestly don’t feel like, after all my attempts to fix this relationship, my roommate cares about me like I care about her. I don’t think anything is going to get better and at this point I’m extremely tired of putting her needs before my own. Every time I try to talk to her about my feelings and needing to set boundaries she starts to cry and makes it about herself. It’s had a detrimental effect on my physical and emotional health, sleep, nerves, and friendships with others. I worry that she might seriously harm herself if I leave, but also I don’t think I can request to change rooms anymore even if I wanted to. What should I do?
You are a college student, not a psychiatric nurse. Consider changing rooms ASAP.
If you have parents who are supportive, tell them so they can help you. Go to the RA alone and explain how bad it’s gotten, and talk to a counselor or advisor at the school. If she threatens suicide again, call the campus police or hospital. I know you are considered adults but you shouldn’t have to handle this alone.
This needs to be addressed by the adults in charge and people need to take your situation and her mental health needs seriously.
One of my college roommates was diagnosed bipolar when we all lived together. It is very stressful and confusing. Take care of yourself.
Contact residential life and make a room change ASAP. She doesn’t care about you, she is very sick, and not your responsibility. You are sacrificing your own mental health and education.
She threatens to harm herself in order to control you. Get away immediately from this toxic person.
I agree that this sounds toxic and that you should leave. I also am worried about the way you have played into it, especially with a history of being in this role in this kind of relationship and I urge you to go to counseling as well.
You need to figure out how to follow what is a genuinely kind instinct – to help – while setting boundaries. The fact that you have been in this role before and felt manipulated suggests that something draws you in and once in, it takes not only your time but your emotional energy. This is feeding something you want but in a very unhealthy way. You knew this about yourself at the outset but couldn’t manage it. For your sake, you need to work through how to manage this type of person and situation or you too will suffer. The world needs “carers” and it’s important that you learn to care for yourself, and it sounds like you could use some help with that.
This is a very difficult situation. If your roommate is truly as mentally ill as she sounds, she may not be manipulating you deliberately but as a manifestation of her illness. That said, you are probably not equipped to deal with it regardless of its root cause…
When I was 18, I started dating the man who became my first love. After about 6 months together, he began exhibiting strange and troubling behavior. I attributed it to my not being a good enough girlfriend and redoubled my efforts to make him happy. Fortunately, his mother and father had a better clue and took him to a doctor. He was in the throes of an initial bipolar episode. I remember his mother taking me to see him in the hospital and telling me after we left to run far and run fast and nobody would ever hold it against me. I didn’t. I thought I could help him. I gave up 6 more years of my emotional life until I finally realized that I could never help him enough. In my case, I stayed because I loved him. You don’t have the same attachment to your roommate, so I give you my almost mother-in-law’s advice - “Run far and run fast.” Save yourself and surrender her care to the professionals and those who are equipped to handle her.
I also agree that you should have some counseling to explore why you are drawn to this type of situation and how you can establish boundaries.
Good luck.
Go to the residential life office on your campus today and tell the director everything you’ve told us. Request an immediate room change. Their job is to help you, so keep talking to staff until they do. The Dean of Students may also be helpful. Have you told your parents? They may need to get involved.
Yes, this:
Go to the residential life office on your campus today and tell the director everything you’ve told us. Request an immediate room change. Their job is to help you, so keep talking to staff until they do. The Dean of Students may also be helpful. Have you told your parents? They may need to get involved.