<p>I would be furious if my D’s RM’s mom created a situation like this involving my D when it is her D with the problem. What I would like to know is how on earth did she get your email address in the first place to start this ridiculous correspondence? I also certainly hope your D has no plans to live with this RM again next year.</p>
<p>I would definitely let your D know as soon as possible what has transpired so she is not angry with you for investigating about her behind her back.</p>
<p>
Exactly, 2college. The OP’s D had the roommate’s mom contacting Deans & RAs about her! I wouldn’t be just letting that go & leaving it for the girls to work out. I’d want to make it clear that the administration was aware that my D was attending classes & thriving, not a fragile new student having adjustment problems and possible mental health issues. We may assume that the Dean can spot that the RM’s mom is a nut, but I’d want to feel very comfortable that my D’s reputation wasn’t harmed in any way. Imagine if some bogus record of her mental health problems was floating around & prevented her from being considered for research or travel opportunities in the college, for example.</p>
<p>I think some folks here are escalating the issue, and the “diagnosis” or RM’s mom without enough to go on. So easy to do based on postings on a forum and lots of extrapolation from what little we know.</p>
<p>Maybe RMmom is wacko, disturbed, whatever. Maybe she is just an annoying helicopter mom. </p>
<p>I don’t think WCM should start any kind of campaign based on assumptions of the former.</p>
<p>JMMOM - I understand your ^^ post - tho I still like the nickname Drama Mama for rm’s mom - seems to fit pretty well - no diagnosis required - but she did start the drama in this situation :D</p>
<p>No doubt about that. I’ll go with Drama Mom if I need to mention her again :D. She’s a piece of work in my mind, too. </p>
<p>But to involve the Dean of Students at this point, based on what we know and without any further actions by Drama Mom… I think that is over-reacting.</p>
<p>Just my opinion.</p>
<p>When my gal was a freshman - she had a great friend - who happened to start the slide into depression - and landed there very quickly. My gal was very concerned about her friend and really tried to do the right thing - knowing about the privacy laws and all that - but one day I received a call from my gal - somewhat upset and explained what was happening to her friend and wanted to know if she should call her friends mother because she was sooo concerned - yes this girl was sleeping 16 hours a day - not going to class - disheveled all the time - not eating - not taking care of herself, etc… all the classic signs if severe depression.</p>
<p>My advice to her was to go to her friend and to ask her if she could call her mother because of her concern - and if she did not agree to this - my gal was to immediately go to the RA - which she was prepared to do - but someone else got there first - someone else had contacted the mother - and according to her mother (found out later) left an anonymous message on her phone about her daughter lying in a puddle of pee and she needed to get her b**tt to the dorm and get her out of it!! - It was NOT my gal who did this horrible call.</p>
<p>In the mean time - my gal went to the friend and did call the mother - who was actually enroute to the school to find out what was going on - as she had not been able to reach her DD or the RA or anyone else quickly. According to my gal - her friend was awake and ok with all of this - and on the mother’s request - my gal stayed with her til mom got there. Then all hell broke loose. The mom had been aware of a history of depression - no one at the school knew - the friend had stopped her meds - no one knew - was very ill at this point - no-one except my gal seemd to take notice and be concerned - but the ‘chicken’ who placed that call to her was never found.</p>
<p>Mom got there and immediately got an emergency eval done and then the gal and her mom were told by admin that she had to be out of the dorm within 3 days - because of very significant potential of her being harmful to herself or to others - and required 24/7 supervision at this point - was restarted on meds and not hospitalized. The RA was racked over the coals for not being more aware of the girl having problems - by the mom - and by the school as well. The one thing that was a bit more positive was that the school sided with the mother - and did allow mom and daughter to remain in the dorm for the 3 days it took to get her moved out.</p>
<p>So in this situation - there was a lack of action by the RA - and the dean was involved - but it seems that it was appropriately handled - and the drama piece was that horrid phone call. I am glad my gal cared enough to at least take some type of action - she had never really been involved in anything like this before - but did know and understand the privacy issues that were involved in all of this.</p>
<p>Just as an update - after a very bumpy couple of years - this gal is now doing great - in college - working and all that - and she and my gal are still very good friends - and her mom just loves my gal also ;)</p>
<p>By the way, I didn’t mean to seem flip in my dismissal of the concern about depression in my response. But my son in particular is more likely to be the one who notices another student is having problems, than the one having problems. He’s a psychology major in part because of his experiences helping another family member who was hospitalized for depression. He’s been a peer crisis counselor and is very involved in these issues himself. It’s actually something that we talk about in our family a lot. There are issues my son might hide from me, but this isn’t among them.</p>
<p>"The RA was racked over the coals for not being more aware of the girl having problems - by the mom - and by the school as well. "</p>
<p>This makes me worried: RA’s are trained but are students themselves and rarely more than 2 years older. If parents are going to sue, are they covered by the university? Being an RA is frequently cited here on CC as a good way to help cover your expenses, but everything seems hazy as to the legal aspects.</p>
<p>I think some of it with the RA situation depends on their training and also their attitude - I have seen very good RA’s who are really on top of things - and others that couldn’t give a hoot.</p>
<p>The RA on my gals floor in the dorm was one of the former - she was awesome and really seemed to have ‘hit’ on every one of her charges - on the other hand - the one in my gals friend’s dorm certainly was beaut from what my gal told me.</p>
<p>I really think it depends on how seriously the RA takes their job. As far as legal aspects - that is certainly a question that I would be asking if my gal ever would have considered doing it - she was nominated - but didn’t want to stay in the dorms - so a moot point.</p>
<p>
That is exactly the sort of over-involvement/meddling that I think WCM needs to refrain from. We don’t know that WestCoastDaughter wants a different roommate. Maybe WCD is very, very happy to have the privacy that comes with a roommate who has essentially moved in to her boyfriends room and only stops by occasionally for a clothing exchange; maybe RM is a very nice girl with a mom-from-hell and WCD would like to continue to be her friend and to live with her. Maybe not – but that still is up to the daughter to decide.</p>
<p>Getting drawn into the drama and becoming a co-participant in maternal meddling isn’t going to help the situation, nor is it a help to read more into the situation than is there on the surface.</p>
<p>Sorry, Cal, I disagree. It’s not about what the daughter thinks of the roommate-- it’s about what the rm’s mom has done, apparently with some input from the rm. I consider it unhealthy to allow this sort of person access to my life and I know I’ve passed on that kind of common sense to my kids.</p>
<p>I haven’t read more into the situation. This woman went to dorm officials about the op’s kid-- even after she was told it was being handled. Like I said, it’s gossip at best and slander at worst. I would put an absolute stop to this woman contacting me-- and I would encourage my daughter to get away from the nuts. I think your plan-- which allows this family continued access (an access they’ve abused)-- is allowing all sorts of drama in your life. Then again, I lived with nutty roommates and, if they’re truly nutty, it doesn’t get better. Part of growing up is knowing when to walk away.</p>
<p>Anyway, to each his own. I don’t agree with you (and think it’s rather rude of you to call me over-involved or meddlesome when I’m not) but it’s a little hard to even fathom being in this situation; it’s so over-the-top.</p>
<p>I agree with much you say calmom - throughout this whole story involving he said/she said, we have to remember the daughter who is being advised to move out hasn’t even been heard from yet. She most likely has no idea that all this stuff is going on behind her back. I will say that the OP should be prepared to take some grief from her daughter when the daughter learns all these people have been talking about her behind her back. I would be HUMILIATED if I found out people were speculating and conspiring over me with no idea that it was going on. I feel bad for the OP’s daughter, regardless of how it turns out, because in the end, she will probably feel betrayed whether she and the roommate have an unspoken style of compromise, or not. If they do continue to be roommates, several people are going to have to earn back their trust (which doesn’t have to include the RM’s mom - she’s just wacky, and the broken record can take care of that) with this girl.</p>
<p>2collegewego, I did not call you over-involved or meddlesome; I said the response you advocated would be overinvolvement & meddling. </p>
<p>There is a difference between labeling people and labeling actions or behavior. YOU aren’t involved in this directly at all, so you haven’t done anything one way or another except express an opinion – there is no cause to “call” you anything. </p>
<p>Similarly, I would not be inclined to resolve this situation by deciding to label both the roommate and her mom as “nuts” and insisting that my kid get away from “the nuts.” The RM-mom seems to be a problem; there is no evidence whatsoever that the RM herself has any personality problem or is engage in any inappropriate conduct. Hanging out with her bf all the time is pretty typical for a college student; unfortunately, so is lying to parents about it.</p>
<p>I’m sure if WCD has a problem with the RM, she can figure that out without her mom now adding to her problems by insisting she apply for a room change because the mom does not like the RM’s mom’s behavior – which is what it would come down to.</p>
<p>Remember, WCM’s d’s response to RM’s discussions with RM’s mother may be, “Yeah, her mom was really down about her spending so much time with bf and grades dropping, so I told her she could blame it on me. And then her blaming got a bit out of hand. I didn’t think the mom would go off on the depression thing, or call you, or anything like that and I’m sorry, but I’m OK, so it’s no big deal.” Apparently the RM’s mom is overly controlling, and the kids may have had this kind of discussion to get RM’s mom off her back.</p>
<p>You’re also all assuming that the college officials involved in the “investigation” did it all behind WCM’s D’s back. They very well may have talked to her about it, to determine that all is well. I can easily see this already having been resolved between the RM’s, laughing about “how crazy mothers are” at Starbucks.</p>
<p>I agree that since no physical or academic harm was done, and it’s the RM’s mother who went off the deep end, not the RM as far as we know (and the college officials know that the RM’s mother wend off the deep end), changing rooms needs to be WCM’s D’s decision.</p>
<p>I didn’t read all the emails, so forgive me if I repeat someone else’s. Is this mom also sending harrassing “concerned” emails to your d? These people sound unstable and I would be concerned more about that!</p>
<p>Dear All - thank you for your suggestions. My D now knows all the particulars. </p>
<p>My D realizes her roommate used her as a “red herring” to deflect RM’s mother’s focus on her boyfriend. She is extremely disappointed in her roommate who was part of a core group of friends. Most of the friends have met RM’s mom and characterize her as crazy. </p>
<p>My D said for RM’s mom to call the school and make unfounded accusations and statements based on RM’s information was a big shock. Her RM has stated she was just venting and she never thought her mom would take her so seriously. She denies that she ever implied or stated my D was depressed.</p>
<p>Both my D and her RM met with the RC separately and together. The RC told them the issue was one of communication and that the RM needed to communicate to her roommate instead of her mom.</p>
<p>My D stated her roommate is no longer her friend, but she will treat her as a casual acquaintance. My D says her RM is rarely in the room and she can’t remember the last time her RM even spent a night in the room. At this point she thinks she will see even less of the RM.</p>
<p>My D has asked me to forward any email if the RM’s mom contacts me again. She plans to arrange a meeting with the RC as witness to tell the RM that her mom’s interference needs to stop.</p>
<p>It’s always sad to find out that someone you thought was a friend is not.</p>
<p>“My D has asked me to forward any email if the RM’s mom contacts me again. She plans to arrange a meeting with the RC as witness to tell the RM that her mom’s interference needs to stop.”</p>
<p>Smart cookie, your daughter!</p>
<p>Westcoastmom – your daughter sounds like she is handling an awkward uncomfortable situation very maturely.</p>
<p>Sounds good Westcoastmom. I’m glad your daughter now knows everything that happened.</p>
<p>Westcoastmom. good job managing this. Your D is a treasure that I am sure you appreciate. She is handling it well. As for her RM, some are much more immature still in their freshman year. She apparently was only thinking of herself and her comfort with her mom. Consequences did not occur to her. DD’s roommate is almost 18months younger and was still much more immature, especially when required to think of others or outcomes (alarm clock going off all night, lights on at odd hours and laundry issues). They have worked out most of the issues for this year, but DD is not staying with her next year.</p>