<p>So I haven't been able to sleep...S1 who is a junior has been stressing this entire weekend, and I caught him crying in the restroom on Saturday because of all the homework from his 5 AP classes. He's a bright kid, has a lot to juggle and has been doing it well but I'm worried that it's getting to be too much since lately he has been "slacking off" (I don't think it really is slacking off, but he isn't dedicating as much time to his classes as usual) and doesn't feel like really hitting the books. </p>
<p>His English teacher called me last week to let me know that he did not turn in a research paper they had been working on the last month or so and that if he did not turn it in she would bring down his grade a full letter. When I've tried speaking to him he simply says that he's tired of school, the pressure and everyone wanting him to go above and beyond; he wants to be left alone and he simply does not care anymore. </p>
<p>I'm really worried. I don't understand how education has gotten to the point of making a kid cry over the amount of homework and the inability to succeed. He's a straight-A student but for the past few weeks he has been "depressed" for lack of a better word. I try communicating with him but he never feels like talking except letting me know how he thinks college is useless and just another four years of pressure to prepare you to endure a lifelong tenure of pressures.</p>
<p>Anyone have these problems with their kids? I think I just need to take him out for a weekend and have him not worry about school but finals are approaching and this isn't the most opportune time...I'm at loss and I've been really busy at work lately so I don't think I've been paying as much attention to him as I should or usually do...I feel so guilty! =(</p>
<p>It's easy for kid in high school to become overwhelmed with everything. Sometimes they feel like they have NO control over anything. </p>
<p>I would suggest talking with some sort of professional to see what all is going on. </p>
<p>We had a similar issue once, and the combination of knowing that someone was listening to the kid, and that it was okay for the kid to choose to drop some activities, (and for us to lighten up on our expectations) made an immediate difference in the kid's outlook and happiness. Definitely needed to know that it was okay for the kid to be in control of the choices.</p>
<p>Lots of kids who've had straight A's all of their life find it hard to keep that up when the hard part of high school kicks in. It's also a time when learning differences surface for many bright kids who could get great results despite them until the work got tougher and demanded different skills.</p>
<p>I would start by asking his teachers what they see. Then I'd sit down with DS and get to the bottom of what he's feeling. Hopefully that will give you enough insight to chart a course.</p>
<p>It is not education; it is our expectations that are sometimes too much. His crying would scare me because regrettably boys of that age usually will not cry for anything. He could be scared of the future but he could be overworked or burdened by the expectations of everyone around him. Dropping some AP's might be a start. He has to be allowed to go at his own pace; it could be worse if he buckled under the weight of his life at college so better to reposition his place on the treadmill now.</p>
<p>One of the most powerful thing I have tried to teach my clients (am a therapist) and my own S and D is that they can decide to change things. They can transfer schools, decide to quit a job or activity, or talk things out with a friend even if it is difficult. We are such a "you must stick it out" society that we sometimes forget that often the bravest and smartest thing to do is to "quit", to "change" a situation. That puts us in charge of our own life and also develops a sense of power over our own destiny.
Your S is overwhelmed. After making sure that he is fine physically (could he have mono? Is he sleeping enough? Appetite OK?) some hard questions need to asked. Is it OK with him/you for him to get through this term and the drop some AP's? The fact that it is his junior year makes this a hard one but having a student with depression and gloomy attitude towards his future is more serious that dropping 2 or 3 of the classes and perhaps shifting his future College list.<br>
It will take your involvment --first look at his health, then a good sit down with loads of support and problem solving. As the parent most of your ideas will be thrown out but that is OK as it helps the process and gives him something concrete to push
against (you). If he will agree to see a therapist then set it up for him. If there are any suicidal or strong depressive statement then set it up and tell him he must go 3 times. (that will make it easier and if it goes well then he will not even argue about it).
Try to be around when he is home --if it is gloomy and he comes home to an empty and silent house vs a body/ light/ music and some good smells...makes a huge difference. If you can't be then leave lights and music on with a snack ready for him. You don't want him to feel stressed AND alone.
I am not usually up this time of the morning but could not sleep either--hope when I reread this later it will make sense!
I know that awful sick feeling when the S or D feel overwhelmed and trapped. As a parent we need to kick in on the quantity of time we "hang out" around the kitchen "just in case they want to talk". take snacks to them, silently nurture them so they don't feel alone. When they decided to talk, listen well, and bite the inside of your cheek and not bring up the "told you it would be too much" or "if you would stop texting while you study..."
Please keep us posted. I think you know that this is big. It might just calm down after finals but the opportuntiy for your S to be his own advocate vs feeling overwhelmed is a great parenting moment. Guess I would sumorize it for your S as "Ok, it's too much, it s not bringing you meaning and peace, so what needs to be changed?" Parent: "I will call the counselor and go in and the 3 of us will work out next semester's schedule (if the school says they cannot change hang in there and then they will find a way even though it will be difficult for them, they can figure it out)." "I will make a doctor appt" I will make a Therapist appt" "I will be totally supportive if you go to X type college instead of #1 type."
Hope this is helpful. He's lucky to have you.</p>
<p>5 AP's are too much at one time---pure and simple. I don't understand why so many parents (and guidance counselors) feel that it's proper to put 16 year olds in such a position. Does he have any time for fun? Think about it. He very well may be craving the normal life of a 16 year old without the pressures of 5 AP classes. He should have been advised to limit himself to 3 AP classes at the most. Take charge as a parent---give him an out. Let him know that you will speak with the guidance counselor if he feels that it would be best to drop one of the AP classes (or 2). Help take this unnecessary stress off of his back. He will still get into a great college with 3 AP classes in his schedule.</p>
<p>Reinforce the fact that dropping one or two AP classes does not make him a failure. Explain to him that it's OK to lighten the load and take some of the weight off of his back. Balance is an important lesson to learn and why not use this opportunity to explain it.</p>
<p>There's no indication from your post that he thinks college is useless. It does seem that he's finding 5 APs extremely stressful, as would be the case with most students including other smart, motivated ones.</p>
<p>One doesn't need 5 APs or even any APs to go to college and to be a financial or career success.</p>
<p>Agree with NYSmile. Taking 5 APs is crazy. I know public schools seem to promote this, but it is NOT something that many private schools would allow. Two or three APs is a heavy load. I do think we are overwhelming our kids with these expectations. It's simply too much pressure.</p>
<p>My three children attended three different high schools - only one limited the amount of honors/AP classes. At that school no more than three honors/APs could be taken by the student per year - the student was given a contract that he and parents had to sign detailing the exact expectations of the class - rather the higher expectations of the class, ie the amount of reading per night, etc. Good system - made my son pick and choose his classes with more care and kept the students from competing with each other over the number of APs taken. </p>
<p>Anyway saw less stress with that system than with the AP overload at the other two schools. Have purposely restricted last D to no more than 3.</p>
<p>Talk with your son and find out which honors/AP classes interest him and see what you can do about maybe opting out of APs in subjects that don't interest him at all. (Youngest d made a solid A in honors bio freshman year but opted out of honors chem the following year.)</p>
<p>Re 5 APs: one simply cannot make a blanket statement that 5 APs are too much for any kid. These particular courses may be too much for THIS kid at THIS time. My S took 5 APs at once--Physics, Chem, Calc BC, and two language courses (plus the school's equivalent of AP English which I've not counted towards the total, and another class)--and was simultaneously a 3-season athlete and musician in the youth symphony, with lessons and the practice that entailed. He had no trouble handling this and also spent time socializing with his friends. He needed and wanted that level of academics. He would have been miserable in other classes.</p>
<p>I agree that the OP should seek professional help immediately, and that the kid should be encouraged to give himself permission to change his courses if that seems appropriate. Many things can emerge at this stage of adolescence: in kids I've known personally, everything from LDs previously masked by high IQ to depression and bipolar disorder. It may well be simply too much stress. But he should not have to live in pain.</p>
<p>At the same time, if at all possible I would try to help him get his research paper in so that his grade in that course isn't torpedoed. But in the final analysis his mental health is the most important thing.</p>
<p>Taking 5 AP classes as a junior is a pretty tough load for most students. I don't think many students could make a strong argument why doing so is the best idea since sliced bread. Add on some hefty ECs and throw in a few SAT/ACT tests into the mix and trying to balance some social time/down time is tricky. </p>
<p>My S took 3 AP classes as a sophomore. In two classes (Calculus BC and Spanish Language) is was just the next class in the sequence. On his own, after some discussion since he earlier said he wasn't going to do it, he added AP European History (usually the one and only AP sophomores at his HS take.) Turns out the AP Euro class caused him the most work because the analysis and skill set was somewhat different, which was a good thing. At AP test time, he got 5, 5, 4.</p>
<p>As a junior, he's taking 4 AP classes (I'm counting his on line linear algebra class as an AP equivalent and it is a challenge in a different way. He's handling the content but has struggled with the time management issues associated with such an independent study class.) The rest are AP Physics C, AP English and AP US History. S and his GC at one point were batting around the idea of having taking a fifth, AP Spanish Literature. It was indeed a struggle for me to, politely, suggest this was the equivalent of an Evil Knievel act and really not necessary, and what if he, say, got sick for a week?</p>
<p>It was a struggle to have this conversation because I didn't want to dash his enthusiam in any way, but did want him to do a reality check. He finally decided to opt to take a photography class instead. I think he's now happy he made this choice.</p>
<p>And guess what? Kid on the water polo team passed on some germ and he missed almost a week of school but was able to bounce back, for two reasons. 1) He wasn't overwhelmed with 5 AP classes. 2) Teachers put the assignments on line so he could do some while at home.</p>
<p>Totally agree with Consolation. My kid's attended 3 different high schools. At DD's, the top of the class would have been bored with anything other that the AP classes. At DS2's school, the most competitive, they had nothing they called AP but kids took the tests and did very well. His regular classes were much tougher than DD's AP's--much!</p>
<p>I think it's hard if you are in a school where other kids are taking APs in this quantity, but really I think it's the exception, my son took 1 as a freshman, 1 as a sophomore, 3 as a junior and 3 as a senior (+ one post AP math course). He took more APs than most kids in the school - one of two National AP Scholars in his class. He could have handled more, but I'm glad he had plenty of free time to enjoy life outside school. He got into some top colleges as did friends with similar schedules.</p>
<p>I would definitely look into counseling for your son, and I wouldn't hesitate to let him drop one or two of those AP courses.</p>
<p>My junior son is currently in an academic slump. It's not as deep your son's academic and emotional distress, but I can definitely see that it could be if he had a similar load. </p>
<p>Usually, when this happens, it signals my son has lots of little troubles rather than one big problem. (Sometimes it's hard to tell which is worse, though, isn't?) But, in either case, our response is usually the same.<br>
- First, we ask him if he can identify (articulate) any single thing that's wrong. Putting words to feelings is difficult for 16yo boys, but getting it "out" can be cathartic and theraputic. It sounds like your son has already done this.
- Second, we ask him if he can articulate a solution for what's wrong. The solution is allowed to be real or fantasy. "Madame Devereaux is a witch and I want her to fall off her broom on the way home tonight" has just as much merit as "let me skip karate tonight." ;) </p>
<p>Sounds silly, but the point is Son feels better when he can find time to catch his breath (e.g., skip karate) or safely vent about someone or something he "hates." And, as parents, we know that the venting holds clues to actions WE can take. </p>
<p>I definitely agree with the others about seeking professional help, too. Good luck and please keep us posted.</p>
<p>An AP course is supposed to be the equivalent of a college class. In some schools, "AP" classes are not that rigorous, but in some schools, they are. Most college students couldn't manage five regular academic classes plus another one or two less demanding classes. So if OP's son's AP classes are extremely rigorous, there is no shame in dialing back. And, in fact, there's no shame in dialing back anyway. What works for one student is a disaster for another one.</p>
<p>I agree with the other posters about seeking professional help as well.</p>
<p>Better to address these issues now; my D went into a similar spiral when she entered college where we were not there to help her with it. Here's another vote for the professional help .....</p>
<p>As Freud said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Maybe this is just plain vanilla overload (my kids HS did not allow AP's for juniors and you needed your guidance counselor's signature to do more than 4- 3 was the norm, even for the high performing kids. Why not explore what the options are for cutting back before deciding that you need professional help? (Of course get help if it's warranted... but I'd be crying too if this was my workload, and I'm middle aged!)</p>
<p>I'd like to gently suggest that perhaps this thread has filled its quorum of "well, *my *kid can handle it" posts. I realize that they are not aimed at the OP, but were in answer to generalized claims that the schedule was too challenging, but perhaps that conversation can be better served on a more general thread about appropriate AP levels, rather than one started by a worried mom.</p>
<p>Junior year has been the toughest academically for both of my Ds. (Senior year fall is the toughest all around because of adding college apps on top of everything else.) I don't think that backing off on the workload and helping with time management is out of order. Sometimes it was just enough for my kids to know that the family was willing to work together to help--that they didn't have to face the problems alone...sharing the burden.</p>
<p>Echoing some others here... 5 AP classes is supposed to be the equivalent of 5 college classes. At 16, very few students should be able to handle such a load. Yes, I said should. College is traditionally reserved for adults for a reason. And 5 is a full semester load for anyone. Add in the pressure to perform well so he can "get into college" and any other activities or classes he might have, and it's perfectly understandable to me (a high school teacher at an exceptional public magnet school, by the way) why your S is shutting down. Try to get him through until winter break, allow some days for rest and recuperation and then see if he wants to make some changes for semester 2.</p>