Sad about my daughter's social struggles

Parents Forum
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<p>Been thinking about this. My D has never been a social queen. In fact, she was neither a leader nor a follower in elementary and middle school, which perforce made her something of a loner in those environments. In high school, the social milieu changed enough that she accumulated a group of peer friends without having defined social roles but outside of the "clique" range. It seems that she has more of the same in college, with perhaps some leadership stuff beginning to emerge at her own pace. In literary terms, she will never be a "best seller"...she makes no bones about expressing her own opinions where others might hang back or express sure-not-to-offend generalities. </p>

<p>Otoh, to paraphrase NSM to JMMom, she can handle adversity, she can hit a curveball, and the past ups and down have been good for her <em>now</em>. I think that maybe she is still a little shy but in a way that many would never know it.</p>

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<p>Okay, NOW, I really need help. First off, let me say thank you all so much for your kind and thoughtful words. Many of you have some very sage words of widsom and I truly appreciate all the good thoughts and hugs!</p>

<p>The new issue is that she wants to transfer. She says she has given it a great deal of thought and articulated many reasons for it. She wants to transfer to the big state U where her closest friends - girls are Greek, guys are not - go. What she likes about her current school: small class sizes, good professor interaction, math/science/language reqs are already met for her major, good internship opportunities, friendly students. But the size is beginning to feel restrictive to her (~2300 students) especially not being in a sorority. There's only 7 sororities on campus and while she would know a lot of people in them next year if she did decide to rush, she feels that's too few. She feels that alot of the people in the dorms she would have to live in tend to be anti-social. She feels like she doesn't quite fit in. </p>

<p>In her own words: because she's not in a sorority and because she's very attached to her friendships and because she's honestly still an insecure person when it comes to not being included in groups, her school is a really hard place for her to be at if she's not in a sorority.</p>

<p>As the state U, there'd be much more diversity and less pressure to go Greek. There's 19 (!) sororities there so she feels like there's more opportunity and less stereotyping (altho she says if she doesn't go Greek it'd be ok because she has non-Greek friends and there's less pressure to do so).</p>

<p>She feels like she wants a whole new start and it'd be tough to do that at such a small school as her present one.</p>

<p>She's put a transfer app in and I have no idea if she'll able be able to transfer since it's past the app date. But she was accepted last year to their Honors College and her GPA first semester was 3.75 so I think she may have a shot. </p>

<p>She actually wants my advice about this and I don't know what to tell her. It's really her decision and I just don't want her to make a rash one. The only thing that might throw things off is that she's still in the running to get a freshmen mentor position. But 200 people applied for 30 spots and the odds are long (although she did make the first cut and the second round of interviews are coming up). If she did get a mentor slot, that might change her mind. </p>

<p>Along the lines of what several posters mentioned, she actually feels good about her ability to make new friends. But she also told me that she's been very unhappy 2nd semester - and it mainly stems from not having either a sorority house or living group to live in next year (there are theme floors of apt. style dorms and she didn't have any group to join so she's going to the general dorms). I think she reasons that at state U, she'd be less conspicuous being independent and there'd be many more people just like her. A numbers thing.</p>

<p>I don't really know if I have a strong feeling one way or another. I know she loves the education she's getting now - the classes, the teachers. She's said, that if she just had a sorority house to go into she wouldn't even be thinking of transferring. But the fact is she doesn't have that and she feels out of place enough to make her want to leave that environment. And if she's that unhappy, why stay?</p>

<p>I guess I want to make sure she doesn't make a rash decision - although she swears she's not, she can definitely be prone to "immediate attention" syndrome. We'll talk more about it over spring break and it by then she may know if she got a mentor position and it will take a few weeks to hear if she can even transfer.</p>

<p>Ugh...</p>

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<p>I think you've approached this wisely. It is her decision (assuming new school is within your budget). Be a sounding board and support her. She made one decision already to attend a college that hasn't worked out, and she's looking for another path to fix what she perceives are unsurmountable issues. Good for her. Perhaps there are several alternatives to this fix, but she needs only to pick one and go with it to make herself happy. Until the next issue crops up... (remember - we've all been there).</p>

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<p>Fredo, which state school? Indiana U at Bloomington? If so, I think it's an excellent choice and they do a good job of making a large school seem smaller in terms of classes and dorms. </p>

<p>I guess I am of the opinion that if my child isn't totally happy at a school, there's no harm in transferring --- but that's me. It sounds like you will do a good job helping her sort out her options and remember, this isn't a life or death situation in the long run. Just tell her you will support whatever she decides (but I'd urge her to spend a long weekend with her friends at IU or where ever).</p>

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<p>So she's transferring because she doesn't know who she's going to live with next year? She's unhappy because she's afraid the people in the dorms will be anti-social and that she doesn't know a lot of the girls in sororities? I think she has bigger problems to worry about than what school she is attending. So she's getting a great education but she hasn't found her niche yet. Your daughter isn't very strong-willed.</p>

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<p>I feel for you...I ran into an old friend whom I had not seen in years. Her four daughters had all graduated from college and were in various stages of success in their post graduate endeavors and personal lives. I made some comment about how wonderful it was for me to see them all land on their feet as I am about to embark on the first of three children nearing that college chapter. She snickered and told me how she hated to break it to me but that chapter was easier .... the worry never ended.... college turned to jobs/careers/relationships/finances/grandchildren/ son in law issues/ grandchildren issues/ and the list went on. She shared how one daughter took her on a long walk over the holidays and unloaded about some problems...The mother was up for nights worrying but the daughter seemingly found clarity and moved on after sharing all of her problems with her mother! I find it so difficult to be a good listener and bear the pain without trying to control the situation and solve all the problems. Ultimately, we are lucky when our children feel comfortable enough to share their problems and ask for advice. I evolve and grow as a mother but these are the most challenging situations. I feel your pain. </p>

<p>Anyway, I would see what happens on the application for transfer and the mentoring position. It may pass and it may not. If it doesn't and the mentor position does not materialize, maybe it is best she put herself in an environment that she feels is more conducive to learning and being appreciated for who she is. Is there a difference in your opinion in the education she would receive?</p>

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<p>Seems pretty reasonable that a student who is not a sorority member would to want to transfer out of a school that is 75% Greek. It certainly sounds like the Greek system has been the major focus of the college experience at your daughter's school and a negative one for your daughter. I think being non-Greek at a school totally dominated by a Greek scene would be a pretty miserable experience, too.</p>

<p>Since the Greek scene that presumably attracted her to the school didn't work out for her, transfering to a university where there are non-Greek students and/or less cliquish sororities might be a wise decision.</p>

<p>Good luck sorting it all out.</p>

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<p>I can see transferring. Why not? She thought there were certain things she wanted in a college were in fact not what was right for her. 2300 is just like a big highschool- with all the stuff that goes with a high school....that small of a college isn't for everyone. My D's would go bonkers....they like to be able to mix with all kinds of people, and get away from the annoying ones!!</p>

<p>Support the transfer, she sounds like she has really thought it through and why suffer at a place that was a bad match...it kind of like getting out of a bad relationship, after trying, whats the point anymore...</p>

<p>Good luck and I think your D is thinking everything through</p>

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<p>Carolyn: yes, it is IU- Bloomington. My D did marching band in HS - and those kids lived inside each other's pockets for 4 years. She had an incredibly tight group there and almost all of them go to IU. She spent all her time with them over the summer, xmas break, visits them occasionally and the group is as tight as ever. The few who went to other schools their first year have transferred or are transferring to IU. That's part of the big pull. But I have to say, she's been very clear about how she recognizes that she can't rely on them and that she will make her own way amongst the 35,000 students there. But the thought of having them there is very appealing to her.</p>

<p>Her HS was actually bigger than her present college with 3500 students. A lot of people here complain about the size of the HS but one of the advantages of so many people is that it's easier not to get pegged and find someone, somewhere just like you. If you don't like one group, you just move on and find another. What she's discovering at her LAC is that you're either in sorority a,b,c,d,or independent and that's your group. So from that standpoint, transferring to a much larger, diverse place makes sense.</p>

<p>I'm just going to try to make sure she understands all the ramifications, pluses and minuses, and then let her make her own decision. It would certainly be cheaper for her to go to IU but that's not a factor. I do think she gives up something in the education because there's a lot to be said for - and she really likes - her small classes and close professor contact. But she's interested in psychology and IU has a very good psych dept. </p>

<p>And for shizz, she's actually very strong willed. To be thinking about transferring and starting all over at a huge school like IU - well, I think you need a pretty strong constitution for that!</p>

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<p>Fredo--I think that your daughter should look into a transfer. She can find out if they will accept a late transfer. Then you can decide over break if she really wants to go through with it.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

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<p>Fredo, I also think that knowing when it 's time to make a change and going through it shows a strong constitution. My D did after her freshman year; it was very hard, but it worked out great for her.</p>

<p>It's not even worth replying to judgmental posts like that other one.</p>

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<p>Quote: " But the size is beginning to feel restrictive to her (~2300 students)....."</p>

<p>It may be that the social life at the school is limiting because of the size. This could have nothing at all to do with the fact that there are sororities on campus. Personally I think a larger student population does offer more social diversity.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
And for shizz, she's actually very strong willed. To be thinking about transferring and starting all over at a huge school like IU - well, I think you need a pretty strong constitution for that!

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I'm going to get tons of flak for this, but anyone strong willed wouldn't give up so easily. She wouldn't be starting over. She has her HS friends as a cushion for her - one of the biggest reasons she is considering transferring.</p>

<p>People forget that the point of college is to get an education.</p>

<p>
[quote]
It's not even worth replying to judgmental posts like that other one.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>He's posting his problems on a public message board. What do you expect? I'm not going to sugarcoat it and respond with "I agree with you 100%" when I think it's a bad decision. In the end, it's obviously his and his daughter's decision, but it wouldn't hurt to hear it from another perspective.</p>

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<p>Transfer! Encourage her! My parents talked me out of transferring, many moons ago. [very poor decision] When I read your initial post, I thought your d should transfer because of the small school size and possible paucity of social options but I didn't want to go there.</p>

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<p>Shizz: There are ways to disagree or offer a different view without being judgmental of the person herself. Many of us do so here. The OP is asking for insight into actions and choices, not character.</p>

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<p>Looking back that was a bit uncalled for, sorry.</p>

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<p>Deciding to transfer takes a clear eye and courage – arguably more courage than it takes to stay put in a bad situation. Fredo: If your daughter transfers to IU, will she live off-campus with friends, or are there dorm floors reserved for sophomores/transfers? As you know, it is a very big school (I went there a hundred years ago). A comfortable living situation could ease the way for your daughter by “narrowing the universe.” Best of luck.</p>

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<p>fredo-
Your daughter has made an assessment and recognizes that despite the good quality of education she's getting, the REST of her life isn't working the way she needs it to. This, in my opinion, is as important to her overall success as sitting in challenging classes.</p>

<p>Both my kids have commented that they'd like a broader world in college than high school. I think, for your daughter, transferring sounds like an excellent solution. Remember, she's already had almost a year of "making her own way". I predict she'll be wildly happy at IU.</p>

<p>Hugs to you...so many have said it better than I could, but it's SO hard to see your child suffering. However, this year's experiences will help her find what she NEEDS at IU.</p>

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<p>Tangential to fredo as not being applicable to his D but a comment for parents of those whose students are still considering colleges: my D goes to an LAC that does not have sororities at all. It's size is 2650 or so but there seems to be very little of that "pegging" into social slots. From what I hear, there are loose generalizations based on where people live. Other than that, the only "type" I've ever heard mentioned was the SGA (student government) folks.</p>

<p>The combination of LAC + Greek seems to have a particularly corrosive potential to me.</p>

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<p>It may be possible that the social dynamics at a small single sex school are much different than at a small coed LAC. </p>

<p>There may be some readers that do not know that TheDad's daughter attends an all women's college. It could be that the entire campus is just one big sorority. LOL</p>