<p>I realize that compared to some parents whose freshmen kids are flat-out miserable and determined to leave, my D is not doing that badly. But she is not doing well, really, either. Classes are good (the just-below tier 1 LAC is a good fit that way) but socially she is still very isolated. Part of it is just her. She has three close friends from pre-college days and maybe a half-dozen not-as-close friends and that's it (none of whom are at her same college). She is not an outgoing person but has joined several campus groups in an effort to find kindred spirits but so far she has not clicked with anyone. It is still just the middle of the first semester and I want to believe there is still hope that she will find her people (in this sense her school was not a good fit because many students are into the greek scene, which she is not--but if 70 percent are greek that still leaves 30 percent who are not). </p>
<p>I guess I am just looking for either reassurance that others whose kids might have had a similar start to college did find their place at their school eventually, or for advice that after this point things don't usually get a lot better so I and she should just accept it as it is or think about a different school.</p>
<p>If the school is 70% greek and she doesn’t have any interest in the Greek scene, perhaps she should consider transferring to a college with a different campus atmosphere.</p>
<p>Really listen to what she says when you talk with her–try to read between the lines.
Is she unhappy with the atmosphere at the school? Does she look forward to the weekends on campus or does she dread the weekends? Does she get along with her roommate and floor mates? Does she complain about the attitudes of the majority of the kids on campus?</p>
<p>You know your daughter better than anyone. What is your gut feeling and what are her thoughts regarding her current college?</p>
<p>Both my husband and I had miserable experiences at college. Because of that, perhaps, we take our son’s complaints seriously. On the other hand, it takes time for kids who are naturally reserved to find “their people.” I am optimistic that this will happen, but then again it may not. We have told him to try his best to reach out and he has–he has reached way outside his comfort zone and things seem to be slowly improving in terms of his mood. He has no complaints about academics, is enjoying his classes and getting great feedback from his professors-- this is very important to him. What we have done is listen to his thoughts, encouraged him to share his feelings with us, empathized with his concerns and told him we will support him if he continues to feel the school may not be the right fit for him at the end of the Christmas break. So I can’t predict what will happen for your daughter, but I thought I would just share that it seems that plenty of other freshmen are experiencing the same situations.</p>
<p>The two friends of my d who were miserable felt that way almost from the 3rd week onwards. One of the girls the school was a bad fit, I knew it was as my D also got accepted and I knew my d would be unhappy there(my d went to another school), her friend still attended, friend transferred for her sophomore year, she did finish her freshman spring semester. Much more content at her new school. The other young lady HATED it and returned home for her freshman spring semester. She is a self professed home body, but it took one semester away for her to realize she would rather live at home.
If you can pin down what they don’t like, for the homebody friend, her reasons for not liking it were clearly the being at camp atmosphere all the time, being ON all the time. She needed down time, alone time, time to study and not a continuous party. She told me she couldn’t separate the two enough to be successful.</p>
<p>I should say that at this point D has not said anything about leaving or transfering. She has though talked a lot about the possibility of graduating early. So this post is more about my issues than hers. She is in contact with us a lot, me especially and her dad and siblings some too. Sometimes she is unhappy but sometimes she is not. We researched colleges very carefully and she never found the “aha this is it” place. I think for her a perfect college does not exist. She is tempermentally conservative (does not like change at all, is not a risk-taker) but politically liberal. In some ways she is more mature than most college students but in some ways she is less mature. I hate that she is not happy (that she does not have people to count on to eat dinner with, for example). I am grateful that she is not miserable. I guess it is just that I don’t know how much I should hope for her happiness.</p>
<p>I’m a parent of a kid who transferred after her first year. There’s no absolute answer here. My D was not happy at her original school from the beginning – bad social fit. She did try her best, and didn’t even let us know how unhappy she was until Christmas (although we certainly knew she wasn’t euphoric.) Anyway, I think that by Christmas, your D will have a good sense whether she wants to stay or go. That doesn’t mean things won’t turn around for her second semester, and I hope they do. But if she’s still not comfortable by December, she should begin to think about potential transfer schools and get her applications prepared. It can take some time (more essays, more recs, getting transcript sent, etc.) and most colleges have a March deadline for transfer apps, if I recall correctly. It comes up really quickly. Your daughter may ultimately decide she doesn’t want to transfer, but if she gets the applications done and receives an acceptance she likes, the decision to go or stay at her current school will be hers. If she wavers and doesn’t apply to transfer, she’s stuck, and that’s a bad feeling.</p>
<p>Sometimes, it seems, there is so much hype about which college you got into, that reality hits hard in that first semester. We made a huge mistake w/ S1, and should have listened. Looking back on that time, I think anywhere…anywhere… would have been better. It wasn’t the particular school that was the problem, it was adjusting to being away, adjusting to being at school, adjusting to being there all the time.</p>
<p>It does not get better when your D says that it won’t. Part of this is letting your D figure it out for herself. Let her know that the option to transfer is open to her if she wants, but let her make the first move. Keep communicating with her, offering support and suggestions, but don’t sit up nights worrying about her (if you can help it, I know most parents cant :-)). It can take a long time for something to click or at least get to a manageable medium. Still this is college now, you’ve prepared her well to know her own mind it sounds like, so let her muddle through it for a bit longer and find her own path.</p>
<p>I do sympathize with you. When our kids are miserable, so are we.
Our son discovered that his “dream school” wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be. After the first 6 weeks, he realized that he hated the school. He loved the professors but hated everything else about the place. He started the transfer process in Nov. of his freshman year and had transfer acceptances “in hand” by January. He focused on his academics for the Spring of his freshman year knowing that he had transfer options for the fall sophomore year. </p>
<p>He began his sophomore year at a transfer school and has been happy ever since he stepped foot on his new campus. He’ll graduate in the Spring 2010 and is now filling out graduate school applications. For him, transferring to a school with a different campus environment was key to his college happiness.</p>
<p>Let your daughter take the lead on this situation. For now, listen carefully. You could plant the seed about transferring and see what she thinks about the idea. Sometimes, kids don’t want to bring up transferring because they’re afraid that they parents will think of them as failures for not “loving” their current college.</p>
<p>GracieBee: Believe me, I have talked to scores of people (adults) about freshman unhappiness, and many many of them say that they were very unhappy first semester, but somehow the issue just kind of melted away once they went back in January, or at least became tolerable enough that they could begin to settle in. If you think the school is otherwise a good one for her, and if you can persuade her to return for spring semester, I bet things will improve.</p>
<p>Usually, I would say wait, or have her try new ways to make friends. </p>
<p>But…if this school is really that “greek-heavy” - especially among females - then she would likely have a hard time fitting in there if her goal is to have girlfriends to do things with. It sounds like all the girls who want some kind of social life have pledged. Yes, there may be 30% of girls who haven’t pledged, but they may have steady boyfriends that they do things with, they may have part-time jobs that take a lot of their time, they may commute, or they may just be “into academics” and not have much use for girlfriends. If so, that would only leave a small number of girls left, and she might not “click” with them.</p>
<p>She should probably stay thru the year because if she transfers to a new school in the fall, she’ll have the advantage of all the social events schools plan for new students.</p>
<p>In the meantime…does the school have any community service projects? If so, she could get involved with some and perhaps makes some friends thru there.</p>
<p>I’m actually having the same problem at school here. Plenty of friendly, amazing people, and I love the atmosphere and the general vibe from the student body, but I’m really not clicking with anybody. Love the school and the classes and everything, but it seems I’m perhaps too socially awkward even for Chicago, which . . . is a bit depressing, you can imagine. I try to reach out, but it’s difficult when the person I’m talking to isn’t enthusiastic about the stuff I’m talking about, and vice versa. Gets a bit frustrating, and I think I’ve pretty much given up on finding any especially close friends here. =/</p>
<p>(I will also note that the close friends I have back home? - I’ve been friends with them since the second grade. Maybe it just takes me time . . . ? Ahhhh, it gets rather lonely here, man.) :(</p>
<p>Agree with everything mom2collegekids said in post 11. 70 percent Greek is very significant in establishing the campus atmosphere, and the OP’s d may always feel somewhat isolated from that segment of the population - though Greek/non-Greek status seems most important during the first 2 years at school, in my observation at least. </p>
<p>Service projects are an excellent way to interact with compatible folks. If your d is open to the suggestion, maybe she’d even want to create her own project in an area of special interest.</p>
<p>(((hugs))) to you, neltharion. Give yourself some more time. You’re in an amazing place, and there are people on that campus you will click with eventually. Are you doing community service? Can you find a project looking for another set of hands (which would be most of them)? Physical work takes the edge off of social awkwardness.</p>
<p>Washington and Lee is 70% Greek. Actually I think it’s worse (yep more than 75% according to their own website). I would never go to W&L unless I planned to go Greek.</p>
<p>LasMa – The unhappiness may “melt away” during spring semester, but it may not. I think it’s a dicey idea for a kid to put all his/her eggs in that basket. Best plan of action is to apply to transfer. If the unhappiness does evaporate, wonderful. If not, the student has options for sophomore year. Just knowing she was taking steps to transfer made second semester at her original college more tolerable for my D. (Leaving school after first semester was never an option – not something she proposed, and not something we would have allowed absent the most compelling reason.)</p>
<p>^wjb, excellent advice. That’s exactly what our son did. Having transfer acceptances “in hand” and knowing that he had options available to him made the Spring semester more bearable. Staying for the Spring semester solidified his feelings for that particular campus environment and at the end of the Spring semester, he knew for sure that transferring was the best option for him. </p>
<p>75% Greek Life would be terrible for anyone not a part of the Greek Life. IMO–you may want to plant the seed about sending out a couple of transfer applications. Don’t push it on her, but do bring it up so she realizes that the idea of transferring is OK with you. It’s a good idea to have options should things remain the same at her current school.</p>
<p>As others have noted, 70 percent Greek is a huge presence. While your daughter may not be inclined to join a sorority, perhaps she should be more open to that. All sororities are not alike!</p>
<p>She’s had close relationships with other females in the past; that’s good. For some people, it just takes more time to reach a comfort level.</p>
<p>I feel for your concern. My oldest called last night, something of a rarity. He was just feeling down – school, relationships, money worries. Times are tough, you know? I do wish I could fix it all for him, at least the way I used to try when he was a little one. Now, the best I can do is be a listener and try not to give too much advice or be judgemental. It’s hard; I do feel sad. </p>
<p>Hang in there, you and your daughter, both.</p>
<p>Agree with dbwes, I’d wait for the kiddo. In my S1’s senior class of about 200 a couple years ago, 7 kids came home at Christmas and did not return to their original school. That is a situation, not wanting to even go back for 2nd semester, of a student totally motivated to leave. Others will “stick it out”, come home at Christmas and talk about transferring. Some will do it, others will settle in 2nd semester and never look back. Listen, but let the decision be your child’s decision.</p>