<p>My D is in her last quarter of her first year at a Big 10 school. She is OOS (500 miles from home, which is upstate NY). She likes the school and is comfortable with the size, etc. However, she is incredibly lonely and "disconnected" from the students there. She tells me she's depressed.</p>
<p>Her experience first quarter was positive. She was very social with the girls on her floor, but when she came back after winter break, they began to leave her out. They were nice to her, but never invited her out with them (e.g., to meals, parties, etc.). She joined a sorority and likes the girls very much, but feels her social needs won't be met with them.</p>
<p>She made plans to live in the sorority house in the fall, but is now so worried that it will be a repeat of freshman year, she wants to transfer out and attend a school closer to home.</p>
<p>I think she should give her school and sorority one more shot, but she is against it.
Has anyone here had this experience?</p>
<p>If she says she is depressed, she might be. Why not have her evaluated by a doctor when she comes home? Sometimes kids withdraw and they don’t even know they are doing it; they think others are not including them. Freshman year is a big adjustment.</p>
<p>MD Mom, she is definitely depressed. I don’t think she needs “help” though. This is a very social girl, who never had a problem making or keeping friends. Eating three meals a day alone and spending weekends alone in a dorm would make anyone depressed. She adjusted to college life very quickly. The solitary life is not for her.</p>
<p>Sororities by nature have “built-in” social life. Does she think she picked the wrong sorority? Is she doing things with her future house-mate sorority sisters now or just the freshman that are on her floor?</p>
<p>Was she paired with a big sister? That’s been one of the main pluses of sorority life for my daughters. She usually makes sure the new member is included in social events.</p>
<p>Since your d has good social skills and is active in campus life, I do wonder if clinical depression is responsible for her solitude. You mention that she adjusted to college life quickly, but being so solitary doesn’t show a strong adjustment. I think MD Mom is correct - a professional evaluation is a good idea.</p>
<p>She does have a “big.” She’s been out were her a handful of times. She’s also active with her sorority. She’s volunteered for most of their social events. She never misses anything that they’re involved with. It seems as though they don’t do much socializing outside of the organized events. She had plans with her future roommate this past weekend, but it was outdoor based and got rained out. Neither made alternate plans with one another (which I told my D she should have).</p>
<p>Freshman year is difficult for many kids. I just hung up with my daughter who is very unhappy because she overslept and forgot she needed to observe a class this morning. She’s also exhausted so her response is overly dramatic. My job was to convince her that this wasn’t the end of the world, that life would go on and she’d still be happy and successful even missing this one class observation. These kids are on their own, have to make decisions about everything for the first time (sometimes even deciding where or when to eat becomes overwhelming!). Many of these kids are very hard on themselves and treat each choice or “error” as a crises. Hopefully they learn to relax a bit as time goes on.</p>
<p>Remind your daughter that the friends she made first term were friends of convenience - not really choice. They are freshman in the same dorm, nothing more. Her sorority friends are more likely to have similar interests than her dorm friends.</p>
<p>With my daughter it becomes a cycle - she is unhappy, she loses self-confidence, she becomes more insecure and unhappy. It doesn’t take much to break the cycle, but it does need to be broken. Frazzled1 has a good idea about pursuing activities with her big sister and others from the sorority. Even if it doesn’t pay off immediately, it will in small ways and then suddenly she’ll wake up one day and be too busy.</p>
<p>I think your daughter might be at the same school as mine. Even if she’s not, if it’s a trimester or quarter system she has practically just begun this term. Help her with a plan, that’s what we did during winter break. Have her reach out to the sorority girls or kids in her major if she has one, etc. I feel for you, as I’m in a similar situation, and it does hurt!</p>
<p>Few of us – I not included – are competent to make psychological assessments, and no one is competent to make psychological assessments based on anonymous posts by a parent on an internet discussion forum.</p>
<p>That said . . . editor, why don’t you read what you have written as though you were its editor, not its author? It doesn’t make sense. Your daughter is at a Big 10 university? The smallest such university is Northwestern, with about 10,000 undergraduates. Is there anyplace on Earth where you can put 10,000+ 18-22 year-olds living together and have a pervasive culture of loneliness and isolation? No, there isn’t, but even if there were it wouldn’t be on any known Big 10 campus. That’s not to say that no one is lonely or isolated at a Big 10 university, but if they are it’s not because no social life is available there.</p>
<p>If your daughter once felt friendly with the women in her dorm, but no longer does, and joined a sorority but still feels lonely, isolated, and depressed . . . my guess, at least, is that in this case the depression is causing the isolation, and not the other way around. The story makes a lot more sense that way. Try it out as a hypothesis.</p>
<p>^ I totally agree and was going to write the same thing. </p>
<p>As I see it, at such a large and diverse school, if she’s lonely and not feeling connected, it’s not due to the student body but something within (that is going to go with her where she goes next). So moving is not going to fix anything. </p>
<p>Unless of course you are also suggesting it has something to do with being far from home and maybe being closer will alleviate her mood and assist her in making friends?</p>
<p>It appears the OPs dau may be at a school of almost 50K undergrads. That can be overwhelming. That said, agreed that there may be an interactive issue of the social changes contributing to the sadness which may have led to depression and further isolation. She should talk to someone at her counseling center about how she is feeling and get some support/guidance before she chooses to leave the school. Here is a great website for college students with adjustment issues [Half</a> Of Us : Welcome](<a href=“http://www.halfofus.com/]Half”>http://www.halfofus.com/) If she is truly clinically depressed, while it does get better with time, if it recurs she may have similar feelings at another school. The analogy I like to use is: if you have an eating disorder, it doesn’t matter what food is on your plate. Please have her look at the underlying cause of her mood issues, not just the symptoms. Good luck!</p>
<p>“She joined a sorority and likes the girls very much, but feels her social needs won’t be met with them.”</p>
<p>How so? A sorority, even a residential one, isn’t a magic wand for close friendships. If there isn’t much socializing outside of the organized events, SHE needs to be emailing people and asking them to meet her for lunch, movies, studying together. I agree with JHS that if she doesn’t feel she can do this, the depression may be causing the isolation.</p>
<p>Starbright, I find your last comment hitting the mark. She has told me that if she had the opportunity to come home at times, it would make things better. She is fine during the week, but once Friday afternoon comes, the lonliness sets in because the girls on her floor have excluded her from things. Personally, I think she has shut herself off because she’s afraid of disappoinment and rejection and is frightened that it may happen with the yound ladies in the sorority.</p>
<p>She has told me that early in the year a girl on her floor told her she was hesitant to approach her. When my D asked why the girl responded because she is from NY. How do you combat that?</p>
<p>editor, if she is depressed she may not be able to do what non-depressed social people do to have a social life. You aren’t really at your wits’ end, you just don’t like the next logical step that your wits are presenting to you. If for some reason she can’t follow elementary social coaching (that she never needed before anyway), maybe it’s time to see whether something is interfering with her ability to take social coaching, or to self-coach on her social life.</p>
<p>She tells you she’s depressed; she can’t/won’t follow advice to improve her loneliness.</p>
<p>Maybe telling you she’s depressed was as big a step that she can take at this time.</p>
<p>I suggest:
Tell her to go to the Student Health Center and speak with a counselor about her concerns for depression.
Be sure she remains enrolled at her college for Fall semester, even if she does investigate transferring.
Schedule a physical exam for early this summer.
If she is unable to return in the fall, pursue a medical leave of absence.</p>
<p>It is probably close to exam time and the stress may be bleeding over into her ability to study/concentrate. If she wont talk to a counselor, have her talk to her peer counselor or whoever is assigned as the upperclassman who helps the freshman in her dorm. Let her know you are there for her, but it isnt reasonable to discuss transferring until she does this.</p>
<p>I also wonder if girls on her floor have not included her in things recently because they assume that since she joined a sorority, she is more interested in doing things with her sorority than with her dorm-mates. If people on the floor know she will not be living with them next year, they might be focusing their friendship efforts on those who have not already pledged to live and socialize elsewhere. Just a thought?</p>
<p>Freshman girls in college are sort of like middle school girls. Friendships form and dissolve quickly, there can be backstabbing again, and it’s an emotional roller coaster. </p>
<p>It’s equally likely that the OPs D might have said or done something to cause the other girls to not want to do things with her.</p>
<p>Generally, friends are easy to have in college and people usually like eating dinner with others. But it doesn’t take much to overdo it, or say the wrong thing to the wrong person, or any of a number of things and to have it all fall apart.</p>
<p>I don’t think there is anything wrong with a young person discovering she doesn’t want to be so far from home. The isolation may be an issue and a general feeling of agita with no safety net may add to the depressive feelings.</p>
<p>If she’s saying she wants to transfer to a school closer to home, then why not? It’s not like she’s asking to come home to live. That would be a bigger red flag IMO.</p>
<p>Neither of my kids wanted to be far from home; they each wanted it to be possible for us to see them and come home without spending the night. We didn’t see them much – one or twice a semester at the most, and they didn’t come home, but that’s what they wanted.</p>
<p>Some kids are more self-reliant.</p>
<p>After college my D went a good distance away for this year, but she is coming back to NY because she really misses it (and maybe me, but probably not.)</p>
<p>S is making plans to go into the Peace Corps, so he is ready now.</p>
<p>Growth comes at different rates for different people.</p>
<p>My S has always had separation anxiety. When they took a school sponsored trip in sixth grade parents were not allowed to chaperone and there was to be no cell phone contact. My H went to a motel about five miles from the site just to give S security that he could be there quickly if needed. They never spoke during the week, but it was enough security that S got through the week and began his separation process.</p>
<p>For those whose kids good far away and do well – that’s obviously ideal. I’m am not advocating for having kids close. I am just saying that some kids do better in that situation.</p>
<p>I want to thank you all! Your advice has been invaluable. </p>
<p>whatever4: a number of the girls on her floor are also in sororities and very active with them. She’s knows that is part of it, but they still socialize among themselves when not with their respective sororities. </p>
<p>There is a definite issue with the dorm girls. Early in winter quarter she had set plans to go out with a girl who she thought was a friend. That evening, the girl ditched her and went out with another girl on the floor. Why would someone do that?</p>
<p>She is definitely going to register for autumn quarter and purchase her football tickets for next season just in case she changes her mind. </p>
<p>Tonight she has a chapter meeting and plans on speaking with the president. I hope she’s able to give her advice.</p>