SAT essay - 1st shot (?/6)

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Please read then score this essay on a 1-6 scale. This is shot #1.</p>

<p>Do people need to compare themselves with others in order to appreciate what they have?</p>

<p>To compare oneself to others never truly makes them happy with what they have. Contrarily, it weakens their ambition and transform them into pseudo-satisfied human beings, not striving for greatness anymore.</p>

<p>As demonstrated by George Orwell in his 1984, accepting one's reality and contenting oneself with such a negative comparison can never be fruitful. The fictional London in which the events of the story take place is ruled by a totalitarian government whose objective is controlling the way people think and act for the pure sake of exercising power. Had the main character, Winston Smith, accepted his reality and given himself that illusion of happiness-which is partially true compared to his incarcerated peers having to endure the unimaginable-, his life would have been just as dull, and the plot wouldn't have even existed. It is sad that he, ultimately, had to forsake his principles because of the torture the government had made him go through, but it would have been ever more pathetic and passive of him to just remain still. </p>

<p>Not only is this notion of constant search for improvement present in literature. It is also inferred from the acts and thoughts of many political leaders. For example, Abraham Lincoln, who believed in a peaceful and harmonic society, didn't dwell on how important the American Revolution was, or how good a feeling it was to overthrow the British. Of course, it is enough for some, but not for the ambitious and idealist. For Lincoln, having 13 independent states was not enough, and with the South seceding, he believed it was time for acting. He chose his Second Inaugural Address to present the nation with a heart-melting speech, reminding everyone of the purpose of the revolution and of the violence of war. Although only one month later, he was assassinated and had never had the opportunity to witness the incarnation of what he preached, his words of healing put the nation on the right course. </p>

<p>Personally, I had a friend named Carla who had lost an arm in a terrible car accident. She was amputated for life and became hopeless for a while. The main reason for her sadness was her love for the piano, and these overwhelming feelings had led her to accept who she had become. Only afterwards did she realize she had been wrong, that it's still possible, and that "accepting" the new Carla was actually suffocating the real one, with all her dreams and expectations. Years afterwards, we met. Amazingly, she had managed to become one of the greatest pianists I have ever had the chance to meet. Suppose Carla had taken the passive stance, and had compared herself to those whose case is worse than hers; she would have never become truly happy.</p>

<p>These examples support the fact that, indeed, in order for us to improve - which is the ultimate objective of the human existence -, the only option for us would be not to dwell much on how many persons we know are worse. This of course, is advantageous for own sense of modesty. However, striving for greatness is something we always need to have in mind.</p>

<p>Done in 19 minutes. Feel free to say anything you have in mind. It is my job to choose the good, so feel free to talk trash. It's alright.</p>

<p>Thank you so much.</p>

2

<p>Brilliant essay.
Thoughtfully written, really conveys what you are trying to say.
The most intriguing one was the third example; it touched me. ( Hope it isn’t real )<br>
Will easily get a 10.
I will give you 11. </p>

<p>To get 12, I guess you will have to go deeper ( and discuss just two examples or perhaps only one )… Well that’s what I think …
Good luck !</p>

3

<p>Thank you sir. I will work on that.</p>

<p>By deeper, do you mean write a longer essay with more reasoning put into it ?</p>

<p>Edit: Yeah, the example isn’t real. Although I’ve heard of people like that, I have never had the opportunity of knowing one. I hope it’s okay to presume I knew someone personally for a personal-experience type of example. </p>

<p>Do you really think one example could get a 12 ? I thought the more examples you give, the higher the grade. People I’ve read have always insisted on putting 3.</p>

4

<p>Yes, that’s what I meant when I said go deeper. </p>

<p>Tell more why the counterpart is not true even if there are possibilities. </p>

<p>Yes, from what I have seen, it’s essays with a single example that get a perfect score than those with the multiple examples. It always gives you more room to think critically, reason every thing you say, keep it modest, cogent and convincing. Not to mention a depth writing you get to brilliantly reason your point.
However, there’s no hard and fast rule.
I have always thought 3 examples redundant. You can actually convey your message very well in just 2 examples ( and with well … I mean very well). </p>

<p>Good luck !</p>

5

<p>The Orwell example is a reach. First, it’s not real. You can prove nothing about real life with a fictional example. Second, it’s hardly about Smith comparing himself at all.</p>

<p>The Lincoln example would improve if you at least used a word like “compare” or “comparison” in the paragraph, and emphasized that concept more. What I took away from that paragraph was that Lincoln made a great speech and got assassinated. Everyone knows that.</p>

<p>The third example should mention comparison much earlier.</p>

<p>The essay seems to think that accepting ones circumstances is the opposite of comparison to another. It isn’t always. You need to make that connection clear.</p>

<p>Lesson learned: repeat key terms and emphasize the concept(s) you identify in your thesis statement. It’s the only way to ensure that you and your reader can follow your logic.</p>

6

<p>Were you able to write this in the given two sides of paper? Or, was it typed? </p>

<p>I think that makes a big difference, since the essay you’ve written seems quite long and fitting it within the given space might have been problematic.</p>

7

<p>This is fairly well written, but almost none of it pertains to the assignment.</p>

8

<p>@WasatchWriter Thank you. I’ll try to do what you said. This is my first time ever practicing writing, and I really need some constructive criticism. Do you think elaborating on only two examples with going deep into the matter would make my essay look better. I’ll give you that, I’m not good with examples because I’m not involved in the American way of life.</p>

<p>@engarde I am just trying to get comfortable with the SAT essay prompts, so I typed this. I’m actually worried if I’ll be able to fill out the two pages on exam day.</p>

<p>@jkjeremy Can you elaborate on that ? I’d love to hear from you. Basically, my point was that we should stop comparing ourselves to the ones beneath us at any field of life. That actually, we should never dwell too much on what we have since our ultimate objective is to continually transcend our limits. </p>

<p>Thanks a lot guys, I really appreciate the help.</p>

9

<p>Two in-depth examples should work OK, as long as they really are in-depth. My impression of the SAT topics is that they are universal enough that they should not require specific knowledge of American culture. Examples drawn from your own experiences and culture should work fine.</p>

10

<p>But what would you prefer ? I’d say I’m better a critical thinker than a general culture guy. I can write pages on one example, but not examples of many pages.</p>

<p>Should I stick to the 3 example outline or write a 2-page-long 2-example essay ?</p>

11

<p>Just some small grammar things: “whose” should not be used to refer to government (I believe anyway, correct me if I’m wrong), and when you use "-"s, you only need to use the first one (as in, you do not need to do “-which was the only thing…-,”; you can remove the last “-”.</p>

<p>Overall, it is strong as it is and I would give it a 10/12. However, if you are stronger at sticking to less examples, I would recommend using 2 body paragraphs and going more in detail and connecting more to your thesis and the prompt. Do whichever gives you a more convincing argument, which, for many, is the 2 body paragraph essay with more explanation.</p>

12

<p>To elaborate…</p>

<p>In terms of content, I have the following questions:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Who in 1984 is comparing him or herself to someone else? In what ways does this comparison detract from his appreciation of what he already has?</p></li>
<li><p>With whom does Lincoln compare himself and how does this comparison detract from his ability to appreciate what he has?</p></li>
<li><p>The Carla story is compelling but again I can’t see how or where she compares herself to others (and in turn prevents herself from appreciating what she has).</p></li>
<li><p>There’s too much “would have.” </p></li>
</ol>

<p>Here’s what I see with regard to other aspects of this:</p>

<p>VOCABULARY: </p>

<p>—Several words are either misused or ill-chosen.
—Often it looks like you’re looking for a synonym.</p>

<p>GRAMMAR: </p>

<p>—There are some sophisticated and effective phrasings. However, I also see some unclear references and agreement issues.</p>

<p>—On occasion you use “x” number of words when “x-minus-something” would have sufficed. In other words, sometimes you aren’t economical with your words.</p>

<p>OVERALL:</p>

<p>19 minutes. Wow…pretty thorough considering how little time you spent on this.</p>

13

<p>Jeremy, my thesis is not : Comparison doesn’t make us appreciate what we have. It’s, if I remember correctly : Downward comparison shouldn’t even be done, if not to remind oneself of humility. To strive for greatness means to do the best one can do, and such comparisons hinder that purpose.</p>

<p>I guess I wasn’t clear enough, I still have that problem where I’m waiting for other to fill up logic gaps for me. Thanks for the help.</p>