SAT essay feedback??

Test Preparation
1

<p>Hi guys,
Could you guys read my practice SAT essay and give it a grade from 0-12? I'm sorry if it is a little long.</p>

<p>Here is the prompt: "Is it important to question the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view........"</p>

<p>Here is my essay:
It is important to question the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority for the well being of the common people. Myriad examples from literature, media, and my personal life clearly elucidate that people in positions of authority often deserve to be questioned.
In the television show Glee, Sue asks Mr. Schuester to give her his setlist for a music competition known as Sectionals. Sue, in a sense, has control over Mr. Schuester. Rather than considering the possible consequences of revealing the setlist, he mindlessly gives Sue the entire setlist and, as a result, the Glee club faces several quagmires at the competition. Had Mr. Schuester questioned Sue's intentions, the Glee club would not have faced such abominable catastrophies during the competition, despite being solidly prepared.
In the novel Know Your Ways, written in 1972, Franklin Parks is commited of murder. Rather than be convicted, Franklin demands a thorough DNA test, which reveals that he is not the murderer. If Franklin did not request an exacting DNA test and trusted the official's statement, he would be undeservantly suffering in jail.
The importance of questioning authorities is also demonstrated by my experiences at school. A few years ago, I recall feeling devastated after receiving an 81 on an AP Biology test. Rather than checking to see if any errors were made by the teacher in grading it, I simply took the grade as it was. A few weeks later, when it was too late, I realized that my teacher graded my paper wrong and that I actually deserved an 89. Had I been more queestioning of my teacher, a person in authority over me, I would have received a higher grade in Biology that year.
After a careful analysis of Glee, Know Your Ways, and personal anecdotes, questioning the people in positions of authority is indeed important in maintaining the happiness and well-being of other people. If people do not question the claims of authorities, many fatal mistakes will be made, and groups or societies will fall apart as a result.</p>

<p>Thank you!</p>

2

<p>This essay would probably get an 8/12</p>

<p>I think you have the right idea of how to write an SAT essay, you just need to work on smoothing out your wording. In other words, the information contained in your essay is perfectly valid, it just needs to be transferred into a less “awkward” essay. For example, your intro could be made less sharp and bumpy if you start out with the classic “upside down triangle” technique. Start out with very broad statements concerning the topic and then narrow down to your thesis. In addition to fixing up your thesis, you could also improve the wording of some of your sentences. I know this is tough to do in the short time you have to write an SAT essay, but in time it will come more naturally. For example, your last sentence could be re written “If society continues to passively allow authorities to act without questioning the validity of their actions, many preventable mistakes will continue to occur. We the people must become aware of this insidious disfunction that is present in many situations. Although this problem usually seems harmless, one overlooked mistake could have the potential to claim a human life.”</p>

3

<p>I agree, it would probably get around an 8, maybe a 9.
The intro could use something more interesting to start rather than simply restating the prompt. Try practicing coming up with hook sentences for any topic–things like rhetorical questions, scenarios, or common sayings/quotes. Anything that will lead the reader into your thesis without saying it in the first sentence.
You should also expand on your conclusion. It’s very ‘cookie cutter’-like in my opinion. You simply stated your examples and thesis. ^-- I liked what jd989898 said.
Overall it’s well organized, clean of grammar mistakes, and concise. I just think you need to work on intro and conclusion. Also try to vary your sentence structure a little bit more.</p>