SAT Essay Rating and advice

Test Preparation
1

<p>Hey guys,
This is my SAT essay that I did for the collegeboard practice test. Could anyone rate this for me, or give me some constructive criticism on how to improve it?
Also, when I took this test, I scored well in math and reading, but missing 4 questions in writing dropped me to 710. Could someone give me advice on how to improve in writing?
Thank you!</p>

<p>PROMPT:
Nowadays nothing is private: our culture has become too confessional and self-expressive. People think that to hide one’s thoughts or feelings is to pretend not to have those thoughts or feelings. They assume that honesty requires one to express every inclination and impulse.
Adapted from J. David Velleman, "The Genesis of Shame"</p>

<p>ASSIGNMENT
Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<p>The term privacy often is used in a physical sense, with regard to our person and belongings. However, it is far more relevant with regard to our thoughts and actions. Ultimately, society's willingness to relinquish privacy of our thoughts and opinions determines how far we advance. Despite opposition, only through the reception of differing opinions can we grow as a society. </p>

<p>Senator Wendy Davis provides compelling evidence for such a declaration. In the midst of Texas, a Conservative dominated state, Davis stood out as a pro-choice advocate with regard to abortion. On June 25th, 2013, with the whole of the legislation against her, Senator Wendy filibustered for 10 hours straight in an attempt to delay the passing of the bill until past midnight. The revelation of her opinions on abortion, and the degree to which she believed in them, placed her in an invidious position fighting for a cause many believed to be lost. However, her willingness to accept these consequences and the passion of her beliefs led many onlookers to began cheering and shouting, which drowned out the voices of the legislation and successfully delayed the passing of the bill until past midnight. </p>

<p>The essential point to understand about Senator Davis is the consequences of her actions. She knew full well that such a course of action in a red-dominated state would have dire repercussions, and understood that she would initially be leading a vanguard of one person in this fight. However, her refusal to back down inspired many others, and eventually led to her success. Revealing her thoughts and opinions and releasing her privacy was a risky move, but it inspired her actions. It turned her into a symbol, rather than a single person. The issue of abortion is a complex matter, but her actions ensured that now, there would be two opinions on the table. It takes great courage to break our privacy of our own accord, but that courage is what defines us and separates the good from the great. The constant pressure of society to conform creates a box around each and every person. Our willingness to break this box and relinquish our privacy ultimately defines us as people. Although our opinions and thoughts may not be well received, breaking our privacy ensures that they will be considered. True success, in this case, requires that we rebel against conformity and place ourselves on the table.</p>

2

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<p>Why I didn’t rate higher:

  • Off topic. I don’t see what this has to do with privacy. You didn’t answer the question. Please note, you risk getting a 0 here.
  • Lacked structure. Wanders. </p>

<p>Suggestions:

  • Start by answering the question. Take a stand, yes or no.<br>
  • First paragraph summarizes your position
  • Next paragraphs argue it.</p>
3

<p>The prompt said should we can an effort to make things private. I’m guessing that you said no, but the example is unclear. It doesn’t fit with the prompt. If the reader has to guess what your position, then it’s not written correctly. I agree with mitchklong.</p>

4

<p>I agree as well. The question asked whether or not people should make more of an effort to keep their personal thoughts private.</p>

<p>You answered the question in a very roundabout and circuitous (to use an SAT word) way.</p>

<p>Although it was well written, the SAT people will not award you a single point of credit if they feel you ignored the question. You also tend to use big words somewhat awkwardly.</p>

5

<p>It was a good example… Just not for this prompt. If you just re read it to yourself I think you’ll be able to tell how you’re really stretching to fit it into the question. It might also be beneficial if you used more than one example.</p>

6

<p>I know it may seem hard for you, but I think you should just create a whole new essay format. The “one example essay” does not usually score that high on the SAT, unless it is a really amazing example/written extremely well/etc. . What I think you should do is switch to a 3 example format, but explain each example less, and get to the point about each example quicker. I used that format, and it got me a 12, so it definitely does work. Just come up with a catalogue of examples beforehand that can be molded into any essay (this forum can really helphttp://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/645763-how-write-12-essay-just-10-days.html) </p>

<p>But there is certain things I disagree with on the forum. You don’t need 25 examples. I was fine only having about 6, but pretty much everything else on the forum is really helpful. </p>

<p>Another thing that might help you if you have trouble coming up with examples quickly on the SAT day: use fake examples. That’s what I did, and it made it so much easier. All I did was use real events that occured in history, but then I focused in on a specific aspect of that event, which was completely made up, but that could be molded into anything (like a real war, then focusing in on a war general). </p>

<p>And finally, the SAT essay is not only about how well it is written. Studies have proven that the longer the essay, the greater chance of a high score, so write as much as you can as quickly as you can, and make sure that you use a good amount of vocabulary. And definitely make sure that your examples are all varied (don’t have all 3 examples from the same period of history…things like that) It’s good to use at least one literature example, so make sure that you have the synopsis’ of some good books memorized to be used. If you wanna read my 12 essay to see how I actually utilized this stuff, it’s at the bottom of the 10th page here:<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/409070-sample-sat-12-essays.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/409070-sample-sat-12-essays.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

7

<p>Thanks a lot for the advice guys!
Also, satman, thanks for the link to your essay, it’s helping a lot.</p>

8

<p>Remember to respond directly to the question: DO NOT get confused by the quote.
Your thesis statement should be designed as a clear and direct answer to the question. </p>

<p>Lets see how this conversation went.</p>

<p>Prompt: “Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private?”
Your response: “Despite opposition, only through the reception of differing opinions can we grow as a society.”</p>

<p>Can you see where you went wrong?</p>

9

<p>I can see where I made that mistake. Do you think I could still have the same idea, if I did it differently? What I was trying to say is we shouldn’t make an effort to keep things more private, we should do the exact opposite, because stating our personal views on a matter can ultimately have a great impact.
For instance, could I simply say no, then throw out examples like 12 Angry Men, Galileo, Nelson Mandela, etc., and talk about how their willingness to bring their thoughts into the open ended up being beneficial in the long run?</p>

10

<p>Also, this is a new essay I wrote. Could someone see if this one is topical and better than the last one? </p>

<p>PROMPT: Traditionally, the term “heroism” has been applied to those who brave physical danger to defend a cause or to protect others. But one of the most feared dangers people face is that of disapproval by their family, peers, or community. Sometimes acting courageously requires someone to speak out at the risk of such rejection. We should consider those who do so true heroes. </p>

<p>ASSIGNMENT: Should heroes be defined as people who say what they think when we ourselves lack the courage to say it? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>

<pre><code>Heroes are people who speak out when others lack the courage. Speaking out can expand our perception and create new possibilities. Evidence for this is provided in literature, philosophy, and modern day politics.

In the 1957 drama 12 Angry Men, Juror 8 personifies a hero due to his willingness to speak out. This film features twelve jurors, set to judge a murder case in which overwhelming evidence dictates that a teenage boy killed his father. As the jurors require unanimity to declare judgment, they take a preliminary vote in which only Juror 8 votes innocent, refusing to judge a boy’s life without discussion. As he speaks out against the eleven other men, he gradually shows that the evidence provided was not entirely valid. Some of the men have personal prejudices against the teen but they eventually unanimously agree that there is room for “reasonable doubt,” demanding a vote of innocent. Juror 8’s willingness to speak out in front of prejudice and bigotry ultimately saves a boy’s life.

The decisive actions of Voltaire illustrate how speech can define heroism. Voltaire was an outspoken philosopher who denounced tyranny and repression publicly in an age when such actions could get one killed. His attacks on the French government’s censorship resulted in his exile from France and several death threats. At this time, most people were terrified of publicly speaking against such institutions due to the high level of risk involved. Voltaire’s denouncing of the crown was risky, but he truly believed in his ideals and was adamant in speaking out. His contributors to modern democracy have elevated him to a heroic level, because his incessant speaking out ensured that his brilliant ideas could have an impact in the present day. Thus Voltaire’s actions prove how the courage to speak up defines a hero.

As shown by Senator Wendy Davis’s determined filibustering against Pro Life laws, the courage to speak up defines a hero. Senator Davis, a longtime pro-choice advocate on the subject of abortion, was faced with potential pro-life laws to be enacted in Texas. In a conservative, red dominated state, these laws were almost certain to pass. However, Senator Davis refused to back down, and began a ten-hour filibuster to stall the vote until after midnight, at which point a vote would no longer be valid. Despite overwhelming opposition, her determination inspired crowds, who cheered so loudly the legislators were deafened and failed to pass the bill. To the onlookers, Davis was a hero, due to her willingness to speak out when others lacked the courage to do so.

A deliberate analysis of 12 Angry Men, Voltaire, and Senator Davis proves that those with the courage to speak out are, indeed, the heroes of our society. Regardless of whether we agree with what heroes have to say, their willingness to speak out defines them and separates them from the commonwealth. Such rare souls inspire us to better ourselves and make us remember that a single word is more powerful than an ocean of silence.
</code></pre>

11

<p>This is a much stronger and better constructed essay.
You do a lot of things well here:</p>

<ul>
<li>Excellent, clear thesis statement and a concise introduction. </li>
<li>Free of major grammatical errors and spelling errors.</li>
<li>Examples are used to SHOW the reader your points instead of simply telling the reader. </li>
<li>Your conclusion rephrases your thesis in an original manner and nicely concludes your points. </li>
<li>Mature command of language and use of vocabulary. </li>
</ul>

<p>Thing to improve: </p>

<ul>
<li>Add transitions that connect your body paragraphs. Your ideas should neatly flow. </li>
<li>Vary your sentence structure: you have many overly long sentences with excessive comma usage. Try breaking some apart to achieve variety between long and short sentences. </li>
<li>Vary your examples. All three of your examples relate to legal/historical instances. Variety appeals to the reader and shows you have a larger scope of understanding. </li>
</ul>

<p>With a few small improvements, I am sure that this will be a six scoring essay.</p>

12

<p>Thanks!
For the transitions, how would you suggest smoothly starting between paragraphs? I’m not quite sure how to relate ideas between paragraphs…do you have any ideas?
Also, for variety on examples, would the example Julia Butterfly Hill be better to replace, say, Wendy Davis? Environmental activist who spoke out and managed to save an entire forest of redwoods.
Thanks!</p>

13

<p>Had a few flaws (as the people above noted): 4</p>

14

<p>Are yo referring to the first essay or the second essay?</p>