SAT Essay, Score?

Can people have too much enthusiasm? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

Individuals with an immense amount of enthusiasm can pose a qualm. Too much of anything can prompt negative behavior and implications. For instance, having too much enthusiasm can induce extreme measures, which could be crucially influential. There are an abundant amount of examples in society where this occurrence is prevalent. All in all, possessing an exorbitant amount of enthusiasm can serve as a negative matter.

I myself have experienced the problem of having too much enthusiasm. My family was throwing a surprise birthday for my sister and I got too wrapped up in the planning. I intended on perfection throughout and expected full commitment from my entire family. You could say that I went a bit overboard. In the end, the party turned out to be a disaster due to my over anticipated expectations. If I would have just stuck with the conventional standards, the event would have been a complete success. All in all, my experience with my sister’s surprise party was one in which I expressed too much enthusiasm and this made matters turn for the worst. 

Furthermore, having too much enthusiasm is a wide-spread issue in sports. At the beginning of a season, all fans are extremely excited and elated for the upcoming season. Many fans set unlikely and unprecedented expectations for their teams. Their enthusiasm is far-fetched, and then when their team struggles to met their lofty expectations, the fans are highly upset. I have actually experienced this situation myself and can tell you how depressing it can be. In conclusion, having too much enthusiasm can lead to unrealistic expectations, which can induce dissatisfaction when don’t go as planned. 

Moreover, this theme was portrayed in “The Great Gatsby”. Mr. Gatsby displayed an immense amount of enthusiasm towards his secret lover Daisy. This show of affection would come back to hurt Gatsby because Daisy’s husband, Tom, eventually realized what was happening. In return, this would lead to several unnecessary events, such as Gatsby’ s death. In conclusion, expressing a prodigious amount of enthusiasm can cause a multiple of negative occurrences, as exemplified in “The Great Gatsby”. 

In summary, having too much enthusiasm can be detrimental. Being over enthusiastic could lead to let downs and might even induce harmful situations. Possessing this characteristic could lead an individual to go beyond their means and do things that wouldn’t in a traditional setting. In short, having enthusiasm is a positive, but having too much of it could prompt negative implications. 

Individuals with an immense amount of enthusiasm can pose a qualm.
That’s not what qualm means.

For instance, having too much enthusiasm can induce extreme measures, which could be crucially influential.
How is this a “for instance” when you just said more vague things?

All in all, possessing an exorbitant amount of enthusiasm can serve as a negative matter.
None of your intro MEANS anything – you just repeat your thesis multiple times. Abundant examples? Like what?

In the end, the party turned out to be a disaster due to my over anticipated expectations.
How?

All in all, my experience with my sister’s surprise party was one in which I expressed too much enthusiasm and this made matters turn for the worst.
You just used “all in all” in the last paragraph.
Also, many of your phrases sound slightly off for some reason. “Turn for the worst” --> “take a turn for the worse”? “having too much enthusiasm can induce extreme measures, which could be crucially influential” --> what does this even mean? Too much enthusiasm can make stuff happen and that may or may not matter??

I have actually experienced this situation myself and can tell you how depressing it can be.
So far you have two personal examples. Try to avoid them. They’re rarely impressive or convincing.

which can induce dissatisfaction when don’t go as planned.
When WHAT don’t go as planned? You’re missing a subject.

this would lead to several unnecessary events
Vague again.

In conclusion
These are bad enough in the actual conclusion. Find a less clunky way to transition between paragraphs.

a multiple of
That’s not how you use that word.

In summary
stop

let downs

  • letdowns

go beyond their means
What?

do things that wouldn’t in a traditional setting
Do things that wouldn’t WHAT?

Overall, you seem to have focused more on vocabulary than content. Big words mean nothing if you use them incorrectly or if you don’t use them to make a point. The introduction is SO VAGUE. It’s making the same bland statement over and over again. Each other paragraph does the same. “In conclusion, (thesis).” “All in all, (thesis).” Don’t just reiterate your claim – PROVE it. HOW was your sister’s party a disaster? HOW are sports fans upset? You keep saying how excessive enthusiasm leads to negative consequences/instances/occurrences/incidents/implications/matters/measures (put down the thesaurus). What are these consequences? They float around the edges of the essay like mysterious ghosts or something. “Bad things will happen! Believe me! Who knows what things, really, but it’ll happen!” It’s all just empty threats unless you prove it to us.