SAT Essay!

<p>Hi,</p>

<p>Want to grade my essay? I wrote it in 20 minutes.
Prompt:
There is, of course, no legitimate branch of science that enables us to predict the future accurately. Yet the degree of change in the world is so overwhelming and so promising that the future, I believe, is far brighter than anyone has contemplated since the end of the Second World War.”
Adapted from Allan E. Goodman, A Brief History of the Future: The United Stated in a Changing World Order.
Is the world changing for the better?</p>

<p>Over the last few centuries, many aspects of the world have changed. The outcome? Weapons that undermine us, as well as advanced medicine that fosters our health. This new technology millennium has created novel inventions—ranging from harmful to facilitating. A few epitomes of how new technology can be harmful can be manifested in literature, such as Lord of the Flies, by William Golding, and Life of Pi, by Yann Martel, while paradigms in history, such as the invention of reading and writing, depict how new discoveries can foster learning.</p>

<p>Lord of the Flies by William Golding highlights how new technology can lamentably have a harmful ramification. Piggy, one of the stranded boys, ownsa a pair of glasses, which had were somewhat new at the time, since his vision was not very good without them. When the boys become stranded on the island. They realize that the glasses can be used to start a fire. At first, the boys return the glasses to Piggy when they have finished with them, but as they become more desperate to escape, Piggy is ambushed and his glasses stolen. This leads to Piggy walking around on his own, unable to see anything, and getting crushed by a boulder. Had his glasses not been invented, the boys would not have stolen Piggy’s glasses to start the fire, and so Piggy would not have died. </p>

<p>The invention of reading and writing, conversely, depicts how novelty ideas can foster intelligence and preservation of history. Before writing was introduced, stories were passed down from generation to generation verbally. However, these anecdotes would sometimes be forgotten, thus being lost in history. When writing was unveiled, storytellers were able to freeze their chronicles in time, ensuring that they would be remembered. Without the new idea od writing and reading, it is irrefutable that much of our history would be lost, and that we would not exercise our brains enough, implicating in unintelligence.</p>

<p>Life of Pi by Yann Martel also epitomizes how inventions can undermine people. The antagonist, Pi, lives in India with his zookeeper father, who decides one day to travel to Canada with Pi and his zoo animals. On board in the collection of animals is a huge Bengal tiger, that is stored in a new cage that is designed to hold tigers. Having the tiger in a newly invented cage gives Pi and his father a fallacious sense of security, so it is a surprise to them when the tiger escapes, putting everyone on board in danger of being killed. The sailors lure Pi onto a lifeboat, which contains the tiger. Had the cage not been a new invention, Pi’s father would not have relied so much on it, and Pi would still be on board with his father.
It is ostensible that while some inventions may facilitate us, others—although they may sound helpful—result in problematic dilemmas. As the epitomes have exemplified, the change in this world is for the better, as well as for the worst. Contrary to Allan E. Goodman’s doctrine, “The degree change in the world…is so promising.”, the change will not always be positive. Surely, although changes in the world may be positive, there will always be negative side effects as well. After all, Tylenol may cure a headache, but it evokes sleeplessness! </p>

<p>What do you think? Out of 6? And what should I improve? It isn't my strongest essay, I know.
Thanks.</p>

<p>w.t.f. </p>

<p>you wrote that in 20 mins? I mean i am definitely not reading that but by looking at the length i would say you got that aspect down, and wouldn’t get less than a 4.</p>

<p>It’s not really grade-able because it’s just not a realistic essay, but I do have a few comments.</p>

<h1>1 - it’s WAY too long. You may have typed that in 20 minutes, but if you hand wrote that, it would take up several pages. Remember, you’ve got only two pages to work with.</h1>

<h1>2 - be VERY careful of your usage of “big words.” Sometimes, your use of the word isn’t quite right (or even flat out wrong). You use epitome over and over, and not always appropriately. If you’re not sure, always err on the side of safety and use words that are clear and you know make sense. And brush up on your vocabulary before the test, so you know what those words mean!</h1>

<h1>3 - you’re not really responding to the assignment. I don’t know what your position is, since you argue both sides. While it is possible to write a great essay that talks about more than one position, you may not be a good enough writer to pull it off. And that’s OK! I generally recommend that my students pick a side and go with it, even if it’s not the position they truly agree with. Go with the position that you can come up with the best examples of.</h1>

<h1>4 - your examples are over-detailed, and it’s a little unclear how they relate to the assignment. I know your thesis is that technology can be both harmful and helpful, but how exactly does that relate to whether the world is getting better? And PLEASE resist the need to discuss literature/history/etc. This approach can be fine if the examples are right on target, but your discussion of how Piggy’s glasses caused his death is really a stretch for your topic. I’ve read wonderful essays that talked about nothing but personal experiences, so don’t be afraid to use them. All your examples have to be is relevant - they don’t have to be academic.</h1>

<h1>5 - avoid quoting the initial quote in your essay! The readers hate it, and it just wastes your time and space.</h1>

<p>Why don’t you give it another try, handwriting it and coming up with less forced examples? Then let us grade that one. Good luck.</p>