Hello all,
Having visited a few boarding schools, there are some topics I’ve wondered about that are probably best asked to other parents. I’m not coming at this with any sort of agenda. Rather, I want to know what kind of conversations I need to have with my kid before they depart to boarding school. My kids are rather naive about these topics, and I’m concerned that once they are at boarding school there is not much opportunity for parents to provide input on day to day life choices. That said, I ask fellow parents:
Do boarding school health units dispense birth control? If so, how? Is it just "there's a bowl of condoms over there - grab some" or is there more serious counselling that goes into this? Would parents be notified if a student is prescribed birth control?
Do boarding school health units offer or require general physical exams for students? What about gynecological services for female students?
Let's be real. How much sleeping around goes on among students at boarding schools today? My only data point on this (from someone who graduated in the late 1980's from an all-girls school) was rather shocking, but may be an outlier or a reflection of the era.
As a parent of a current student, I could tell you what I think I know about #3, but that is likely to be as accurate as a fairy tale in a children’s book.
That being said, my childhood friends and I all lived under our parents’ roofs and they had as much of a fairy tale understanding of what we were doing at that age.
As for medical exams, you’ll have to provide a physician’s sign off on a medical report and be up to date on vaccinations (I believe specific requirements are governed by state law). They don’t do regular physicals on campus but will do things like a strep test if a kid comes to the health center ill. At DS’s school they do some health education (including on drug and also hip abuse) as supplemental programming, but I’m not sure about handing out condoms. That’s about the extent of my knowledge.
At our school, the handbook clearly states that all forms of sexual activity, “including oral sex” [sorry], are forbidden and grounds for expulsion. They do not hand out condoms, and I am not sure about prescribing birth control, though there are many reasons why a young woman might go on BCPs, and so that might be something they would refer out for. (The NPs staff the health center, though there is an MD on call. I think most girls would prob go to their primary care/OBGYN for gyn care.) That said, our school also has a robust “human development” program that all 10th graders take part in. Frank, honest, “no question too explicit” discussion, according to my DS. While they are not shy about sex or the incidence of teens having it, they are clear about expectations for behavior on campus.
As far as I can tell (as a BS alium and the mom of current and former students), Ski ^^ sums it up about right. At our “no-strike” school, kids have to understand the consequences.
Just so we’re clear on concept, I believe that every boarding school has a prohibition on sexual activity, but it happens. The consequences of being caught, though, will vary by school. Very few schools are one-strike schools.
FWIW…I think there is more action at the local high school than at boarding school. I think, in our area, this has to do with freedom and independence at home. Also having a car in high school at home. In our area, students are driving at 16 and have a lot of freedom. Someone last year on CC wrote about access to birth control on campus, but I can’t recall the thread.
In our school, BCP can be dispensed by the health center only with a signed parental consent. The form, which is required for enrollment along with physical examination and immunization forms, asks the parents to indicate whether they should be contacted for permission, simply notified, or the option is entirely off the table. As others above noted, sexual activity, including oral sex, is not permitted on campus. Students are also not allowed to rent hotel rooms on weekends or during school breaks. Your best source of info is the student handbook for each school you are considering.
Annual physical exam is required for enrollment/reenrollment. Most schools have a health center on campus (ours is staffed by a full-time MD and 20+ NPs, RNs, and counselors). Although they do provide primary care services and chronic disease management, in my experience most girls prefer to receive routine care back home.
Our school is 100% boarding, so typically there is less opportunity for hookups. Some resourceful kids find ways, but it’s both harder (no place, no car, no privacy really, very little time) and riskier (you could be kicked out) than back home. I’m sure it’s happening, but probably less than in the LPS.
When my DD was heading to BS, I shared some of your concerns. Three years later, I’m more concerned of the opposite… yeah we have an inside joke about it.
“Our school is 100% boarding, so typically there is less opportunity for hookups. Some resourceful kids find ways, but it’s both harder (no place, no car, no privacy really, very little time) and riskier (you could be kicked out) than back home. I’m sure it’s happening, but probably less than in the LPS.”
I would think there is more opportunity at BS than LPS because the children spend so much time on campus’ with lots of places to go. Do the children at BS have less privacy than most LPS?
Thank you OP for raising this topic. My wife and I beat around the bush during a number of the visits on campus. However, should we be fortunate to have an opportunity to go back to a campus or two for revisit days we will be a bit more open about asking questions related to this topic. Our hope is that we raised DS “right” so this is a non-issue but you never know.
@TheSwami - you ask “Do the children at BS have less privacy than most LPS?”
It’s our experience and reporting of kiddo, as well as friends, that students in BS have much less privacy than students at LPS. My kiddo reports “very little privacy” for anything. There are rules about visiting dorms, doors have to be open, roommates, kids in the hall, etc…not a lot of down time either to be alone…plus, lots of eyes and ears! :-B
@TheSwami - @Golfgr8 is right. Also, having “lots of places to go” on campus is an illusion. There is no private place to go for sex. Everyone lives there, student and teachers, at all times. Inter-visitations are allowed during certain hours but you need to sign in with the dorm head, you can’t lock the door (can’t even close it in some schools), and they do check on you periodically, not to speak of roommates and many dozens dorm eyes ? ?. Wheather-permitting you could go to the woods. Definitely more freedom in LPS - you have a private room with a lock, or an entire home when parents are not around, often a car, an entire town/city/countryside with places to go. My DD is a junior, and by now the majority of her former classmates back home have had sexual experiences if not steady boyfriends/girlfriends.
Don’t be. They’ve heard your (valid) question before (and just about every other question under the sun). Since there are no one-size-fits-all answers to your questions, the answer is really going to be “It depends.”
At PEA all freshman and incoming sophomores take a year long course:
HHD110/120/130: Teen Health Matters for Juniors
Students explore health issues, including physical and psychological self-care; alcohol, drugs, and addictive substances; nutrition and fitness; mental health; relationships; and sex and sexuality.
Granted, when I went to college, dinosaurs still roamed the earth, but my college friends who attended co-Ed boarding schools all lost their virginity at younger ages than my other college friends. They must have found a place… an isolated section of the woods, an art room with a faulty lock, a supply closet…
Kids find ways…and places. I do think it depends on the kid. The LPS kid who ends up at an Ivy League school might be more achievement focused than the typical LPS kid, so that might have been a factor in my decidedly skewed and unscientific sample. But it is naive to think that it is hard to find a place, even if our kids tell us that.
Also, FWIW: I think most boarding schools have a mandatory class covering health, sexuality, substance abuse, etc. At Thacher those topics are covered very lightly freshman year as part of a Frosh Skills course, which is more about adapting to boarding school life and academics, but are the primary focus of a mandatory course for Sophomores.
Condoms are freely available at Choate. I believe there is a bowl on the counter in the Health Services building. All sophomores take a human sexuality seminar (forget what it’s called), and no questions are too explicit or taboo. The school encourages judgement-free discussion as sexual ignorance is a recipe for disaster. As far as how much sleeping around goes on, it’s not the sleeping that’s the concern, but since you can’t possibly know the answer to what you’re asking, you will have to assume that BS teens are no different from teens anywhere else and raise your kids accordingly.
And I’ve posted before: Parents, stay away from the Ceramics Building! There is more than clay hardening in there.
Someone on CC told me via PM years ago that an Exeter girl they knew or met on tour said most of her friends were on BC by junior year. Can’t remember who mentioned that and I have too many PM threads to go look. I could be mis-remembering, too. If the sender of this post reads this, perhaps they can clarify…
My understanding, and admittedly I’m of a different gender, is that there are valid reasons for females to use birth control aside from sexual activity. Just so we don’t conflate the issue.
And just because “other kids” are doing or not doing anything does not mean that your kid will follow suit. Does it ever matter what “other kids” do?
Honestly, I never thought to ask any of these questions because, in this century, I’m pretty sure the answers are the same everywhere. It’s certainly a good idea to know what the health services and medical facilities are like at the schools you are considering, and you should read the school handbooks cover-to-cover to understand all the rules and regulations at those schools, but (thankfully) birth control is readily available to students everywhere and (hopefully) all understand how to use it because (horrors) some actually do use it. I’m usually the one clutching pearls here, but I hope no one is shocked by readily available BC, explicit instruction on the use of that BC, and the fact that teens DO engage in sexual activity. Everywhere on the planet. I applaud schools that freely dispense both knowledge and protection. The earlier and more freely, the better, IMO.
@WorkingMan: If your kids are naive about these subjects, they will not be by the time they complete a year at BS (anywhere). If this concerns you, you should start the conversation now.
To the OP : As noted by other parents above, I would suggest you should start the conversation early - before high school. Along with this, there should be honest discussions about safe “boundaries”, internet & social media use, cultural terminology (some may consider to be ambiguous) used to describe what we used to call flirting and sexual activity. For example, “hooking up” may have different meanings to different people. Have a honest (even if uncomfortable) discussion about invitations for intimacy, getting together, interest, etc. via texts or emails. FWIW, we were impressed that a couple of schools last year during Revisit days had open panel discussions on “life at BS” that included conversations about dating, sex, and related safety on campus.
