Score my essay~

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1

<p>Here is an essay I wrote for the 1st test in the BB.</p>

<p>The question is "what motivates people to change?"</p>

<p>I typed the essay while I was writing, so it is probably a bit longer than if I wrote it by hand. </p>

<p>So, what do you think is an approximate score for this essay? Any feedback would be welcome! Thanks.</p>

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<p>Change is a crucial aspect in the advancement of an individual and a society in whole. There are two components of motivation for change within an individual, one is internal while the other is external. Internal refers motivations that comes from the inner self, as Ward Sybouts has said. On the other hand, external pressures comes from the outside to motivate one to change, usually one to conform to the conventional means.</p>

<p>In the novel "The Alchemist" by Paul Coelho, the protagonist Santiago, a young shepherd is one that changed to become a maverick in his society through both internal and external means. He was well educated by his parents in hope that he will become a priest when grown up. However, he realized that his true happiness lies in traveling and exploring the wonders of the world. Due to this inner motivation to pursue his dream, he decided to become a shepherd and change the future his parents have set for him. This is a exemplary situation of change coming from within a person's heart. Santiago followed his inner feelings despite the change and tribulations that he will face in the future. However, change is also triggered from external forces, such as peers, teachers, or the wisdom of an old king in Santiago's case.</p>

<p>On his journey as a shepherd, Santiago one day met an old wise king. The king told Santiago to pursue his Personal Legend, which is the treasure hidden in Egypt, as prophesied by the gypsy, waiting to be discovered. Santiago was first reluctant to accept this idea for adventure, as he is already happy with the situation at hand. The peaceful days with his herd of sheep, learning from them and exploring the wonders in the area. Nonetheless, he was persuaded by the old King after hearing the meaning of Personal Legends, and those who pursued them. Santiago wanted to become like one of them too, thus he sold his sheep to the King and left for Egypt. He was first motivated by the wisdom of the King and then by the pressure from those who succeeded in pursuing their Personal Legend, both of which are external forces.</p>

<p>The journey of Santiago demonstrates the two kinds of motivations for change. One of which is those that come from within oneself, from the heart in pursue of happiness. The other comes from an external forces that will often result in peer pressure. Though Santiago changed his fate by renouncing his role as a future priest through motivation for an occupation that he enjoyed more, he also changed due to the advice from the old man, leaving his sheep for another adventure that changed his life and learning dramatically.</p>

2

<p>People on CC generally hate scoring essays.</p>

<p>Get a rubric and try scoring your own.</p>

<p>As a rule, elaborate on the relative details, and relate them all to your thesis!</p>

<p>Intro: fine. Some grammar issues.</p>

<p>Body 1: "a young shepherd is one that changed..." Incorrect change in verb tense, and it should be "one WHO changed." You're saying that the desire to pursue one's dream leads to change. That should be mentioned in the intro.</p>

<p>Body 2: Too many incorrect verb tense changes. For example, "The king told Santiago to pursue his Personal Legend, which is the treasure hidden in Egypt, as prophesied by the gypsy, waiting to be discovered. Santiago was first reluctant to accept this idea for adventure, as he is already happy with the situation at hand." "He was first motivated by the wisdom of the King and then by the pressure from those who succeeded in pursuing their Personal Legend, both of which are external forces." But here your argument is a little weird. What are the external forces? You had to answer that in your intro. It's not enough to say that the forces that motivate change are both internal and external. That's so weak. Be specific. Surely not every external thing motivates change. If I told you to kill someone, that wouldn't motivate you to kill someone, hopefully. So you have to be specific.</p>

<p>You develop an argument with good examples, but your point should be more specific. It's a bad argument. Again, if I told you to kill someone, that wouldn't motivate you to kill someone. </p>

<p>I'd give it an 8. But get a real grading rubric and grade your own essays. Consider what the 12 essays had that you didn't.</p>