Score my practice SAT essay?

<p>This was written using a prompt from the College Board website. </p>

<p>"Is it more important to remain consistent than to change one's mind when circumstances change? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations."</p>

<p>Inconsistency is often a sign of inner turmoil. When under extreme duress, one should remain stalwart in their beliefs, rather than morphing to fit the situation. Several examples from literature, history, and popular culture clearly support the idea of firmness in one’s beliefs. </p>

<p>In the novel ‘A Tree Grows In Brooklyn’, by Betty Smith, the protagonist, Francie, desires to become a writer. Although she lives in a poor area lacking in cultural richness, her passion for literature never abates. Encouraged by her parents and acquaintances to abandoned her scholarly dreams for work to support her family, Francie’s firm belief in herself and yearning to rise above her current means remains consistent. Even when her father, the main financial supporter of her small family, passes away, Francie refuses to give up her education and love of writing. She does not assume a different plan for her life and abandon her beliefs simply because she experiences drastic changes within her life. This leads to her eventual attendance of college, during which she fulfills her dream of becoming a prolific novelist.</p>

<p>Abraham Lincoln, although having lived years before, faced his beliefs with a similar attitude. As the aggression and intensity of the Civil War began to heighten, several states threatened to secede from the Union because they agreed more strongly with the South’s perspective on slavery than with Lincoln’s North. Although Lincoln could have ended the war at that time by simply agreeing with the views of his opponents, he chose to remain strong in his opinions and continue to fight the war to the best of his ability. Although by remaining stalwart in his beliefs, Lincoln seemingly fought a losing battle, his resistance and unchanging attitude towards slavery led to the eventual victory of the North in the Civil War, and the emancipation of slaves.</p>

<p>Facing a different moral conflict in the movie ‘Strangers On A Train’, prolific tennis star Guy Haines is approached on a train by a wealthy psychopath named Bruno Anthony who attempts to coerce him into exchanging murders: If Guy murders Bruno’s hated father, Bruno will strangle Guy’s detestable ex-wife, Miriam. Misunderstanding Guy’s response, Bruno carries through with his side of the murder, and attempts to blackmail Guy into fulfilling his end of the bargain. Although faced with jail time, the ruination of his current relationship, and the prospect of his tennis career being obliterated, Guy remains sensitive to humanity and refuses to carry out the murder of a human being simply because he is being blackmailed. As a result, he is absolved of any connection to Miriam’s murder, while Bruno is killed in a freak accident right before he is about to be arrested. </p>

<p>Conclusively, it is direly important to remain firm in one’s beliefs in order to lead a fruitful and honest life. Changing to meet the current situation is a fickle and undesirable character trait. It can lead to mistrust in relationships, unreliability, and failed opportunities in many aspects of life.</p>

<p>Eight out of twelve; nine if you’re lucky.</p>

<ul>
<li>It was read like bullet points, not an essay. </li>
<li>Didn’t have an amazing flow.</li>
<li>Too many large words put in places that didn’t fit quite right.</li>
<li>Ended with “conclusively.”</li>
</ul>

<p>But, it was still good.</p>

<p>What would you suggest to make it flow more efficiently and appear less impassive? Thanks for your feedback, I really appreciate it :)</p>

<p>Write like your response^</p>

<p>But that’s just me, though.</p>

<p>Usually, when large words are read (even by highly talented English professors, e.g.), it creates a brief pause. Large words are great, but one or two in a paragraph is fine, overdoing it won’t serve you with an advantage (IMO).</p>

<p>You kind of just state your facts from history, literature, e.g. as just facts, you should tie it into your thesis in the beginning and end. </p>

<p>If you remove “conclusively,” your conclusion will show a better mastery of the English language, as you don’t need to word to show that you are finishing your essay (it’s implied, read that paragraph without the word, it sounds badass and correct).</p>

<p>I’m sure you can easily raise it to a 10, 11 with a sufficient amount of practice, though. You definitely have the gist of if. </p>

<p>Good luck! :)</p>

<p>Oh, and I like how a movie is being used as a reference.</p>

<p>It shows that you’re cultured; and it’s definitely unique. The SAT essay graders are reading 100s a day, maybe even thousands. Consequently, the essays will all start to dissolve into the same kind of thing, with the same prompt. Using a movie is new, and unique. It will definitely wake your graders up a little. But, in my opinion, you should use it as your first body, to grab their attention there.</p>

<p>I agree entirely with that Ucschoolsftw said.
Your examples are outstanding but it isn’t clear as to what you’re trying to prove. You need to connect it to the prompt. I’ve seen like 4 essays today and 3 of them share this similar problem.</p>

<p>Thanks to both of you for your input. This is my first practice SAT essay. I’m generally a pretty good writer, I just don’t think I’ve quite gotten the rhythm of this particular essay down yet! I will be sure to compose my next one with your critique in mind. :)</p>