Seeking for help in advice or revisions in my denied admission appeal letter!

Applying to College
1

Hello!
I’m currently working on an appeal letter for Sacramento State which is the college I was rejected from. I’m quite unsure of what I have to say so far in my letter and I was hoping for some second opinions or so. My letter reads:

"To whom it may concern:

I would like to first sincerely thank you for your time and for providing me the opportunity to further consider my application as a Sacramento State student. Although I respect the initial decision of my denial and do not doubt the validity of the institution for it, I am writing in hopes of convincing you why I qualify for admission.

Upon viewing my admission status to Sacramento State, I am sure that anyone who spent countless days anxiously waiting for their results would understand the grief-stricken moments that flushed over me. Within those moments, I scattered to think and question why, as any other expecting student would be, but ultimately knew in the back of my mind what was to blame. I admit that during my second semester of junior year, I was having a difficult time and my English and History grades reflected those actions. As a student, it is my responsibility to embody the mentality of higher standards in my work academically and beyond, and seek help if needed for all subjects. Despite this known fact, I did not see it in myself to work harder or confide in any other when I was having difficulties. I conjured up feelings of loath when it came to facing my teachers, ashamed, knowing I wasn’t at my best. My struggles came from feeling at a loss and not being able to complete certain assignments simply from my lack of motivation during that time. Although my grades for English and History were at its lowest, I maintained grades for other classes. I understand now that these struggles are only temporary or trivial and that I should continue to seek for betterment as a student instead of hindering that growth.

To be admitted into Sacramento State and be the first person of my family to receive a degree would mean a lifetime of gratitude. When it came time to think about my future, I always pictured myself as a hornet and would tell others this as if it were a fact. Seeing my denied admission status nights ago only made me realize that I should fight harder if I want to make that dream a reality. To hopefully solidify my chances of admission into Sacramento State, I applied for Apex classes for English and History and plan to complete them before I graduate from high school. To even further that notion, I have successfully maintained my grades for not only my English and History classes but also all my classes as a whole this senior year. If I were to be admitted, I feel confident that my newfound desire to succeed will help me as a student at Sacramento State. I will be sure to utilize any accommodations the campus has to offer for my success and alongside implement my current strengths. Throughout the entirety of my high school career, I’ve participated in various clubs, ranging from Key Club to Red Cross to Link Crew. My experiences and countless hours of dedication to these programs will help me to flourish not only academically and socially as a student on campus, but also in potentially implementing a lasting positive effect on those around me. I have heard many things from past and current hornets of the good in Sacramento State and I feel that I will be able to coincide with the environment.

Please understand that the shortcomings during the second semester of my junior year do not completely define me as a student. I hope you will give me a second chance at becoming a student at Sacramento State. Thank you for your time in reading and considering my appeal."

Please feel free to comment with any suggestions no matter how harsh they may be!

2

You can try, I guess, but that won’t work–appeal letters really only work if there’s something clear and substantive that the adcoms overlooked, and even then, they work exceedingly rarely. Sorry to bear bad news, @nelrhs .

3

Well, there is another reason that I wanted to avoid talking about overall that may or may not be more substantive or precise. Thank you for the comment nonetheless!

4

You can try, of course, but unless there was a massive error by the college or by your school in sending info, the decision probably won’t be changed. Did you apply to any other colleges?

5

Nobody is stopping you from getting a degree from Sac State. The path open to you is the one countless other students have taken. Attend a CC, show that you can do well at college level work, then transfer.

6

It seems a little overwrought and dramatic and there are some odd word choices as well.
‘I feel that I will be able to coincide with the environment’ - that one is a bit awkwardly worded.
‘grief-stricken’ moments - were you really feeling grief or was it more like disappointment?
I scattered to think" ???
I think you need to be more straight forward and factual (like your history grade went from an __ to an __) and cut out the melodramatic stuff.

7

The letter is too wordy and too full of fluffy $5 words and phrases which sound contrived and fake. The letter does not come across as sounding genuine.

What I basically got from the letter is this:

  1. “I got bad grades in 2 classes. I screwed up.”
  2. “I screwed up because I was too ashamed to ask for help and stuck my head in the sand, hoping that the problem would go away.”
  3. “Even though I admit that I tried to avoid the problem, I promise to do better next time.”
  4. “You need to let me in to your college because I want to go there and because if you don’t, I’ll be really disappointed.”
  5. “If you don’t let me in to this university, it means that I can never go to that school ever.”

So if you really want to go to Sacramento State, go to community college or go somewhere else for 2 years and then transfer in as a junior. It’s not the end of the world.

8

@tucsonmom 's summary is accurate and grim. This letter won’t help as written.