Seeking words from the wise... I feel like I've screwed my whole life up.

Parents Forum
1

<p>Okay, so I'm posting this on the Parents Forum because you all seem to be serious (not in a bad way!) and some of the responses people give on the College Life forum are real... pieces of work to say the least.</p>

<p>So way back in September I went off to college in California, in a smaller private school. It's not the most well-known nationally, but on the West Coast people seem to have heard of it and respect it. Good business and engineering schools. Anyway, at first I was having a blast. Classes were pretty good, although I dropped Calculus because I realized that high school did an awful job of preparing me and I really needed a stronger pre-calc background, so I didn't want a D or F on my transcript.</p>

<p>At some point, I stopped taking my anti-depression medication. Now normally this probably wouldn't have been a big deal. But coupled with the stresses of adjusting to a new place, the more difficult workload compared to high school, and trying to 'figure everything out' I started spiraling into depression. My grades slipped, which only helped fuel the depression, which made me start skipping classes. I started blaming other things for my failures (as some who've experienced depression may know, you don't think rationally). I eventually withdrew.</p>

<p>I had been accepted to the University of Maryland, and they allowed me to confirm my enrollment for the Spring 2010 semester. It started off alright, but I was still depressed and once again I've fallen into the pattern above. I'm fairly certain I either have Ds or Fs. I started seeing a doctor and am back on medication again, which I think will help.</p>

<p>Now I just wish I could turn back time and not screw up like I did. I take full responsibility for what I did. But unfortunately I can't go back and fix things. The school I'm at now really isn't a fit for me, and I just wish I could either go back to the first school I was at or simply apply as a Freshman to some new schools.</p>

<p>The thing is, I'm worried that no place will accept me because of my abysmal transcripts. I'd probably have to go to community college for two years first, which would be fine except I'd be missing out on the "college experience." Some deride it as not that important, but to me it is. Going in as a junior transfer would mean missing out on important connections made in the first two years, and I fear that I also wouldn't have a chance to really 'be a college kid' since I'd be so entrenched in my upper-level courses.</p>

<p>So does anyone have any advice? I sometimes feel like I took a gun and put a bullet through my future. I don't want to run away from the past, I just want to be able to start anew.</p>

2

<p>Have you talked to admission people at your first school?</p>

3

<p>No, although I believe they do allow you to return within 5 years of your withdrawal as long as you were in “good standing” (I’m not sure what is considered good standing… my grades sure as hell weren’t good).</p>

<p>The other problem is my parents. I somehow doubt my dad would be willing to fund my going to an expensive private school again after my abysmal year… despite both his son and his ex-wife having mental health struggles, he doesn’t seem to really comprehend how crippling it can be when left untreated.</p>

4

<p>^ No, you have not destroyed your future. You have an overly negative and pessimistic view of the junior transfer experience. I’m a professor at a liberal arts college, and over the years, I have known dozens – hundreds – of students who came in as junior transfers and thrived. Some of the most successful students I’ve had had taken time off and come in one or two years older, and often they have been more mature, more able to really make the most of college, than the typical undergraduate. </p>

<p>It does sound to me as if you first need to get on a good path with your medications, and perhaps taking a year off would be a good idea. Set up some appointments at the U. of Maryland, find out where you stand in terms of academic probation, and see if you can take some time off. Don’t burn your bridges at the U. of Maryland and make it impossible to return, because it’s very possible that after some time off, you could return there, have a successful year, and either continue or transfer somewhere else. </p>

<p>I wish you all the best.</p>

5

<p>^^^ Good place to start.</p>

<p>Your approach might be to not side-step your actions, take ownership as you have in this post, and discuss whether they will offer you a second chance.</p>

<p>And your future looks pretty good from where I sit-why can I say that-because it takes a STRONG person to look at themselves, see the strengths and the weakness of this human BEing, and know they have something that will make this world a better place. I see it-and I believe it. Don’t you?!</p>

<p>-APOL</p>

6

<p>Before you worry about your academics, work with your counselor to get your mental health issues sorted out so you can get off this destructive cycle. That is key. There honestly are people who make mistakes and need help and then get over the hump and emerge even stronger–be one of those people! Please tell your therapist about your frustrations and options–I’m sure s/he has had other patients that s/he has helped through tough times.</p>

<p>Have you tried talking with UMd to see what they can offer in the way of helping you to get back into good standing? You are not the first and won’t be the last to get into a hole. With some work and understanding, you’ll be back out sooner than you might imagine! Keep working on this!</p>

7

<p>I feel for you. I really do. It may not be wise to stay at the school where you are now, for 2 main reasons - 1. you don’t really like it there 2. you are struggling there academically and emotionally, in part or whole because you do not like it there. However, get a Medical Leave of Absence from the school now, so that you have the opportunity to return down the road, if you want to.</p>

<p>Go home.<br>
Take summer school class(es) at a community college that are generic enough to hopefully count and transfer to another school down the road. Get a part time job that is not too too demanding, and maybe kinda fun.<br>
MOST IMPORTANT - GET HEALTHY! Go to see your doctor, get a physical, and perhaps see a psychiatrist and get on the correct medications for your depression. Stay on the medicine as perscribed by the doctor (get yourself one of those daily/week pill reminder containers, they help a lot). DO NOT go off it until the Doctor says to. Have follow up appointments with the doctor. See a therapist (dr can give you the names of some that they know and like). GET HEALTHY.<br>
Sign up for FALL classes at the Community College. See an advisor there to get some guidance on choosing classes that will help you succeed academically (and are not too too hard) and enable you to transfer in the future. Sign up for a full load, but if it feels like too much, drop one within the “full refund” withdrawal period. Take it slow, and go easy, so you get healthy and have academic success.</p>

<p>The most important thing is to get healthy!!! Once you are feeling better and stable, and have some academic success, (whether that is in 8 weeks or 8 months) start evaluating 4 year schools you may want to transfer to. Perhaps you can transfer for Spring of 2011, if not, go for Fall 2011. Remain flexible and optimistic. There are tons of kids that transfer. Most schools will house transfer students together so they have the same opportunities to meet kids as Freshman do. You CAN have that college experience. </p>

<p>Give yourself a break, and give yourself the chance and the time to get healthy, however long that takes, then set out on your path again. You can do it, you can succeed. Have your parents meet with you and the therapist, or just with the therapist alone, so a professional can explain your illness to them. It IS hard to understand and relate to these types of illnesses. I am sure your parents will support you and help you - just ask them to!</p>

8

<p>I always tell my kids that the #1 priority is to stay alive. Everything else, staying out of trouble, avoiding humiliation—comes after that. You need to get yourself healthy and well, whatever it takes. Then worry about the rest. Maybe taking a few community college courses at the same time, just to feel like you’re progressing would work.</p>

9

<p>Hey, I feel for you.</p>

<p>Funny thing is I’m also at UMCP and it’s not a fit for me. I’ve gotten horrible grades and have no chance of transferring 1. because of my grades, duh 2. because I’m a JUNIOR.</p>

<p>You are just a freshman/rising sophomore, right? </p>

<p>You haven’t screwed everything up at all. </p>

<p>It’s so good that you’ve realized your problems early on. Yes, it IS early. I constantly entertain thoughts of going to a community college and transferring. It sucks, 'cause for me, this late in the college game, it’s a total irrational fantasy - I have no choice but to finish here and move on with my life. For you, on the other hand…you’ve got your whole educational career ahead of you. In a way, you’ve lost one thing - you will never be able to start at a university “as a freshman” again. But you haven’t lost everything. You can still rebuild your parent’s trust in you and graduate with a degree from a good university with a decent GPA. A “I had a rough first year adjusting but then pulled my game together” looks a lot better to employers and grad schools then “I had a rough 3 years adjusting and never pulled my game together.” In a way, I envy you. </p>

<p>DO NOT just coast along at a place that isn’t a fit for you, and do not attempt more schoolwork until you’re mentally stable/taking your meds/etc. Wasting any more time doing badly is going to put you in my shoes, which is not what you want. So I echo other posters when they say GET HEALTHY. Take the time you need. Don’t put it off. And after that, accept the things you’ve lost, but realize there’s a lot more you still have a hold on - your grades (yes, actually…), your career prospects, and even the typical college life (hey, two years is a lotta years - you’ll have time to go to some parties and join some clubs, trust me). Good luck.</p>

10

<p>really great post, umcp11.</p>

11

<p>You have most certainly NOT screwed up your life. In fact, I’d like to congratulate you on your maturity and insight. You recognized that you fell into a pattern, you went to the doctor and started taking charge, taking your medications as directed, examining your life, and looking for direction and a plan of action. That is truly commendable! Your future looks bright.</p>

<p>From the first school, you have all W’s? No credits earned? That’s fine. So, you have no D’s or F’s to get rid of. You can turn the grades into withdrawals due to medical reasons, even well after the fact.</p>

<p>As far as spring semester goes, I suggest you do a medical withdrawal, there will be a simple procedure for that , and your doctor can write a letter in support. Or, you could ask for incomplete grades (if it looks like you could potentially pass), supported with a doctor’s note, so that you can take a few extra weeks or the summer to finish up. So, you could end up with 2 semesters of medical withdrawals (no credits at all, no gpa), or one semester of W’s and second semester with passing grades. Either scenario will work out just fine.</p>

<p>In the first case, you can apply as a freshman anywhere, since you have not earned any college credits. You’ll need to explain your year, but you can do that in a positive manner. In the second, you’re fine to continue at U Maryland.</p>

<p>In the meantime, whether you withdraw now or not, try to find a talk therapist (available at school) and also a support group meeting, which also may be available at school. Also try things like yoga or running or meditation or other natural stress-relievers.</p>

<p>If you end up going the community college route, that will be fine, too. You may decide to go part time for a while, to lower your stress, and eventually you’ll be transferring to a 4 year school. </p>

<p>Thousands of people make a few false starts, or change directions in life many times. It’s nothing to get too worried about. Many go through times of depression, and, like you, take medication and feel much better. Most often, medications are taken for a number of months or years, but not forever. The doctor will wean you off the medicine very slowly, and most often, the meds are no longer needed.</p>

12

<p>I feel for you, DCHurricane. I was once where you are now.</p>

<p>Are you a perfectionist, by any chance? That was one of the things that killed me–I wanted every assignment to be “perfect”, and perversely if it couldn’t be “perfect” I would not do it at all–preferring to get a 0 for not turning it in rather than get and 85% or (gasp) 70% for DOING it. Also, after missing one class I would worry what the teacher would think of me, so I’d skip the next class . . . uh oh, now he’ll really be mad, better skip the class after that! And so on. </p>

<p>I don’t know if you’re having any of these issues, but if you are, here is what I learned:</p>

<ol>
<li> Done imperfectly is better than not done at all.</li>
<li> Teachers have seen it all before, they are not going to be reeling with astonishment because a student cuts class once in a while.</li>
<li> But it’s much better to attend every class because you pick up a lot more and therefore do better on tests and quizzes. (With that said, I still miss the occasional class. The world does not end. I just work a little harder to catch up on whatever I missed.)</li>
</ol>

<p>If you’re having academic trouble for some other reason, why do you think that is? What specific things are you having trouble with? Studying for tests? Finishing essays on time? Or what?</p>

<p>Okay, onto some advice for getting out of the hole you got yourself into. </p>

<p>First of all–find out exactly what your grades are. Right now. Yes, it’s gut wrenching to see that awful grade in black and white, but it’s better to know. Then go talk to your teachers. They have no obligation to give you special treatment, but if you are frank with them they may choose to help. Go to them, apologize for [missing classes/not giving your best effort/whatever the root problem is] and ask, “Is there anything I can do to fix this? What would you advise?” Don’t grovel or whine–be sincerely apologetic and forthright and hope for the best. Even if you can’t get a great grade in their class, maybe you can get some good advise on studying and whatnot. Is there still time to withdraw? Something to consider.</p>

<p>Are you healthy enough to do the whole “college thing” right now? Also very important. With my first foray into college, I ended up flunking out spectacularly. (A whole semester of F’s thanks to not going to class. At all. While simultaneously remaining in a constant state of numbed horror all the time because I KNEW I was making a mess of everything. HAPPY FUN TIMES!) At the time, dropping out seemed like the worst, most shameful thing in the world, but the truth is I needed time to pull myself together and overcome my inner obstacles. I no longer regret “what could have been” because, in the end, I found myself in a much healthier, happier place. </p>

<p>I hope you can fulfill your dream of getting “the full college experience”, but if you can’t for whatever reason . . . grieve the loss and then take a deep breath, look ahead, and move on. If you do end up flunking out, dropping out, going to a CC, or just “not where I thought I’d be”, don’t beat yourself up or feel like you’ve destroyed your future. YOU HAVEN’T. Maybe your road will wind more than most people’s, but you’ll still get there in the end.</p>

13

<p>OP: Great advice here, and I’ll add my voice to the chorus that you have NOT ruined your whole future, and that you need at this point to concentrate on getting your health squared away. Once that is back on track, things that seem impossible now will become doable and manageable. </p>

<p>Please take one step at a time. Don’t try to see the end of the path from where you’re standing right now. Do the next thing, and then the thing after that. You’ll get there.</p>

14

<p>Thank you all for the advice so far. It’s been very helpful. I’m gonna talk to my parents this weekend, and probably talk to the Registrar early next week.</p>

15

<p>You may have made some mistakes and they cannot be erased, but what will speak to people in the future is that you don’t give up and wallow in “failure” but instead do whatever you need to do in order to return to functioning well in life- taking meds, getting up every morning, being organised, attending class, being to a job on time, etc.</p>

<p>How you recover from this blip can build character and garner respect. You can certainly go on to grad school and/or great employment prospects IF you figure out what needs to change and make those changes. When you return to school in the next term you need to set yourself up for success in all future classes.</p>

<p>A friend’s kid withdrew from university, had been an A/B student and all of a sudden had some Cs and even potential Ds/Fs due to skipping class, took time to deal with some serious issues, returned to school and earned only As thereafter and is now successfully in grad school, but it took time and a serious commitment to turning things around and recognising that just forging ahead in school was not the cure, some issues had to be addressed.</p>

16

<p>A Star close up is an enormous ball of fire. From far away it is a pinprick of light. </p>

<p>You are examining your life from very close up. </p>

<p>Think of a dozen older folks that you respect and admire (teachers, aunties, whoever). Do you know which of them graduated at 22? 24? 26? Probably not. </p>

<p>You have time. </p>

<p>You have had two starts that fizzled out. You are wise to not want to fizzle times three. It may be that you need some training. Ever see “Chariots of Fire?” (great movie!) The runners train how to start, how to run the middle of a race and how to finish strong. Each component must be there to finish well. </p>

<p>Keep in mind that your brain is not fully developed until age 25. What your brain could not do at age 18, it may be able to do at age 20 or 22 or 24. </p>

<p>Think about taking some time off. Consider getting a job and working hard at it. Many, many people (especially males) do well to have some “marinating” time. In bits and pieces you can reflect on what triggers your depression and where you started moving down a wrong path each semester. </p>

<p>Learn as much as you can about your form of depression. As I understand it, depression is BEST treated with a combination of therapy, appropriate meds and exercise. Don’t do just one and expect stellar results. Diet can also figure into things as well. </p>

<p>Please, please, please don’t let the depression be your excuse to not live a life. Too many people let a health issue limit their horizons. I know. I am a paraplegic. I am also a paraplegic who has been a PTA president, a Cub Scout Den mother (15 boys), a lobbyist, a snorkeler, and a visitor to the Taj Mahal. It’s a great world out there. But you have to work to see it. </p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

17

<p>^ Great post.</p>

18

<p>^^^^I really enjoy your posts. You are trully a person that so many kids could learn from.</p>

19

<p>That was a beautiful post. I can’t imagine a way to say that any better.</p>

20

<p>Blushing now! Maybe we do learn some things as we age. . .</p>