Just wanted to see if any other parents had dealt with a similar issue. 7th grade son has had a tough couple of weeks that have really bruised his confidence - a couple of academic and non-academic competitions in which he made it to the finals, only to lose, and then today found out he was not selected as a finalist for the CDB scholarship. He is now having second thoughts about getting into boarding school - he has convinced himself he won’t get in anywhere because of these recent disappointments. We attended an open house at Hotchkiss recently, where the director of admissions candidly explained that they only accepted 12% of financial aid applicants. DS understands he will need financial aid, and is taking this as even more evidence that he won’t get in anywhere, and time spent on visits and applications will be wasted.
Anyone else deal with this? He was excited to start the process in earnest this summer, and is now insisting it’s a waste of time and application fees. In my view, he’s a strong applicant - weighted average above 100% at a gifted school, CTY SET (in verbal), has attended CTY 3 summers in a row, extensive volunteering in an unusual domain, two sports, leadership positions at school, active participant in church youth group, solid extracurriculars - heavy involvement in theater and media arts. Just a really decent, good, smart kid. Perhaps in the rarefied world of BS admissions, kids like him are a dime a dozen, but is it really a waste of time if he’s not the recipient of multiple awards/high-level competitions?
Nothing ventured = nothing gained, and all that. Ignore the “chance me” nonsense on here and realize that a very small % of actual applicants are on here to begin with, and fewer still engage in that stuff and share such personal info. (real or contrived). Don’t even listen to the schools as they tout their acceptance rates. It is what it is. That said, definitely use the search function on here. Read all the great posts about schools that offer academic merit money and schools with generous financial aid. If he has a defeatist attitude, than yes… it would be a waste of time and resources. If he is willing to try his best for something worthwhile though, it is definitely not a waste. Apart from a few objective markers, no one here really has any clue what school admissions committees really want in any given year. Consider a wide range of schools and see which feel like a great fit, a good fit or no fit at all. Do not get caught up in the “Label-Ho” trap that some fall into - where if it isn’t in an acronym school, it is not worth considering. Sure, apply to some of them… but also look beyond them. I can say first hand that a CTY kid can be very challenged and very happy at a boarding school that is considered 2nd or 3rd tier on here. Encourage your son to be open minded. Encourage him to be realistic, but not to be defeatist. His self esteem will be built on failure as well as success throughout life - and these years are important - so I hope he goes for it! There is so much to be learned and/or honed in the process of applying to boarding schools i.e. researching, evaluating, essay writing, meeting deadlines, test taking, interviewing, interaction, salesmanship and maybe even dealing with disappointment. That sure is a lot of learning and honing. Not a waste at all! Best of luck should he proceed with the application process. 
Do you feel that any of his ECs would make him hooked? Meaning could he make varsity in one of his sports as a freshman? How strong has his participation in theater been? If you can easily say a high level to one or more of these then he’s in a good to great position.
Most BS students wouldn’t have made CDB Finalist if they had tried.
I’m with @judbeeski. Your kid sounds like a viable candidate among a competitive pool so go for it but keep an open mind about the non acronym schools. Depending on your kid, they may prove to be a better fit and sometimes there is an advantage to being a larger fish in a smaller pond.
You as a parent need to make him understand how very slim the odds of getting CDB finalist were.
He sounds like a viable BS candidate. However, I will say that once at BS there will likely be many moments where one can doubt oneself, being surrounded by high achieving, intelligent peers. If he’s having second thoughts and doubts about competition before the application process, you might want to think about how he might react once at BS.
I think kids need to be full in for the process.
Not a waste of time. Way to early to give up. Lots of very ordinary kids go to BS, even on financial aid. Cast a wide net. Look outside brand name schools. Consider locations other than in Northeast. Tell him not to worry about the money for the application process. It is not his money and you are willing to spend it to see some new places and explore his opportunities. It’s like day tripping or vacation travel. Encourage him to go through the process, and see where he ends up. If his only remaining excuse is he doesn’t want to waste his time, then he doesn’t really have much interest at all.
Whose dream are you pursuing - his or yours? Kids sometimes - oftentimes - use excuses they think will fly rather than give the real reason why they do or do not want to do something. Maybe the recent set backs are cover.
He sounds like he has the numbers to be a viable candidate, but strength, maturity and resilience are necessary qualities as well. He may be lacking there. Be cautious, and I would be especially cautious of getting near any acronym schools and their extremely competitive academic environments.
to answer your question - is it a waste of time? It is if he doesn’t really want to go. If he does, you should be looking at less competitive schools from the sound of things
Full discloure Asian parent whose 3 kids needed 90% or financial aid to attend BS and College,
Failures are good life learning experince that makes you strong. Use these failure to motivate your kids, encourage and let him have time for reflection. Be a supportive but not pushy parent, good luck
A kid who has never failed will fear failure to the point of not taking risks. Or he’ll fall apart the first time he falls. SO…he’s got that out of his system! He’s learned that not getting what you’d hoped for is disappointing but that after a little ice cream, the earth still spins on its axis and life goes on. Really, a great lesson sooner than later.
He’s still very young.
Here’s the frame for discussions: There are many children just like you who are looking for more academic challenge. Choosing between such children is really hard, and does not mean that the children not chosen are less worthy of attention. You are young, and still growing. The person you will be at the end of high school will differ from the person you are now. There is no “best” path for anyone. There are many ways to be successful. Often children attend different high schools, but end up in the same college. The student who had to take the “road less taken” often has an advantage gained by facing adversity.
It can be very hard for a gifted child who’s never “failed” at anything to deal with the prospect of failure. But allowing him to avoid this process, merely out of the fear of failure, will set up a bad pattern for the future. It would be far better for him to go through the process, not get in anywhere, and then wake up and find out that the world did not end. Many applicants who need financial aid have reported on this site going through the process two or three times before being accepted to a boarding or private day school.
I also second the recommendations to widen your range of applications beyond Hotchkiss. Sometimes the “hidden gems” will have more financial aid to offer an applicant who brings something distinctive to a school. The Hotchkiss pool is probably full of kids who have similar profiles to your child. “Road less traveled” schools–that you and your child love–should also be on your list of schools.
My daughter was intimidated at a recent school visit when a professor in a subject she excells at described how several of his students had won awards that were only given to .5 percent of applicants nation wide. She had fears similar to your son re being outmatched and was holding herself back during the application process for fear of rejection. I asked her “what’s the worst that can happen?” …“You don’t get in. And it stings, and life goes on.” I shared that her older sister (a BS grad who won a ton of awards) was also rejected several times by schools. I was surprised that none of this was known to my daughter. I also told her that it was her job to let the schools know she belonged there and just as importantly, wanted to be there. I could not do it for her. A few days later, Chimneykid 2.0 wrote strong applications and was accepted. You are lucky - your son still has a lot of time to regroup. Also it helps if you have a backup plan and your son realizes that everything does not hinge on any one school. Many middle schoolers thinking is very black and white and it can be helpful to point out that many paths can lead to the same goal.
It is also possible Hotchkiss is just not the perfect school for him and his interest in applying will return once he visits a school where he feels more comfortable. Maybe he just needs a warmer fuzzier school? I would line up some more schools to tour in the fall when students are on campus with a “lets just go look” attitude and he might get his mojo back. Definitely NOT a waste of time, he is likely a strong candidate at many schools.
My son sometimes tends toward the “I won’t get it anyway, so why bother trying” mode, although this has been lessening as he matures. Luckily, if he REALLY wants something (such as boarding school), he goes for it. Still, it’s obvious that my daughter is more willing to risk painful rejection, and I have to believe that resilience comes from her early experience in theater, where frequent rejection is the norm. I definitely think that if your son really wants to go to boarding school, you should encourage him to persist. And don’t let him be intimidated; he will be above average anywhere, and near the top at most schools (although any good school is likely to have enough students of his caliber to be an appropriate academic fit). I strongly suggest that, because you need financial aid, you broaden your search and apply to more schools than you think you need to. And it wouldn’t hurt to look into Mercersburg and other mid-Atlantic schools, especially since you are in NYC.
@chemmchimney love the picture!!
There are definitely top 20 schools that would be thrilled to have a high achieving, well-rounded, good kid from NYC.
I do think that kids whose confidence is still developing and who may be fragile should pick their schools carefully. Some are more overtly competitive, while others provide more nuture and support on that front. That may end up being an important takeaway from this. He sounds talented enough that he’ll have good options - maybe this is a hint about how to look at them.
He sounds like a very strong candidate but none of the items you describe are really hooks. FA can make admittance a real gamble even for the most impressive applicant. @twinsmama gives you good advice. If you apply to the same group of NE schools that most others are going for, you may end up with nothing. I would look outside the geographical hot zone of NE prep schools and look at Episcopal, Mercersburg, Hill and others.
Seriously…the kid is under too much pressure! That is a heavy load of activities and pressure on academics. NO he does not have to WIN every competition to get into boarding school or a good college!
But to have a happy life, both you and him need to relax. Happiness is not defined by which school you attend. You have a lonnnnnngggg road ahead - enjoy the ride and stop with the pressure.
Guess what - some of those kids that win awards are not the top students in their boarding schools. 50% of the students end up in the bottom half.
"When you go fishing, do you catch all the fish?
The 2002 book “The Gatekeepers: Inside the Admissions Process of a Premier College” is available used for a few dollars. It is a “year in the life” of the college admissions staff at Wesleyan, and some of the applicants there.
While about college admissions, it is just as insightful into the prep school admissions process. Som kids are wired in, some do not meet minimum standards, but the vast majority are “In the lottery” and there may be multiple factors considered by the committee. Most kids think of the admissions process as a strict meritocracy, and the book debunks that myth.
We have a family friend who grew up in a tough Boston neighborhood where there are still boxing gyms. He took boxing there as conditioning. He was a good, not great student and for that matter a good, not great hockey player.
When interviewed at the school he now attends, they discussed one thing: boxing. The AO was fascinated by this experience. He was most certainly a “lottery” candidate, but that one noteworthy experience set him apart.
It sounds like your child has any number of such noteworthy experiences. Keep truckin’.