self esteem issues

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>Hello,
I am posting this because I have been plagued with a problem: self esteem and confidence. This has always been an issue for me throughout my life, although I have always been a very successful person. Currently I am attending one of the best schools in the country, am doing very well in school, have found a major I love,I have lots of friends, and am heavily involved in campus. On the surface this perplexes me, because I really do not have a reason to not be confident.</p>

<p>I just notice this constantly that my happiness is not dependent on me, which I reason it should. I take small things very hard and have trouble handling criticism.</p>

<p>It is not only me that notices this flaw in myself. While casually discussing for an essay what our biggest flaws were, I asked a good friend and he said that I care too much about what people think and should be more confident.</p>

<p>I also notice that I am very self destructive in terms of my life and different interpersonal relationships. I sometimes alienate my friends and will just go days without answering my phone and ignoring people. I also get worried that when I am meeting someone for lunch or whatever that they will not show up, or someone will not call me to do something when they say they will. I have even gone as far as to be purposely late so that I will not have to be waiting there by myself. None of this makes any sense and is irrational, but I guess I have that little confidence in myself.</p>

<p>Other sorts of relationships are also bad, and I have never had a serious relationship with a member of the opposite sex, because of this lack of confidence. Even when all of my friends tell me to ask a girl out and that she is totally into me, I balk and say she is just being friendly or that they are looking too into it. Even if girls give me all of the attention in the world, I ignore them and just do not want to be bothered, because I can not accept the idea that a girl would like ME, which really is such a warped viewpoint, and I realize this, because I have a good personality, am in all modesty good looking, etc. One girl in particular asked me out, and then something came up for her which was an emergency and I took it in the worst, most selfish way, and stopped talking to the girl, even though I was crazy about her.</p>

<p>I also worry that I really do not have friends, and all of this when combined with my job/schoolwork/clubs sometimes leaves me just crying in my room on the weekends.</p>

<p>None of this has gotten to the point of altering my life in such a negative way that I have to live my life in a different way, but I really would just like to be truly happy for once and not worry so much and be happy to be in my own skin. Confidence is just something I want so badly, but I feel like as time goes by it becomes more difficult to attain.</p>

<p>If anything, it just feels a bit better to type all of this out.</p>

2

<p>i think everything you just described and happens to just about every person, well at least myself.</p>

<p>i have the same fears and do the same thing bout coming places late so i dont have to wait by myself.</p>

<p>you just have to deal with it and try to tell yourself eveyrthing will turn out for the best. of course you will be let down at times, but you just gotta take the good with the bad</p>

3

<p>Have you talked to a professional about possible Social Anxiety Disorder? In my very limited knowledge about this kind of thing, it seems like it would fit. Some of what you wrote could describe me pretty well, and I wonder sometimes if I have it.</p>

4

<p>Lol. I used to act irrationally all the time. My life was one big lie at one point, I created an image for myself to fit in with everybody else. When girls were into me, I would constantly not act on urges, because i feared the embarrassment if I happened to misinterpret her feelings. I would lay around sulking when I alienated my friends because I was jealous of their progress as people. My friends would get new friends, and I would become envious that I had fallen as the "go to guy." But one day I think I just told myself stop feeling sorry for your a** and do something about it. I guess you have to build your own confidence and release it when you have nothing to lose anymore. Just my 2 cents.</p>

5

<p>Cavi1ier0112, funny thing. This sounds almost exactly like me. I'm sure you don't always feel like this. How do you feel on days where you do not feel alienated? Are you genuinely happy on those occassions? Try to think of those times that were you actually happy. Not just "yay, im not depressed" happy, but really happy that you were on a high. Ask yourself: were you a different person? Would you say that you were truely yourself in those situations? Try to analyze what made you loose that weight of anxiety from your body.</p>

<p>You know yourself the best. You are your best resource, so ask yourself.</p>

<p>For me, i alternate between working out and meditating. Working out and occasionally glancing into a mirror really increases my confidence level because the second i see myself, i instantly think how silly it was that i would have ever doubted myself in anything. Not to mention it is also healthy to do so.</p>

<p>Meditating on the days between workouts clears my mind. Its like defragging my hard drive. All the useless clutter and things that are important get sorted apart. Its as if our own minds are too much to bear sometimes. Our fear and inhabitions really are illusions in our own head. The way we see the world is just in our heads. You can change what the world is to you just by clearing your head once in a while. I highly recommend it.</p>

<p>Both of these are recomended whether or not your normally happy anyways, so give them a shot.</p>

6

<p>I think everyone feels like that^^ at some points in their lives, myself included. however some people more than others and some people more frequently than others. and if it is interfering with your life and happiness, then you have a problem.</p>

<p>i congratulate you though on the first step which is that you've admitted you have a problem and you need help. i'd suggest you go to counseling provided at your school; they may have support networks and therapy sessions. </p>

<p>also I'd suggest you trying out a new sport/club/activity. doing so will help you build your confidence and self esteem, plus being able to meet new people.</p>

<p>also you can read books on self-improvement and self-esteem. just go to barnes and noble and look under the "self-improvement" section. there are hundreds of books written about self esteem and interpersonal skills. remember, we all go through this!</p>

<p>in addition, realize that everyone is human and that we're not perfect and we're all vulnerable. realizing that the girl you like isn't perfect and has insecurities may make you more apt to open up to other people.</p>

<p>moreover, there are some great videos on youtube for interpersonal skills and motivation. </p>

<p>also remember "fake it until you make it". fake confidence. swallow the fear. once you do this more and more it's a lot easier to reach out to people</p>

7

<p>Pshhhhhhhh.... don't take it too seriously man. (unless this is actually voiding you of any continuous moments of happiness and joy in your life).</p>

<p>I once was just like you. ALWAYS worrying about my image, ALWAYS worrying about my "popularity", etc. </p>

<p>Then one day, i said to myself "You know what... i'm in college. I should be able to deal with my own problems accordingly. And my image? Who gives a flying ****. If people don't like the real ME, who gives? As long as i have atleast a few good friends who like the REAL me, it's all good. And girls? When i see my dreamgirl, i'll know. NOW, i will live LIFE!".</p>

<p>and something to add about going late to things so you aren't alone and being stared at by others:
Other people don't care if you're alone. They're busy with their own lives. Plus, you'll probably never see them again. It's not like flippin middle sku where the "loner" is always teased around. This is college.... aight?</p>

<p>Stop worrying. Get yourself straight. Act the way YOU want to act. Why change who you are for others? Who YOU really are is who YOU should really be. </p>

<p>Aight man, take care. don't kill yourself.</p>

8

<p>looks like someones being a bit...</p>

<p>emo</p>

9

<p>bah humbug.</p>

<p>Everyone suffers from being "emo" at some point in their lives. There's nothing wrong with this, and it's therapeutic and helpful to share it with others in an open manner.</p>

<p>What I would advise the OP: Build up your confidence by speaking your mind more often without letting the fear of disapproval or disagreement stop you. As long as you know it's not openly and obnoxiously offensive, it's ok if others disagree.</p>

<p>Do not assume. Do not pass judgment too quickly. Get yourself in social situations often and try and be yourself. If you do not feel comfortable, do not pass judgments on those folks you hung out with (oh they are weird/oh they are not my type/oh they think i'm weird/oh this is so awkward) or on yourself (i'm so antisocial/i should have said this/i don't fit). Put yourself in the same situation and keep trying without being pushy. Expectations should not be too high.</p>

<p>Yes, and try cutting down on the neurotic complex. Some of us have the tendency to think too much. Again, suspend those thoughts and try and focus on what is real. It's really a habit of the mind that must be curtailed as much as possible.</p>

<p>Don't be afraid to get to know someone. If you think someone's into you, do not attach too much importance to that. Whether you get shy or overly expectant, you're caring too much about this issue! Get to know the girl as a friend, first as a group, then when you are more comfortable, as a casual date. Things take time. Remember that always.</p>