<p>I have an older brother who wanted a motorcycle when he was about the same age of your son. My mom was upset and being a typical clueless kid he didn’t understand why “because he was an adult.” Anyway, rather than fighting my mom simply told him she didn’t want him to get one because she loved him too much. He never brought it up again.</p>
<p>MJP,</p>
<p>I laughed reading your post, we had the exact situation with our son a few nights ago, I could have wrote it. He’s got a good summer job lined up, he’s figuring his summer earnings, out of the blue, “I’m going to buy a motorcycle.” We don’t have motorcycles, he’s never ridden one but he’s asked about the classes the DMV puts on. We had a short heated discussion about money, college, safety etc. Basically it came down to me saying “there’s lots of things your mom and I would like to spend our money on and enjoy if we weren’t paying for your college, we’re sacrificing our spending wishes for this and you’re pitching in for this too.” That’s the last we’ve heard. Graduation can’t get here soon enough, senioritis has overtaken him. He’s been blowing off working on a graduation speech. He’ll probably write it the night before. He’s either totally relaxed or totally touchy with a chip on his shoulder.</p>
<p>Nature’s way of helping them move out and us to let them go.</p>
<p>If you are financially supporting your son, how he spends “his” money is most certainly your business. Who is in charge at your home? If you feel strongly that you do not approve of his buying a motorcycle, then tell your son that when he is totally supporting himself financially in every way, then of course his adult decisions are his own. But if he accepts support from you, it is every bit your business what he does with his money. The $ he currently enjoys from his job is only available to him because YOU are providing a car, a home, food, college education costs, clothing, insurance etc. If it were my kid, (and believe me, I’ve been there) I would tell him that if he makes this “adult” decision to spend his $ on a motorcycle at this time, that he will now be taking on all the responsibilities of adulthood, including paying for his own living quarters, utilities, insurance, college, transportation, food, clothing, etc. Starting with the first moment that the motorcycle is bought. The Golden Rule applies here: He who has the gold rules.</p>
<p>What concerns me more are the comments you make regarding his mood swings and behavior. It might not be just senioritis. Is his unreasonableness and argumentativeness very out of character? What about risk-taking behavior and excessive spending? Sudden increased interest in girls? Check out the symptom list for hypomania. Age 19 is a typical time for symptoms of bipolar disorder to appear. Start taking notes on what you see, and if you see a personality change in him, don’t ignore it. Hang in there, and good luck to you and your family.</p>
<p>I agree with those who say that if you are paying for college and (more to the point) for his health insurance, you have a say in whether he buys a motorcycle.</p>
<p>Full disclosure: I used the “not while you are young and not while you are on our insurance” line many times with my own son. He’s now 30, has a good job with good insurance, and guess what he just bought… I’m still sick with worry, but he’s a stable adult, not a teenager.</p>
<p>Other than that, the attitude and stress of this final summer are pretty typical. They are feeling very restless, worried, excited and anxious while they are trying to “be adults”. Problem is, they don’t know how. You have our best wishes.</p>
<p>I remember reading somewhere a long time ago that kids, when it’s time to leave home, often start arguing and getting kinda nasty because leaving home is tough, and it’s easier to leave with a “Phew! I’m outta here!” attitude than the more honest “I’m really gonna miss you guys.” I thought it made a lot of sense.</p>
<p>My dad rode motorcycles – until a drunk driver in a car hit him and sent him to the hospital for 6 months where he had multiple surgeries to save his leg. Years later when I wanted to ride one, this is what he said: “Yeah, motorcycles are fun. If you want to ride a motorcycle, though, you’ve just got to understand this one thing: You WILL get hurt. It’s not a question of ‘if.’ It’s a certainty. You WILL get hurt. The question is just how badly you’ll get hurt. Do you understand that?”</p>
<p>I stuck to my car.</p>
<p>Thanks for all of your comments. Although my son is still upset with my wife and I, and has been avoiding direct contact with us today, we have not heard anymore from him about the purchase of the motorcycle…yet. I wrote him a long email today so he could read it when he was alone after work. I essentially laid it on the line and told him that we love him and fear for his safety, I also included a detailed financial spread sheet (of our expenses) to try to get him to understand why we think the motorcycle is a frivilous purchase at this point in time. We also told him that if he did decide to make the purchase than their would be consequences. I will keep you posted…thanks to all, everyones comments have really made my wife I feel better.</p>
<p>I think gimmechocolate’s take is pretty accurate. Kids view college as the “real deal” that’s going to make or break them; how he does there is going to determine (in his mind, at least) his entire life. It’s a strange pressure cooker of a summer.</p>
<p>It sounds like your son is a high energy guy. If you have the money, I suggest that you try to channel the high energy away from the motorcycle to a different, safer sport and plan an end of summer trip to look forward to focused on a safer kind of thrill. For example, biking trip, scuba diving, hiking, etc. This could also be a last father-son trip which boys tend to really enjoy the undivided attention of their fathers. Perhaps bring a best friend if this makes sense. If you can find something outdoorsy and athletic near your house or with a discount fare, and if you can afford it, I highly recommend “rewarding” your son’s hard work over the summer with something energetic and healthy to look forward to before heading off to college. Hopefully, this could change the topic of conversation from “motorcycle” to fun summer trip.</p>
<p>dont know what your financial arrangements but…as another discussion point, what about student loans? My son will be taking out loans so that he “has some skin in the game”. I expect we will help him pay them off, assuming good grades, completion, attitude, etc. He is also responsible for books, fun $ etc. College is an expensive time for almost all families. Paying down those loans would take priority over a discretionary motorcycle purchase.</p>
<p>My ER nurse friend calls people who ride on motorcycles “Organ Donors.” Working in a hospital in Philadelphia, she sees it happen repeatedly.</p>
<p>I suggest you tell him he has to pay for the insurance himself. Have him research it. My son was shocked that car insurance for him, 22 year old male, was about 3k a year. Gotta believe motorcycle insurance is even more.</p>
<p>Well, along the lines of ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’, motorcycle riding in traffic will make you forever a better driver. You can not take your eyes off the road, you have to inspect the road surface for hazards, you have to be hyper vigilant concerning blind spots, screwy drivers, and so on. He’ll have to get a license. You could insist on lessons and have him price them. You can insist he call your insurance agent for rates. You can insist on wearing a helmet, if you’re in a helmet-optional state.</p>
<p>I rode one for a few years and never got hurt. My husband had a little one during college that allowed him to commute to campus from a fairly far-away apartment. My 2 BILs have big bikes (which are safer than little cheaper ones) and so far, they’re fine. They both ride responsibly - no racing, etc. It isn’t a death sentence to ride a motorcycle.</p>
<p>MJP - I agree with the other posters that your S’s impulsive and out-of-the-ordinary behavior is pretty typical for where he is in his life. You’ve told him what your expectation is and I’m sure this will be a distant memory in years.</p>
<p>I also think it is healthy that he is trying to separate a bit - just consider the alternative!</p>
<p>Also, my very responsible brother bought a Harley 2 years ago…he was 39. Always had wanted one, set a goal for his business and when he hit it, the bike was his reward. My mother called ME sobbing. I thought someone had died, she was so hysterical. We’ve had fun laughing about it. BUT, if he had done it 20 years ago, the ENTIRE family would have been scared for his life.</p>
<p>As I recall, my mother bribed my brother with a substantial sum of cash, maybe $5000 (in a time when my college cost $2500 a year!) if he never rode a motorcycle until he was 25. He turned 25, was safer and saner than at 18, bought his bike and rode it responsibly.</p>
<p>I worked on a hospital ward when I was in high-school and college and I talked to one of the nurses about motorcycles one evening - she said that a lot of people wind up in trees and in the hospital. I think that those gangs of 50-year-old midlife crisis riders ride safely in a pack.</p>
<p>A friend of mine was involved in an accident several years ago - he was on his motorcycle and was hit by a lady driving an infant in a minivan. She thought that she had the right of way - the police officer disagreed. He walked away from the crash and sold the motorcycle afterwards. It really shook him up. The realization that a small mistake by another driver could be fatal for him. Given the number of angry drivers, those using cellphones for texting and other distractions, I’d say that the risks are far greater in a motorcycle than a car.</p>
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<p>As a small technicality, generally the state driving laws no longer give any driver the right of way. Instead, the say which vehicle is required to yield.</p>
<p>For example, at a stoplight intersection where the North/South traffic has a red light and the East/West has the green light. Who has the right of way? Nobody. State law doesn’t give anybody the right of way. It does say the North/South is requird to yield to the East/West traffic.</p>
<p>In the case of your son, “she didn’t think she was required to yield to the motorcycle, so she ran into him”, which clearly is a bad way of thinking.</p>
<p>25 years ago my oldest brother who was then 18 and had just graduated HS, informed my parents he was going to purchase a motorcycle. Arguments back and forth for a few weeks especially between my father and brother. My father was vehemently opposed to a motorcycle due to safety concerns. One day my brother walked in the house and said he no longer was interested in buying a motorcycle. Apparently he had witnessed an accident between a car and motorcycle which was fatal for the motorcycle driver. I’m not sure how the whole motorcycle situation would have ended in our house if my brother had not seen this horrible event as a teenager.</p>
<p>As the parent of an 18 yo son who will graduate in one month, I completely understand the mood swings and tension. I have to keep reminding my son that there are still consequences and that he still lives in our house with our rules. Since he has the use of one of our cars regularly, I’ve told him that the car will not be his to use if he can’t follow our rules. Does he like it? No of course not, but he knows I’m not just threatening him. In addition I am aware that my son is a risk taker which means I remind him regularly that he needs to use his brain and evaluate situations and do what is right. Does it help?..I don’t know but I can only try.</p>
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<p>It was a friend; not my son. Son doesn’t have a drivers license yet. He was on the main road making a left turn. She was on a side road making a left turn. She had stopped while he was slowing down to make the left turn. She assumed that he was coming to a stop as she thought that she had the right of way and that he was stopping for her. She started up and drove into him from the side slowly but he was able to get up and out of the way of the car as her front was hitting the side of his bike. He was able to repair the motorbike himself (he’s handy with a torch) and collected a decent amount of money from her insurance company - they just gave it to him.</p>
<p>In this case, the police officer determined that my friend had the right of way so I will assume that he knows the law in our state in this matter.</p>