Seriously Overprotective Parent

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>I didn’t say to become completely hands off, but parents assume if they’re not there to do things for their child, they won’t get done. In some cases this may be true, but if the child never experiences failure or difficulty then that is a problem as well. This is why so many are developing entitled attitudes. </p>

<p>If you treat a child like they are incapable of doing something, they are less likely to believe they can do it. Just like some people in society believe girls cannot, or should not, excel in math or science - girls raised with this attitude often lose value in and do not succeed in those subjects. Girls who are not raised with this attitude will average the same success as boys. People are very aware of the expectations others have of them, and if those expectations are low, then their own standards are often lower than they otherwise might be (although there are always outliers).</p>

<p>Children were not coddled this way in the past. Generations always teeter back and forth based on how the previous generation was raised. I’m just very disappointed in my generation and the low expectations we were given. If you keep telling your kids, “what would you do without me?” they will eventually wonder the same thing.</p>

<p>I agree everyone matures at different rates. But immaturity doesn’t mean they will not survive if given a longer leash. Financially independent people can certainly be emotionally immature for a very long time. I would not use CC anecdotes to make a point - parents on CC, and particularly those who spend a lot of time on CC, are, by nature of being here, more “hands-on.” The “hands-off” parents would not be here to talk about their children and experiences. And IRL we tend to stick with more like-minded individuals, and even then, anecdotes are not always the complete truth.</p>

<p>Yes, records pertaining to illegal activity is different than asking for grades. This is the same with confidentiality in counseling - if the patient could be a harm to their self or to others, the counselor may (and should) speak out. </p>

<p>My feelings are that if the parent cannot just have a conversation with their child, and instead has to contact the school directly to demand grades, then why bother paying for it at all? If the child doesn’t value it and hides or lies about their progress, what is the investment really worth to them? Forcing a kid to earn good grades won’t provide them success in the workforce. Again, the skills to do each can be vasty different. The kid might be an excellent manager one day, but be terrible at memorizing theories in the classroom. </p>

<p>To bring this full-circle back to the OP: Hopefully your mother has instilled some values and basic sense in you to take care of yourself. She cannot be there to hide you from evil at all times, and eventually she has to accept that bad things do happen, she can’t always protect you, but you can do your best to protect yourself. She can give you advice, put you in self-defense courses, give you mace - but tailing you to your tutoring session is beyond protective and will harm your relationships with your peers and faculty at the college. What is the point of living if you have to live in fear and stunt your personal success? Be smart, take precautions, and live. </p>

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<p>Not sure by telling my kid she needs to obtain at minimum 3.0 GPA for me to continue to fund her education is considered doing work for my child. My boss tells me I have to perform at a certain level for me to be employed. No different.</p>

<p>By showing your kid how to do something is not telling your kid he/she doesn’t how to do it. By being hands off also won’t make your kid more successful or have more confidence. As an example, I hired a private college counselor to help D2 with her college process. She learned greatly from the experience. Now she is getting ready for her law school application. I asked her if she needed a coach. She said no, this time around she is an adult and she is prepared to do it on her own, and she’ll ask for my help if she needs it. My older one is self supporting, but when it comes to investment or real estate transaction, she is still not prepared to do it on her own, so she asks me for help. Should I just tell her to do it on her own because that’s a good way to learn or should I pass on my years of knowledge so she doesn’t always need to learn it the hard way. Same with kids in college. When the student is failing in class, would it be better for parent to step in to see if there is LD, stress or other factors that maybe causing it. If it is none of the above, maybe the student is partying too much or not going to office hours or bad time management. Would it be better for the parent to step aside and have the student try to muddle through and in the process getting into a point of no return or would it better for the parent to show some guidance to make sure the student is back on the right track?</p>

<p>This is getting off the tangent…The reason young people from better social economic background do better (or have head start) is because they have parents who have better insight on how to navigate through life and provide them with better support system. So, if you want to throw your kid into life on their own so they could figure it out the hard way, go ahead, but I am going to pass on my years of experience to my kids.</p>

<p>For the record, sitting in on the tutoring session is over the top. </p>

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<p>But you’re missing my point entirely. Not everything I said (or even most of it) was directed at you or your situation. Most of it was hypothetical based on a few loose examples that were provided in this thread. Others here made comments that I was also responding to with a broad brushed post. And I included observations outside of CC.</p>

<p>Helping and hovering are two different concepts. And I would argue that kids can do just as well if their parents don’t have experience or input (mine are still clueless about college and the workforce and I was highly successful in school and work). You are equating “passing on experience” with, “I NEED to do this for them because they just can’t do it on their own!” They are different responses. A parent talking to their kids about grades out of concern? Helping. A parent demanding records from a school because they don’t trust their kid or the kid wants privacy is unnecessary - if the situation is to provide a GPA in exchange for funds, then fine, that was (presumably) a mutually agreed-upon decision by both parties. But going behind your child’s back and demanding the records from the school? Excessive and intrusive. If it really gets to that point, the parent should just drop funding and let the kid figure it out because there are bigger issues there than a student’s grades.</p>

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<p>You can always ask you child to sign a FERPA waiver so you can see the grades. Or say I don’t write the check for the second semester until I see the first semesters grades.</p>