<p>While my husband and I certainly discuss these issues, it’s ultimately his decision. It’s his father who has spoken with him at length about these issues initially. We adopt the babysitter model at our house. Dad sets the rules, we both enforce them. </p>
<p>I doubt there will be any lawsuits over the outcome, whatever it is.</p>
<p>Kharts, If it were me (and kudos to you for caring and being involved) I’d be inclined to tell him that we’ll pay tuition to whatever school he’s accepted to and excited about. Worst case, he lasts a semester. Best case, he gets to control his future. Then, I’d back off.</p>
<p>Right now he seems to lack the organizational skills to make college a reality, so just getting in the apps, finding his social security number, filling out a bunch of tedious forms would be a big step forward for him. So- stop helping. If he can get his act together enough to get himself somewhere out of state, that’s positive. He could be in Nirvana, but if it’s a public in Texas he’s going to resent and hate you for not supporting his choices (like you did for his sibs) and that will continue the spiral.</p>
<p>And if it were me? No more offers to take him visiting. Let him come to me with a plan, “oh I found this neat college in Ohio. I could take Greyhound which is a 30 hour ride and costs $87 one way. What do you think and can you help me with bus fare?” The biggest gift you can give him right now is to tap his inner resourcefulness for a cause he believes in, i.e. himself. I would not be inclined to be shoving catalogues of neat schools at him… whether in state or out. Let him go online and register to get the mail, let him realize that a degree in computer gaming requires that he pass HS math, physics, etc, let him realize that without a recommendation from a teacher he’s limited himself to enlisting in the military or going the CC route.</p>
<p>What I see missing here are the basic tenets of a relationship. Without those it’s hard to see the usual approaches (counseling, negotiating, rewarding, deal making, etc.) having any influence on the young man. At beginning of junior year HS parents say “You must do better if you want your dream of an OOS college.” Son responds by having worst year ever, and (apparently) blames the parents for not “supporting” him. A rational individual might have thought “Fabulous, all I need is one good year and I’m free of this family forever!” Obviously the young man was thinking something entirely different.</p>
<p>Your limitation is paying for college. <em>His</em> limitation is the schools he’ll be able to attend based on his grades and whether or not he takes the SAT.</p>
<p>Lower than a 2.3 junior year? Will he be eligible to graduate on time?</p>
<p>I hear you about how hard it is when kids aren’t in an environment that supports getting to college. I was in one, and I have relatives who continue to be. It has definitely affected the way DH and I have approached our kids’ education.</p>
<p>I think blossom nails it. Just back off and let him dig his own grave. FWIW I have family members who went down this trail and ended up enlisting in the military and that was the best thing that could have happened and I think for this kid Navy, Air Force and Coast Guard should be looked at. You don’t want him getting shot at or blown up with roadside bombs, but he does need to get his b*** kicked.</p>
<p>I would have this young man tested for ADD. It may be anger and rebelliousness, but it may be something else.</p>
<p>I know my son, who does have ADD, could definitely “forget” his SAT’s, especially when anxiety is involved. His medication helps him enormously.</p>
<p>If he’s dead set on getting out of state and can be accepted at an accredited college I would not refuse to send hum, but I would set a minimum GPA to allow him to return.</p>
<p>You probably can’t convince him pf this, but 2 yrs. of cc and then 2 yrs. out of state would probably be ideal. Many of our students fit this profile, and many of them succeed.</p>
<p>Don’t know that military would be a great choice. I know many people who say it’s a great way to gain maturity but it sounds like this boy may have more issues than just immaturity.
My S is headed for a Navy career. He spent a month on a Naval vessel this summer. Much is expected of young sailors and I suspect those with anger issues or disregarding orders would soon be miserable and in big trouble. Also time spent in ports is about as wild as anything you can imagine. These young people are completely on their own in foreign countries and responsible for themselves, not a good scenario for someone who forgot to go take the SAT. Just my opinion.</p>