Sexual Assault Ruins a Victim's Life and Institutions Don't do Enough to Help Them

Student Lounge College Life
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I was conflicted to make this post, but I’m slightly upset. Also…potential trigger warning??

My situation isn’t the same as all victims. But a tldr is I was sexually assaulted last semester by one of my good friends. My parents and older sister all know what happened. Yes, after it happened I got appropriate medical care and treatment. And no, I did not go through with a rape kit. Hearing the process of how it is done- I couldn’t go through with it personally and I didn’t want to go press charges- go through that entire process. I was already suffering enough and I felt it would make it worse for me.

My older sister wanted me to take time off from school after it happened,but my parents firmly were against it. I had even told my parents about how much I was suffering and how much trouble I was having concentrating and memory issues. One of the worst things was that I couldn’t think straight or remember what I’d think 10 seconds ago. But my parents brushed it aside and said you can finish the semester. My sister was also no help and said I’d just have to go through with it.

My family never wanted to report the incident to the school and a lot of what they did was to cover up what happened. They also victim blamed me and said a lot of horrible things/acted irrationally to me. I get it- it was an upsetting to hear …but I was trying so so hard to be put together and understanding of them…but they couldn’t for me?? They couldn’t think a little more about how I was feeling?

So since I was struggling horribly in school-- I took a medical withdrawal for a different reason. I had some health issues still which could warrant the withdrawal. So I lost my entire semester’s courses and got my scholarships put in jeopardy. I also didn’t tell my parents since the backlash would have been horrible.

This semester, I was doing pretty well until…just being on campus started triggering a lot of emotions and memories. I had actually blocked off almost all of my memories from my last semester- I couldn’t remember when people would say something happened last semester and I was definitely there for it. So it started affecting me, but I was still trying my best.

I’m now seeking counseling/meeting a psychologist to get help because I need it.

I finally reported to my school and the school told me that…even if I had come forward earlier (last semester), they wouldn’t have done anything different. Even now, they can do almost nothing in terms of academics. Something as simple as getting an extension for a paper was denied basically. I also asked even if I brought documentation of the event- would this change anything? The answer was the same. There would be really no accommodations made simply because they couldn’t challenge departmental policies or the sort. Professors had final say and rights on whether I could receive an extension.

Our college’s code of conduct states that students who have faced sexual misconduct can REQUEST for academic accommodation…but the wording also implies they can be denied.

Not to mention the fact that the reporting process at times- felt like they didn’t need as much information as they asked. Maybe it was my fault for not explicitly asking- what do you even need in the report? Because I only want to give as much information as I feel comfortable doing so. It’s in the past though…so I have to move on.

So…I get it. Schools wouldn’t give this special treatment over other issues even. But I really feel that sexual assault is one of the worst crimes anyone can commit after murder.

The effects on victims are long lasting and I’ll never get back my time and money from all of this. So many people drop out of college because this and …something has to change…or maybe I am wrong.

I just feel it’s so unfair because my life will forever be affected because of an action I didn’t even make. Something I had no control over.

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It is unfair. But going to be honest — your decision not to go through with the rape kit and press charges puts you in a spot where it is difficult for the college to take action.

It sounds like you are getting counseling, which is good. Have you considered transferring? It might be a path to explore.

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@intparent

I was starting to consider it…but I really did like my school and want to attend here. Also, I don’t know what schools will even take me considering I am on academic probation currrently and if they were to see transcripts- the last semester of withdrawals is just a red flag. To top it off, transfers get minimal scholarships…but it might be the better option at this point if a school is even willing to take me.

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I am so sorry this happened to you. Counseling is definitely the way to go here, and I think it’s totally appropriate for you to take a leave of absence if you can.

It’s unfair but you can get to a place where you can control how you deal with things going forward. Many of us have had to. You are stronger than you think.

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I don’t think not going through with a rape kit should have anything to do with the college’s own process. Schools typically have their own investigative processes and they often do a horrible job, but they do have them and they can utilize them and make decisions based on them. @MuffinLord1, I have see many women go through this. I don’t have a lot of advice but I would encourage you to be in touch with other students in a support forum for rape survivors. Just knowing you are not alone in this process will help you.

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It is a lot harder for a college to argue when legal charges are filed. I think that is a fact.

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I don’t know what the problem was with even the most simplest requests though. That’s more of where my shock comes into play. Asking for an extension on a paper was hard for them to even grant. Its fine though- I guess I’ll just deal with the stuff on my own individually with professors. @intparent

Thanks for the advice also @CCtoAlaska

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Regarding academic accommodations, the usual way to get those is to have a documented medical issue (depression, anxiety?) that you are getting treatment for and then you go to the disabilities office. They write a letter for you to give to professors explaining that you have met with that office. Some letters state that you are entitled to certain accommodations, while other letters suggest that faculty might just consider making accommodations. The letter is helpful because otherwise it is awkward to go prof to prof talking about your problems. But if there is just a particular term paper you want more time on, you could just talk to that prof directly. You might end up with a lower grade if it takes you so much longer to complete, but this is something you could discuss. A university office wouldn’t deal with paper extensions.

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I wasn’t sure of the whole entire process. At least from what I know-- my school has us submit medical documentation for absences and the sort to the Dean of Students Office and then they contact our professors to discuss the situation/tell them to do xyz. Since this is title ix related, they deal with it as well.

They also did not refer me to the Disability Office or inform me of how I would go about getting an extension. So thanks for that information, I guess. They did say they would try to give it if they got in word confirmation from my professor that he would be willing to give an extension as long as their office said I could receive one? I don’t really get how that makes full sense, but I did get that confirmation from my professor. Sent it their way and have yet to receive a response. @CheddarcheeseMN