Sensitive

Parents Forum
1

<p>I would like to reach out to some of the parents and try and get some perspective from them.</p>

<p>I have had a very difficult freshman year. I go to a top university on the East Coast (think HYP). I'm from the West Coast, and though adjustment was not easy, I really did not have a very hard time being away from home and my family. Yes, I missed them, but I was extremely happy at school. I was doing pretty well, getting in the B to A- range at college.</p>

<p>I began to struggle in my language class, and was felt very overwhelmed with the work for that class. I started to get really low test grades, and my class grade for the class was in the B- range.</p>

<p>I was sexually assaulted in early December. Finals are after winter break here, but there is still a lot of work due right before the winter break. I did pretty terribly on a couple tests and papers. Going home helped, but I still did not do very well on my finals. I ended up getting a C+, B, and two B+. I was content enough with that. It's been very difficult to cope with what's happened to me. I see a therapist on campus now at least once a week, sometimes twice if she sees fit. I've reached out to my academic advisors and other administrators.</p>

<p>Still, the shame about what happened stopped me from telling anybody in my own family, until very recently.</p>

<p>The only reason I did is that my therapist recommended I get a consultation with a psychiatrist, and I know I don't have the money to pay for any drugs out of pocket. I have been extremely depressed and have had a lot of issues with anxiety. I have at times thought about suicide, so I can see why my therapist thinks medication could be helpful.</p>

<p>I mentioned to my mother that I hadn't been feeling well and that I had been going to therapy for some time. She felt pretty betrayed at first, since it had been months and I hadn't told her a thing. When I mentioned that my therapist thought medication might be necessary, she freaked out. She started asking a bunch of questions. I finally caved and told her I had been sexually assaulted. She started asking questions that I really didn't want to answer about that night.</p>

<p>It finally came out that I had been intoxicated during the incident. The very first thing she says to me is "Ay, ______, but that's just so OBVIOUS"</p>

<p>It was a slap in the face. I've been struggling for months with my own feelings of shame and guilt, only to have her say that it was "obvious." I don't need her validating that this was my fault. It honestly felt like she was saying that it was my stupid mistake for drinking, and that I had basically been asking for it.</p>

<p>I come from a pretty conservative Hispanic Catholic background, and my parents and I have never discussed sex. It was always taboo to talk about that kind of thing, which I think is one of the reasons why I am having such feelings of shame and guilt about it.</p>

<p>I was very angry with her and wouldn't talk to her for a week. Then she sent me an email telling me she supported me and wanted to be there for me and that she loved me. I don't doubt that she loves me, but I can still feel the sting from her initial words. I honestly cried all day about that. </p>

<p>Now she's thinking about visiting me next week and I don't really want her to come. She's going to want to talk about it and I honestly don't feel like talking to her about it ever again. I can't bear the thought of having to see her after what she's said to me, even though I know she loves me. It still feels like she loves me 'despite my mistake,' and with all the schoolwork I'm trying to keep up with (and not being successful, I'm getting a lot of pressure from my therapist and administration to consider withdrawing and coming back as a freshman next year) I don't know if I could deal with it. </p>

<p>I'm not failing any classes yet, but I do have an impossible time completing work.</p>

<p>Even though I don't want to see her, I know she really wants to see me, because I'm her daughter and now her instincts are to come down and try to save me. She can't. All I can see this doing is getting me worked up and upset and even further disabled from doing any work. I feel very bad telling her I don't want to see her, and I don't know what I should do. But honestly, this is more about me than her.</p>

2

<p>Wow - I am really sorry for what happened to you. </p>

<p>Do you mind if I just say a few things about your mother…Your mother’s reaction was an instinctive reaction from her upbringing, and maybe of ignorance. Even with her strong conservative Catholic upbringing, your welfare is what’s important to her. It is demonstrated by her email to you and her willingness to fly cross country to see you. If it was my daughter, I would want to see her and try to offer my support in person.</p>

<p>A very good friend of mine son told her he was gay. She was upset at first, not because he was gay, but felt betrayed. She felt worse that her son didn’t trust her enough to tell her earlier, but she soon got over it. I think your mother may have felt the same initially, but soon realized it’s not about her. </p>

<p>As a mother, I understand why your mother may want to see you. I am sure she feels guilty not to have been there for you earlier. Of course, this is more about you. But if you could allow your mother to be there, you may find it helpful and even make two of you closer.</p>

<p>It is good you are getting help. Wishing you well.</p>

3

<p>With all that is going on for you, please realize those grades are not bad at all, just not up to your own exacting standards. You are in no danger of failing. Give yourself a break. Straight A’s are not the be-all and end-all of life.
Hang in there.</p>

4

<p>This is tough. I’m not the most sensitive guy around, but you surely need the courtesy of a response. This is not the time to get into defining rape, or sexual assault, or seeking details on the part liquor may have played on you, or your alleged attacker, whether or not is really was an attack, or just regrets now- none of that is for me to decide.
Please allow me to say that I am sorry you feel you were attacked and that you are feeling so bad now. Yes, you made a mistake. Your mistake was not telling your mother right away. Eventually coming forward with bits and pieces until she got the whole story was a slap in her face. It says to a parent that you don’t have the trust in the parent to come to them with the truth- the whole truth the first time. Not coming forward fully also gives the impression you have something more to hide. It could make a parent skeptical of your story.
She responded in anger, and said words that angered you. You may have been at fault for drinking(to some degree) but you didn’t “ask for it”, unless you actually asked for it. Did you “make a mistake” as she says? Clearly, choosing to drink what you did contributed. But was there a bigger mistake? Maybe yes, maybe no- I wasn’t there and it’s not my place to say. Try to know your mother is hurt too, that your actions indicated you didn’t trust her. Know too, that she may be hurting, feeling that this terrible thing may have happened because of something she failed to teach you. She may be thinking- “Did I fail as a parent”?</p>

<p>I urge you to have patience with your mother, tolerate her questions/discussions because she wants the best for you. In the meantime, continue with therapy, and take your therapists’ advice to see a psych. The psych may or may not prescribe medications, but I urge you to get an evaluation and counseling from the doc. My best wishes to you now and in the future.</p>

5

<p>The first semester grades turned out alright because the work I had done prior to my problems balanced out the bad grades in the end.</p>

<p>This semester won’t have that, and so I am worried about it. I have a meeting with my academic advisors next week, I may end up dropping a course, though they’ll likely mention withdrawal as an option (they’ve been mentioning it to me the past month).</p>

<p>As to this particular situation, I am conflicted between trying to protect my own emotions/feelings, and being cold to my mother. I do care about her, but I’m just really sensitive about everything that is going on and still feeling the sting of her initial reaction. </p>

<p>I do realize why she probably reacted that way but that doesn’t stop it from hurting me, or from making me question even more the feelings I’ve been trying to resolve.</p>

<hr>

<p>Yeah, I don’t wish to discuss specifics about the actual incident, just about the way in which I should deal with my mother. I don’t want to talk about whether the incident “merits” as “sexual assault.” </p>

<p>I am not asking for any analyzation about it, and I don’t mean for others to scrutinize the actual incident but it would be impossible to ask for advice about my mother without the details as to the unique nature of the difficulty I am facing.</p>

<p>I know she felt betrayed that I didn’t tell her immediately, but I just couldn’t. I honestly felt rushed into doing it by the thought of medication and the money I thought I would need for them if they were deemed necessary. The nature of my family and the nature of the incident makes it very hard for me to talk about to her at all, and I didn’t tell my mother because of this. I also thought it would disappoint her, since I’ve always felt a lot of pressure from my family to do well and I thought I would disappoint her if I wasn’t so “perfect” anymore. We’ve never been a particularly open family and the thought of shattering her dreams of perfection and having her see me in a different light seemed too much to handle, when I was already having enough issues just trying to function at school.</p>

6

<p>I am so sorry you are going through this. You are dealing with enough on your own without having to deal with family drama.</p>

<p>Have you told your mom all this? That her initial reaction really hurt you, that you feel like she loves you “despite my mistake”, the reasons why you didn’t tell her initially, etc… You say your family doesn’t communicate well. Perhaps it would help to tell her these things in an email or letter? Sometimes when you have trouble expressing things emotionally, it is easier to do so in written form, rather than face to face. She knows you are hurting and she wants to help. </p>

<p>If you open up the lines of communication in written form, then when you do see her in person, it might not be so painful. </p>

<p>Younghoss – You may have been trying to be helpful but the wording of your response was terrible (references to alleged attacker, you feel you were attacked, etc…)</p>

7

<p>roughfroshyr - I recently read another story about a young woman who was sexually assaulted. She withdrew from her University and was depressed, distrustful and afraid.</p>

<p>See story here:</p>

<p>[Bellmore</a> rape victim gets on with her life – Newsday.com](<a href=“Long Island News | Nassau & Suffolk - Newsday”>Newsday | Long Island's & NYC's News Source - Newsday)</p>

<p>You mention twice in different posts that your advisors have mentioned withdrawal. They have the experience and the background for their advice. They have been down this road before and they want you to return next year for a fresh start.</p>

<p>If you do withdraw it will mean returning home and no doubt this is a difficult option for you.</p>

<p>Your Mom will always love you no matter what. She is reaching out to you by planning a visit. If your Mom does visit what about setting up a joint appointment with your therapist for you and your Mom to talk? It might clear the air.</p>

<p>I bet almost every parent who read your post would think that your Mom did make a mistake in her remarks. And every parent knows they would then do everything in their power to support their daughter no matter what.</p>

<p>Since your Mom is conservative Catholic no doubt she has confessed her error and repented of it. Now, she is ready to be your Mom. How about you let her?</p>

8

<p>So sorry to hear about your assault and your difficulties. You were smart to get therapy and to follow your therapist’s recommendations. They sound quite reasonable. Safety comes first. Please follow her suggestions.</p>

<p>As for your mother visiting, you might consider a few options. Do you and your mom have a good relationship? Prior to this incident, has she been generally supportive of you? It sounds like you are anxious about the visit in part because of the anticipation of what you will be asked and expected to talk about. Is there any part of her visit that could be helpful and reassuring to you? </p>

<p>My suggestion is to set a gentle boundary about the topics of conversation in advance of her visit. You might consider telling her that you are looking forward to seeing her and that her support means a lot to you, but that you are not comfortable discussing the assault or any issues related to it or the people involved at this time. Let her know that you understand that she has feelings about this issue too, and that she is worried about you, but that if she wants to visit, you would ask in advance for her understanding and agreement not to talk about the matter during this visit. If she can agree to that, then you look forward to and welcome her visit (if that is in fact true and it isnt taking too much time away from studies right now). Hopefully she can accept this and you can have a nice visit without your worrying about what she might ask or say. Hopefully that will reduce your apprehension. YOu might also consider scheduling a therapy visit while she is visiting you, and perhaps, if appropriate, inviting her to attend the session with you. Good luck, and stay safe.</p>

9

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<p>This admission may have as much to do with your depression and angry feelings toward your mom as the assault does. It’s wonderful that you can express this.
As a mom who also has always wanted my kids to do well, please believe me when I say that your mom has no illusions about your being perfect. You will not disappoint her with your performance in anything, but you may disappoint her by not being open or trusting her to understand and be helpful. </p>

<p>Most mothers would rather take the blows for their kids than let them hurt in any way, even though we know this is neither rational or even very healthy for them. When something bad does happen, we naturally feel guilty that we “allowed” it to happen. Please understand that your mom’s reaction was most likely not a judgement of your guilt, but a reaction due to her own guilt.</p>

<pre><code>It sounds like you are suffering quite a lot, and it’s painful to hear. I think that if you could get the psychiatric counseling you need and your therapist recommends, it would be a great help. If you could involve your mom with this process, you would be doing you and your mom a favor. You might want to consider taking a year off to restore your spirit and your interest in school. It seems like it would be almost impossible to get the most out of your college experience feeling as you do.
</code></pre>

<p>Take heart, dear. With the right help, you can heal, and be even stronger than before. Best wishes.</p>

10

<p>I am sorry if my wording was terrible. It was my hope to be objective- to neither agree she was attacked nor to disagree. That seemed relevant to me since part of the Op’s dilemma was based on mothers opinion that Op may have been at fault. I can neither confirm nor deny Op’c culpability. I had hoped to focus on one possible explanation for her mother’s words, rather than the reason.
My apologies.</p>

11

<p>My daughter has done things and not told me until much later. I have done things that I have never told my mother about at all. Just because she is your mother, it doesn’t mean that she has the right to know every detail of your life. Any guilt or shame that you may be feeling about not telling her immediately is misplaced. You are an adult and have a right to your privacy.</p>

<p>She has a right to her feelings also, and she may have felt hurt that you didn’t confide in her. She may have felt disappointed that you showed poor judgement. But no one is perfect, not even you, and the sooner that both you and she come to terms with that the better. It sounds to me like she has and wants this opportunity to show you that she loves and supports you as you are, in all your lovable imperfection.</p>

<p>She’s not perfect either, and she blurted out something that she probably now kicks herself for saying. You will feel a lot better if you forgive her for that. This would be a great thing to talk to your therapist about, as I’m sure you are doing.</p>

12

<p>Is there some reason you are asking for help here, instead of from your once to twice weekly therapist? Are you sharing this thread with her? If I was your therapist, I would want to know.</p>

13

<p>So sorry to hear about the rough load you’ve been carrying alone. Am glad you are working with a therapist and am also glad you’re working with your academic advisor on this. I would listen carefully to your options and decide what makes the most sense at this point. There is great value in considering a withdrawal and returning for a fresh start if that is among the options.</p>

<p>As parents, we sometimes say things we don’t mean, especially when we’re hurting for our beloved kids. We want to be there to shield our kids from the ugliness of life and are sad and feel we didn’t do our job when our kids are attacked and we could help. I don’t know you & your mom, but suspect what she “blurted out” has a lot to do with this guilt and also being sad that you didn’t confide in her over the break. </p>

<p>It is hard for us as parents when our kids become more independent and don’t tell us about things that are important in their lives, even if it is something they are uncomfortable about.</p>

<p>I’d tell your mom that you do appreciate her understanding but really you and the therapist think that since you’re so hypersensitive now, it would be better for her to visit on _________________ (if that’s true). You need to take care of yourself first, especially while you’re feeling so vulnerable and your mom can wait a bit and perhaps reconsider her plans and words.</p>

14

<p>Hi shrinkrap,
I believe the OP said she wanted to get a parents perspective, which may be something her therapist can’t give her. I remember once when I was in grad school one of my professors said the parent of one of her clients said something like “you can’t completely understand this until you have kids of your own”. My professor said she didn’t really agree with that statement until she <em>did</em> have kids. </p>

<p>Hopefully we as parents can help look at the issue from a different angle. We can see how her mom might have felt, but also understand the OP’s issues and concerns without being directly involved. Perhaps this is a poster or lurker who has found CC feedback helpful in the past. Just thoughts…</p>

15

<p>I’m very sorry to hear about your rough first year. You have plenty of good advice here. All I want to add is that I would ask your mom not to come, and tell her you’ll handle all of this when you get home as the term ends soon. Just focus on getting through the term.</p>

16

<p>"Hi shrinkrap,
I believe the OP said she wanted to get a parents perspective, "</p>

<p>I see. Thanks. </p>

<p>Still, once to twice weekly therapy ( since December?) is fairly intense, and something a lot of schools would have referred out. OP, I hope you are taking full advantage of this, and not avoiding things in therapy ( i.e not being upfront with a therapist you feel is not being helpful, or not sharing difficult things because they seem easier to address this way).</p>

<p>You have my sympathies and well wishes.</p>

17

<p>Hi again shrinkrap,
I just noticed that you added the suggestion that the OP share this thread with her therapist. That is a good idea.</p>

18

<p>One key word plays into this “OBVIOUS”…</p>

<p>Do you really think she meant that it was obvious that you were at fault, or obvious that you were intoxicated and thus not your fault? Not that it matters, but communications are fragile and often misinterpreted, especially when you interject your own emotions into what you are hearing. And you said you were full of guilt and shame and so it is natural that you would hear accusations in ANYTHING that was said to you. You expected blame and that is what you heard, whether your Mom was really blaming you or not.</p>

<p>Bottom line is that your Mom loves you, supports you and wants to help you. It may be clumsy, awkward or downright intrusive… but that is what mom’s do. They struggle to understand and then to try and fix things. And if they can do nothing else, they can be there to hold your hand and tell you they love you. </p>

<p>You have a choice, you can accept that love, forget and forgive your mother’s initial reactions and move ahead with your life. Or you can refuse to see your mom, stay mad, hold in your resentment, shame and guilt, and hope that strangers and drugs are enough to see you through. </p>

<p>For those of us lucky enough to have families that love each other, family is the most important thing in the world. Don’t ever forget that. And for goodness sakes don’t let a “word” take your family from you. </p>

<p>JMHO</p>

19

<p>One reason I believe that you should let your mom come and visit is that you mentioned that your therapist recommended seeing a psychiatrist and perhaps getting medication. You said that the reason you finally told your mom about the therapy was because you felt you would need help with the cost of medication and treatment. I wouldn’t put this off until the end of the term. If you were ever considering suicide, as your post indicates, I would encourage you to make an appointment with a psychiatrist whom your therapist recommends as soon as possible. Now that you mom knows what’s going on, cost shouldn’t be an issue.</p>

20

<p>It’s usually only once a week, sometimes twice, I suspect if she thinks I’m feeling especially bad that week. I first went to therapy a week after the incident. The therapist had me come in for an hour every day for the next week, and then I went home for winter break.</p>

<p>She emailed me a couple times once we were back at school, but I avoided it. It wasn’t until late February that I realized that I was in a dangerous downwards spiral and began going to therapy again.</p>

<p>I am indeed scheduling the appt with they psychiatrist, just waiting for them to email me now that I gave my therapist permission ask for an urgent referral.</p>

<p>Knowing my mother, I am very sure that she meant “obvious” as in “oh how obvious, the classic girl-had-been-drinking-gets-assaulted story that i warned you so much about”</p>

<p>Thank you all for your advice in regards to my mother.</p>