Long story short, I am a victim of several sexual assaults that happened on my college campus. When I opened up to my parents about it, they want me to come home and go to school locally. The thing is, my parents are at times physically and mentally and emotionally abusive. When I first opened up to them I was told “you wanted it” and then later accused of having romantic feelings for the boy (I did not inform them of the other situations because of how they are reacting now). A while ago I have a nervous breakdown and I was alone in my room and just wanted to keep it that way but they sent me to a mental institution where I was diagnosed with PTSD and depression which many Black parents do not have a very good understanding of. I don’t feel I show be the one to leave my university while these rapists get to live their lives. I’m trying to return to my university so I could receive counseling as well as do a retroactive course withdrawal for the classes I failed due to what I’m going through mentally because of fall semester. I do not want to stay at home with my toxic family. But they are threatening to disown me if I return. I just don’t know what to do at this point. The local colleges here don’t offer my major which is mechanical engineering. I want to go back to my school this week because summer classes start today. My boyfriend offered to pick me up but it’s just… I’m not trying to be disowned. My family does the most and after I opened up to them about my recent sexual assault from October of last year, they just have no been supportive at all and to be honest I’ve just gotten even more depressed since I’ve been home and it’s been only a couple of days. My family is toxic. I need to leave this house period. But I don’t know what to do. They are so not understanding at all and all of the mean things they have said and done to me just broke my heart.
Sorry for the bad grammar and spelling errors. I was typing quickly and I don’t feel like fixing it.
Are they paying for your education? If so, how will you support yourself if you walk out the door? Do you have a therapist and could that therapist see you as a family to help you navigate this situation and get you all on a more positive path?
Can’t there be a plan C?? A much safer school?
To be honest, I would want you out of there too. I don’t even know you and I want you out of there.
Hugs for you. I’m sorry you are dealing with all of this at once. Any one thing is bad enough.
Let’s think through your options:
Go back: you are trying w/d pass from last semester. Have you begun that process? Will you be able to go back now (grades)? Does the school know about these assaults and can you feel safe? Lastly, can you afford to go if you are “disowned”?
Transfer: can you move out of your family home and take a year off? Then you could transfer to a safer school or go back if you felt it was safe and affordable?
Plan A: talk to a counselor, (assume you are) about all these options to work them through. Put your heath first.
I’m sorry your parents don’t understand this. It doesn’t matter if you ever had any romantic feelings for a rapist! What a thing to say. I’m sorry.
I don’t really have advice I’m just so sorry. So, so sorry.
I pay for my education through scholarships and my housing and phone bill are things I’m able to handle on my own.
It’s okay. Thank you
I plan to move off campus I already found an apartment and I am able to pay off the rent in full for the entire summer up front. I am financially capable for everything it’s just right now I’m being emotionally blackmailed.
I would rather have the student removed from the school and put in jail.
You are an adult (18 and older), with the ability to be financially independent. You are being emotionally blackmailed because you are allowing yourself to be. If your family is not supportive, you will need to build your own support network. It will be slow, and painful, but all the wishing in the world will not make your family something it is not. Parents who love their children want them to become happy, independent, productive members of society. I do not think any of those things would happen if you moved back home based on how you have described your relationship with your parents. You know what you need to do.
So go with plan A. Just make sure YOU are safe. Tell mom and dad you love them but you are going back to school. Period. They will get over it.
Is there any disciplinary or legal process going on with the perpetrator?
Good luck.
I felt compelled to comment. As someone who experienced a sexual assault by my best friend…and opening up about it to my family after a few days of it happening- I understand how you feel. They reacted similarly. My parents indirectly blamed me and were not exactly supportive. They would blame me for making “poor friend choices” or not evaluating a person well enough…but they really refused to hear my side of the story and listen to me. Luckily, I had at least one supportive member in the family- my sister who advocated for me and understood my side.
As a victim, the first plan of action is to make sure you are safe.This is really important. I mean safe physically and mentally. I hope that you’ve undergone the testing for STI’s and AID/HIV testing to be safe…It really is better to be safe than sorry. I don’t know exact details, but you want to rule out any issues.
I do agree with undercrackers about how you are letting yourself be blackmailed. You need to make sure you completely cut all ties with the perpetrator.
In regards to taking legal action, I think you should if you feel that you desperately want some sort of action to be taken action against the perpetrator. PM me if you want to talk more about this.
And if you can support yourself financially, then I say you should leave your home and continue at your college…but only if you feel that you will be safe and the perpetrator will not try to harm you while you are there.
When you deal with trauma of this scale, it’s imperative to find people you can trust. If you want to stay where you are, you need to file a police report and open an assault case with the university. That’s no joke! These guys are criminals and need to be locked up. Another option would be to transfer schools and live on your own. Don’t go back to your family. Going home to those people would only keep you from recovering.
Good luck Donut.
You can’t let this horrific crime define you and hinder your goals. Best of luck.
Update: I returned in the summer, filed a police report and I’ve been having therapy and counseling. My retroactive withdrawal went through and I’m currently doing very well in my classes. I almost lost my financial aid but I did an appeal that also went through and I’m receiving even more money than last year. Everything is going amazing and I want to let you guys know that I appreciate you being there during my low point when I didn’t have many to turn to. I’m not completely okay yet… That will take time… but I’m happy that I am taking action and I don’t feel stuck in the same place. Thank you for understanding when people close to me could not. It means more than you guys will ever know. <3
I’m happy for you, @DonutGoddess, that you are doing well, seeking the help you need, advocating for yourself. You’re a strong young women. I’d be proud to have a daughter like you. You should be very proud of yourself.
First off, I love your user name. I am so happy that you have found a way to return to your school and keep your scholarship. I am sorry about your family’s response. Continue with your therapy and live a good life.
Thank for updating us.
You are amazing for making everything happen despite the horrible crimes committed against you that would have levelled many of us.
Take care of yourself.