<p>Okay, had a nice chat about the subject over breakfast this morning. A very frank discussion. Bottom line…I will not be making the trip.</p>
<p>He has decided that he would like to box up items and ship prior to his departure from home a few days. He plans only to take clothing and necessities. He will check into the campus hotel the night before Honors move in day, then get up at 8:00 a.m. to retrieve his dorm key from the university. He will then go back to the hotel to wheel his one or two luggages to the dorm. His boxes should already be there for any other items he did not take.</p>
<p>His take on parents being there: The parents that attended Honors Orientation were annoying and asked too many questions. It complicated the entire process. Most were overbearing and controlling. He said that although I am not one of those parents, he doesn’t want me to have to come in contact with them either. He and I think alike and I appreciate his take. He’s having a hard enough time dealing with the fact that he will be in an Honors dorm and although he is very intelligent, he is in no way a nerd and is worrying enough that he might have an uptight roommate. </p>
<p>He would prefer I come up when he is settled and oriented so he can show ME a good time.</p>
<p>He made me cry…he really is grown up and got a really good head on his shoulders!!! I’ll just move to the center of the nest now and spread my wings a little.</p>
<p>My daughter is also very independent, traveled alone several times. I thinik you should go. He is open to it and is something that is really exciting. We went a couple of days early, explored the city together, had a nice dinner, and on move in day, helped then took off.</p>
<p>Its a different animal than sending a kid off to camp or vacation. You are equating being independent with not wanting you around. They are not equal. A young man can still be independent and take care of themselves and still enjoy having mom around to witness this big event.</p>
<p>I have several friends with boys and while the boys may APPEAR more aloof, deep down they appreciate all that mom does. </p>
<p>Many independent manly guys will have mom there for the move-in. DOn’t think you are questioning his independence by going… Its kind of sad in a way that you think you can’t be part of this transition. </p>
<p>You don’t NEED to go, but it can be something very special for a mother-son to have. As a mother of daughters, I always have found that mother-son relationship pretty amazing. Give your son the chance to take the lead on this move, treat his mom well. He may want you there, but dad seems to be dampening his</p>
<p>The only one who chimed in was DH, not DS. Moreover, “going off to college” isn’t just a rite of passage for the student; the parent has something going on there as well.</p>
<p>Finally, the distance to be traveled is irrelevant, unless airfare is a concern. To me, this is an easy answer.</p>
<p>One more thing to think about. In this process, its not just about the student. Its about the parents as well. Siblings. Pets. We all matter. If if your son has so little faith that you can’t handle dealing with annoying people, that is kind of sad to me. Right now he is just thinking about himself.</p>
<p>A grown up mature adult will see beyond his own needs and wants and desires and see that mom might liike to come. It diminishes him in know way to have mom there. You can have a nice dinner, walk around, get last minute things, and see him off.</p>
<p>Its okay not to go, but if you want to go, go. The most independent, interlligent people should be able to see that someone else might need to “help out”</p>
<p>And dad jsut needs to stay out of it. </p>
<p>I am guessing your son is doing what he thinks dad wants him to do, and isn’t really aware that your feelings matter as well. </p>
<p>Mature grown ups think about being kind to others and not selfish, and to be honest, your son is being a bit selfish here.</p>
<p>Wow jewels: sounds like you had a great conversation with your son. Without reading your last post, I would have joined most of the other posters encouraging you to attend. The reason would have been for your enjoyment (closure) and the assistance you physically could have rendered him. </p>
<p>When I left for college (I grew up in an immigrant home w/lots of restrictions so never even once over-nighted except when I visited the colleges myself Feb of my Senior year), it never even occurred to us that my family would accompany me. I attended a pre-frosh seminar so I flew out early – having family meet me there come move in day was probably out of the question. But knowing the value of great memories, I look fwd to helping my kids move in, when that comes.</p>
<p>But frankly, I know I didn’t miss a beat. Lots of us who were participants in the orientation pgm had early move-in and only few parents came up. When all the rest came, I was already in my groove and was too excited, drinking up the experience.</p>
<p>I’m sure you’ll have a great time with him on that Parents Weekend or whatever. Just book hotel/restaurant reservations now!</p>
<p>We didn’t really “ask” our kids but it was assumed we would help each get settled for their first trip to college. We are glad (& our kids were) that we came with them. Many of the other kids had parents present as well & S had many loose ends he was grateful we could run for him (he didn’t have a car & we had a rental). For D, she was also grateful that we & S were around when needed & could run errands & buy random things & take her to Target & wherever else she wanted to go. We made it clear that the kid moving in was in charge & should just tell us what they wanted, when they wanted us around & when to vacate. S was NOT interested in us taking him & roomie to any meals but was happy we would fetch whatever he wanted & did make a few store runs with us, plus us driving him to doc appts. </p>
<p>When we returned for parents’ weekend, both were happy for us to take them & friends out for a meal & shopping. D was happy when we moved in that we took her shopping & out for a meal with friends as well as taking her & roommates to the grocery store & back. S was also happy we took him & friends for a meal & Costco run plus picking up furniture he bought on Craigslist while we were there. Our kids like being independent but as long as they know we’re just there to help & won’t intrude on their independence, they appreciate our assistance (& pocketbooks). It worked well for us & we all have happy memories of time spent together.</p>
<p>In retrospect, we felt slightly bad that we weren’t available when S moved from campus housing to off-campus apartment & needed help getting furniture. Fortunately, my brother & SIL were there dropping off their S & also his room mate’s parents were there with a rented van & the latter helped get the boys all that was needed. S will help D get settled into her new apartment so we’re not going up with her this time (her room mate’s parents will be there with a rental car & take them everywhere they need to go in August anyway).</p>
<p>Since you & S have already had a conversation & are comfortable with you NOT going, it would be good for you to figure out when you DO want to go, whether it’s parents’ weekend or some other time in the fall.</p>
<p>Try to reassure your S that there are many wonderful kids in honors dorms that aren’t nerds or geeks; they just happen to be bright and care about getting decent grades. I’ve heard that sometimes those dorms have less substance abuse & noise issues than other freshman dorms, which can be a major blessing. Our kids didn’t live in honors dorms but knew kids who did & were happy enough there.</p>
<p>Jewels. It sounds like you have a great kid! The fact that he invited you to visit after the move in date just makes me want to give him a hug!!!</p>
<p>DS was a freshman last year, sent DH to settle him in 1500 miles from home. I didn’t go do to cost, and at the time felt really bad I didnt go. DH became very emotional, as the university had a “goodbye” ceremony. Thinking about it logically it is best I didnt go, as I am not handy, dont carry heavy boxes, etc. But what I did do both said was the best. I ordered EVERYTHING for the dorm and had it delivered, no shopping was necessary. This year DS is going back alone as a sophmore. I feel a bit bad, but we fly DS home often, so if we can save a bit this is the way to do it.</p>
<p>Thank you for all your stories! I feel good about his decision and I am already making plans to visit. It is a very exciting time for all of us, but a little bittersweet as so many of you have already experienced. He is probably the most selfless teenager I have ever met and truly is thinking about me and probably realizing how hard that goodbye will be for me and how long the 1600 mile flight home will be for me.</p>
<p>What you gem your S is! It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship & he’ll thrive in college & wherever he goes! Doesn’t it feel great to know that you had a hand in raising such a responsible, independent, thoughtful young person?</p>
<p>Thank you and I am starting to appreciate all of the wonderful qualities he possesses that I remember as a young mom only hoping I could instill.</p>
<p>Kajon,</p>
<p>I’ll give him two hugs tonight!! The lifeguard office just called to tell me to watch the news tonight to see DS in action. He rescued a 70 year old lady that was trapped under a boat after it had capsized. He was filmed carrying her to shore from the rescue. He was supposed to be surfing today and was not even on duty!!</p>
<p>Oh Jewels, what a hero your S is and he was not even on duty. You have raised a fine young man. You should be very proud. Be sure to DVR the news report.</p>
<p>Both of you will be fine. I had spent so much time and energy participating in the whole college search process for DS#1 and was devastated when the decision was finally made and it turned out that particular school’s move-in day for freshmen was the one day out of my work year that I had to be at work. I immediately made plans to visit Parents Weekend. In hindsight, I missed a hot day of heavy lifting + got to see my boy ~ a month into school, which was really good for both of us.</p>
<p>If it helps, I sent the big emotional good-bye letter ahead of time so it was waiting for him the first time he checked his school mailbox. Got a “Thanks mom–are you trying to make me cry???” call that night. But it was all good.</p>
<p>We go. Get a room nearby. Help him/her move in then arrange to meet up later for dinner/supply shopping trip. Next day we usually meet for meal before heading out. Our two seemed to like the quick visits and that we were on hand the next day for any issue that may pop up.</p>
<p>Jewels, has your son talked or e-mailed his roommate yet? My son has, and that will make his transition to an honors dorm much easier. He has three suitemates, and he has found he has some things in common with them. The funny thing is, my son thinks he will be the wild child among the four, and he’s anything but a party kid! So maybe your son will be a huge help to his roommate if he is a stress monkey and teach him to chill.</p>
<p>DS will not find out who his roommate is until mid-August. I think it will help him to communicate with him though once the information becomes available.</p>
<p>Driving 1600 miles when gas is expensive or flying with him may prove pointless if you’re only going to spend a couple of hours with him at the most. As an incoming Freshmen, I’m sure he’ll be very eager to meet new friends and experience the beginning of the next 4 years of his life the first day, but I doubt he would want to “ditch” you and would wait until you were on your way back home to begin activities and what not.</p>
<p>If you can afford it, I think it would be a good experience for you. If not, he’ll undoubtedly be fine with it.</p>
<p>H & I drove S2 about 900 miles last year. We didn’t ask him his opinion, and, in fact, we had to because he had too much equipment (music major) to fly. It was a great opportunity to spend some quality time with him on the trip. We tried to pick some interesting places to eat along the way. We got there the night before and did a mall run for a few items. It was nice to have both of us to help move in all the stuff that was somewhat fragile and he never had to lock his door because one of us always stayed, even though they had upperclassmen helping move stuff. </p>
<p>We unpacked boxes and suitcases as per his instructions, put together a shelf unit, and read over all the literature he received to see if he had missed anything. It was an interesting contrast for him to see our behavior as compared to his roommate’s parents. In fact, I think he was mostly afraid I’d embarrass him by crying and refusing to leave. </p>
<p>We solved that problem by having him walk us to the car and say goodbye there so there were no observers. </p>
<p>i was the kid whose parents never came to drop me off or anything. i was capabale of doing everything on my own. but looking back, i think it is kind of sucky that they really didn’t care about those things.</p>
<p>i would rather be the parent who comes when the kid thinks she shouldn’t than the parent who watches their kid drive off and waves.</p>