Maybe this mom has been looking for an excuse to get a divorce anyway. This married couple knew they had kids who would be going to college. Clearly they knew the costs when kid one started an Ivy. So why is this subject even coming up with kid two.
Plus…right now…with two kids in Ivies at the same time…the family contribution is reduced for each kid, right? IIRC, it’s 60%/60% at profile schools. So with an income that these two parents had…the kids would have gotten need based aid at full need Ivies…assuming they completed the financial aid application required application materials.
He has been a step-parent. They are not his biological kids. We have no idea if he has financial obligations for his own kids, whether he was consulted regarding contributions towards college tuition prior to submission of college applications or acceptance of the offer. Did he participate in the submitting FA forms? Had he previously agreed to contribute and now reneged? Why would anyone expect or assume a stepparent would finance a step child’s education. IMO that should have been discussed and agreed to prior to getting married.
A close friend in this exact position (recently married a woman with an 7 and 9 yr old, (his biological kids are in college now (2) and graduated(1). He is not paying for the step kids to go to college.
Well…hopefully your friend will discuss this with his spouse before she allows her kids to accept slots at colleges that are not affordable for the family.
The family in this article…really likely has other issues beside financial aid, and college costs. My gut feeling is this is the tip of a huge iceberg.
I’m surprised by how many people think the step dad should put these kids through college. Where’s the bio dad? Why isn’t he contributing? Does the step dad have kids? Maybe he and his ex have carefully saved and his wife and her ex were irresponsible with money. There are too many variables we don’t know. I’ve been married to my kids’ dad for 30 years, so we made this bed together and we lie in it together. If you marry someone with kids, are you suddenly financially responsible for them? I have no idea.
I wonder how many of you talk to “regular” people about college costs and financial aid. Not cc’ers or well-off families in high performing schools. Most people have no clue. Very few families know about net price calculators or merit vs need based aid, and they sure don’t think a step parent’s income will count!
One couple I knew married after a child had started college and they lost financial aid because of the increase in income. They were shocked, but you don’t know what you don’t know. I remember the dad telling me about it when I had just started our journey and nodding along while silently thanking Lynn O’Shaughnessy and a free Amazon book.
Since then I’ve advised people to hold off on weddings, or to look for cheaper options, but have not suggested a divorce yet.
I only said his income should be counted towards their EFC. He’s been a custodial parent. He lessens the family’s financial burden. That should count towards their EFC. Whether he’s the step or the biological parent is immaterial to that question.
Whether he pays is unrelated to his status as a step. Plenty of biological, still married parents have had that battle.
You (and your pre-nup) don’t get to decide what is required to be included in the FAFSA. You can decide that you aren’t paying, but you can’t decide what the school expects you to pay.
You don’t know that. The children may live in his house, but he may have NO legal say in anything the children do. He may have no rights to them at all. For all we know, the bio dad may get to claim them on his taxes, may get to make medical and legal decisions. We don’t know what was in that divorce decree.
My sister has a step son. There is NO WAY she’d pay for his college. She didn’t like him. She didn’t stop her husband from paying, but he still had financial obligations to her and their children. BIL really had no say in where son went to school and told him what he could contribute (continued his child support even though he didn’t have to) but it wouldn’t have worked for sister and BIL’s finances for anyone to expect my sister to pay for stepson’s college. She’s been with his dad since stepson was 4 years old, but they’ve always had separate finances (my sister used to make most of the money, owns their ‘main’ house but BIL owns another property separately too).
The difference with the story in the OP is that my BIL knows that my sister wouldn’t pay for stepson’s college.
@socalmom007 I will be very clear. Who pays for college is a family decision.
What I object to in this story is that this mom allowed her kids to accept admission offers to very expensive colleges…and it sounds like there was no real agreement on how this was going to be paid for.
@mom2cats the article says the mom has TWO kids at expensive colleges…not one. Was this financial issue discussed with child 1? Or did it only become an issue with child 2?
This article seemingly was written after the second kid was given admission to a costly college. This wasn’t the mom and stepdad’s first rodeo with these costs.
I am doubtful she would qualify for any aid. She didn’t mention actual income of bio dad but regardless of whether he pays child support, the CSS forms will require detailed financial info for mom, bio dad and custodial step-parent. Even if custodial step-parent has separate assets-many of those assets will be used to determine EFC/financial aid.
In the letter, mom references her child’s scholarships (Ivies don’t give scholarship - they give need based aid so pretty sure kids did qualify for some financial aid).
With TWO kids at meets full need Ivies…at the same time…I agree, these kids would qualify for some need based aid…with what is reported in the article for income. BUT I didn’t see anything about assets, home equity, etc. At this point in time, the family contribution would be split 60%/60% with two kid at these Profile schools.
I’m not sure if you’re being serious or not. But this does not read as a gold digging situation. I mean , he’s been in the lives of these kids since they were in elementary school. The mother is working her tail off. The guy sounds like a dud IMO
There is a lot we don’t know about this story. We do know that the biological father physically abused his children and for all we know there is no contact beyond the garnishment of his wages, which results in $600 to $2,000 per year. While we can’t know the ins and outs of this situation, from the short description, it is at least possible that she would be able to get a CSS waiver such that there would be no expectation that the biological father contribute at all. I have seen students successfully navigate this process with abusive parents even when child support is being paid.
Wow! I think this is not only offensive language, it is a pretty big speculative leap based on what little information was provided in the original letter. Of course, all of our theories are speculation but why leap to such a certain conclusion that the woman married to get money out of her new husband?
While I wouldn’t go as far as jmnva06 since there is a lot that we cannot know about this situation, most of posters’ responses surprise me. The very word stepfather implies parenting responsibilities to me. Otherwise why wouldn’t that person just be called the mother’s new husband, which would make clear that he was not a parent. This is a rhetorical question, of course, but seriously, I don’t think anyone should marry into a family with young children if they aren’t interested in parenting. Or to soften my stance a little, if you are not going to be an active stepparent then that should be clear to everyone in the family from the get-go. It should be a surprise to no one when you don’t parent.There is lots of room for the mother and stepfather to disagree, argue (and even compromise) on college choices and how much the adults should contribute, but that is the same sort of disagreements/compromises that any married couple might have about their biological children.
I think it is likely that neither person in the couple understood how needs-based aid worked ten years ago (or even thought about it) and that is really unfortunate. And while there could be all sorts of reasons why those particular colleges were a poor or thoughtless choice, this does not sound like a healthy marriage with good communication to me. Single-parenting is far preferable (and I say this as a single parent) than an unhealthy marriage or blending my family with an adult who dissociates themselves from my children.
Well the entire thing is speculative because OP posted an article and an interesting situation but we don’t know the players, the agreements, or anything about them, etc.
But based on what was shared - that’s what I think.
It’s equally offensive that the wife would want to divorce the husband for not paying - which is the premise I believe.
I wonder what happened during the college decision process. The mom and step-dad should have sat down together to decide what they could afford to pay for college, and then let the kids know before they started looking/dreaming. Instead, it sounds like they did not talk about affordability.
Maybe the mom assumed the kids could shoot for the stars and her husband would make the finances happen. Meanwhile, the stepdad was not consulted and assumed his contribution would be small.
Or maybe the stepdad was consulted and advised against applying to schools above what he wanted to pay. But the mom figured he would change his mind once the kids were accepted.
In any of the scenarios I can think of, the mom has plenty of responsibility. I think she would have included it in the letter if her husband agreed to contribute a certain amount, and then backed out after the kids enrolled. The stepdad also has responsibility because he should have gotten involved, done the research, and put on the breaks before decisions were made. Maybe he encouraged the kids to apply to Ivies, without ever calculating the family’s EFC, we don’t know.
In any case, if anyone in the family had spent an hour on CC when they started thinking about college, this outcome could have been avoided!
I think there are a lot of dysfunctional marriages out there and a lot of people who are not financially responsible.
I know of couples who could never discuss any tough issues, especially when it comes to money. They pretend there is no problem until it is not.
I know of women who know nothing about their family finances, other than monthly allowances they get.
In this case, the wife may have thought it was implied that the husband would pay for the stepchildren’s college tuitions when the husband never agreed.
I think this sort of thing happens a lot in a marriage - a couple is too busy with children/work/life to discuss about their finances (funding for education, retirement) and are upset when they are not on the same page.
There is so much information missing in the article. It seems that this problem only happened with the third child. What happened with the first child? Did a family with an Ivy league kid also have another kid who just didn’t go, or did that kid already graduate from a financially doable option? Was the precedent for what stepdad would do already discussed at this point?
It sounds like possibly she had no problems paying from her income until the third child was accepted to an Ivy that only has need based aid. She now blames the husband because his income makes that college unaffordable for her to pay on her own without working an extra job.
If she really thinks that her overall financial situation would get easier living on her own with only her salary, I press the doubt button. I think she made a mistake in allowing her kid to choose an unaffordable school, and is directing her anger at her husband.
It is SO HARD to say no to a kid when they have a dream school that is just not possible, which is why we see people on CC talking so often about true safeties (including financial AND the kid can see themself thriving there).
There doesn’t seem to be any indication that her husband backed out of a previously agreed on arrangement, and the fact that BUT DREAM SCHOOL didn’t sway him is not on him, I don’t think.
I would really love to hear the other side of this story.
@3SailAway , I think it’s very possible that once the cost became known, the stepfather said “too much” and the mother insisted “they” had to provide it. The stepfather might have stood his ground, and the mother might have said “fine, I’ll pay it myself.” And now that she’s worked herself to exhaustion for a few months, she’s realizing she can’t keep it up and is putting all the blame on the stepfather.
At least that’s a scenario I can envision. Granted, I’m a boorish man and might lean a little toward that scenario.
Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve been in conversations about something that seems so clear, yet no mutually agreed upon resolution can be found. In personal relationships and in business. Sometimes one side has the logical answer and the other side has the emotional answer; and I’ve been on both sides in different conversations. But at that point, when the sides cannot agree on a decision, one side will often decide to forge ahead without the other person.
I think that’s what happened here. The stepfather considered the situation and said “too much.” The mother decided to forge ahead anyway. And instead of recognizing her culpability for her current fatigued situation, she blames her husband solely.
