Should I Divorce My Husband If He Won't Pay For College?

Parents Forum
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You are correct, I don’t know that. I thought I read that up thread. The original article doesn’t mention it though. Given that, I retract any EFC related comments. Sorry. :grimacing:

The only mention the article makes is that the “stepfather is a kind man.” It’s unwritten, but from that one could fairly safely assume that the family unit has received at least some financial boost from his involvement, be that payment towards housing, groceries, or other family activities.

That said, it’s really speculative to comment about his financial contribution based on the information written in the article.

I still fall firmly in the camp that says the discussion should have happened long ago. As I’ve previously mentioned, these disputes happen between cohabitating, biological parents. The fact that he’s a step doesn’t change that.

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The article says two in college but only one in ivy league school.

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When I said offensive, I was talking about the language you used not the idea that you proposed. We don’t have enough information to know whether the wife married for money or not so while I think that is a speculative conclusion to make based on the information provided, I think it is fine to speculate. Everyone is on this thread is speculating including me though I lean towards giving the letter writers the benefit of the doubt in the Ethicist columns unless there is actual information provided that makes me question their honesty.

In any case, I think gold-digger is a an offensive term that is usually directed towards women by men in a manner meant to be deliberately derogatory and demeaning towards women specifically --not quite a slur but bordering on one. I would have disagreed but not objected if you had just said that you think the woman likely married him for his money. Maybe, maybe not. But for the record, I also think it is offensive to call someone a “a tool and d*ck” and to be even-handed, I should have mentioned that this language is also problematic and unnecessarily derogatory.

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It’s your right to find me offensive.

and for the record, if any females are super rich out there, I have no issues being a gold digger. It would help support my CC habit!!

It is not, in my mind, exclusive to any gender.

Sorry to offend you - but it was clearly a tongue in cheek response. But as they say, tone is hard to communicate on an email - or chat board.

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True, but I have legal recourse to return to family court to be reimbursed for any money I have spent if ex spouse is capable of paying but chooses not to (assuming he is financially able, which is the whole reason we have well funded 529’s) And with only the baby to go, so far no issues

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One of my kids has a close friend who is carrying a ton of debt now, because her stepfather refused to pay for her education. He had claimed her as a dependent on his taxes for years, but he still didn’t consider her to be his responsibility, college-wise. She attended a top in-state flagship - an elite private was out of the question. She almost didn’t get to go at all. Needless to say, I am not a fan of the stepdad.

In my opinion, taking on the legal obligations of becoming a step-parent should include taking basic responsibility for educational costs. But, reasonable people may disagree on what basic responsibility entails, and many reasonable people would assert that an 80K/year college is well beyond the level of ethical obligation.

These folks should have considered the financial implications when they got married. They should have told their child what the budget was before the child even applied to colleges. This conflict was years in the making and easy to see coming.

The mother is making herself a victim here, and the columnist is falling for it. I feel for the kids, but I’m not buying the mom’s perspective that her spouse created this problem singlehandedly.

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Of course, many of the $80k per year colleges expect up to four parents to contribute if the student’s biological parents are divorced.

What is left unsaid in the linked page is how the non-custodial parent issues were handled (given the uncooperativeness of the non-custodial parent), since the Ivy League colleges except Princeton require the non-custodial parent finances in the given situation. If the Ivy League college is Princeton, getting divorced would bring the non-custodial parent finances back into the picture, since Princeton requires them if the custodial parent is not married.

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I think some bio parents may even say it is not their responsibility to pay for college education. Their responsibility is over at age 18.

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Having browsed through the responses, the one that I think is most accurate/appropriate is @eyemgh 's suggestion that the situation is settled. Like it or not, the custodial parent who benefited from the child being on their tax return, and who is counted for financial purposes when schools calculate financial support, that parent has a responsibility to financially support the child (and the spouse).

I’m always amazed that people can “commit” to a relationship until money is involved. How could the spouse not know that the step-parent wasn’t going to commit to college funding until college arrived? If the story is accurate, an Ivy League student didn’t surprise anyone with the idea that they wanted to go to a good school at breakfast one morning. They’ve been a great student for years.

If the spouse wouldn’t provide any financial support while destroying the financial aid available if they weren’t around… then I’d seriously wonder about that person’s commitment to me and my family.

In a divorce…the alimony would more than cover the debt service on the student loans. He’s gonna pay one way or another.

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In no shape or form does the tax deduction come anywhere close to the money spent to raise children.

Whose income do you think was primarily sustaining the household financially all these years? Her $60K, or his $150K?

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I’m not sure why people are speculating on tax dependent status on a tax return with no information. But let’s be real, the most probable way Step Dad would be claiming those children on his tax returns is if he and mom were MFJ. Which means mom was getting the benefit as well.

A couple of posters pointed out earlier in the thread that this situation is actually no different than a married couple with biological children disagreeing about how to pay for college and how much to pay. If a married, bio-dad said he didn’t want to pay for an Ivy education but mom was more than welcome to use her income to do so (while his would continue to support the family in general)…would there be tons of pushback? How is that different than this scenario?

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It’s not about even, it’s about the situation that the child finds themself in because of decisions you agreed to (ie you married mom). It’s not just the higher earner in this… both parents need to agree on the expectations they have for issues like this.

The reason the kid isn’t getting a free ride is BECAUSE of the parent. The need to pay is because the parent agreed to get married. Should the kid have to go to a lesser school or pay loans for 20 years because someone who won’t support them counts on their FAFSA?

She should divorce him. After 10+ years, and since he paid for everyone’s lifestyle, She’ll be the one with $150k and he’ll be the one with $60k (if he’s lucky).

I appreciate that people have vastly different views on this topic, and there are a ton of less expensive options that were probably available to the student before they got to this point, but the rules of the game are that both parents have a financial obligation…that’s why they are both on the aid forms. It’s silly to argue about fair and the “right” amount, but zero seems to suggest a relationship struggling with more than just money.

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So marrying mom meant he should have automatically realized that he was potentially committing to an $80k per year college expense (or whatever it would be after financial aid)?

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Situations like this just remind me that many people out in the big wide world don’t plan things and I am not talking about small things. These are big issues that need planning.

It reminds me of a post I saw in the parent fb group for D19. It was late last June and bills were going to come due pretty soon. A parent was asking people about where to get loans. I am like man that is late in the game.

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Well, I’m a chick, and I can totally see the scenario your “boorish man’s” perspective outlines. :grinning: Then again, I grew up with older brothers and a decent dad. And a family that had clear financial boundaries that we all lived with.

This thread freaks me out! It’s a sad situation all around, but to let a “top” school tuition trump your marriage relationship is just way beyond any healthy boundaries IMHO. In a few years, will all of this have been worth it?

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I know from experience that many biological parents refuse to pay for their kids, and many biological parents disagree with their spouse about how much money they are willing to spend on their kid for college. I have seen parents who have paid for one child to go to college but won’t pay for another, for various reasons. In the situation presented in the article, I sense a huge communication problem between the bio parent and stepparent. Unilaterally determining how to spend money is not indicative of a healthy relationship, IMO. Every family has to determine how it will spend money, and spending on college tuition should be a joint decision. There is clearly more to the story than just a stepparent not wanting to shell out big bucks.

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Thank you. Even so…right now…with two in college, the family contribution for that Ivy kid would be 40% less about than it was previously. But then…maybe the family didn’t apply for aid. I’m not clear if the step dad was on board with doing the FAFSA and Profile.

And the kid not at the Ivy…does that school meet full need…because if not, there might be a huge cost there, even with two in college.

Regardless…this (to me) looks like a huge lack of communication on the part of the grownups.

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No more than she should have realized that marrying him might cost her $300k for college per kid because he will always see things as his vs. mine…and not ours.

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I forgot about the 2nd kid in school. Thanks for setting me straight!

80

Totally spot on.

For example, take my DH and I. Earlier in our marriage BEFORE we had kids, we talked about paying for college and saw eye to eye for the most part. Then 2 yr ago when ODD was in 9th grade, he started to jabber about his “return on investment” and how if she didn’t get “good enough grades” or other criteria that he hadn’t brought up until just then, then he was unwilling to pay a dime.

At the same time, his memory of HIS experience trying to pay for college made everything sound rosy and fine. His parents didn’t pay a dime. When he was 18, he had to move out and support himself and pay to college himself with zero help from them. He also didn’t have any good study habits plus he picked a really hard major, so his grades tanked. Had to take one particular physics class 3 times before he passed it. Got burned out and took an entire year off from community college and then started again.

Start to finish, it was a 10 yr process.

But the way DH tells it, he “did just fine.” Lol. Ok…I was present for a fair amount of it. That’s not how I remember it.

For 2 yr, he and I had regular arguments about this topic. I told him flat out that NOT paying for college when we can AFFORD to pay for it is NOT an option. And putting our responsible, smart kid out at 18 and telling her to just figure out how to pay for it yourself when you won’t get any federal financial aid due to your parents’ income…well, no way in heck was what I told him.

Eventually, we settled on this: we will pay for the COA of an in state public school. If kid wants to go out of state or go to a private college, then cost has to be equivalent to in state public.

Our daughter does not have perfect grades nor is she a stellar test taker. As a result, her options are more limited than the “standard” CC kid who comes here saying that their life is over if they don’t get into Harvard with their 10.95 GPA and perfect SAT score (that was sarcasm there).

If I were to go to DH and say that we absolutely have to pay for an $80k/yr college? He would rightfully lose his mind because that’s ridiculous.

If my DH was the kid’s step dad? He’d also be upset. And him being upset would make sense.

What we don’t know is the rest of the story, of course, with this mom.

Edited to add:
I also told DH during our arguments on the topic that if he was so concerned about a return on investment, he never should have had kids because kids are one of the biggest money pits I’ve ever seen. Haha. :rofl: He decided to quit complaining about ROI after that.

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