Should I Divorce My Husband If He Won't Pay For College?

Parents Forum
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It has been 27 years and I am still waiting on my better half to let me know where giant stash of cash is. :slight_smile:

I came to the conclusion myself but we ended up shooting for half our EFC. That meant hunting for merit, but we got it done. That meant not worrying about the elites.

From reading things I get the feeling her salary ended up being mostly her money to spend on herself and her children how she pleased and the husband covered the household expenses.

Btw, I hate dividing bills up as a married couple. It is all the same pie.

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I am one of the kids in this scenario. I think it depends on the age of the children at the time of the marriage.

If they were young, then I can’t imagine marrying someone in that circumstance and not feeling I’m walking into some real parental responsibility. My step mother did. She was as nice as can be until she finally married my father, and then things changed. I never felt completely welcomed in my own family home ever again (“you’re doing another load of laundry?” “wow, you eat a lot.” etc.). My father insisted I spend summers with him during which time I had to entertain myself in an area in which I didn’t grow up while they went on with their daily lives, only to see my step mother plan these great vacations on which they and my half-sibs would embark soon after I left (once or twice, literally the day after I left).

My father made a lot of $$ and it was painful to get a dime out of them … mostly because of her (though I blame him as much for being such a coward). Barely paid a dime for my undergrad and no help at all for law school. Meanwhile, the half-siblings attended the best private preparatory schools in the city and had both their college educations fully paid for. My mother, who made a very small fraction of what he did, was the one I could count on.

Thankfully, the story has a happy ending because I did get a fantastic education and have been appreciably more successful than my half-siblings in many and varied ways.

But until my dying day I will always harbor resentment over the interloper, and her coward of a husband.

So it goes w/o saying that we don’t know these people and who expected what from the other. But the default expectation should be, IMHO, that when you marry somebody, you are buying their history and their life situation. I think the burden was on him every bit as much as it was on her to be clear about this. He should have delineated clearly the major parenting responsibilities for which he was and was not signing up.

If you’re at 150, then yeah, 80 is a lot, though she makes 60. IDK, everybody has their own view of these things. But from my life’s history, you won’t be surprised to know that when I told my kids I’d pay full freight for whatever school they could get into, I made true on that commitment.

Second marriages are complicated. I’m glad I’ve avoided it.

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Yep. The real-world ramifications of having parents who are not financially prepared for a retirement that is within range of their working household lifestyle is real.

@cquin85 Sorry you were forged by such a stark scenario, and that’s amazing you’re giving your kids such freedom in their educational choices.

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But that is an amazing gift not everyone can give, at all! As much as I’d love to tell my kids we could pay for any college, we just don’t have a million dollars in cash laying around.

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Agreed. Never implied that parents should pay “any college or bust” if they aren’t multi-millionaires. Those that choose to do so willingly have their reasons and are going into it eyes open. The family in the OP? Not so much. With dreadful ramifications.

Don’t think most parents can or want to spend an excess of cash on one school over another. And after the past three years, a lot of families are probably facing different financial priorities.

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My sister can easily fund her kids’ education regardless of where they go and is happy to do so, and I think it’s wonderful for them, but many just don’t have that luxury. Unfortunately some who don’t have that luxury don’t seem to realize it, I have seen so many posts on Facebook parent pages from parents of freshmen asking where to get loans from to pay tuition, not just loans making up a gap in costs vs. savings, but for all of it. Some folks just don’t know what they don’t know.

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I think second marriages are very different, especially if there were children who are living in the second household, those who aren’t, and children who have very different incomes in the different households.

My sister did not agree with the parenting styles of her BF and his ex but she had no say in it. If the parents don’t agree, they can fight it out in court, but stepparents have no standing. Sister hated the ex (who I have to say was rather nasty and took advantage of my now-BIL financially during the divorce). Ex set up the financial situation so she got all the tax benefits but he got all the bills. He just paid and paid, and the law changed and he no longer had to pay after son turned 18 (but he did help with college) so he could finally decide on what to pay. Son didn’t discuss college costs with him before picking a school. Life went on for both, and Ex remarried a man with 2 kids, and BIL had 2 kids with my sister. My sister made more than double what he did. He paid for son, for their second house (bought because it was half way to where son lived with his mother and sister’s home in town) and she paid for a lot of the day to day costs for their ‘in town’ house, their two kids, and general living.

You’d all say that sister had an obligation to give her stepson the same educational opportunities as she gave her two children, but I don’t think so. She made most of the money, she paid for her kids to go to private schools, made sure they did their homework and got good grades, and that they’d have good college opportunities. The Ex didn’t do that, didn’t allow son to spend one extra minute with his father even if it would have benefited the son (staying at the end of his summer visit to participate in the club swim championship, staying extra night at Christmas to bond with siblings and cousins) and spent a lot of the son’s life trying to separate him from his father.

All these second families aren’t sweetness and light, and some stepparents just aren’t as bonded with the kids and don’t want to share their money. They might have even entered the marriage thinking they were going to be a big happy family, but it didn’t work out that way. And legally, they aren’t responsible for them.

Anyway, BIL’s son had 4 parents/stepparents who could pay, and there was no way they were ever going to agree what was ‘fair.’ (OMG, they couldn’t all agree on anything) And I can tell you my sister didn’t think ANY of her money should go to support the son even though she’d supported him with a place to live and summer activities all his life (since he was 3 years old), health insurance, even a day care discount through her employer. I’m sure people from the outside look and say how unfair it is the stepson gets little while sister’s kids are treated as a prince and princess, but it really isn’t that simple. I don’t know what his stepfather, with whom he lived since he was 5, contributed to his college costs. The stepfather got the tax breaks over the years.

Would all of you feel the family was gaming the FA system if the couple had never married, just lived together? Same exact financial situation with the mother making $60k and stepfather making $150k. That’s perfectly legal, the family could have functioned as a family except for tax purposes, and the children received a lot of need based aid. If they had never married and just lived together for 15 years before son went to college, I don’t think many of you would say that sister should have contributed to son’s college costs. In fact the state said the father didn’t even have to pay, his income wouldn’t be on the FAFSA, etc. It’s the colleges that are saying what they expect families to pay, not the stepparents or even the parents.

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It is, but for every difficult situation, there are others who would abuse the system.

If it were possible to separate the Step-parent from the biological one, you would have families who hid the biological income while the “Step” claimed everything. It would be more of a mess than it already is.

At some point, you have to agree on the “fairest possible” process, even if some are penalized by the system(s) in place. The penalty isn’t “you can’t go to college”…it’s “you may not be able to go to THIS college”. That still sucks for some… but there isn’t a better solution at this point.

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I’m sure there is a lot about that situation that I don’t appreciate, including how old the inherited kid was when your sister married this guy. When they’re young, there is a lot to work out, including, as you say, how they are raised. Typically, when the kid lives at home with the new couple from a young age, there is a greater sense of equity in that kid’s outcome by the new step-parent. At least that’s how I see it and how many people I know see it.

But, sure, if I happened upon a relationship with a woman and her pretty well-formed kid who is close to leaving the nest, that kid would feel like less my problem than hers and her ex’s. Change the facts, change the answers.

For me personally, if I were involved with someone who came to the relationship with a “that’s your problem and this is mine” attitude with younger kids, the idea of marriage would forever remain an idea. I personally don’t think getting married is a compelling life-goal outside of child-rearing anyway. Take that piece out, and I’d say permanent girlfriend / boyfriend is more than good enough for me. But to each his own.

Kids are the most important variable here IMHO. They didn’t ask for you to bring them into this world, and I personally believe it’s a parent’s responsibility to see to it that they are as prepared and advantaged as you can reasonably afford to help them become. Anyone who would get in the way of me meeting that responsibility would be shown the door post-haste. Girl(and boy)friends are a dime a dozen; one’s children are the only truly important thing for which the vast majority of us will ever be responsible. Again, my opinion and value system.

My gripe is with people who fall in love and focus on that part of it and assume all the kid and other history will “sort itself out.” It will sort itself out, but painfully if people aren’t crystal clear about expectations up front. That’s on both parties. That way you know who to dump and who to keep.

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Ask any family lawyer with a practice in an affluent area. Most people who remarry after a divorce are looking for an upgrade of some kind from their single life. Man is in a one bedroom condo (bought with the proceeds of the sale of the marital home) and the life of his GF in her five bedroom/half acre house in the “old neighborhood” starts to look pretty appealing. Plus he’s getting free childcare for his every other Sunday, school vacation custody arrangement – how many times can you take a kid to the zoo?

Woman is struggling to afford that five bedroom/half acre, looks at the BF’s single lifestyle (he drives a nicer car than she does, takes vacations and stays in hotels instead of bunking down with his elderly parents, kept the gym membership after the divorce, still plays golf) and thinks he’s the solution to her financial woes. He has an irritating ex-wife? Oh well, how bad could it be after her domineering ex-husband?

It’s only after the rose petals and champagne that the financial reality kicks in. She’s been barely getting by. He downsized his real estate but upsized his expenses. Nobody thinks through the financial implications down the road for the kids.

My friend the family lawyer has been named guardian ad litem for kids in MANY remarriage situations. Someone is always suing someone for more child support, more timely child support, less time/more time with the kids. And the judge needs to get the minor children their own representation because they are the collateral damage.

College tuition? Who is worried about that?

I found the letter profoundly sad on so many levels. Nobody “needs” an expensive private college if they can’t afford it. But nobody “needs” the trip to Disney which seems obligatory after a divorce (proof to the kids that you still love them?). Raising kids is hard, and having four parents instead of one or two doesn’t make it any easier…

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He was 3 when they started dating, about 4 when they lived together, and probably 11 when they married, but they had two children together by then. She was never asked to be his stepmother and never functioned as one except for paying for things for him (housing, summer activities, skiing). His mother didn’t want my sister involved at all, didn’t want her opinion on anything to do with parenting. In fact she didn’t want the father’s opinion on anything and fought every thing they did with son.

If he would have picked a CSS college, the father and ‘stepmother’ have no right to say no, they don’t want to fill out extensive financial forms when they’ve never been involved in other decisions? (He didn’t pick a CSS school and his father was helping with the costs)

I’d say my sister’s attitude became “that’s your problem” because the ex made it that way. She didn’t want to raise this son together, and would have preferred BIL just send checks (yes, I know this to be true because I did some of the legal work on the custody and child support and saw this in court). Really nothing changed after they were legally married except filing taxes together. They continued to own their properties separately and nothing changed with their children or his son. That’s what worked for them and while others on here think married people should combine all finances, it doesn’t always work when half the couple has other financial obligations.

If they never would have married, son’s college financial situation would not have been different. Father contributed the same amount he was contributing, and I don’t know what stepfather and mother were willing to contribute. My sister’s money wasn’t available and no one ever thought it would be. Above people were saying that this is something that should be talked about, but with who? BIL knew from the beginning that sister was never going to support his son.

BTW it was my BIL who wanted to be married, not my sister. They got quietly married and never told anyone for years. It was just something he wanted, knowing the financial situation wouldn’t change.

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I just don’t get it, how in OP’s original NYT article, an EFC of 80k is generated with 200K of annual income at any of the ivies. There’s got to be significant business/farm assets, rental property equity and such. We just don’t have the details to make discussions here defensible. Anyhow, interesting to read many conflicting opinions here!

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While there are so many dark possibilities - and any one could have been what happened – they could have gotten themselves here more innocently. For NYT readers, this column a few weeks ago featured a situation that benefited everyone over 20 years and over time no longer did, and the Ethicist noted how difficult it is to walk back from the uncomfortably destination reached through a decade of small choices.

Maybe the older child was able to choose college without limitation, or may have even been encouraged to do so to promote academic engaging in high school. And at that point, throttling the second felt unfair. (We’ve seen several threads along these lines here on CC.) Sure, it was a bad financial decision, but perhaps family dynamics were such that this kid was “owed”.

Maybe mom and H said they could afford it if she took on more hours and H is making her hold up her end of that bargain. Maybe she was hoping H would give up the golf club membership/trade in the car for a less flashy model/not go skiing with friend and he’s not willing under the circumstances. Maybe he’s done that before.

A friend who’d applied to a private high school was told their FA was calculated assuming she would pick up a PT job. I have no idea how normal that is, but had they had such an option(explicit or not), they may have jointly chosen to close their gap this way. Put differently, maybe he isn’t refusing to pay as much as they need her to work without making some other lifestyle change that he doesn’t want to make.

I agree that the bitterness in her letter makes him sound like a demanding ogre from the outset, but I also wonder if some begging and pleading on her part - in spite of caution on his - brought them to this unhappy crisis.

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I agree with your sympathetic (and empathetic) take. I’m sure we all know people who are watching their credit scores erode due to a long ago, well intended decision. A loan to a family member which the family member decided, unilaterally was a “gift”? A bequest which was kept in a second home-- even though one of the heirs really needed the money- so as not to “rock the boat”. And now that heir owns a piece of property he/she cannot afford to visit (plane ticket, rental car…) and STILL doesn’t have the money. And the siblings can’t afford to buy out the share without selling and a lot of “Grandpa would be rolling in his grave if a stranger showed up” kind of guilt.

Financial stuff is hard.

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Well, this is your story, not mine. But since the topic has been raised, I’ll tell you that the only person in that whole tale for which I have sympathy is the kid. The rest are adults who could have worked to avoid this. Your sister is hardly the first person who married someone with an ex who screams “you’re not his mother!” That situation is almost ubiquitous in divorce. My mom and SM didn’t and don’t like each other either, but it was hardly an excuse for my father and SM to do what they did (or rather not do what they should have done). The truth is she was marrying a man with a past and wanted a fresh start with him and their kids, and I was a reminder of the past.

Your BIL might have wanted to get married, but your sister didn’t have to do it. Just my opinion, when she did, she signed up for your BIL’s crap. Marriage isn’t a buffet unless you spell it out as such ahead of time, preferably in writing, in which case I then wonder, “why are you getting married again?” But people do things every second of every day that make no sense to me.

Your BIL’s ex may be a piece of work. Sounds like it, but then again, she’s not here filling us in on all the crap she perceives from your BIL’s side of the ledger (or your sister’s for that matter). If she’s raising the boy, your BIL absolutely should write checks. But if your BIL knew from the beginning that your sister wasn’t helping with college, then so be it. He made his bed, he has to lie in it. Again, if I had a 3 or 4 year old and I was marrying someone, your sister’s terms would have been a no-fly order for me. But then again, they had two kids together by then, right? Sheesh. What a mess. Poor kid.

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I agree. I was hesitant to say anything, but reading that explanation just made me sad.

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Really, not a poor kid. He had a very nice life, except that he had to go between two families like many many kids in a divorce. If his parents had divorced and then neither remarried, he might have remain the only child of two middle class workers who had to support two households, so the same net results. I think his life was actually better because his parents moved on, found partners who made them happy or at least happier than if they’d stayed single and focused on him. Is an only child happier than those with siblings because the parents can spend more money on him/her, afford a more expensive college? Don’t ask me, as I’m child number 3 of 6. I’m glad my parents didn’t ask my sister if they should have more kids because I’m sure (even at 15 months old) she would have said ‘no, make me the center of your universe, spend all your money on ME.’

I think it is unrealistic to think that people who divorce are never going to remarry. BIL did what he could for his son but honestly I don’t think he had an obligation to make himself miserable just so his son could possibly qualify for financial aid in 15 years. And his son went to a state school, just like thousands of other kids do each year, kids with divorced parents, kids with married parents. Hmm, even his other son (my nephew) went to a state school.

I think this is an average story, just like the couple in the OP. Second marriages, messy finances and just not enough money to stretch for college tuitions at any school the children want. If someone, in the OP the ‘new’ stepfather, is expected to pay (either by the college or by the wife), then the stepfather should have a big say in which school the child attends and how much he is willing to pay. Maybe he should have asked that before marrying someone with 2-3 kids, but how many of us really knew that much about college tuition before we had kids? (I didn’t really know the cost of day care before I had kids). I’m sure he was thinking “Hey, I make pretty good money, she has a job, we’ll make it work…” not expecting an $80k bill in 8-10 years, and then that bill every year.

Making $150k isn’t that much, especially if suddenly expected to support 4 more people.

To answer the question, Yes, I think she should divorce him because she needs to support her children (and their educations) and she thinks she can do better without her current husband. I don’t think it will work, but she does.

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This. That’s why step-dad’s income counts in the FA calculation. But for step-dad’s income, mom would not be able to pay the tuition.

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hmmm… wasn’t the mother’s point…

But for the step-dad’s income, mom wouldn’t have to pay any tuition.

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And without his income, she also wouldn’t have lived the way she did for all these years.

Apparently you think of his role solely as an ATM.

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