It’s interesting reading everyone’s responses; naturally everyone uses their own experiences and emotions to fill in the massive amount of missing data.
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A generation or few ago, it was more likely that a high school graduate could self-support (not living with parents) on a high school graduate job while being able to pay for the small cost of in-state public tuition and books to attend college part time (possibly with a small student loan). That is somewhat less doable today.
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Less doable? I’d say downright impossible in some areas.
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My husband and I put ourselves through college. We were both low/lower income, got pell grants, took out loans, and worked full time. A state school didn’t cost 30-40k a year though back then. With the federal student loan caps, this scenario is no longer doable.
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I was lucky in that my parents paid for school (albeit the in-state flagship). My wife, who I met in high school was also at the state flagship, but she borrowed money and saved all summer (as you sorta noted was possible) to attend.
We married, started a family, and I effectively paid off the loans. She swore that she wouldn’t pay for college for her kids. They needed to learn the lessons she learned.
Well…by the time her daughters were ready for college, she’d changed her tune, primarily because we could afford to pay.
Any of my comments here are not about the kids… it’s about the relationship the adults have with each other and money, and my continued fascination with couples who have a strict separation of accounts well into their marriages. I have a sister who paid her husband (monthly) to elect a survivor annuity upon retirement (he was going to take the 100% for himself…zero for her). It was a good bet by her…she paid him $1,500/month for a few years and he passed on to her $4k/ month for life. They loved each other…but didn’t share the cable bill. I don’t get it.
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My mom and stepdad were like this; my mom got the weirdest joy out of tracking every little thing. It was considerate of their respective adult children, to keep their finances separate with regard to the big things; but none of us “kids” begrudged our stepparent an ice cream cone or a bridge toll! When step-sis and I cleaned out their condo after they moved to assisted living, we found little IOU’s all over the place. My favorite was “Joan owes Charles: one 1st class ‘Forever’ stamp.” Whatever gives you joy, I guess…!
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This has been a fascinating thread especially for an international person. Gives interesting insights into the social structures.
One curiosity: A family with a total income of 220K certainly cannot afford multiple children going to 80K schools as full or even part pay, probably can’t even afford one. If the qualifications of the kids are of the level of getting into Ivy league schools, they should very easily get into lower ranked schools with full rides or full tuition scholarships? Step-dad or not it seems an unreasonable investment/expense considering the family’s earning/wealth.
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I’m impressed that there are so many excellent planners here. It’s so easy for me to imagine that this woman, who had left a relationship in which neither she nor the kids were safe, met and married this kind man without discussing what would happen when her 4th and 6th grader got into colleges at a cost that strained the finances.
Parents, at least in my world, do not see eye to eye on all kinds of child-rearing topics that involve finances whether it’s an expensive sport, summer camps and travel, or tuition. It’s just that few of them actually have a solution that can be solved by changing marital status (as can this one.)
I love the Ethicist (but then again, I come to CC to offer my opinion to complete strangers!) and feel this answer was a bit off. She was asking about the ethics of gaming the FA system.
There are a million little things in every marriage that lead to any point and can make the actions at that point look irrational. This story is missing all of those.
The answers on this thread are a wonderful reminder that we don’t all see the world the same way.
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Does anyone know if this family even applied for need based aid?
Also…I agree that there probably wasn’t discussion or worry about college when this couple first married. BUT once child one was matriculated to the pricey college, the costs were certainly apparent! So then a second child also chose a college that sounds expensive…or didn’t meet need.
But really, the first child college costs were very apparent once the first bill came.
So…was the mom just not happy with the idea of having to put price limits on the second child?
We don’t know.
I’m not throwing stones at the stepfather who likely contributed much to the actual day to day expenses for the family. Or did they not do that?
We just don’t know.
I agree with this thought, and if the 3 kids were 8-10, I imagine that they may have been more like 2nd-5th grade. While I have not had the same experience as this woman, I do remember (in a blurry way) what it is like to solo parent small children on a low salary. There is very little time to think ahead about any topic that gets discussed here from college planning to retirement strategy or anything else. Most parents in that situation are focused on the year ahead at best and more likely on the next day or next week. Certainly no one is thinking through the impact of a new marriage on financial aid in the unlikely event that their children might be a strong enough scholar to win admission to the tiny handful of meet full-needs school OR even that a child might be a strong enough scholar to win a substantial merit scholarship. That type of planning would be low on the day-to-day priority list (which is generally the grind of getting kids to school, work, after-school care, dinner, bed, wake up to do it all over again by yourself the next day). It is also quite likely that 10+ years ago upon entering the marriage (it sounds like the oldest kid has already graduated?), the stepfather didn’t fully understand how financial aid works or how expensive college has gotten in recent decades
Presumably we have all been there, raising small children in that daily grind. While it can seem like everyone on CC is a long-term planner and saver, even here, there are many single and married parents who didn’t have the time or knowledge to plan that far ahead. I don’t say any of this to excuse that this married couple didn’t settle this stuff long before the crisis point. Ideally they would have. As a married unit and a family, they likely have a lot of resources now. I just think that the basics of this situation happens over and over again among biological parents and it is unsurprising that it happened with this blended family.
Interesting. That is a good question, and if whether or not is OK to game the FA system is the question, I don’t think it is ethical. Though there is a fine line between using your knowledge of the system in a strategically advantageous way and gaming a system (for example knowing enough to put your savings into protected retirement accounts vs. into regular savings is strategic but could be seen as gaming). Anyway, I read the question more about whether it is reasonable to be furious enough to divorce my husband given he would rather watch me work 12-15 hour days than contribute anything to our children’s tuition. Thus, the whole thing still reads to me like a problematic marriage between a couple who cannot communicate or compromise despite holding different perspectives on who is responsible for tuition payments.
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We don’t know.
- They could be sharing household expenses and they applied for need based aid based on their joint household finances. Presumably in that case, they are ineligible for any aid (because of significant assets or other factors) despite the fact that at most Ivy League schools, a family with a 210K income would still be eligible for some financial aid. Heck at my kids’ boarding schools, there are families with that income who receive aid.
- Or it could be that their finances are quite separate, and the stepfather flat-out refused to enter his own information on the CSS form at all, and therefore the family can’t get aid becuase they did not submit a complete application based on the rules of college financial aid office.
In my opinion, the first story is very different than the second.
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I find it fascinating the amount of energy people are expending in speculating about the situation in general. 
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Having kids who attended 6 different colleges, I see this all of the time on parent pages, tuition is due and some literally have no idea how to pay it. I couldn’t read the article, but I don’t think tuition of $80,000 a year, with another in college, would be affordable on a combined income of $220,000, at least where I live. Our kids knew that going to top universities was never on the table, like many others in our situation (unless we divorced).
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Most of the most selective private universities still want both parents’ financial information if they are divorced.
The woman who wrote the letter would say your “solution” was in sight.
Same here. Four years ago with our first when we did our investigation we realized the elite schools would not be an option. I had always kinda known but we really saw it on paper. We wouldn’t be full pay, but our kids would be able to find schools that would be half or less than the elites based on our income. So we became a group that hunted for merit. And wouldn’t you know it D23 got herself a full-ride. It isn’t her #1, but she is coming around to it.
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As others have said, it really depends on whether the mom and SF discussed paying for college ahead of time. It is possible they did not know that the SF’s income would be counted. He may have other kids (although I doubt it or I think that would have been mentioned or questioned). OTOH, he may have told her ahead of time that he would pay all the household expenses, but not for college or only wanted them to go locally. Or he has not been a high earner for very long and wants to build up his retirement savings.
If the funds are available without jeopardizing retirement, then he should contribute. But I can see scenarios where not paying that much makes sense.
In general though, I certainly think it makes sense for the stepparent’s income to be counted for financial aid. There is a big difference in the ability to pay if a single mom is making $60K for the household, versus having another wage earner bringing household income to close to $200K. No system is completely fair.
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So as a follow-up to the NY Times article…found this on the Times today. This was the final answer of 6 (I think). It would have solved a LOT of problems…
Questions About Money to Ask While Dating
Before moving in together: It’s time to find out your partner’s salary, debt level and credit score. Start a plan for your home by asking, “How can we share expenses in a way that feels fair?”
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I have a difficult time feeling sorry for the mother. There are lots of people who make terrible financial decisions. Sending a child to college that costs $80,000 a year on a pre tax salary of $200,000 seems to be one of those. Of course it’s possible they have significant other assets, a fully funded retirement, no mortgage, own their cars out right, etc. I’m not getting that impression.
I don’t understand the “not contributing at all” but it sounds like he refused to make a bad financial decision and she did it anyway. And honestly, if her entire salary is going to pay tuition (which it sounds like) vs towards savings, retirement, mortgage, car payment or other household expenses and he is shouldering that entirely, he is contributing. His payment of all those expenses is allowing her to use her 60k salary to pay for college.
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Exactly. He might feel he is helping if her entire salary is going into tuition and he is juggling everything else financially. There is zero reason to assume he has a giant stash of mad money he is hoarding to make her life difficult. She is likely still living an middle-upper middle class lifestyle.
Unless they have a fully funded retirement account, no other debt, 6-12 months emergency fund, and some money sitting in 529s it likely wasn’t a wise financial decision. Our financial advisor recommended we shoot for less than half our EFC on the fafsa based on our whole profile, number of kids, age to retirement, COL, etc. Just because a private school’s calculator spits out a number doesn’t actually mean it’s realistic for your situation.
This isn’t talked about enough but I am seeing some real world ramifications with friends in having parents who haven’t adequately prepared for retirement and it isn’t pretty. It’s a huge gift to your kids to have that covered.
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