I haven’t posted in a while, but not much has changed. I feel isolated and separated from the student body at UVA. Is it more common to feel out of place at UVA, or would I feel the same at other colleges?
I haven’t made any friends, and therefore I feel depressed and upset a lot of the time. Is it my fault, because I’m too quiet or weird, or is it because I just don’t fit with the student body and am not worthy of befriending? Is it because I don’t try hard enough, or because that’s how it will be for the rest of my time here?
I don’t want to spend the rest of my college years like this, so I’m considering transferring, even to a school that’s less ‘prestigious’, just so I wouldn’t be emotionally tortured just for a UVA degree. Of course, I thought of it so late that I’d probably have to transfer in Spring 2016, rather than next fall, unfortunately, as I’d lose more time as a student at my new school.
My academic experience has gotten better, as I’m happier with my classes. My grades aren’t bad. However, everyone here is quite competitive so I feel unnerved about picking a major I like, just because everyone in it would possibly be so different from me. I would definitely probably be more academically happy at a different school. I don’t even think the academics are particularly good here, just because class sizes are so large and the professors aren’t there for you.
Is it like this for many people, still, this late in the year? Or should I have applied to transfer a while ago? I just don’t fit in to the UVA mold, I suppose, or maybe I came in with a bad outlook.
What are you doing aside from going to classes? You need to find some outside activities, clubs, a church, some place to meet people and do things for fun. I’m quite sure that UVA has a ton of clubs on campus. Check them out and see if something interests you.
Sorry to hear that you are unhappy with UVA. I will agree that it is a competitive environment (S is a first year there). I would advise you to #1 Speak to your parents and #2 seek out help with Student Services…possibly some counceling services? Also, have you tried to join any clubs/groups?
How long have you been at UVA? If you are a Spring admit and this is your first semester I would recommend sticking it out. However… if you have been there for a lot longer and I would consider digging into your pockets and trying to see if you can find a scrap of paper and a pencil so that you can jot down the pros and cons of where you are now.
You chose UVA for a reason, correct? right now you are sad or possibly depressed as well so it may help to think back and recollect why you wanted to come here.
juxtapose the reasons enumerated next to the reasons you want to transfer and try to see if there are ways you can fix the reasons why you want to transfer. UVA is a somewhat highstress and overcompetitive environment and they do have that preppy mentality which can be grating if you have not yet found your place within the community. beneath the surface though they are very nice and likable people and as a big school there are plenty of niches where you can fit in even if you don’t get along with 100% of the student body!
If you are unhappy, why don’t you take a leave of absence at the end of this semester. Then get a job and work while you come up with a transfer application list. Who knows, while you are away from UVA, you might decide that that is where you want to be.
I think it is generally best not to withdraw from school unless you really have to. It can be hard to return if you take a leave of absence (emotionally, not because the college will try to keep you away). Life can get away from you pretty fast. If you need to take a break for mental health reasons do it, but other than that I would really really think hard about whether or not UVA or another school is worth it for you.
I am with Happymom. If this student is unsure about returning to UVA next year…take a leave of absence…and work. Figure out the next step. It’s on the late side for transfer applications for fall. Plus, I would suggest this student NOT rush the transfer process. As noted by Happymom…a change of location might put this all in a better perspective.
In the meantime, I would urge this student to go to the counseling center…talk to someone there. At the same time, start looking for some campus clubs or other activities of interest.
I wonder whether it really is too late for a transfer within the Virginia state college system. It can’t hurt to go to the academic advising office and ask.
The Virginia system offers a wide variety of colleges, some of which are a lot smaller than UVA and perhaps more personal and less competitive. I wonder whether you might be better off at William and Mary or Mary Washington, for example.
As for taking a leave of absence, it’s a possibility, but there can be issues with taking a leave for one semester if your program of study involves two-semester sequences, where the first half is taught only in the fall and the second half is taught only in the spring. It’s something to keep in mind.
And, no, it’s NOT " because I’m too quiet or weird, or is it because I just don’t fit with the student body and am not worthy of befriending?" It’s simply because you haven’t found your niche.
Personally, I think you should look at some smaller, less competitive schools. Find a place where you can thrive.
My good friend’s daughter was very unhappy at her school last fall (first semester). She said it was too small, more girls than boys (girls were mean and competitive), the school didn’t have the major(s) she was interested in. She visited few large state Us where her friends were at, and thought they would be better fit for her. Fast forward to second semester, she loves her school now. Why? She got a new roommate, through her RM she became friends with other students at her school, and now she has a fun social life.
This is not the first time I have seen it happen. Students are generally happier when their social life is good. How to achieve that is more than just changing school (environment). I think changing school maybe a solution when one goes to a small LAC, but if you are at a large U, it is easier to find your own tribe. I would try to figure out if it is the school (or living arrangement) that’s making it hard for you to make friends or if it has more to do with you. As an example, if you don’t like to leave your dorm room or join a club, by going to a different school is not going to change your situation.
OP - I am sorry for your situation. Life is too short to be so unhappy. I hope you do all you can to change your situation.
If it’s too late to join clubs this semester, consider looking for a casual part-time job on campus or in the area near the campus that serves students. It can be another way to meet people.
That’s just a thought. @oldfort has some good ideas. Even if it’s too late to do anything about them this semester, you could make an effort to join several organizations or activities next semester, regardless of whether you’re still at UVA or somewhere else.
Also, if you stay at UVA, what’s your living arrangement for next semester? Is it one that will give you a chance to meet people. Corridor dorms are a good place to live if you’re trying to meet people. Suites and off-campus apartments work better for people who already have a circle of friends (some of whom they’re probably living with).
OP, I am with bjkom on this. I happen to know a really nice kid who used to think he was weird and quiet and had a lot of trouble making friends.
In elementary school he felt like an alien or ghost. In middle school, he met a kid who was like him, shared his interests and so forth. That one kid introduced him to some others who were like them. It was like a portal opening to a new world, with kids who were sympatico with him. He realized then that what he had been told was true: it is not that there is something wrong with him - he just needed to be able to meet people who we could relate to.
This kid goes to an enormous high school, and in general, he still feels like a bit of an oddball but there are other kindred souls (though that doesn’t mean he hangs out with them). But somehow this is okay now.
Because of this experience, the vibe of a college is tremendously important to him. Maybe it is less important to some, but it sounds like it is to you too. You may not really know what a place will be like until you get there. At UVA, sure, you may eventually get to a better place. I do think that talking to a counselor is a good idea, to explore whether you might be able to find a way to be happier at UVA. At the same time, do some research and think about the options and more particularly, where will you find a student body that includes some people who share interests and experiences with you? I didn’t read your other posts so if you area already doing that, pardon me.
It doesn’t have to be all people who are just like you, but you need to be able to meet friends or it will be an unhappy four years. Life is too short for that.
It sounds to me more like you’re uncomfortable with being by yourself. This is pretty common amongst young people. Like others have suggested, you’ll find refuge in non-academic clubs or hobbies conducive to making friends.
I think you should go see a psychiatrist and find out if you are unhappy because you are depressed, or depressed because you are unhappy. If the former, then medication may help.
OP: There are definitely other UVA students feeling the same way and other “weird” kids there. You just have to find them. What do you like to do beyond study? One of my kids found his people in the gaming community (actual games not video games). A small, but close group. Another in both a radio station and a politcal group, and in the local music scene. It wasn’t easy, but they found like-minded folks. The second one was at a big State U, so similar situation. What sorts of clubs have you tried and did you go just once or try to stick it out? Did you try some more obscure ones that might attract off the beaten track kids?
The other question is whether this is due to the circumstances of UVA or due to something going on inside you. Please, talk to your parents and to the UVA counseling center. You may need some help figuring out if it is the school or something going on with you - social anxiety is possible. Good luck. Things will get better.